Another Wedding Question

[daughtersrus]

We live in the Chicago area where I've always been told that you should "cover your plate" with a cash wedding gift. We've always tried to do but it's been a long time since we've been to a wedding. Our wedding was many years ago and I know that many people did not but it didn't bother me at all. We saved our money to have the wedding and just wanted people to come and celebrate with us.

Our entire family (5 of us) were invited to a wedding this summer. The wedding is for a neighbor that is very close to our two older DD. The reception is at a pretty fancy location where you choose your own caterer. I actually tried to search the site for the location and got a 'base' price but I have no idea how much the caterer is charging per plate.

So, the big question is...should I try to figure out how much it's going to cost for all 5 of us? Honestly, I'm sure it's got to be well over $100/plate (the cost of the venue is $45/person + the cost of the caterer) and it's just not in our budget to give $500-$600.

I've spent quite a bit already on a shower gift and new clothes for my girls(of course I could have said no)

If it matters, I know for a fact that the couple is not paying for any of the wedding themselves. The majority of it is being paid by the bride's parents and the groom's parents are paying a much smaller portion.

 

[kelleigh1]

For me personally, I'm one who gives based on what we can afford. And especially in this current economy, I would think that people would understand that.

My MIL is all in a tizzy right now over "the list" of what people gave my husband and I at our wedding 5 years ago because one of the cousins is getting married next month and she is in the group that believes that you must give equal to what was received.

 

[HunnyPots]

See, this whole cover your plate thing is a totally foreign concept to me. I never even heard of it before the Dis. There is no way I would go to a wedding where I felt I had to pay a certain amount in cash to attend. If someone is invited to attend, that makes them a guest, and a guest would never be expected to pay for their food! And I don't get buying a shower gift and a wedding gift. I would give one or the other and it would be something off their registry within my budget.

 

[secretpantssam]

I'm a supporter of give what you feel comfortable giving. I understand trying to cover your plate, but if you can't really part with that kind of money right now, don't worry about it too much. I'm sure they're more concerned about you actually being there sharing their special day than what kind of a gift you're giving.

So just give what you can and have fun at the wedding!!

 

[Wigit12]

I agree. Never even heard of the concept until a co-worker told me about when she was invited to a high dollar wedding.
I would hope the couple would much rather have the friends and family attend with (or without) a gift they could fit in their budget than stay away because they couldn't cover the cost.

 

[Momto3Girls&Max]

I'm in Chicago too and know how you feel about covering your plate. Here's our rule of thumb: when it's DH and I only we give $150 (plus a shower gift), when it's us and our 4 kids we give $250 (plus a shower gift).

 

[Schachteles]

I got married almost 8 years ago at a very expensive place that was well over $200 a head and I can tell you that NOT ONE guest (outside of our parents and grandparents) gave us enough to cover that amount.

I don't think that people go in expecting that much and if they do WOW

Give what you are comfortable with because know that you aren't going to be the only person not giving that much $$.

 

[KarenAylwood]

General rule for me is that if I'm going alone to a wedding of a friend, $50 gift. If I'm going with a date, $70-80 gift. If it's for a good friend, $70-80 gift, if I'm bringing a date to said good friend's wedding- $120ish.

If the person isn't a good friend I'm usually not invited to the shower, or if I am I'm invited with other friends and I'd either go in with people on a joint gift, or give $30-$40 gift, plus a wedding gift.

If I'm IN the wedding- shower gift (~$50-60), wedding gift ~$100 plus whatever I have to pay for the dress, bachelorette, etc.

(note that I'm unmarried and mid-twenties)

Also, I'm guessing 5 people means 2 adults and 3 kids under 21. I figure it's got to be a lot cheaper for kids at a wedding due to no alcohol.

If it were me, buying something from the family, I wouldn't spend under $100, but wouldn't spend over $250. If it was my wedding I wouldn't care what someone gave, but as a guest I guess I'd feel guilty if I didn't get a gift.

If it's a stretch for the budget, I'm sure that the couple would understand!

(Btw I know the "cover your plate" rule. I'm not a fan )

 

[Mrs. Bradbury]

Add me to the shocked and horrifed list. I agree with the PPs. If this is what the couple getting married expects, why not forget the "guest" list and just charge admission?

I would never base how much I spend on a wedding gift on how much the couple wants to spend on the reception.

 

[EthansMom]

Give an amount that you can afford.

 

[Lewisc]

JMO but family and close friends should give whatever you can afford. Buying some items from the registry may be better then a cash gift that's lower then is typical for your area. Consider getting something from the registry, but from a discounter instead from the place they registered.


JMO but I'd consider declining an invitation from someone who isn't a close friend if I'm not able to give a gift that's "normal" for the type of wedding, in my area. A child of a co-worker you're not really close to. You're not even sure why you got invited.

 

[derocas]

In your situation, considering your entire family is invited to the wedding I

think an appropriate gift would be $300. That's what I would give.

 

[Kae]

Even on the Emily Post says that "covering the plate" is not the rule. Because there is no rule.

How much should I spend?
There is no rule, so it is entirely up to you. Let your affection for the bride and groom and your budget be your guide


Kae

 

[pearlieq]

Maybe I'm far enough out in the suburbs for things to be different, but I've never felt like "cover your plate" was a big thing here in Chicago.

I'd never heard of it until I came to the DIS, and then it was in the context of being an East Coast thing.

I was brought up to bring a registry gift to the shower and a check to the wedding and there was a "going rate" that one would give, assuming they had enough discretionary income.

Back when I was married, the "going rate" was between $50-$75 for a couple. Now it's more like $100-$150/couple. Kids were included, unless you had a very large family (which seems fair to me--it's not paying by the head, but more paying back all the shower gifts, baby gifts, birthday gifts, etc.) in which case you gave more.

 

[okeydokey]

I can't image that a neighbor would expect a $500 gift from your family. I personally would be horrified if anyone ever gave that much at my wedding.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

And I don't get buying a shower gift and a wedding gift. I would give one or the other and it would be something off their registry within my budget.

Oh my god - that is simply the tackiest thing I have ever heard. If you are invited to two occasions - it is two gifts.

One is to shower the bride - the other to celebrate the new couple.

With regards to covering your plate - HOSTs do NOT demand it! As a guest, I WANT to give a gift large enough to pay for my dinner and some extra for the couple.

Why some people get so worked up that some of us give large cash wedding gifts - I will never understand.

 

[lisaross]

I'm in NYC, so yes always hear the saying "cvr your plate" i use to always do that when i was single or just married, but now 2 kids later its harder to do!

I'd say for the 5 of you $300.00 would be a Great gift!

I have a wedding dilema myself, we're invited to my husbands cousins wedding - originally thought my entire family was invited but now no kids! The wedding is about an hour away so we were planning on staying the night - found out the hotel is $179.00 a night - have no one to watch the kids..so our only option is to take turns watching the kids in the room? i'm a bit upset that the kids are not invited - as we always have this cousin over for all the holidays etc.. so anyway, its 200 just for the room so i'm thinking a 150.00 gift? perhaps if they change there mind and the kids come as well $250.00!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I too learned about "covering your plate" when I asked a similar question here on Dis. http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2097195

While I understand we are going to an area where this is the norm, we will not be able to do it and still be a part of the wedding. We are traveling 8-9 hours for the wedding, staying 3 nights in a hotel, not to mention all the other expenses.

Having said that, we will be giving a gift at both the wedding and the shower, that is what we are used to doing, but cannot give $300 to cover the cost of our plates so we have descided to give a gift of the registry for the shower and a smaller dollar amount at the wedding.

I am still surprised by all this, but it does seem to vary quite a bit.

 

[omghidanielle]

I've also never heard that phrase before, but then again, I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where the cost per person was over $65pp.

I am; however, invited to a wedding this summer where the cost per person is well, well over $150pp, and seeing as the happy couple were guests at my wedding last summer and bestowed upon us the lovely gift of a $15 Target Gift Card and a candle shaped like a skull, they will not be getting anything that I spent any sort of money on, whatsoever.

So, my theory is, give what you can afford, if the person is someone you care about. If not, then just give what you think is fair.

 

[HunnyPots]

Oh my god - that is simply the tackiest thing I have ever heard. If you are invited to two occasions - it is two gifts.

One is to shower the bride - the other to celebrate the new couple.

With regards to covering your plate - HOSTs do NOT demand it! As a guest, I WANT to give a gift large enough to pay for my dinner and some extra for the couple.

Why some people get so worked up that some of us give large cash wedding gifts - I will never understand.

Seriously? The tackiest? Nah, I actually think it is much tackier to host an expensive wedding and expect your guests to shell out the cash to pay for it, which is what "cover your plate" amounts to.

In this area, couples don't expect two gifts from anybody. If you get a gift at the wedding, it's because they didn't attend a shower. Truly, very few gifts are usually brought to the actual wedding.

I'm not worked up that some people feel the need to give large cash gifts. If that's your thing, go right ahead. Throw your money around all you want, I couldn't care less.