An Engagement/Wedding question....

[aprilgail2]

Is there an actual etiquette rule regarding engagement parties?? I have only gone to one or two, they are considered very tacky here, justanother way to get a gift form the same occassion. They are already getting a shower gift and a wedding gift for the weeding, an engagement party is just another gift for the same occassion. Many times the couples end up not even getting married which is the joke of the whole thing, and if they give back the gifts why would I want a flatwear place setting- I guess I better start giving gifts I can use just in case I end up getting them back if they don't marry!

 

[annegal]

I don't understand buying a house, moving in together then waiting over a year to marry. Things are so different nowadays.

 

[mrsltg]

Wow, I had no idea that engagement presents needed to be held until after the wedding. I am certain I would not have been able to wait until then to open something as I was engaged for over two years. I would have assumed the gifts were in celebration of the engagement, and not wedding gifts in disguise.

Also, if I gave an engagement gift, I would probably expect some sort of thank you note long before the wedding.

Hmmmm, learn something new every day.

MTE!

We were living together and assumed our engagement presents were presents to celebrate our engagement. I also used my shower gifts in the 3 months between the shower and wedding.. Oops?

 

[lulu71]

See this is what was so confusing...I was hoping the couple would have opened the gifts.

#1) I think it would have been so fun to see the happy couple opening the gifts together and showing everyone what they received. While family took their pictures for an album.

#2) Believe it or not, it would have brought all the guests together. (At this party anyway). I NEVER EVER met the groom until I asked for my coat to leave (4 hours later).

#3) Opening the gifts would have SHUT THE TV off in the den where the groom spent alllll this timeee with his buddies drinking.

#4) Opening the gifts would have brought the TWO families of the bride and the groom interacting. The bride's parents ran around serving food and getting drinks for the guests all night long. The groom's family sat at a table with their relatives talking to each other the entire party.

Opening gifts would have been in poor taste because gifts at an engagement party are optional and it would have made people feel bad if they did not bring a gift. Speaking of poor taste, having an engagement party over a year before the wedding is also bad form. They should be held no sooner than 6 months before the wedding. Their purpose is to get both families acquainted, not really to celebrate the engagement when it happens since people tend to have longer engagements now. Of course, this is all old school etiquette and people seem to throw all the old rules out the window to suit their whims these days.

 

[mking624]

Opening gifts would have been in poor taste because gifts at an engagement party are optional and it would have made people feel bad if they did not bring a gift. Speaking of poor taste, having an engagement party over a year before the wedding is also bad form. They should be held no sooner than 6 months before the wedding. Their purpose is to get both families acquainted, not really to celebrate the engagement when it happens since people tend to have longer engagements now. Of course, this is all old school etiquette and people seem to throw all the old rules out the window to suit their whims these days.

I find the term "suit their whims" a little unnecessary, you make it sound like it's all of a sudden become about greed. I got engaged 10 months before I was married. My parents and a couple of friends got together and threw us a surprise engagement party a month after we were engaged (making that 9 months). So I guess I brokethe rule of "no sooner than 6 months". I apparently also broke the poor taste rule of opening our presents, in which some of them were specifically intended to be used during our engagement. As far as people feeling bad about not bringing gifts, well the same could be said about any celebration...birthday, showers, etc...but do we then shy away from opening gifts there in order to not make someone else feel bad? Well the answer depends on the individual.

This is why I say that proper etiquette is all relative. What you consider to be poor taste is your opinion on the matter. Just because you don't care for it or prefer something to done a specific way doesn't make it bad form or poor taste to do it something different....or vice versa. When it comes to etiquette, there really is no be all end all rule. It all depends on the time, the culture, and more specifically, the people.

 

[lulu71]

As far as people feeling bad about not bringing gifts, well the same could be said about any celebration...birthday, showers, etc...but do we then shy away from opening gifts there in order to not make someone else feel bad? Well the answer depends on the individual.

The difference is that showers and birthday parties are traditional gift giving events, where it is the expectation that all guests bring gifts. Engagement parties are gift-optional.

As far as the etiquette thing, I was talking about traditional rules of etiquette, which are well-documented by the likes of Emily Post, Miss Manners, Leticia Baldridge, etc not regional, family or cultural customs and traditions. That is why I mentioned the "old-school" rules. I didn't mean to offend, sorry if you took it personally.

 

[JikoMarie]

I don't understand buying a house, moving in together then waiting over a year to marry. Things are so different nowadays.

Well some people certainly are judgmental. Why would it matter to you when people move in together? Have you checked out the divorce rate among baby boomers lately? Do you think that some of them could have saved themselves the trouble if they lived with their future spouses first? I'm not saying that's the right way to do things. There is no right way. Whatever works for the individuals is great.

 

[annegal]

BTW...My boyfriend (now DH)& I lived together for a few years. But when we decided to get married...we did.


I just don't understand theses loooonnnggggggg "engagements" & buying a house, oh and "let's have a baby" and ....oh yeah....then get married.

 

[momrek06]

Opening gifts would have been in poor taste because gifts at an engagement party are optional and it would have made people feel bad if they did not bring a gift. Speaking of poor taste, having an engagement party over a year before the wedding is also bad form. They should be held no sooner than 6 months before the wedding. Their purpose is to get both families acquainted, not really to celebrate the engagement when it happens since people tend to have longer engagements now. Of course, this is all old school etiquette and people seem to throw all the old rules out the window to suit their whims these days.

#1)***The Engagement Party was originally scheduled for Oct 2006, invites were all sent out (w/o the registry info), then the family suffered a very unexpected death and postponed the E party to Feb 2007 (new invites were sent out with the Crate and Barrel registry)....so they actually were going to have this 5 months AGO!!! (for a May 2008 wedding)

#2)***It would have been nice if the families came together at this party. The guys were all in the den, drinking and watching the car race, the bride's parents and sister were in the kitchen cooking/baking/serving and the grooms parents/relatives sat at one table in the dining room talking. I was introduced to the groom after I asked many times that I would like to meet him and finally as my family was exiting the party, we said our hello's to the groom.

BTW: The house they bought is in total renovation. It will take easily 3 years to fix up (they are doing it all themselves after work in the evening). They are living there but barely.

 

[Chicago526]

Huh. DH and I didn't have an engagement party, and I didn't want a shower (half my female relatives wouldn't have been able to attend, anyway). So all we got was whatever people brought to the wedding itself (totally okay with me!). We mostly got money, but we did get a few things from the small registry I made. Actually my fav gift was some Precious Moments figurines that a friend gave me. She is flat broke most of the time, so she just gave me some from her personal collection! :

Anyway, I don't have a problem with gifts given at an engagement party being used before the wedding, it's a gift to the couple, not a formailty writen in some dusty ettiquete book. Use it and enjoy it, I say!

 

[crz4mm2]

I thought an engagement party = no gifts... hummm.

 

[JikoMarie]

I just don't understand theses loooonnnggggggg "engagements" & buying a house, oh and "let's have a baby" and ....oh yeah....then get married.

Again, I'm not sure what there is to understand. People decide to do things the way that works best for them. I really don't think it is your place to judge.

 

[mickeyboat]

O.k. I googled.

Engagement parties are not for the purpose of getting gifts. People often bring something anyway, so it might be a good idea to have a small registry somewhere. One site said it was acually poor etiquette to bring a gfit.

If someone brings a gift, tuck it away and ask if you can open it later, after the party is over. Since gifts are not required, you don't want to make people feelbadly who did not bring a gift. If the gift-giver insists, try to do it right in front of them and not in front of others.

Send a thank you note as soon as you open the gift. No rules were specified as to whether or not you could open/use the gift before the wedding.

Parties should be held 6 months to a year before the wedding.

Maybe this is all the "new-fangled" etiquette, but I really didn't find many of the "rules" posted above.

 

[rt2dz]

I haven't read every single post, skimmed most of it, but this kind of interested me. I checked a few etiquette sites and most of them agree on the following:

*Gifts are not required and should never be expected, even from parents and close friends.
* Engagement presents are not required, even if an engagement party is thrown
* Couples should never register for nor hint at gifts (no enclosures in invitations, etc.)
* Thank you notes are necessary as soon as possible after the gift is received
* Giving a gift should not be a requirement to receive a wedding invitation
* Giving an engagement gift is voluntary and does not take the place of a wedding gift
* If given, presents should be offered as soon as possible after the engagement announcement


Also, most agreed that if the engagement is broken the gifts should be returned (new--not necessarily the exact gift, but a replica), or monetary value. Where most disagreed on is when the gifts could be used. Some said it is an engagement gift, not a wedding gift, so use could begin right away. Others said it would be better to wait because the returning of the gift should be done. However, some engagements last a long time (mine was 18 months), so even if you return the gift, the giver can do nothing with it. The long engagement was also a reason to be able to begin using the gift right away.

 

[tink_n_pooh]

I say that the gift is a gesture congratulating the couple on their engagement, and since they are engaged already they should go ahead and use the gifts.

 

[Kae]

Our Engagement parties are normally just a bunch of close GF's having a drink & getting a look at the ring & hearing about the plans. We do a basket for the bride to be Wine, Bride or Modern Bride subscribtion, planing book, some one goes to a TA & gets information for different trips. Different things like that.
Kae

 

[JikoMarie]

Our Engagement parties are normally just a bunch of close GF's having a drink & getting a look at the ring & hearing about the plans. We do a basket for the bride to be Wine, Bride or Modern Bride subscribtion, planing book, some one goes to a TA & gets information for different trips. Different things like that.

Now that's what we would call a small wedding shower. An engagement party here is for the couple, not just the bride, and it is definitely gift optional. However, if the couple wants to open the gifts that they do receive since they are presumably engagement gifts and not wedding gifts and start using them right away, I personally don't see the problem. If we were to have an engagement party, I probably would since we live together already.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

Our Engagement parties are normally just a bunch of close GF's having a drink & getting a look at the ring & hearing about the plans. We do a basket for the bride to be Wine, Bride or Modern Bride subscribtion, planing book, some one goes to a TA & gets information for different trips. Different things like that.
Kae

That's such a cute idea, and a fun way to share the excitement of getting engaged with your GFs! I'd still call it an engagement party, I think, even if it's girls only. A shower to me is when you give gifts to be used once the couple is married; this get-together is really celebrating the engagement itself and all the wedding planning the bride-to-be will get to do.

Actually, it reminds me of something a moms group I was in would do. When someone was having a second (or third or fourth) baby, instead of having a full "shower" we would have a "sprinkle." We all already had all of the "big" stuff from the first baby, so we would get little things for the new addition. It was fun, and we usually celebrated it at one of our moms-night-out dinners that we did every month anyway.

Sorry for going OT...back to the engagement party...