Am I wrong?

[aprilgail2]

Doesn't anyone have neighbors that just pop over? Must we make an appt for everything? If it is parents, sisters etc and I know they are home I dont see the problem with popping in. I also don't mind being popped in on as long as no one is offended by my pjs or my house.

I agree! My neighbors pop over anytime day or evening, as do we at their house!

 

[MichelleVW]

It is rude. Both of my parents have 8 brothers and sisters and them and all of their kids live in this area. It drives me crazy when we're getting ready to leave (as we are very rarely ever just sitting around the house) and someone stops by unannounced and you spend 30 minutes politely saying "Well, we were just on our way out..." and them having to talk about "One more thing..." Next thing you know it's turned into an hour and your plans are changed just because someone doesn't think it's an inconvenience to just stop by. I don't mind seeing family but we have lots of activities and things we like to do. I would love to hang out and socialize but let's find a time we're both available.

Now, if I was on my out, I would continue on my way out and have them lock up when the left! I wouldn't change my plans because someone stopped by...

 

[terri01p]

What happened to the good old art of communication???? When my dd got married we set some ground rules because my way is not her ways.
Why not just say " we love you coming over but please call me first because even though you are family, a cylone comes though my house daily and it's not presentable for human eyes"...done and done.
This is what is wrong with so many families, they just don't talk, we grew up in a different age where people popped in all the time for company, no big deal, now people are busy and time is short so if you want a good relationship with them just be upfront.

 

[marlynnp]

Keep doing what you have been. If it's one of those inconvenient times and you're not inviting them in, tell them, "I wish we knew you were stopping by, unfortunately we were xxxxxxxxx, and can't invite you in right now."

 

[KandD]

OP here...thank you everyone for your replies. I guess it really is just one of those different folks different strokes sort of things.

Mini update: I brought it up again to my SO and he told me that he HAS told his mom that we would appreciate a call first but that she just keeps doing it anyway. I actually didn't know that he talked about it with her before.
But I do love his family and I do enjoy spending time with them, I guess it is just something I will have to get used to!!

 

[sunnyday123]

Can you just not answer the door? I know I've done that before-I hate people popping in, but with family I don't care so much if they see a messy house.

When they say the stood there and knock and knocked, just say, "WE were in the shower, guess we didn't hear you!" The embarrassment should get them to start calling. Maybe.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Actually, we had a similar situation w/ one of DH's friends when we were first married. In many cultures, it's completely normal and appropriate to drop by; including my DH's. One of his friends rang the doorbell and we were, um, busy DH answered the door, but his shirt was done up wrong and when I came out a minute later my hair was a mess.

After that, he always called first... and so did his other friends

 

[livie1205]

I was thinking the same thing. Believe it or not, the people who expect a call prior to someone arriving at their house, really DO love their families too. It's not about the amount of time spent with them...it's about respecting someone else's wishes. My father died 11 years ago at 83, when my kids were 10, 8 and 5. That doesn't change that I'd expect them to give me a call before visiting, altho I actually always visited them (they came to our parties, or when we'd invite them for dinner); they lived 25 miles away, weren't into driving, and were really homebodies. And my kids absolutely adore(d) their grandparents too, and it was always a treat to go to their house...they had a different kind of neighborhood where Grandma took them for walks, different toys, and treats. And yes, I let them know I was coming, for their convenience as well as my own.

My ILs live 12 miles away...dropped in once. We were busy, and did our thing. We're almost always busy, and even if we're not, sometimes we're just "busy" not doing anything.

My mother is now 86 and in an Assisted Living Facility. I visit her every day (unless it just won't work, for some reason...and then I call her to let her know I'm NOT coming). I ALWAYS knock on her door before entering her room. To me, it's evidence of the small amount of privacy, dignity and independence she has left.

The ONE person who drops in who I don't mind is one of DH's friends. He lives about 250 miles away, but his parents lived near us (and are now deceased, so he's around to clean out their house). He stopped by last night. I don't care what my house looks like to him, or what I look like, and neither does he.

I have an adult daughter who just finished her Junior year in college. I'm fine with her, and all my children when they're older, coming home and walking in, but it's not always convenient for me to stay and be around; sometimes I'd miss her visit and wish I had known beforehand and could rearrange my (or her) plans.

I did NOT say that if someone minded that they did not love their parents! I said I do not mind because I love them and they are welcome anytime...THATS HOW MY FAMILY WORKS...I do not care if others do not do it the same.I just said that I do not expect my friends and family to call first...if I am home I can spare a few minutes for them.If others do not like that it is fine, I do not live with them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP here...thank you everyone for your replies. I guess it really is just one of those different folks different strokes sort of things.

Mini update: I brought it up again to my SO and he told me that he HAS told his mom that we would appreciate a call first but that she just keeps doing it anyway. I actually didn't know that he talked about it with her before.
But I do love his family and I do enjoy spending time with them, I guess it is just something I will have to get used to!!

That is great attitude.
I just hope you don't begin to love them less because they do not seem to care enough to respect your feelings and your comfort zone.

 

[sunnyday123]

Then I would just be naked the next time they showed up.

 

[Pumbaa_]

I am so with you op! I am not comfortable with drop ins. Sorry, never have been, never will be, don't are who it is. My parents LOVE when people drop in. Could never have enough folks drop by

to each their own. We broke people of this by various methiods, mostly grabbing keys and heading out, sorry, have plans,didn't know you were coming

 

[MoniqueU]

Ok please don't take this the wrong way but it just seems a very reclusive lifestyle to me to have to have a screening process for when your family and friends come by.

I woke up this morning and have had 4 kids over here so far with only 1 invited. There were no scheduled playdates. I would of ended up with one of my friends over today too but she thinks her foot is broken. None of this was planned or I was notified of it before it happened.

I know some people have their boundries and these always seem to be the "busy" people. I am never quite sure what it is they are so busy with as I have 3 kids and sports going too but still manage a social life and don't have to schedule a sleepover a week in advance. Whatever cranks your tractor but NO in alot of homes it is NOT rude not to call befor popping in.

 

[livie1205]

Ok please don't take this the wrong way but it just seems a very reclusive lifestyle to me to have to have a screening process for when your family and friends come by.

I woke up this morning and have had 4 kids over here so far with only 1 invited. There were no scheduled playdates. I would of ended up with one of my friends over today too but she thinks her foot is broken. None of this was planned or I was notified of it before it happened.

I know some people have their boundries and these always seem to be the "busy" people. I am never quite sure what it is they are so busy with as I have 3 kids and sports going too but still manage a social life and don't have to schedule a sleepover a week in advance. Whatever cranks your tractor but NO in alot of homes it is NOT rude not to call befor popping in.

I think it it great when family or friends SURPRISE us! I am never to busy for my family....I would also never expect my parents to knock on the door...we are a very close family.My parents and my dh best friend (who is like a brother) both have keys also so if they need to come here for any reason they can get in.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ummmm 'reclusive'.... GOOD GRIEF!!!!

It is called personal boundaries.
It is called the basic sanctity of ones home.

It does NOT matter whether it is considered rude in somebody elses household.
What matters is if it is acceptable to you in YOUR home.

Meddling inlaws invading your space is a LOT different than the kid next door playing with your kid. NOT EVEN CLOSE... A very absurd analogy.

To think that one can expect/demand that 'just because that is what WE do, then YOU have to comply', is very VERY VERY rude.
To go throwing around tems like 'reclusive' is also very very rude.... And, completely unwarranted. IMHO that is a very judgemental accusation. The OP has not in any way said anything to show that she has issues with being a recluse. How completely absurd and rude. I feel that her personal boundaries, with maybe a heads-up phone call, are very reasonable.

So, yes OP, I do feel that it is YOUR home and you, like every other person, you have a right to some reasonable personal boundaries that should be respected by others.

If you are not comfortable with this, and you haven't openly said... "Hey, stop in any time". (And they certainly have never been caring or respectful enough to ask...) They apparently have not said.... "Hey, I hope you don't mind.. should we give you a call first...." Then, yes, no matter what other posters are saying, then it IS rude.

It is not whether each individual poster here is comfortable with their inlaws dropping in.... What matters is whether YOU are comfortable.... And, since it is obvious that you are not really comfortable with it... Then THAT puts your SO family on the wrong side of the equation.

It is ALWAYS rude to invade others space and to try to impose ones own expectations on others.

My advice... You and your SO should go over, and he (notice 'HE') should once again say, while you are both there... "You know, I think I mentioned this, but, we really need to ask you to give us a call...". I find it interesting that while you have had no knowledge that your SO has mentioned this to his parents, he says that he has... I know how men can sometimes be... especially around their parents... My guess if anything was said at all, it was some small insignificant sounding comment... And that the message was NOT relayed effectively. Sometimes second or third time is the charm.... If he refuses to understand and support your feelings, and to speak to his parents, then once again, that is an entirely different issue.

Then, immediately, proceed with the locked deadbolt, pulled front blinds, etc... IMHO, opened up front doors and windows are a 'welcome' sign... And closed up doors and windows convey a 'please do not disturb'...

Sometimes ones personal boundaries are worth protecting.
You, as everybody else, have a right to your own personal boundaries/comfort zone in YOUR OWN HOME.

Something tells me if your SO parents already have no problem imposing on you.... then this could be a HUGE issue in your future. Believe me, it could get worse.

This might be an issue that you want to go ahead and resolve sooner than later.

 

[Scurvy]

Ok please don't take this the wrong way but it just seems a very reclusive lifestyle to me to have to have a screening process for when your family and friends come by.

I woke up this morning and have had 4 kids over here so far with only 1 invited. There were no scheduled playdates. I would of ended up with one of my friends over today too but she thinks her foot is broken. None of this was planned or I was notified of it before it happened.

I know some people have their boundries and these always seem to be the "busy" people. I am never quite sure what it is they are so busy with as I have 3 kids and sports going too but still manage a social life and don't have to schedule a sleepover a week in advance. Whatever cranks your tractor but NO in alot of homes it is NOT rude not to call befor popping in.

I don't consider myself to be "reclusive", but I am one of those who doesn't like it when people just drop by. I also don't consider myself to be particularly busy, so that isn't why I want people to let me know before they stop by. There are several reasons I don't want anyone to just show up. When I am doing major cleaning, I sometimes stay in my pajamas until I'm done and can then shower and get ready for the rest of the day. I don't want anyone to stop by until after I've showered and feel up to receiving company. Or there are times when we've invited specific people over for dinner, and I don't want those who I didn't invite to stop by. Then there's the fact that our house frequently looks like a tornado swept through, and I'd like a heads up before someone comes over so that I can make the place look a little more presentable. Or maybe my family is in the middle of dinner, or in the middle of something else that we would prefer not to have interrupted. And of course we are often away from home, and a quick call would save someone a wasted trip to see us. There are lots of other reasons, too, and none of them mean that I'm a recluse or that I don't like the people who might stop by.

It's great if you like having people just drop in whenever - you are free to have an open door policy all the time. There are many of us who don't feel that way. Even if I say "Sure, come on over!" 9 times out of 10 when someone calls to say they'd like to come by, there's still that 1 time when I wouldn't. I want the option of saying "Now isn't a good time" without having to turn someone away at my front door. Plus, I like the warning of a call beforehand - there's almost always something I want to straighten up in that extra time the call gives me.

And as far as coming in without knocking. . . No, no no! Never should someone feel free to enter my home without knocking. I know if I ever decided to throw my clothes into the wash and run upstairs naked, that would be the time my in-laws decided to let themselves into the house and I'd run right past them, and then I could never look them in the eye again. Or my son would be at a friend's house and my husband and I would be . . . not able to come to the door. I don't want anyone in the house unless I know they are there and have let them in.

 

[PinkRhombus]

It doesn't matter how things have been done or are done in anyone's family...if this is what this family wants, that's what matters.

And it's up to them...either of them...to politely say "please call before you come over"

If they don't take the hint, THEN it is up to her boyfriend to tell his parents.

If he doesn't...good time to tell him to shape up or ship out. You want a man, not a wimp.

 

[rie'smom]

My family and that includes in-laws can drop by whenever. It doesn't bother me. Now I prefer a heads up from other people.
I think OP that your SO needs to inform his family that drop ins are not welcome.

 

[disneymarie]

My parents live in town, stop by all of the time, and just walk in - I'd never expect family to ring the doorbell. DH's parents live an hour away, but have stopped by without calling, if they happened to be in the area - I'm always very happy to see them, and would never think not to ask them in.

That is the way we grew up, and never thought it odd. Use to have the door unlocked all the time, just so out of towners could use the john, or grab a sandwhich....Only now with the breakins and such, I keep the doors locked. but they know where the key is or have one/

Life is so short, I am just happy people love me to drop by and not formal to me. When I go out of town to their area also, it is drop by. If they are not home we leave a note. If they are home we knock at the door and ask if they are busy.

My home never looks as theirs with all the children gone and househelp once a week...but who cares.
They love me, they come to see me, give me that big old hug and kisses.

heck some days I came home and the guy fixing an appliance was at the counter trying out what ever was for supper....and a take home container for his wife that dh had made up.


My grandparents always, as my parents an open door. When I was young I was treated the same.
But, we had huge families, extended families, now the cousins it is much more formal. The older the freer reign they have in my home lol....
THe trouble is, it is only about 8 Aunts or in laws left....So nice to see any of them in town.

Now, half the time, I know that Memorial day they will be in town, and if we have a trip planned they know in advance.
I know that is not normal, but the way we always were reared.....

Most days I would die if they just showed up, but I let them know, well push the laundry aside and chat as I do the dishwasher. etc. Then we have coffee or tea done by then. the chores put aside.

 

[C.Ann]

I would have never expected my parents to "call" before they came over - and I would never, ever stand there talking to them outside without inviting them in!!

I also never expected my DD and/or her DH to call before they stopped in..

My parents, children/spouses, and grandchildren are always welcome any time of the day or night..

Everyone else - I prefer they call first - and I've made that known to everyone so there are usually no "surprises"..

 

[Jennasis]

You could always tell them you were having "relations" when they drop in. It will creep them out, make them feel super awkward and likely discourage drop-ins in the future.