Anxiety in children

[redshoes]

My DH and I have discovered in the last few months that my 6 year old DS has anxiety. It is not the normal childhood nervousness that is to be expected. He struggles with being worried all day long and that in turn makes him a mess to be around. He is doing some cognitive-behavioral techniques that seem to be helping. His doctor reminds me that it's one step forward and few steps back for a while. Here is my issue, because I know some of his triggers I find myself clearing the path for him all day long to prevent him from struggling. My rational thoughts are that I can't make everything sunshine and roses for him, but I would really like to. Does that make sense? Because I'm doing a lot of the work at home with him, he is becoming more dependent on me. I feel like that isn't healthy either. How do I help him but not enable him? Have any of you that have experienced this with your kids found a balance? Any of you that have anxiety, is there something that you wish people around you knew that would make things easier for you?

 

[NHdisneylover]

My DD13 is extremely anxious (getting better -there is hope) and it IS quite a balancing act.
Sometimes you just have to let them melt down and learn to cope and shrug it off as no big deal so they see that it ISN'T a big deal to others (even they perceive everything to be a big deal).
Especially at that age I tried to let DD learn/cope with more on her own early in the day (when she seemed to handle things better) and pave the way a little more often in the evenings or when she was hungry (when she has just about used up any stores of coping). I also tried to spread it out (every other issue I would deal with, or every third) I would actually sit down at night and think about things likely to trigger fear/clingyness or meltdowns the next day and decide which ones to let her cope with and what things I could avoid. I tried to only work on one tigger type situation at a time and once she had a good handle on that and had a relatively stress free couple of weeks move onto a new one. She is very independent and handles most things really well. She can tell me when she is "really nervous" and "workign myself up nervous" and then get it under control with deep breaths and counting 90% of the time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh yea....I have a 13yodd with anxiety who is doing very well right now.

She started with a counselor last summer and went through the school year. Right now she is "done". She still has things to work on however she is very functional.

I need an example of what you mean by "clearing his triggers". 6yo is very different from 13.

It is good you are getting help now. Think of it as a process that builds on itself.

When my dd was 6, we used a lot of visualization techniques for her to try and ward off the anxiety attacks. Then in elementary school she did OK, however we moved and she went to a new middle school and that was all she could handle.

I found someone who did well with anxiety and she was terrific. At 13 my dd could discuss and map out coping strategies on her own.

She has more work to do but for now we are going to use what we have in place so far until she needs more help.

 

[lewdyan1]

Hugs!!! My 13DD has been dealing with this too. We had to go the medication route, just so she could function in school. With time I have seen a huge change and she seems to be getting better as she gets older...

 

[pandora174]

You ae doing great ! I'm 41 & realize now after many years of treatment/therapy & finally medication that my anxiety was evident at 6 ! Of course my poor mother knew nothing & I "hid" my behaviors b/c I was embarrased since I knew on some level that this worrying & stress was "not" normal in society.

So my advice to you is make sure that your DD can feel comfortable to tell you "everything/anything". Even if it's insignificant it can be a huge deal to her. I realize that most of my stress was from school, I was a straight A student & was terrified of getting in trouble.

I remember one time I told the teacher I forgot a report but later I found it. Well I freaked out that the teacher thought I lied to get out of the assignment that I threw up ! & I did have the book & had done the assignment, this was in 3rd grade None of this stress my mom put on me, I just couldn't help it

It's great to know her stress triggers & let her have her escapes. I would recommend that you practice with her whatever stress reducing techniques she uses if anxiety kicks in & you're not around. I've learned that some people just "stress me out", even family or friends & that for my own health I have cut my interaction or cut conversations short if needed. Also, I always keep a journal & that helps with my stress. So just talk to her & be there for her & with a great therapist & lots of love she'll progress !

Hang in there for her, I've walked in her shoes & people can't understand anxiety/stress & how really hard it can be to overcome & handle but it can be managed !

 

[Mandychelle79]

My dd has some social anxiety issues. Well kinda. She doesnt know how to go up and ask to play with someone, but if asked she will join in. I have her join a few things during the year, that forces her to be with people. She takes dance and girl scouts during the year, and a sport in the summer. Her school pulled her out of class once a week to "play" with kids that were older than her, since she does ok with younger kids. While she is still apprehensive, especially if there are men/boys, she is more willing to start ask to play if weve been there a few times or a few hours.

I know what you mean about clearing obstacles, I have done that for her in the past. Now I catch myself and make her do it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hugs!!! My 13DD has been dealing with this too. We had to go the medication route, just so she could function in school. With time I have seen a huge change and she seems to be getting better as she gets older...

We also used meds first thing. She had sunk into depression over her anxiety issues.

The counselor is what made her have superior progress. She needed to learn coping skills for her.

Example....She found out that she cannot do things last minute and will get overwhelmed.

She has a planner to write her homework down and a calendar for the due dates. She maps what she is going to do each day as far as homework in her planner.

It was a "lightbulb moment" for her when she had it all laid out. She looked at it all and said, "no wonder I was freaking out, I can't remember all this".

So now she is proactive with writing things on her calendar and making checklists. HUGE leap for her.

It has relieved the anxiety because now she can go to her calendar, know a due date or appointment in a second instead of worrying about it.

That is just one thing. But it was probably the biggest thing with regards to school.

 

[Forevryoung]

I've had anxiety issues growing up and continue today to a much lesser extent (I'm 25).

What helped me the most were the people that stood by while I helped myself navigate the anxiety- mainly friends (and a very smart ex boyfriend). My parents tried to help me avoid it. This made the times where the anxiety got really bad (panic attacks, tantrums) even worse.

I've gotten to the point where I feel the anxiety building, I can usually take that baby step back to either analyze the situation and 1) escape from the situation or 2) rationalize and create a strategy to decrease the anxiety AND obtain the original outcome

For example my biggest trigger is huge crowds without a visible way "out" (especially on vacations due to changes in routine, sleep, eating...). Has made for many panic attacks at my favorite vacation spot- Disney!

However, I am able to feel my anxiety is rising and make the choice 1) decide not to wait in line for an attraction or leave early to avoid the parade/fireworks crowds or 2) remind myself how much I want to do X, that I am safe, that I can leave at any time, and provide a distraction (reading the park map I've memorized, talking to the people I'm with on the trip, finding a friendly family to talk to...)

I've learned to set myself up for success (including not being too tired, eating regularly...), the anxiety is MUCH more manageable and I've reduced my panic attacks considerably

Maybe you can set up a similar scenario with your son that you can talk him through and actually give him the choice and ultimately the tools to internalize that sometimes the anxiety is awful but he can reduce the anxiety to a manageable level and still do, see, and experience what he wants to.