Another Wedding Question

[Princessmom2]

I too learned about "covering your plate" when I asked a similar question here on Dis. http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2097195

While I understand we are going to an area where this is the norm, we will not be able to do it and still be a part of the wedding. We are traveling 8-9 hours for the wedding, staying 3 nights in a hotel, not to mention all the other expenses.

Having said that, we will be giving a gift at both the wedding and the shower, that is what we are used to doing, but cannot give $300 to cover the cost of our plates so we have descided to give a gift of the registry for the shower and a smaller dollar amount at the wedding.

I am still surprised by all this, but it does seem to vary quite a bit.

I have never heard of this either--isn't it amazing how varied customs are in different areas of the country? Where I grew up (North Alabama), you gave a shower gift (if you were invited to a shower), and then a wedding gift from the registry or just something you wanted to give them. And many people bring gifts to the wedding, not out of the norm. But we did not expect anyone to "pay" for their portion of the reception--if we invite you, we pay for it as you are our guest. And I still have a problem with sending cash as a gift, or even a gift card--I want to send a real present!

 

[tiggertabi]

I would be shocked if someone gave me that much money - we had one relative give us that amount of money (our uncle wanted to pay for our honeymoon to DISNEY)....but honestly who even remembers who gave you what for you wedding? it's the THOUGHT for the couple that counts. I think you should give something thoughtful and meaningful that you think they will appreciate, be it money or something for their new life, and not worry about what it costs. Besides, how does getting 500 dollars worth of kitchen things cover paying for the meal?? it's apples and oranges to me. They chose to have a wedding that is that expensive, they could have catered subway LOL

 

[LKHomemail]

i've lived in different parts of the country and it is different. i think that weddings that have formal dinners / dancing / drinks cost more and the giving guideline is to cover your plate and a gift. very rarely are children there (just too expensive and not appropriate unless invited / family). in other parts of the country weddings are sometimes very simple and elegant, perhaps coffee/cakes or appetizer / wedding cake. you never see too many gifts at the formal wedding dinners, instead you see a money box or the bride has a purse. in simpler weddings in other regions, cash is not the norm, you see gift tables and every one is expected to bring a wrapped present of some sort. having always grown up and given "then envelope" with the cash, it was strange , to leave the envelope on the gift table, because it was the only one not associated with a package. it also sort of appears to other guests that perhaps you have not given a gift, instead or giving a card. i actually had another guest, sort of insinuate this to me. was very strange guest and i still don't know the relationship that person had to the bride / groom, nor do i really care

there is also a difference in the expectations of the wedding party. in the simpler weddings, the brides family offered to pay for the dresses of the attendents. in the other weddings the dress would be funded by the person standing as an attendent.

i think cash / gift cards / presents are all great. personally, i really would not feel comfortable in accepting an invitation that i don't feel like i can afford. i think it's better to decline and send a personal note to congratulate them decline acceptance of invite and send one gift per occasion. 25 -50 max.

 

[Resseda]

Just to note: I don't hear people saying "the bride and groom expect the guests to give them enough cash to cover their meal". It's the area custom. If you are invited to a reception at a country club versus a backyard barbeque, the area cutsom is that you would offer different amounts of cash as a gift. Not everyone does-I think a lot of people have a pretty basic formula-$100 for a friend, $200 for family member or whatever-but most couples are not going to math their guest list up to what was in each card. Some will, but they will do the same thing for grad and birthday parties too. Please don't blame the couple getting married for the social custom in the area.

Ress

 

[brenalexacamp]

maybe it is an east coast italian thing but when I got married-my parents opened all my wedding cards while I was on my honeymoon-my dad did not want to have the checks or money in the house.
They wrote the dollar amount on the inside of the card.
My mom always asked me what did so and so give you-so she would put a comparable amt in so and so's card.
We always look at if it is open bar too-that is expensive-give the money to the kids
when I got married, my mom threw me a lavish shower-she didn't want any money from the bridesmaids-they were all young, working, getting married themselves-she didn't want to burden them-she wanted the shower-she did it.
It depends who it is too-close family gets money-work aquaintance gets a nice crystal gift.
Savings bonds are nice too

 

[stczt]

I have never heard of covering you plate, If a couple can't afford to pay for the wedding they should downsize on the wedding. I think it's tacky to expect people to pay their way at the wedding. You invite people to share in a happy occasion. I know when I got married we were just grateful for whatever gifts we received. Sounds to me like people are forgetting what a wedding is all about, celebrating the love of 2 people which you can do at the plaza, or in a barn.

 

[Mrs. Bradbury]

I've also never heard that phrase before, but then again, I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where the cost per person was over $65pp.

I am; however, invited to a wedding this summer where the cost per person is well, well over $150pp

How do any of the guests know how much the couple intends to spend per guest at the reception? I mean, I don't understand how this can be worked into a conversation. I can see the bride babbling happily about how they're going to have this and that and so on at the reception, but then does she add, "And it's going to cost $150 pp!"? I'm not being sarcastic, I really would like to know.

I guess you could make an assumption based on where it's held, but what if you get to a ritzy reception hall and all they're serving is cake and punch? How do you know ahead of time?

Around here, a reception is extravagant, understated, or anywhere in between based on the couple's or bride's parents' ability to pay. Well, I guess loaded parents could still choose to have an understated reception, or cash-strapped couples could max out their credit cards, but you get my drift. Guests thinking they should pay for themselves is completely foreign to me.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm in NYC, so yes always hear the saying "cvr your plate" i use to always do that when i was single or just married, but now 2 kids later its harder to do!

I'd say for the 5 of you $300.00 would be a Great gift!

I have a wedding dilema myself, we're invited to my husbands cousins wedding - originally thought my entire family was invited but now no kids! The wedding is about an hour away so we were planning on staying the night - found out the hotel is $179.00 a night - have no one to watch the kids..so our only option is to take turns watching the kids in the room? i'm a bit upset that the kids are not invited - as we always have this cousin over for all the holidays etc.. so anyway, its 200 just for the room so i'm thinking a 150.00 gift? perhaps if they change there mind and the kids come as well $250.00!

I'm surprised you're surprised about the no kids thing, since you live in this region. I've been to only 1 wedding where my kids have been invited, in western MA. My kids weren't invited to my sister's wedding, and none of my cousins. Luckily, my IL's live an hour away, and could watch them.

 

[mjkacmom]

maybe it is an east coast italian thing but when I got married-my parents opened all my wedding cards while I was on my honeymoon-my dad did not want to have the checks or money in the house.
They wrote the dollar amount on the inside of the card.
My mom always asked me what did so and so give you-so she would put a comparable amt in so and so's card.
We always look at if it is open bar too-that is expensive-give the money to the kids
when I got married, my mom threw me a lavish shower-she didn't want any money from the bridesmaids-they were all young, working, getting married themselves-she didn't want to burden them-she wanted the shower-she did it.
It depends who it is too-close family gets money-work aquaintance gets a nice crystal gift.
Savings bonds are nice too

Same here! Money was in my account when we got home! As for expecting a large gift, we don't, however, we expect to give a large cash amount. A pp asked how you know how much to give - you just do. And there is no such thing as just cake and punch here - we don't do punch, ever. We feed our guests, well, regardless if it's a wedding, bbq, cocktail party - there is always way too much food!

 

[mjkacmom]

Seriously? The tackiest? Nah, I actually think it is much tackier to host an expensive wedding and expect your guests to shell out the cash to pay for it, which is what "cover your plate" amounts to.

In this area, couples don't expect two gifts from anybody. If you get a gift at the wedding, it's because they didn't attend a shower. Truly, very few gifts are usually brought to the actual wedding.

I'm not worked up that some people feel the need to give large cash gifts. If that's your thing, go right ahead. Throw your money around all you want, I couldn't care less.

If that's the norm in your area, fine, but it seems like 99% of posters give at both. Therefore, if you are invited to a shower AND wedding in another area, you should inquire about their traditions. To give a shower gift, and not give a wedding gift, here, would be considered in poor taste.

 

[JandJ]

I am; however, invited to a wedding this summer where the cost per person is well, well over $150pp, and seeing as the happy couple were guests at my wedding last summer and bestowed upon us the lovely gift of a $15 Target Gift Card and a candle shaped like a skull, they will not be getting anything that I spent any sort of money on, whatsoever.

You could re-gift the skull!

 

[Modog814]

I'm gonna chime in here because I'm having my wedding in LI, NY in July 2010...

The first misconception some people have is that the couple EXPECTS people to cover their plate. I don't believe many people expect this at all. I think instead, it's more a rule of thumb to help people determine how much to give.

I think its meant as more of: Person A is having the wedding in the backyard catered by a deli ($60 pp), Person B is having it at the Ritz Carleton (Let's say $150pp). You're STARTING point should be that you should be giving Person B more than Person A.

I think thats the starting point, and you can work other details in...say you can't afford $150 pp, you make an adjustment down, say the person is a really good friend (in bridal party) or family you may make an adjustment up. Say you have to travel/hire a babysitter, ect, you make another adjustment down.

If you go to Person B's wedding and give them $100 pp, are they going to think you're cheap...I know I wouldn't, but even if they did, who cares...

Basically I think it's a starting point and it ultimately comes down to what you can afford...Weddings are very expensive (especially in NY) and I understand that that's a choice the couple makes, but it's a (hopefully) once in a lifetime event.

To the OP, if your children are the age where you feel like you have to include their gift in yours, personally I'd only count them as another person (maybe person and a half) depending on thier age...most places around here give you 50% pp for children under a certain age (I believe it's under 10 but I'm not positive).

 

[Kellydelly]

A young couple on our street invited our whole family (six of us) to their wedding next week. The venue is a very nice restaurant on the lake. I am not going to give them more than what we can afford, which is around $100 (dh is out of work and I just started a new job recently)! We live in MI where people are not known to cover their plates . I personally think it is ridiculous to feel the need to cover your meal at a celebration you were invited to. Who started that nonsense? Plan a wedidng you can afford!

 

[Momto3Girls&Max]

I personally think it is ridiculous to feel the need to cover your meal at a celebration you were invited to. Who started that nonsense? Plan a wedidng you can afford!

As someone tried to point out before, it's not that the bride and groom expect you to cover your plate, it's more of a custom to consider the venue and price per plate as a guideline.

 

[HunnyPots]

OK, what a lot of you are saying is, nobody EXPECTS you to cover your plate but it is CUSTOMARY? OK, if nobody expects it, how did it get to be a custom???

I so agree with the previous poster: plan a wedding you can afford and invite those you want to share it with!

 

[Kellydelly]

As someone tried to point out before, it's not that the bride and groom expect you to cover your plate, it's more of a custom to consider the venue and price per plate as a guideline.

And that is different than giving enough to cover your meal in what way ?

 

[Lewisc]

I agree with the PP. You're not literally expected to find out the price of the venue/meal and write a check for that amount. Nor are you expected to write a check for thousands if you're invited to a wedding for a very wealthy friend/relative.

The term implies giving a larger wedding gift if the wedding is in a catering hall then you'd give if the wedding is in a backyard. The amount of a cash gift, or what you spend on an actual gift is a matter of local custom.

I wouldn't attend the wedding of a casual neighbor or co-worker unless I was prepared to give whatever gift is considered "normal" in the location of the wedding, for the kind of wedding that's planned.

Obviously a relative or close friend wants you to attend their wedding even if you can't afford a substantial gift, but those people probably understand your finances.

 

[Momto3Girls&Max]

OK, what a lot of you are saying is, nobody EXPECTS you to cover your plate but it is CUSTOMARY? OK, if nobody expects it, how did it get to be a custom???

I so agree with the previous poster: plan a wedding you can afford and invite those you want to share it with!

I'm not sure how that got to be the custom, but it's what I feel comfortable doing. I would never give only one gift if I were attending both the shower and the wedding, but you feel completely comfortable doing that. Different customs, different practices, I guess.

 

[lastminutemom]

The term implies giving a larger wedding gift if the wedding is in a catering hall then you'd give if the wedding is in a backyard. The amount of a cash gift, or what you spend on an actual gift is a matter of local custom.

This is the part of this that makes me scratch my head... so if you have two first cousins that you are equally close to, and one gets married at the Ritz and the other at home in their backyard, you give more to the one at the Ritz?

Really?

First, I think in certain Metro areas the cost of living is just higher and so things like gift ranges etc vary greatly. Second, I would never want anyone to refuse an invite because they couldn't afford a gift. When my son was Bar Mitzvahed, we had a couple of refusals and I suspected that it was because these people were transplanted NYers and thought they had to give big checks. I was so disappointed so I had a mutual friend mention what she was giving my child and within a day or two they both changed their response.

p

 

[Momto3Girls&Max]

And that is different than giving enough to cover your meal in what way ?

I don't know that it's different, but it's what is usual and accepted here and I feel completely comfortable with it. You don't. That's fine.