Amy's Journal: Comments Welcome!

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you Julie, Tracy and Tracey. Once again, I have been MIA for too long. This last week has been insane. My brother and his family have been here. I have hosted four family dinners and I am sick of cooking, cleaning and eating. But its been fun. My sister came and was actually on pretty decent behavior (for her). We have been to the waterpark, swimming pool and may go to the zoo tomorrow. Or a movie (my vote, I am pooped). I also had my new little daycare kid this week. He is five, really adorable and my kids really helped out. His mom works with my dh, and he is going to the same school my kids are. So I'll have him after school and when school is out. So that's been great and just added to the week's events. And my brother and I went to see the attorney to get the ball rolling on getting my mom on medicaid. We want to keep her home for as long as we can, but me and stepdad just cannot do this alone anymore. So we have a lot of work to do and I need to hire a caseworker to evaluate her and her situation. The attorney said she was "horrified" by the fact my mom is this far advanced with her Alzheimers and cancer and that stepdad and I have been doing this alone. Yeah honey, I'm horrified too! Brother was great and is loaning my parents the money to have the attorney fill out the government forms and pay for the caseworker.

But I must say, I am DRAINED. The vacation, the company, the babysitting, I just feel so wiped out. And have been AWFUL with my food. I am just so depressed, not sleeping, feeling very weepy over the way I look and disgusted. And stressed. And eating more. Makes no sense but there you go. I find myself glad Lovin Arizona (miss you Amy) is not here to see how awful I am. I just feel positively unhinged. But I really think next week when the kids go back to school and I get this stuff with my mom settled it will be better. I hope so.

Got invited to dh's cousin's rehearsal dinner. Cannot go to the wedding due to dh's issues with 99% of his family. This one cousin is a very sweet guy and I love his fiancee. They are the only two members of a large family that make any effort to talk to dh or know us. I don't really want to go, and dh totally doesn't and says he won't, but I feel we should. We aren't going to the wedding but since dh's mom and grandma (the two people who dumped my dh years ago) aren't invited it should be safe. Even so, just thinking about it makes me sick. And stressed which I so don't need. No idea what to do, we need to decide soon, the RSVP deadline is soon. Why does life have to be so complicated? When I saw the email invite from his aunt, who hasn't spoken to her nephew in years, who the last time I invited her to my home she sent me a note that literally said "don't bother, don't call us, we'll call you" I just felt ill. The thought of being at a party hosted by this woman is enough to make me very upset. And it did obviously. Enough about that I guess. I'll let dh decide which means we won't have to go. And that everyone will blame me thinking I made the decision.
I really hope I get on track soon. I think according to my scale, which is seldom that accurate I have gained another five pounds. I won't weigh in at WW until next Wednesday. Sort of my "new year" since the kids start back that morning to school. Frankly I cannot wait. My plan is to weigh in, then take a nice long walk. Six days and counting....

I am taking my 30 sig off. I obviously cannot brag on that count anymore and don't deserve to have it on my sig!

 

[traceycooper]

I really think next week when the kids go back to school and I get this stuff with my mom settled it will be better.

It definatly will Amy
Life has been way to hectic for you, no wonder your feeling down!!
The weight will come off too when life gets back to normal (haa whats normal eh!!)
Make sure you have a good rest & some nice quality relaxation time (and a mai tai or two )

As for your cousin's rehearsal dinner & the Aunt, dont stress, what will be will be, you cant change people, & if they cant accept you for who you are whether you go or not, their not worth making an effort for, just be yourself & let them deal with their own problems.

 

[toystoryduo]

Amy sweetie,

Of course you are drained! You have been on the go for the past few weeks with Disneyland and DC and you've had company and been entertaining. You have had so much going on and not a whole lot of time to recover from any of it. Now that the kids will be going back to school, you can make some time for yourself to relax and just "be" for awhile. As for the exercise and healthy eating.... maybe take everything in baby steps and focus on the positives each day. You CAN and you WILL get back OP....Just give yourself some time to recover from all that you have been doing and been through first.

In terms of the rehearsal dinner, I say skip it. You and Dan do not need to be around a bunch of negative people (family or not) who can't see what wonderful people you both are. I say make your regrets and maybe take them out to dinner to celebrate their marriage at a later date. That way, it can be two couples who enjoy each others company having a great time together.

Sweetie, I know that you are going through a rough time right now, but don't give up! You are a beautiful woman, a wonderful wife, daughter, and mom and a most excellent friend. Lean on God and let Him be your strength to see you through. Know that your WISH sisters love you and are praying for you.... We've got your back!

Take extra special good care of you and have a blessed weekend. If you need me, I am here.

 

[MIdanceMom]

Amy,

You are an amazing woman. You obviously give so much of yourself. You have a family, help care for your mother, run a daycare. Any one of those things can lead to fatigue. You have a ton of stress in your life right now, and things will get better. Please do not be so hard on yourself. Sometimes the best we can do is get out of bed in the morning and get through the day. You are doing much more than that.

We are here for you,
Beth

 

[goldcupmom]

Amy!

Hang in there! It will get better, someway, somehow, someday!

Until then, you've got us!!!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Oh my gosh you guys, thank you so much! Its so good to log on here and feel the love and support. Sometimes its the only place I am going to get much in that department aside from dh. Who works all the time and is a man so you know how that goes!

So to coin the phrase my mom had up on her bathroom mirror back in the 1970's: "Today is the first day of the rest of my life"! I have to just look at this as a fresh start and move on. Last night I tortured myself with the "if I had stayed on track after I got my 30 pound ribbon on March 28th, I would have lost another 20 pounds and be at 50 pounds now". Lovely method of thinking at 3:00 a.m. When I am suffering a food hangover from eating too much Mexican food no less. I had a good cry and really wanted to slap myself silly. So not a nice feeling, not like when I got that 30 pound ribbon and felt like I could do anything.

Yesterday was supposed to be my start up day. But I got a call late morning, brother, his wife and their two little girls were at the airport, flight cancelled, hotel and rental car gone and could we come and get them and put them up for the night. Well of course, we were thrilled to get an extra day with them but that meant I couldn't do the lowfat tacos I was supposed to make for lunch (not enough to go around) and brother wanted to take us out to dinner to thank us (could not refuse free food of course ) so today apparently is the first day of the rest of my life, not yesterday.

Here is the plan:
Walk on the treadmill today, no excuses.

Journal what I eat (I think I remember how).

Set an August exercise challenge: yes, I know its August 20th, I won't bother to join the Wish Challenge this late (will do that in September however) but will set my own. 12 Days in the month, I will exercise at least10 of those days for a total of 300 minutes.

Weigh in on Wednesday despite the fact it will be very painful. I believe I have only weighed in about four times all summer. In spite of the fact WW is taking out $39 from my checking account each month. So that would be $120 for four weigh in's. Again, best not to look back but look forward!

Read my Bob Greene book from start to finish.

Listen to my Weight Loss hypnosis cd's. I am not a big believer in hypnosis but these are more just about motivation and getting in touch with my feelings about being overweight. They are around here someplace!

Log onto Dottiesweightlosszone Tons of good success stories, tips, recipe's and motivation to be had.

Visit WISH faithfully, journal, keep up with all of you and enjoy the support we give to each other!

Eat five servings of fruits and veggies each day. Have been pretty good with this but not to the tune of five a day.

So that is the plan, all things that will be easy enough to do and follow and make me feel so much better about myself. That would feel pretty good.

Decided to go to cousin's rehearsal dinner. Dh made the decision, I was shocked. Normally he avoids any unpleasantries in life! He said he wants his cousin to know we love him and his fiancee, doesn't want him to feel rejected like we did when that whole entire family didn't bother to show up at our wedding, and also wants his aunt (who he has seen three times in 15 years and not at all since 2001) to see how we are still together, happy and how nice our kids are. Also, its a free dinner. Gotta love dh and his reasoning. I think he was a stray dog in a former life, always looking for the next free meal! I am not going to stress about this, I'll be nice, tell the kids to be on their best behavior and it will be fine. I wonder if I can lose 30 pounds by August 31st???

 

[MIdanceMom]

Wow Amy,

You have a lot going on. First, I think you DH must be a really nice guy to feel like that. Go, have a great time, and let his aunt stew in her juices. Even if you don't lose an ounce, you are a lovely woman, with a wonderful family, and to hell with the aunt.

I know that the dinner out derailed your plan a bit, but what I like about WW is that each day, each week, and each moment can be a new start. We get our weekly FF, our daily points, weekly WI. Mess up on 1 (or all3) tomorrow we can try again. You are absolutely right to look forward. You can and will do this. You have many goals in that plan of yours. Perhaps focus on 1 or 2 of them if things get overwhelming. That said, when I get home, I'm going to reread my WW materials, so I can refocus too.

Have a fantastic day.
Beth

 

[toystoryduo]

Hey Amy,

Girl, you sound focused and ready to go! I like the goals that you have set for yourself and I know that you CAN and WILL accomplish every one of them!

Have a wonderful day today!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you so much Beth and Tracy.

Beth: Dh is a very nice guy, he really loves this cousin, this young man made an effort years ago when he was even younger to go out on his own and contact me and Dan and start a relationship up with us. He is the only one we really have contact with. I like his mom fine, just don't know her at all and its obvious she has no desire to be a part of our lives. It feels a bit funny to be thrust back into the family on these very rare occasions. We feel very much like outsiders. Oh well, I am just happy we are going, I know dh really gets stressed about this, far more than I do since after all its his family!


Tracy: Thanks for the encouragement, I am focused now comes the hard part: staying that way!!!

Here is my food journal for yesterday:
Atkins Shake: 3
1 oz. turkey: 1
Grapes: 1
Healthy Choice Meal: 7
1/2 cup Kang pao chicken (4)
Taco salad made with 3 cups greens, 96% lean taco meat, shredded cheese and salsa: 9
Pudding: 1
Cookies: 3

I should have resisted the leftover Chinese, threw that out to avoid further temptation and the cookies. But in all, I am pleased with the day. I also got my water in and walked 30 minutes. The treadmill still works! I got so bored, I hate that thing and walking outside right now is a no go since its in the high 90's and I can't leave my little daycare charge here alone with my kids. I could get up earlier but thats not gonna happen either. I am toying with joining Curves, I tend to do better working out in a gym setting but not sure I want to spend the money. I may go check them out tomorrow. It would be easy to do on the way home from taking the kids to school. It takes 30 minutes, I think I can handle that. And its all women, definitely prefer that setup.

Food today is good, although I have not eaten lunch yet. I have been so busy I haven't had time. So I need to do that. Spent awhile on the phone with a social worker who will come out and evaluate my mom's need so that we can submit an application into Medicaid for her to get some at home assistance. I hope it all goes through. Keeping fingers crossed, I know she needs the help, we'll see if Uncle Sam thinks she does enough to pay for it.

Thanks for the support

Exercise goal: 30/300

 

[Amy&Dan]

Okay quick post for today's food:
Oatmeal: 5
Special K Bar: 2
Soft Taco: 8
Apple sauce: 1
4 oz of chicken: 4
20 so far, I didn't have time to eat a real dinner as its back to school night. I also didn't have time to walk today, maybe when we get home but doubtful. I did however get a ton of phone calls accomplished today regarding my mom and researched Curves. I am thinking about joining this tomorrow. Not sure I want to pay $34 a month but working out at home is simply not happening at all. From what I have read, its a good strenght training/toning workout for beginners. And given my weight it should be easy enough to accomplish. So I set up an appt. to tour the place tomorrow following Weight Watchers. No doubt when I see the scale it will motivate me to join Curves. I figure if I give up a couple of fast food runs, that will pay for Curves! I will probably have a bowl of cereal when I get home from Back to School night. Only got in one veggie and one fruit serving today. Not good, but I am sort of still in beginner mode here. I'll post my weigh in results tomorrow and put on my Wish Clippie once I see what my total loss now is. I really miss my 30 pound clippie and want that back very soon!

 

[toystoryduo]

Amy,

You are doing a great job WISH sis! Your food looks good, you're getting exercise in, and you're getting ready to tour Curves today! Keep up the good work!

I'm glad to hear that progress is being made with your mom's situation. Sending lots of for everything to work out.

Hope you have a blessed day!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Well I was up yet another 4 pounds, making my grand total for the summer: 11 pounds GAINED. Sheesh, thats pretty pathetic! So my 30 pound clippie is history, to be replaced by a 20 pound clippie. I guess its better than nothing! If I have a very good week, I could get a 25 pound one next week (need to lose 3.6 this week to do that). Of course there is also the matter of the six or seven pounds I lost on my own way back when but I have decided to just nuke that from my mind and thinking. Given that I weighed myself on my own scale (which is never accurate) who knows what my true start point was. It has just gotten too confusing trying to figure out my "true" loss versus my "WW" loss is so I am just going to go with my first weight at Weight Watchers from here on out. So folks, here it is:

Start point: January, 2006: 246.8
Today's weight: 225.4
Total loss: 21.4

Those are very difficult numbers to put down for all the world to see, and I also have this deep fear somebody I know will read this. After all, I stupidly put my own and dh's name's as my username and everybody knows I disboard but I guess if somebody wants to investigate me, my life is an open book! Maybe writing the numbers down will force me into some action. But I really do wish I would have come up with a clever sign name to give me some sense of privacy from friends and family members who occasionally disboard. Oh well .

I did join Curves today. I really liked it, I can see this will be a great start point for me. From what I have reserached, if you do it faithfully you can lose inches and tone up. After a year, however, you need to switch to something more intense. Of course as luck would have it, this Curves is right across the street from a huge retirement community. So the place is overrun with very nice older ladies who remind me of my mom! Cannot escape older ladies to save me life, but at least I feel very youthful. One nice lady told me I was "just a kid". Yeah, lady a 42 year old kid who needs to lose 80 pounds!

Here is today's food, I am going to go ahead and put my dinner in as well, I have already got that planned so might as well.

Breakfast: Atkins shake:3

Lunch: Taco Salad (made w/96% lean beef, 2 cups salad greens, 3 TB salsa ranch, 1tb cheese): 7
Grapes: 1

Snack: 1/2 PBJ sandwich: 3
Half of a16 oz. coke: 2

Dinner: 6 oz. cod: 6
One t olive oil: 1
Broccoli w/ cheese sauce: 1
1/2 cup rice w/ 1 teaspoon butter: 3
pudding: 1

Total for the day: 28 (right on target)

I drank that coke after my workout, I had my shake at 6:00, finished my Curves thing at 11:00 and my head was killing me and I felt like I would pass out. So I hopped over to Boston Market and got a coke, drank half then threw the rest out. I clearly need to eat something a little closer to my workout. Then came home had my salad and was still starving and craving peanut butter so I had a half sandwich. Not sure how smart that was but at least I kept the spoon out of the peanut butter and put a small amount on bread instead! I am really hungry but determined to eat only 0 point foods until dinner (maybe I will have some fresh veggies, but that's it)! I sort of look at the next week or so as a detox period to undo all the damage I have done this summer. And I am slamming the water.

So that is today, thanks for reading and the encouragement!

Tracy: Thanks for the good thoughts, my mom (when she remembers) is really angry with me for having this case worker come out and evaluate her. But it needs to be done to get the medicaid and I am not a medical professional so I don't know what all she needs. But she needs something. And I am starting to be okay with the fact that is fine if somebody else does something for my mom. It can't always be me, my brother has finally gotten his message across to me!

August exercise goal: 60/300

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi Amy,

I know what you mean about the scale and putting that number out there for the world to see. I am so proud of you for doing that. It wasn't easy, but you did it. The great thing is that even though it was difficult, your progress will help inspire those that read your journal.

I am so happy that you decided to join Curves! That's a great way to get out, work out, and spend some time doing something just for you. Way to go WISH sis!

You're doing great with the food and exercise! Don't forget to celebrate each victory along the way.

Prayers continue for your mom.

Hope you have a great day!

 

[lovinaz]

AWESOME job on the good day!!! Doesn't planning help so much?? And yes, you should have a healthy snack that includes protein after your workout (like a protein shake or string cheese - nothing too big). It'll help your muscles.

And yay to you posting those numbers. That takes guts and it means you are serious! Don't dwell on what could have been, should have been done in the past. The what-ifs will drag you down everytime. You can't change the past, but you CAN change the future and I know you will.

 

[MIdanceMom]

Hi Amy,

I am so proud of you for owning those numbers. I have very similar numbers. You should be very proud that you stopped the weight gain now, and didn't wait until it was higher.

I think you will like curves. I did it for about 8 months. It is a great starting point. Everyone there is very friendly.

Keep up the great work, and you'll be losing those pounds.

Take care,
Beth

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you Beth, Amy and Tracy! Owning up to the numbers was not the easiest thing I have done, but I think thats part of the process of healing my addiction to food and getting healthy, once and for all.

All dinner plans failed tonight, I was out of power for awhile and dh just brought home McD's. I had a Happy Meal, but I was already low on points due to a large lunch. So I used some Flex points, not sure how many but probably around 10. Thankfully the power came back on so I didn't lose any of the $400 worth of healthy food I have bought in the last week! I should have had a grilled chicken sandwich but that burger just sounded good. Again, a Happy Meal but still way too many points and way too little nutrition.

I did drink my water and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I was going to walk outside an add'l 15 but dd was not feeling well, I didn't want to leave her home alone and she couldn't come with me on her scooter. Still, I should have made more of an effort I guess.

I am tired and hungry. I think my body is adjusting to the new routine. My head hurts again but I also feel better, mostly in my mind since I feel like I am back on track. Even with McD's for dinner!

I go to Curves tomorrow, I am actually looking forward to it. I got my workout clothes ready and am setting the alarm a bit early so that I get myself all ready to go. Normally when I drive the kids to school, I just throw on sweats and don't worry about anything else. Now I need to allow time to make myself at least somewhat presentable so I don't scare any other Curvee's!

August weight challenge: 90/300

 

[toystoryduo]

Look at you go, Amy! Remember to focus on the positives:

* You chose a Happy Meal over a full blown value meal. You saved a ton of calories with your choice and had a yummy meal at the same time.

* You drank your water.

* You got on the treadmill and got your workout in.

* You're going to Curves today and you're looking forward to it.

Sounds like you are dong very well, my friend. Keep up the good work!

I hope your DD is feeling better today. Here's some get well for her.

Hope you have a great weekend!

 

[lovinaz]

I know it stinks to be tired and hungry, but you are right - your body is getting rid of all the junk you've been eating and it doesn't like it! But don't worry, it'll get used to it after a couple days of healthy eating!!

Once you get into Curves, it will become easier to stick to a routine. I have been waking up at 4:50am, out the door by 5am and at the gym by 5:15, do a 45 minute workout, then am back at home by 6:15 to get ready for work/get kids ready for school. I never thought I'd be able to pull it off, but I am surprised at how easy it is. I have to tell myself that it is like my job and I can't just blow it off. So far so good... Maybe you can come up with a similar mental game to make sure Curves and WW meetings are top priorities.

Great job getting the workout in. On the days where you have to get fast food, have you considered getting Subway instead? It's just as quick and a LOT healthier! That's what we do and the kids love getting to pick their own sandwich fixin's.

 

[MIdanceMom]

Hey woman,

I am with Tracy. You did great yesterday. The Flex Points are there for days when things don't go according to plan. I hope you and DD are feeling better this evening. How was your Curves workout?

Have a great weekend,
Beth

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks Tracey, I guess a Happy Meal is better than a Big Mac meal!

Amy: You are so right, Subway would have been way better. Anything is better than McD's.

Beth: I did go to Curves, it was great, I am a bit sore today, but not too bad. The ladies there all are really nice.

So yesterday went well (until dinner ). I went to Curves. I told dh I will take the kids to school, he often does, he literally drives right by their school on his way to work. However, I told him I would prefer to take them, since that gets me out the door on a set time to go to Curves. So I did that yesterday and it worked out well. He'll still take them on Wednesday's, I have WW that morning and it gets too complicated if I have to take them. Now that my kids are in a private school, its much, much further, and it was nice to have them dropped off by dad (saved me a ton of gas money) but I think this way works better. And its better if dh gets into the office earlier anyway. I may start subbing at the kids school. If that interferes with my Curves, I'll just have to go at night. The good thing is that the kids can be left home alone while I go over there, there isn't any type of a daycare and dh generally works late. Funny, when they approached me about subbing I was thrilled but immediately though, uh oh, here goes Curves. I won't let that happen. Of course this is all hingent on my mom getting the at home assistance. If she doesn't qualify, I can't sub since I will still be needed over there too often. We'll see.

Yesterday's Food:

Breakfast I had All Bran with walnuts and blueberries.

Lunch was very good, I had baked potato with some vegetarian chili and lowfat cheese.

Then we decided to take the kids to see Ratatouille that night. We hadn't seen it yet (dd is the only kid in the "whole world" who hadn't seen it). Fine, this particular theater has regular food, you actually sit at a table and watch the movie and have a waitress. Seemed like fun. Unfortunately, their menu is mostly junk food and Dan misread the movie time. It started 45 minutes later so we had to wait in the lobby for awhile, I got starved and could smell all this bar food being prepared in the kitchen. End result, too hungry, with too little choices. So I had:

Six chicken wings
Two pieces of fried cheese
chips and salsa
small salad that was so disgusting I could not eat it. Yukcy iceberg lettuce with a dollop of dressing (asked for on the side, didn't work out that way and of course the waitress disappeared). So I scraped off the dressing as best I could but it was just pretty gross. Next time, I'll know to eat BEFORE I go there!
I also had two bites of ds' cheesecake. His braces still hurt so all the food hurt his braces, so I let him order a piece of cheesecake that was the size of my butt. Naturally I had to have some too! There was a ton left, nobody (but me of course) wanted it. So after my two bites, I just inverted the plate into the nasty, basket of wing bones so I couldn't see it or be tempted! Surprised I didn't just go ahead and turn it back over and suck it down, wing sauce and all!

I need to figure in my points but at this point I am guestimating I used another 15 points from my flex points. Meaning I have used 23 of my 35 (used 8 on Thursday). I have the whole weekend mapped out with my food so thats good. I just need to get better at dealing with emergencies that always seem to crop up. Preplan for the unplanned I guess!

August challenge: 120/300 (7 days to get my other 180 minutes in)