Another in-law vent....

[Mrs.Reese]

My MIL and FIL are both in their 60's now which is by no means old but it also means that things don't work as well as they used to. FIL has arthritis all up and down his right arm but won't go to therapy. MIL has high blood pressure, takes medicine but it makes her feel terrible. Why don't they do anything about it because of the almighty dollar. Now I would feel sorry for them if they were broke but they're not. They have the money to take care of it but won't.

MIL was told by her doctor that she is having her increased medical problems because of her weight. She is now having symptoms of diabetes. She used to work out at the local Y and was losing weight thereby increasing her health but stopped. Again because of money.

Last night, we were visiting them and FIL was complaining about his back. How did he hurt his back? He decided to install a new fence in his yard by himself. Because that's what every 64 year old man should do in Florida in July is install a heavy and awkward wooden fence. Now DH is all worried about his parents. FIL wants to next install a shed in the backyard despite his back hurting. It sounds like a hernia but he won't get it checked.

I am really getting tired of them putting money above their well-being. It makes DH worry and then he wants to not finish things we're working on at to help them around their house. I'm not really sure if I should be angry, sad or just plain frustrated at times.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Does it seem that money is the issue? Or are they penny-pinchers?

Can you ask to help out with the shed so that your DH doesn't feel like your FIL will risk his health?

 

[PatsMom]

How involved are you in their finances that you are sure they have enough money? Many retired people are very concerned about making their money last. The market downturn that younger people can ride out is having a devastating effect on many retiree portfolios.

Maybe they thought they would have a comfortable retirement and are now scared of running out of money. Or were overly invested in equities and are now trying to pinch pennies to avoid having to liquidate at a very low point in the market.

I take care of my mother's retirement fund and I have to reassure her fairly often that she is still ok - she had several years worth of income in very safe, liquid investments.

 

[Mrs.Reese]

Part of it is that they are penny pinchers. In some ways its really said because they saved their whole lives for this great retirement. They originally wanted to RV across the country till they found out what it costs. Its a recurring pattern. An idea to travel somewhere or do something exciting that never pans out because of money. They'll die having done none of their dreams or when it's finally the right price they won't be physically able to do it. In the last five years, their health has declined dramatically. The shed really needs to be installed professionally. It requires pouring concrete and is rather large. My hubby lacks the "handyman" gene. Hubby suggested we pay for installation but I told him no. We're barely getting by as it is since I've been out of work for a year now.

I'm sure we'll get a call in a few days telling us that FIL fell or something.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My parents are broke and still complain and are in their 70's.

If your DH wants to help them out then he can help them out or hire someone to finish the job. Force them to pay for it.

If he doesn't finish projects at home hire someone to finish them. In other words solve the problems that you can solve. I would rather pay someone than fight with my DH.

The IL's issues are just going to go on forever & get worse. Sorry to break that to you.

Thankfully both of our parents are out of a house. We got dh's mom to move for that very reason. We could not keep up her house and live our lives too. It was too much work.

ETA... I see you have money issues. Your DH just has to tell them no and be stronger.

 

[Mrs.Reese]

I only know how much money they have because I do their quarterly taxes. It hurts DH that they do this but he is starting to learn to be strong. Last night was especially hard because he loves his parents and wants to be a good son. He feels like not helping them makes him a bad son.

I know it's only going to get worse. Thanks for listening. It feels good to get it off my chest.

 

[Disney Doll]

You need to realize that they are adults and if they are competent, how they choose to spend or not spend their money is up to them. That doesn't mean that you or your DH need to support them in their penny-pinching endeavors, but you're not goingto change it either.

And I know they are DH's parents and I know he loves them and so forth, but he needs to resign himself to the fact that at a certain point he cannot "fix" or "save" Mommy & Daddy. So you all need to prepare yourself for the "phone call" that will come someday that "Dad fell and hurt his back" or "Mom had a stroke" and deal with things as they come.

 

[C.Ann]

There could be any number of reasons that they are "penny pinchers" - the biggest one likely being concerns over whether or not their money will last as long as they do.. Even if only one were to die, that normally means a half reduction in income (pension; SS; etc.)..

Having said that, regardless of their reasoning you and your DH need to stay out of it.. You can't afford to help them yourselves - nor do you have the right to tell them how, when, and why they should spend what money they have.. It's a tough position to be in, but the best the two of you can do is to back off and allow them to live their lives however they see fit (spend or not spend) - even if it's not necessarily what you and/or your DH would choose for them..