An old friend just called a dropped a bombshell

[lisajl]

We used to live in Michigan. I always have kept in touch with her and her kids. I really loved spending time with her.
But, my DH lost his job and we moved to Ohio.

She just called to let me know she and her husband are getting divorced after 20 years.

It seems he has been beating her, spitting in her face and calling her names for quite a while.
He has also been beating their boys. The oldest is now 19, the youngest 13.

A few years ago she called me to let me know he left her and had his own place. He said marriage was suffocating. Well...later on he apologized and she took him back.
I did not understand it, but stood by her. She did not have enough money to raise the kids on her own.

Well...she still doesn't but she will be better off without him.

What on earth can I do for her? Do you think it would be appropriate to send her a gift card from a grocery store?
She did not want any pity, I just kept telling her how sorry I was that all this occurred.
He even told their boys that their mother deserved to get beat up. This is not the person I remember meeting all those years ago.

I have no idea what happened to him, but my main concern is for her and the 4 boys.

Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks everyone...
Lisa

 

[EdiePA]

any help would be appreciated. I received a $50 gift card from a grocery store the 1st Christmas after my husband left and it couldn't have been more appreciated (especially with two teenagers in the house!)

Or how about a gift card to K-mart, Target, whatever is local. With school starting soon and all those children to provide clothing and supplies for, I'm sure it would be appreciated.

My best friend a few years ago went through a similar situation. In order to let her "save face" and not to know that the help was coming through me, I gave the money to our minister and he passed it on.

You're a great friend to want to help!

Edie

 

[Disneymoon04]

What a horrible story. I am so happy she is finally seperating herself from that madness and hopefully this time she will be strong willed enough to not turn back to him for financial purposes.

I think a gift card to a grocery store is a wonderful idea.

 

[jamsmom]

I gift card when you can will be greatly appreciated. It will be tough for her emotionally and financially.


It is hard to get out of a situation like that without thinking "I stayed this long, I deserved it"...and I don;t care how long that may be. I speak from experience.

 

[Disneymoon04]

Originally posted by jamsmom
It is hard to get out of a situation like that without thinking "I stayed this long, I deserved it"...and I don;t care how long that may be.

So true... a friend of the family had a similar experience as the OP's friend and she blamed herself for many, many years. She refused any sympathy because she felt that because she let her husband hurt the kids, she deserved the abuse.

 

[lisajl]

Thanks for the responses. She felt like she could not leave because of the kids. I am just happy she is getting out of that situation.

Her kids went to Catholic school, and she is begging the church for her next to oldest to stay for his senior year.
They told her to apply for assistance, but denied it.
She is so nervous and upset she is making herself sick.
She said she has lost 42 lbs. since June when she finally decided to leave him. She said when she eats she gets so upset about everything and then it comes back up.

Geez, what a mess....
I appreciate your comments. I will see what I can do for her.
She kept asking if we ever get up her way anymore. When I told my Dh I said, I think we need to take a drive up north.

Lisa

 

[Dan Murphy]

So sorry to hear that, Lisa. What a tough situation. And too bad to hear that from the school. You are a good person.

 

[Tiiiigergirl]

How kind of you. I must agree with the others that a gift card sounds right if that is what your heart is telling you to do. I remember when I left my abusive husband kindness from anyone was deeply appreciated. I still remember that first trip to the grocery store after it was over when I tried to pick out three items. I was in there for over an hour because I kept feeling like selecting the wrong thing would get me in trouble. Mostly she needs anything that will help repair and rebuild her self-esteem. And if the gift is useful too that is just a bonus. God bless you.

 

[christineann]

Been there, too. Moral support from friends is always welcome. It took me a long time to buy myself a coke from a machine - it seemed like an unnecessary expense, one that I didn't deserve. When I finally got the ex to move out of my house, a friend gave me a few hours of maid service to help get rid of the dirt and grunge he left behind. That was fantastic and something I would never have been able to afford.

 

[house_of_princesses]

Oh my. What a courageous woman! I can't even begin to understand this.

If it were me, I think I'd be heading north, too. With donated clothes, school supplies, non-perishables from where ever I could get it. (I'd personally start with my church.) I think I feel worse over the school not helping out at a time like this. That just plain stinks! If it weren't for the young man probably wanting to finish there, I'd be yanking all out of there. I'd do it if it weren't me and I heard of this families crisis!

Peace and steadfastness to you all.

 

[browneyes]

Whatever you do, make it seem like she's doing you the favor of letting you help or she may not let you help.

I'm sorry your friend had to go through all that. Try to encourage her to get some kind of counselling to make her understand that she definately didn't deserve to be treated so horribly. Make sure she gets her boys to go too. I'm sure her husband will try to do an about face soon and try to woo her back. He needs counselling too (he needs it worse than they do!). Counselling doesn't have to be with a psychologist or a pychiatrist, she can go to her priest or preacher and ask him for guidance, or he can send her to someone that can

You're a good friend to want to help her. {{hugs}}

 

[shortbun]

I love the house cleaner idea! If she were my friend, I'd send
her an indian sage smudge stick to cleanse her home of the
evil still there.(as well as a gift certificate). I'm not kidding, a symbolic cleansing just might help her keep the creep away. Those poor boys are probably really confused too. Some church that would refuse to help with
the oldest boy's last year of school, the whole thing makes me furious. I am sending your friend thoughts of strength and
peace. She should find out where the closest shelter is just
in case he tries to come back.

 

[lisajl]

Thanks everyone...I don't think he will try to come back. He really did not want to be married or have kids. He told her he never loved her and spit in her face.

I just don't understand it.
My DH would never think of anything like that.
I hugged my DH last night and told him how much I love him.
He is a great guy. We are trying to find a weekend free to get up there and see them.
Thanks for the words of encouragement.
Will keep you posted if I hear anything else.

Lisa

 

[ohiominnie]

Lisa,
My sister is having some hard times right now. She and her husband rely on their two paychecks just to eeek by each month. Recently he has had some health problems and is unable to work (not to mention the mounting medical bills) To top it off, his daughter is having a rough time (more than just normal teen stuff---we're talking about stealing her mom's car, suicide attempts, etc) It is really stressing my sister out. I have sent her gift cards for the grocery store with a note that says I'm praying and that I know if the tables were turned she would be doing the same for me.
If I was you I'd even consider going up for a visit. Maybe find a spa in the area and treat her and yourself to a little women's day out. I'm sure getting pampered would make her feel like a million bucks!
God bless!

 

[RUDisney]

One of my friends left her abusive fiance and moved into an apartment with basically, nothing. She and I weren't close at that time, but when I heard about her courage, I went "shopping" in my linen closet and pantry. I packed up a ton of stuff for her. She was so grateful, so I'm sure that a gift certificate for groceries would be very appreciated. My DGM had passed away just before her moving out, so my parents were able to help her furnish her new place with Gram's hand-me-downs. We also gave her pots, silverware, etc., for her new kitchen. All we kept telling her was how proud we were of her to have the courage to call off her wedding and move on with her life. So many people aren't as couragious. It brought us closer together and we are very good friends now. (She is married to an absolute prince now.... so everything in life happens for a reason.)

 

[~Sparkly~Zoe]

You could also be there for her when she needs to talk.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

All good suggestions.

Theoretically I would say that the "man" should still be responsible for her son's tuition, but I understand that she might be trying to cut him out of their lives completely. I would guess that a counsellor connected with a Women's shelter would be able to give advice on the best way to proceed.

I know that issues such as food and shelter are the main concern right now, but it is awfully rough on that poor kid to have to change schools right now given all the other turmoil in his life. I feel bad for him.

I think the grocery card tucked into a note saying that you promise to always be there for her is a great idea. Frequent phone calls also to check up on her. She'll probably be hesitant to call you often.

 

[lisajl]

Thanks for that info on calling her. I thought I would wait until this weekend to call her and see what the lawyer has told her.

I guess his lawyer wanted her to sign off on something called first right. I guess it would drop the assault off his record if he plead guilty. She said no, and his lawyer ripped into her lawyer about it. Her soon to be ex might lose his job, have difficulty finding a new one, etc. But, as my GF said, she is not getting much money from him anyway, what does it matter now?

I am soooo proud of her for having the courage to do this.

I am soo thankful to have this board to come to and ask advice.
My DH is at a loss for words. I guess it is very difficult to comprehend that someone you used to hang around and talk to could do this to his wife.

Thanks everyone...

Lisa