Another friend with facebook/marriage issues

[LiLIrishChick63]

Sorry, I just don't believe in that sort of thing. It is one thing to have maintained a relationship throughout your life - it is another to reach out years later - especially through a medium like the internet, where your spouse would/could be completely unaware.

If you think that you would never cheat, you would be just like so many millions of others who thought the same thing - until they did.

yeah well it's nice that i also have about 10 people in my husband's family on my facebook, as well as MY family, and i turn off the chat function, and my husband also knows my password(it's the same for ALMOST everything, with a few exceptions for bank accounts and such) but yeah...my husband is "totally unaware" ........ok.......

 

[Gin7274]

I think I read somewhere that Facebook was now either the number 1 or getting close to becoming the number 1 cause of divorces because of people finding former girlfriends/boyfriends.

 

[livie1205]

Like most things online, Facebook is what you make of it. It can make it easier for those looking to cheat, but not everyone is looking to do that.

I'm Facebook friends with my highschool ex, and another guy I was friends in high school with. The ex was a groomsman in our wedding, and actually came and visited us from out of town just before Christmas. Even if ex wanted to get together again (and he doesn't!) I have zero interest. As for the old friend, we lost touch after his family moved away, and I always wondered what happened to him. We connected when I joined FB last fall, spent about a day messaging back and forth to catch up, and I don't think we've chated since. Again, zero temptation. But then...I"m not LOOKING for anything other than to stay connected with my friends, both old friends who live out of town, and people I see on a weekly basis.

DH knows I have a FB account, he knows my password (same password I use for dang near everything! ). My profile picture is a portrait of DH and I, and our wedding photos are in my album. If anyone thinks I'm "looking for something" they're idiots!

 

[FireDancer]

I think I read somewhere that Facebook was now either the number 1 or getting close to becoming the number 1 cause of divorces because of people finding former girlfriends/boyfriends.

I think people are using Facebook as an excuse. All it is is a medium. If I am married, find an ex on Facebook, cheat on my spouse with them, and get divorced because of it the reason is because I took the actions I did. Facebook is merely the medium. It may have facilitated the encounter we were the willing participants.

Often time when someone cheats they look for an excuse. Facebook is just the most used excuse, not the cause.

If I use the computer to hack into your account and steal your money it isn't my computer's fault or the browser I used to do its fault, they were just the medium I chose to do it with.

 

[krcit]

I think people are using Facebook as an excuse. All it is is a medium. If I am married, find an ex on Facebook, cheat on my spouse with them, and get divorced because of it the reason is because I took the actions I did. Facebook is merely the medium. It may have facilitated the encounter we were the willing participants.

Often time when someone cheats they look for an excuse. Facebook is just the most used excuse, not the cause.

If I use the computer to hack into your account and steal your money it isn't my computer's fault or the browser I used to do its fault, they were just the medium I chose to do it with.

Right, exactly but I think what I'm saying is that people who wouldn't go looking for an affair are now finding themselves with temptations that they didn't expect. You know what I mean? Like a guy who is never out socially without his wife or if he is would never dream of pursuing another woman is all of a sudden back in touch with his prom date who broke his heart. I'm not excusing it, I'm just saying that FB opens up possibilities to people who normally wouldn't have them or seek them.

 

[FireDancer]

Right, exactly but I think what I'm saying is that people who wouldn't go looking for an affair are now finding themselves with temptations that they didn't expect. You know what I mean? Like a guy who is never out socially without his wife or if he is would never dream of pursuing another woman is all of a sudden back in touch with his prom date who broke his heart. I'm not excusing it, I'm just saying that FB opens up possibilities to people who normally wouldn't have them or seek them.

Yeah, that is probably all true. I just don't like when it is used as an excuse. Any man or woman with any integrity will not cheat even given the opportunity.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't worry about my DH. There is only one crazy from his past that bugs me and as long as they don't get all buddy buddy, I could care less.

She is an ex and took my generosity and used it to try and encroach on my DH (then BF) and I umm....well....I set her straight.

DH would have preferred I didn't do that--but he was doing the typical thing of not realizing that someone is panting over you and you aren't making it clear that there is no future. He thought he was making things clear....

And it's like the "So How I Met Your Mother" episode that was on a couple of weeks ago with Carrie Underwood.

As for facebook causing issues--as Firedancer says, it is simply a medium.

If people are going to go astray--they will do so when it is convenient to them. Just b/c facebook may make it easy, it isn't the cause of the demise of anything, IMHO.

 

[Mermaid02]

I don't think FB has caused issues- it merely facilitated them. It makes it EASY to find that first love- that "what if"- all those types of things.

Did anyone see Modern Family last night??

 

[Scurvy]

I'm friends with many exes on Facebook and don't care if the people I date are also. I allow all of my friends on Facebook to see everything that is posted on my wall and access to all my comments. It is all in the open so no one can accuse me of hiding it. I have many female friends in real life and if anyone I date has a problem with that too bad. I don't hide any of the relationships I have with them so there is nothing suspicious going on.

If someone is determined to cheat they will do it. Facebook may make it easier but it comes down to self control. That isn't something that is unique to Facebook though. Gambling, pornography, shopping, and just about anything else that can be a problem for someone is easier to do online but ultimately we are (or should be) in control of what we do even in the face or temptation.

Shifting the blame to Facebook is no different then shifting the blame to anything else, it is just an excuse for the decision you made, not the underlying reason.

My thoughts exactly, except that I'm married rather than dating. My husband and I are both friends with exes on Facebook. We've even socialized with a couple of my exes over the last couple of years. I also have more guy friends than girl friends (in real life and on Facebook), some of whom I've met since I got married. My husband is completely aware of any contact I have with them - in fact he's friends with them on there as well. If you are someone who will cheat, you're going to end up doing it with or without Facebook. Obviously each couple needs to figure out the "ground rules" for their individual relationship, and maybe not everyone is comfortable with their spouse having a Facebook account. That's fine - you have to know what works for you. But to say Facebook is wrong for all couples is ridiculous. Just like everything else, it can be abused. The fact that one person might abuse it does not mean that everyone else would as well.

 

[krcit]

I think people are using Facebook as an excuse. All it is is a medium. If I am married, find an ex on Facebook, cheat on my spouse with them, and get divorced because of it the reason is because I took the actions I did. Facebook is merely the medium. It may have facilitated the encounter we were the willing participants.

Often time when someone cheats they look for an excuse. Facebook is just the most used excuse, not the cause.

If I use the computer to hack into your account and steal your money it isn't my computer's fault or the browser I used to do its fault, they were just the medium I chose to do it with.

Right, exactly but I think what I'm saying is that people who wouldn't go looking for an affair are now finding themselves with temptations that they didn't expect. You know what I mean? Like a guy who is never out socially without his wife or if he is would never dream of pursuing another woman is all of a sudden back in touch with his prom date who broke his heart. I'm not excusing it, I'm just saying that FB opens up possibilities to people who normally wouldn't have them or seek them.

 

[Scurvy]

Right, exactly but I think what I'm saying is that people who wouldn't go looking for an affair are now finding themselves with temptations that they didn't expect. You know what I mean? Like a guy who is never out socially without his wife or if he is would never dream of pursuing another woman is all of a sudden back in touch with his prom date who broke his heart. I'm not excusing it, I'm just saying that FB opens up possibilities to people who normally wouldn't have them or seek them.

Facebook probably does make it easier to reconnect with people from your past, though really I'd say it's the internet in general and not just Facebook that does that. Unless you are a couple that spends 24 hours a day together, though, there are likely to be plenty of times when everyone is going to be presented with opportunities to cheat without involving Facebook. Face it, most of us spend more time during the week with our coworkers than with our families. All it takes is one attractive coworker who is interested and suddenly you have the possibility of forming an inappropriate relationship. Then there are message boards, where people sometimes tend to form close friendships with people they've never met before. I've often heard of people leaving their spouses for someone they met on a message board. (In fact, that apparently even happened on the Dis!) If you're still pining over someone you used to date then Facebook probably isn't a great place for you to be hanging out. Of course alumni associations, class reunions, and your old hometown might also be bad places for you. If someone is afraid that reconnecting with an ex is going to endanger their current relationship, the best thing to do is to either avoid the places you might encounter him or to block him before anything can happen.

 

[jobhunter]

A lot of research has been done that shows A) affairs happen in happy marriages too (the 'bad marriage' part is often only 'realized' when a guilty spouse begins rewriting their marital history to justify their cheating) and B) most affairs do not begin with someone going looking for an affair partner but by 'just friends' intentions at the beginning, allowing them to weaken one boundary after another until they have crossed a line.

That is why there is so much cheating that happens with a coworker or ex or someone who is in close proximity in which you might not have your guard up, and could possibly rationalize your behavior to yourself until the point where you are emotionally invested in a relationship you did not intend to have (but have done nothing to stop, ignoring all the little red flags along the way, because you were 'just friends.') Obviously this does not happen to everyone. But it DOES happen, probably more than we know.

First your high school ex emails you, tells you she is married with kids so that is ok, she's not fishing, you tell her you're married to, you catch up, trade jokes and family stories, then a couple months later she is telling you her marriage is unhappy, you say, hey my wife really aggravated me last night, you commiserate because it's easy to show the perfect face online, talk about how idyllic things were in high school, trade secrets about how you always wondered if they were the 'one who got away,' then next thing you know you're meeting for coffee, the thrill is still there, you start to think ok, this is cheating but you are unwilling to give up the adrenalin rush this secret between you gives you, even though you know it is wrong, and besides, you haven't slept together, it's not like that. You're 'just friends.' Until you are not.

No one was looking with intent for an affair when they friended this person, or started the project with them, etc. It was curiosity, what might have been boredom, a bad day, whatever.

I think it can be a mistake to think it absolutely can't happen to you, that your spouse who has always been totally against cheating and outspoken about it (BT, DT) will never betray you. It happens all the time, it is happening to someone you know right now, and no one thinks it can happen to them until it does.

Having a happy marriage is not a complete defense against the scenario above. Having strong personal boundaries and coping skills is a better one. Cheating is more about the issues within an individual than the marriage itself.

Facebook does not cause this to happen but it definitely facilitate it.

 

[Mermaid02]

A lot of research has been done that shows A) affairs happen in happy marriages too (the 'bad marriage' part is often only 'realized' when a guilty spouse begins rewriting their marital history to justify their cheating) and B) most affairs do not begin with someone going looking for an affair partner but by 'just friends' intentions at the beginning, allowing them to weaken one boundary after another until they have crossed a line.

That is why there is so much cheating that happens with a coworker or ex or someone who is in close proximity in which you might not have your guard up, and could possibly rationalize your behavior to yourself until the point where you are emotionally invested in a relationship you did not intend to have (but have done nothing to stop, ignoring all the little red flags along the way, because you were 'just friends.') Obviously this does not happen to everyone. But it DOES happen, probably more than we know.

First your high school ex emails you, tells you she is married with kids so that is ok, she's not fishing, you tell her you're married to, you catch up, trade jokes and family stories, then a couple months later she is telling you her marriage is unhappy, you say, hey my wife really aggravated me last night, you commiserate because it's easy to show the perfect face online, talk about how idyllic things were in high school, trade secrets about how you always wondered if they were the 'one who got away,' then next thing you know you're meeting for coffee, the thrill is still there, you start to think ok, this is cheating but you are unwilling to give up the adrenalin rush this secret between you gives you, even though you know it is wrong, and besides, you haven't slept together, it's not like that. You're 'just friends.' Until you are not.

No one was looking with intent for an affair when they friended this person, or started the project with them, etc. It was curiosity, what might have been boredom, a bad day, whatever.

I think it can be a mistake to think it absolutely can't happen to you, that your spouse who has always been totally against cheating and outspoken about it (BT, DT) will never betray you. It happens all the time, it is happening to someone you know right now, and no one thinks it can happen to them until it does.

Having a happy marriage is not a complete defense against the scenario above. Having strong personal boundaries and coping skills is a better one. Cheating is more about the issues within an individual than the marriage itself.

Facebook does not cause this to happen but it definitely facilitate it.

This is probably the best, most informative, coherent, truthful post on this thread.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

DH would have preferred I didn't do that--but he was doing the typical thing of not realizing that someone is panting over you and you aren't making it clear that there is no future. He thought he was making things clear....

my DH is the same way "oh i didn't know she was flirting with me! she was just being nice!"

 

[handinpocket]

Facebook does not ruin marriages. It may open the door to old girlfriends and whatnot, but anybody capable of cheating, was already capable, and not "into" you anyway. Just my opinion.