Amy's Journal: Comments Welcome!

[toystoryduo]

Hey WISH sis!

How are you doing sweetie? I hope things are getting better with mom. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Hope you have a great day!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hello Wish Friends. I am sorry I have been MIA for so long. This was a really hard week food wise. I just cannot seem to get back on track and I am so discouraged! I should weigh in today, but TOM is back and my food was not great and I know I am up again. I think I'll go but I don't want to. But I also know if I don't I stand even less of a chance of getting back on track.

I am pretty disgusted with myself. I cannot believe that in a year and a half I am only at 30 pounds. I see people on here who are losing so fast and I wonder why I cannot do that. I feel guilty and sad all the time. Yet I do nothing about it. I have my days, weeks even months where I am on track then I fall apart. I do think summer is really hard for me. Having the kids home, the constant bbq's and the fact I drink more beer and fruity, tropical drinks (not a lot but more than I do in the winter and those calories really add up). I know there are many people who would just say "get off your duff and do it" and I know that, but somehow cannot make it happen.

I also think the fact so few people have noticed my weight loss is discouraging. It shouldn't matter what people think but it does. I think I just have so much to lose and its come off so gradually people don't notice.

I did have to laugh at DL. We got AP's and they have our pictures on them. Since we have had AP's before they could issue new ones with the old pictures. Took way less time so we went ahead even though the pics are almost two years old. Dan looks the same. The kids look way more grown up and mature (these pictures were taken in September of 2005) but still relatively the same. I look awful. This was at my all time heaviest and my face looks like that was where the 30 pounds came off of. A cm at the gate one morning told me "congratulations". I looked puzzled and she pointed to my picture on her screen (it comes up when they scan the pass) and said "you've lost a ton of weight". Bless you nice woman from Fullerton California, why can nobody else notice that?

Guess I just have to keep plugging away. The good news is that other than my recent vacation gain (which has not gone away as hoped) I have maintained this loss pretty consistently. The last time I lost 30 pounds, it stayed off exactly a day, by the next week I was up and it kept going. I gained all that 30 back plus another 25 over the next 8 years. So in some ways, I have done better. Still, I am discouraged and ashamed at myself and my lack of control. I so wanted to be at 50 pounds by my birthday in December! But I set goals and don't make them which makes me just feel worse.

So I had two bbq's and one birthday party over the weekend. Did well at one lousy at the other two. Now tonight I have company coming over, making a healthy dinner and a very fattening dessert. This is dh's cousin and his fiancee and they are very nice but in my mind I never feel like dh's family likes me. I never know what to say, these are literally the only people on his mother's side he talks to (doesn't talk to mom or brothers in over 15 years now) and the stress of being with that side of the family, even nice ones, makes me literally sick. They are coming over so that we can give them their wedding gift since we cannot go to this wedding (we always stay away since his mom cannot see us. To her Dan is dead and my kids don't exist, nice huh?). Fiancee almost always asks me "when are you going back to work?". No harm I guess, yet, I feel like they think I am a moron that Dan has to support. Then a bbq with friends on Saturday (with drinks no doubt) and another one on Sunday (that one should be way easier, and I don't plan to drink at all). Three special occasions before my week is even half over. And I wonder why I cannot lose. Then next weekend I have out of town company and that should also be a nightmare food wise. Then we leave for D.C. to see Dan's aunt (from his dad's side, the normal, nice ones who love me God bless them) for a week. I see the summer just drifing by and packing pounds on my already weight gained body.

So yeah, this is not a good day. I'll let you know later if I went to weigh in and how that went. Sorry to vent, see why I haven't been around lately!

 

[Amy&Dan]

I should add that shortly after I posted, stepdad called and said once again my mom will not get out of bed. We talked quite awhile, its clear to us both that she has given up. She never eats much, sleeps all the time, won't walk at the mall anymore and refuses to let us help her. I begged her recently to see a new doctor, one that a friend of mine takes her mom to. She just got nasty and told me I was basically jealous because she is so skinny. Whatever, believe me Mom, I am not jealous of you in the slightest. I think stepdad was wanting me to come over so we can play good cop/bad cop to get her out of bed. Not today. I want to weigh in and I need to get the house and myself shaped up for tonights dinner with dh's cousin. I can only take so much stress. Tomorrow I promised to take the kids to the pool. So I told him I would be over Friday instead. So now I have a lunch out with my mom on Friday to her favorite fattening Mexican place. Or maybe I'll just tell her, nope can't go there, lets go to Subway and take it to the park.

I feel bad, but I talked to him for awhile and he felt better. I just don't have the energy or time to go over there and face that. Bad daughter, but being good to myself.

Okay, I am off to weigh. Maybe I'll only be up a pound or two. On top of the 6 I was last week!

 

[toystoryduo]

Oh Amy,

I wish we lived closer to one another so I could give you a hug, we could chat, and so we could cheer each other on to our goals in real life. I understand what you are going through. I have been WISHing for over 3.5 years and I am now 4 pounds away from where I started from. This journey of ours can be so tough sometimes. Throw in a DH, kids, pets, extended family, work, school, car issues, and TOM and it can be downright impossible some days.

I think it is wonderful that you have maintained your 30 pound weight loss! That is an awesome accomplishment, Amy and one that you should be proud of!

Have you given any more thought to following Bob Greene's Best Life Now Diet plan? I like the way he creates baby steps to follow before getting into the major weight loss goals. Or maybe just set one goal for yourself each month and do yor very best to accomplish it.

I'm not sure what the answer is.... Some days it's hard to exercise and some days it's hard to eat right. Some days, it's downright impossible to do both. I wish that Tinkerbell would send some pixie dust and poof! We'd all wake up thin and healthy.

Amy, you said that you wanted to lose 50 pounds by December.... You have already lost 30 pounds so you are over halfway there! You CAN do this, Amy! Don't give up!

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. I will do an exercise challenge with you, I'll do Bob Greene's program with you, just let me know. I could use a buddy to keep me accountable! If you're interested, we could do the challenge via PM or here in our journals, it's up to you.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your mom. I will be praying for all of you.

Take good care of you! Keep on Keeping on, Amy!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you Tracy, I need to find my Bob Green book (that gives you a hint of how much I have been following his advice). It would be great to read that and maybe do that together. And I do wish we lived close by, we have a lot in common!

I got up the courage today to call the attorney and make an appointment for my brother and I to go in and talk with him while bro is here in August. Stepdad is happy we are doing this. We need to make sure everything is in order. I went to Alz. Support tonight, sadly our whole group has had a rough two months (we didnt' meet in June), with every single loved one having a downturn. One of our members, an elderly, retired minister, married for 49 years wept as he is getting ready to put his wife in a nursing home. So hard to hear and so thankful we are all there for each other. It really helped. I got the names of three nursing homes I will tour in the next few months. I am hopeful we wont' need this for awhile but I want to be ready.

My stepdad called earlier and said my mom was almost not going to get out of bed to go get her hair done but he made her. That has been the only place she has willingly gone to for months now. And now that seems to be getting hard to take her to as well. I am taking her to lunch tomorrow, we'll see if she goes or not.

I did weigh in on Wednesday, up another pound. But TOM is done, and I have been spending a lot of time in the bathroom, my kidneys defintiely seem to be flushing out my system. So maybe that pound is gone by now. I survive the dinner with dh's cousin. We had a great night, they loved their wedding gift and we had fun. I had one glass of wine and a piece of cake. There were three pieces left, I sent one home with cousin and put the other two in baggies for the kids. Ds has still not eaten his, what a weirdo, he said he wanted to save it and had a bunch of fruit today instead. I think he is not my child! Food today was good. My water has been good. Still no exercise. Maybe tomorrow, God knows I need to!

I am feeling better. Tracy thanks for your encouragament, you are right. In all, I am one third the way to my total goal. That is something. I am worried about our upcoming trip to DC. Tons of eating out in nice restaurants but its only five days. I know we'll do a lot of walking and I need to drink plenty of water. Still, it'll be another wasted week on my WW plan. The summers, with trips and bbq's and parties just kill me every year! But I am feeling better and my leader told me she won't let me give up. And I know you all won't either!

Well, I guess I should go to bed, its pushing 2:00 a.m. and I am wide awake. Too much on mind, probably from tonight's meeting. Thanks for reading!

 

[toystoryduo]

Amy,

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better. You can do anything you put your mind to and your WISH sisters will be here to cheer you on to victory!

I think it's good that you and your brother will be going to see the attorney in August. It's good to make sure things are in order. (Even though it might be difficult.)

Sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way. Have a good weekend!

 

[traceycooper]

Hey Amy how are you doing
You have not only lost 30 lb's BUT kept the 30 lb's off!! & thats the harder part.
I think people who you see most of the time dont notice weight loss as its gradual so not noticable, it shows you can tell after what the cm said.
I'm glad the dinner with DH cousin turned out to be not as bad as you thought.
I'm so sorry you have to go through so much with your mom, i cannot imagine how difficult it is, the Alz support sounds like a big help & i'm sure it must relieve some stress & tension being able to talk to other people.
you only gained 1 lb so much less than you were expecting & like you said thats proberbly gone now.
Sending lots of
To help you stay positive & you have a lot of things to be positive about
Take care sweety

 

[toystoryduo]

Hey WISH sis!

How was your weekend? I've been praying for you and your mom. I hope things are getting better.

Have a great Tuesday!

 

[CACruisin']

for all you do for your mom. It is hard to talk to the atty and look at the nursing homes, but like you said, it needs to be done and then you will be prepared when the time comes.

You have come a long way and don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. You have lost 30 lbs and kept it off. You will get back on track and ultimately achieve your goal.

Take care!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you so much Anna, Tracey and Tracy. You all are the best .

Just when I am ready to cash in my mom's chips so to speak, she improves. I took her to lunch on Friday, she had showered (a rare thing sad to say), had on new, clean clothes, was positive and much sharper. Stepdad says he is really watching her to make sure she takes her anti depressants and I think that is helping. Don't get me wrong, she was still forgetful and confused but she was happy and upbeat too which was so nice. I had a heads up, brother called that morning (he knew I was taking her out) and said he had talked to her and it was like she was a different person from just the day before. So those prayers and good thoughts hit the mark! She has been pretty good all week, she was a little off yesterday but had to go in for a scan and I know that freaks her out. We'll see what that scan says, the doctor says she likely needs some chemo but I have mixed feelings about that. I hate to put her through that again given the fact she is often so miserable. But lately she is better so now I am back to thinking she should do it. Decisions, decisions!

I have been a bad WISHER, so sorry I have been MIA. Its been a busy week, my friend had a daycare crisis so I have had her daughter (same age as mine so that has been fun for them) all week. We have been on the go, going swimming, its been near a hundred every day. Yesterday we spent six hours at the waterpark. Now today dd is sick (love that 4:00 a.m. thing when you wake up and your kid is standing above you telling you "I need to vomit" !) so my friend is staying home with her daughter and I think I should have a quieter day. Ds has also had his one and only friend over two days in a row. They are all great, but I think there is a reason I don't have four kids!

Food has been okay, much better, still much room to improve. I have walked on the treadmill two of the last four days which is also an improvement. I didn't weigh in yesterday due to the waterpark outing. Maybe taking a week off is a good thing. I will go next week, the day before we leave for DC to see dh's aunt. Cousin sent me the itinerary, they have planned a ton of fun things for us and so many good meals out. I can see the writing on the wall with that . And some of my new shorts and crop pants are tight which makes me insanely angry at myself. But its a good reminder to watch myself. I really hope I can hold it together. One thing about it, they don't drink at all so I won't feel comfortable having more than maybe one or two glasses of wine if that. I told dh maybe he and I can do some sharing of meals. He played along nicely but looked bummed, the man loves to eat!

So that's my story, I need to catch up with you guys. I have to say, as much as I am looking forward to the trip and have enjoyed having the kids home, I am looking forward to them going back to school and really getting back on track. We leave for WDW on 10/25 and I have this trip next week, then brother and his family here the week after that. So I will have a good two and half months of normal life to really hit things hard before we leave for WDW. I still hold out hope to be at a larger loss, maybe 45 pounds. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it , have you heard that before from me or what! I still set the goals, what the heck, I must just make one this time!

Thanks for the support, it really does help and things are much better.

 

[toystoryduo]

Amy,

I am so glad to hear that your mom is doing better. We'll continue to pray, especially as she gets the results of her scan.

Great job with your eating and exercise this week! Keep up the good work!

It sounds like your trip to D.C. will be a fun one! You'll probably be doing lots of walking, right? Maybe make it a goal to eat as healthy as you can, drink lots of water, and enjoy the touring and fun activities that are planned.

Sending some get well for your DD. Hope she is feeling better soon!

Have a great Thursday!

 

[traceycooper]

Hi Amy
Great news about mom
I hope it continues & i'm keeping everything crossed for the scan

Sounds like you've been pretty busy!
Hope DD gets better soon
Well done for for getting time to fit the TM in, i dont know how you did it!! I bet you burnt loads of cals at thewaterpark too!
Your trip next week sounds fun
Have a great weekend

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks Tracy and Tracey! As usual, thanks for sticking with me, even when I don't feel like sticking with myself!

So ds and I also got sick, I haven't felt this bad in years. Sort of like the flu, didn't know you could get the flu in the summer. Aches, pains, bad congestoin and cough and fevers. Today we feel better but aren't there yet. So I have not exercised and food has been okay although I did drink some regular, good old Coke a few times (why does that always taste so good when you are sick). Also, I have an unusual knack for gaining weight when I am sick, so it looks like this week's weigh in won't be the best. Am hoping to just maintain. Also am hoping to weigh in at all, we leave Thrusday and I have not done one blessed thing to get ready. I took the kids to a movie on Friday, dd's two friends were over and it was nice to go and do something in the ac where I could just sick. Ds and I both hacked up lungs which I am sure everyone around us appreciated.

Oh, and the whole way to the movie, both of her friends spent the whole way talking about how fat they are. Look at these thighs, look at my fat stomach, I am going on Atkins (these girls are ten mind you). DD just kept quiet and then finally said "I think I look healthy, I eat lots of fruit and just stop when I am full, my mom says if I do that, I'll never be fat". God bless dd. If I had had that attitude when I was her age, I would not be where I am at. This set up a talk between her and me and I told her that going on crazy diets and always griping about how you look are very damaging to your self esteem. She then told me she hates it when I talk mean about myself. So I am going to try to work on that. But I was really proud she spoke up, hopefully that wasn't just because she knew I was probably listening! Although she says "all the girls" talk like that and she always just says what she said. She told me one girl in her class was telling a bunch of them how you can make yourself barf after you eat so you don't get fat. Again, these are ten year old girls. Really scary.

I think I am just waiting to get back from vacation to really start anew (again). I hope to just hold my own in DC. Dh's pants are tight so he says meal sharing is a good thing. It will also save money, we need to do that, I just had to give the orthodontist $600, six months earlier than what he told me as ds is apparently ahead of schedule and ready for braces now instead of in March. And that is just the down payment. I said I was a bit surprised and couldn't this wait and he lectured me on the importance of doing the responsible thing with ds' mouth. Whatever. Then he got in his Mercedes to go play golf (saw him loading his clubs in the trunk). At least I know right where my money goes!

So that is the latest and not so greatest. I am planning on reading the Bob Greene book on vacation. I also think with a good three months to WDW I can really make some progress. I am ready for summer to be over and get back on track!

 

[traceycooper]

Hi amy
Hope your feeling better soon
It is so scary how young girls think & feel about their image, but at least it sounds like your DD has a good head on her shoulders
I go away Thursday too
Just started the packing today.
Hows mom doing?
Have a great trip (just in case i dont get back here before you leave )

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi Amy,

Kudos to your DD! Good for her for being brave and telling her friends the right way to stay heathy. I can't believe the pressure that girls face these days to look a certain way. I was watching one of those celebrity fit shows on VH1 and some of these young women are in the gym 4-5 hours a day and eating 800-1000 calories. I think Hollywood and the media have a responsibility to step up to the plate like Shaquille O' Neill is doing, and show kids how to stay healthy w/a proper diet and exercise and how to maintain a healthy body image; not like the ones that are commonplace in Hollywood.

Sorry for the rant.

I hope you and your DS are feeling better soon. Be sure and get plenty of rest and plenty of fluids so that you are both feeling 100% for your trip to D.C.

Have a safe, fun, and relaxing trip!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you Tracey and Tracy! Where would I be without you two ladies????

DC was very fun. Although we all got pretty sick in the few days before we left. It started with dd, who had a cold then stomach flu, the rest of us just had the cold and cough. Flying with our plugged up sinuses was not fun! But we had a great time with dh's family. We ate way too much and way too often. We also spent way too much money eating that much. Dh's family frequent's nicer restaurants than we typically do. Our budget just got shot to heck, so now I am home, up in pounds and broke! Welcome home to me I guess. TOM also arrived our last day, so that just makes me feel even more bloated and miserable. I have done well on food today and drank a ton of water. My brother and his family are coming this weekend for a week. He and his wife are both on WW now, she's lost 25 pounds in six months and he has lost 10 pounds since he started month ago. So I am going to try to make healthy meals for all of our sake. But its still always hard to do well when you have out of town guests. I am really looking forward to their visit but also really looking forward to when that is over in sense and the kids go back to school. Its been a long, fun, food filled, summer.

I did only have drinks twice in DC, mostly stuck with ice tea and water. And dh and I split meals several times. But I know I gained around five pounds, plus TOM gain, so I am not planning on weighing for a few days!

Thanks for reading and sticking with my journal, I need to catch up with you.

 

[goldcupmom]

I feel your pain, Amy! The weight just keeps coming....

Glad you enjoyed DC, though! Hope mom is still doing OK.

Hope you have a GREAT weekend!

 

[toystoryduo]

Welcome Home Amy! We missed you around here. I'm glad to hear that you had a great time in D.C. Thanks for the hello when you were over Ohio!

Please, please, please do not worry about what you ate on vacation. You had a great time with lots of great memories to boot. Now that you are back home, you can get back into a routine with healthy eating and exercise....I know you CAN do it!

Have a great weekend and a great time with your brother and his family!

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi Amy,

I hope you are having a great week with your brother and his family.


Remember: You CAN do ANYTHING you put your mind to!

Have a great week!

 

[traceycooper]

Glad you had a good trip Amy Hope you are all on the mend now!!
broke & full up - as long as you enjoyed it
Have fun with your brother & family, life will get back on track soon enough, quality with family is precious.
Have a great week