Am I wrong to feel this way?

[septbride2002]

Help! I can't decide if I am over reacting or if I am truly justified. Every year for Christmas Eve we would meet at my MIL's house at about 5pm for Christmas dinner and to open gifts. DH and I need to leave at 8:00 pm to go to my families gathering. About 2 years ago DH's grandmother on his father side re-entered their lives. She had been absent in it for 10 years because of a family fight and she refused to have anything to do with them. After they all started talking they also began making big demands. One of them being we were to attend their house on Christmas Eve. I have to work until 3pm on Christmas eve so there is no time to get to her house for us but we will see a few days after Christmas. My SIL has decided to go over there but then says that she can't make it to MIL's till 6pm. Easy for her to say because she has no where to go afterwards. I feel like she is shafting DH and I who have spent every Christmas this way for the 8 years we have been together for this old lady who for 10 years cared less where they were. Not to mention that my DH wants nothing to do with her because she is a mean and spiteful woman and as soon as DH and I do something she doesn't like she will quit talking to us anyway.

So anyway, I feel like my SIL is putting Grandma in front of DH and I who are really her closest family. I've tried explaining how I feel but SIL doesn't understand why we can't leave later for my families Christmas. Why should I have to sacarfice my family when I am not the one changing the plans?

Am I wrong?

~Amanda

 

[pnelson]

I feel it is her choice. Also, you said you get to your MIL's house at 5 pm, she will be there at 6 pm-It's only an hours difference. Relax, and try and enjoy the holidays. I think the worst thing people do to each other this time of year is the "You should/shouldn't/must/" to their relatives. If she wants to spend it at her grandmother's, then so be it.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Stick with your plans and she can do what she wants. You can't control her so there is no need to waste energy stressing over it. Just have a good time.

 

[believe]

I feel that if plans were changed and you can't make it then they need to deal with that. Go when you can.

 

[PamOKW]

I'm not sure I'm following the whole story. Is this right -- Your husband's grandmother has reconciled with the family after 10 years. She has asked/demanded her grandchildren come visit during the afternoon of Christmas Eve. Your husband has said no but his sister said yes. You will then all meet for dinner at your MIL (their mother's) house. You would like to eat at 5:00 because you want to leave that event and go to your own family. His sister says she won't arrive until 6:00 and plans to spend the evening at her parent's.

I agree with the others that the difference between 5:00 and 6:00 isn't that great to stress over. The difference in opinon as to how the grandmother should be treated should be just that. I don't think the sister is "choosing" she's just trying to have a relationship with her grandmother. It may not work out but she should have the chance to find that out for herself.

Your MIL, of course, is now caught between her daughter and her son. Any chance of having a buffet so that everyone can come and go at will?

 

[septbride2002]

Your MIL, of course, is now caught between her daughter and her son. Any chance of having a buffet so that everyone can come and go at will?

Oh no my MIL would never go for a buffett - or even just finger foods. Everything is formal and sitdown. Augh.

To further explain I guess I am tired of looking like the bad guy. In the in-laws eyes SIL does no wrong so for her to come later is no big deal. The fact the we have to leave is a VERY big deal because now SIL won't be there until 6pm and "WE" aren't spending enough time with the family. Again let me point out that DH and I are not changing a thing just SIL. Secondly SIL is always late so when she says 6pm she really means 6:20pm.

She has asked/demanded her grandchildren come visit during the afternoon of Christmas Eve. Your husband has said no but his sister said yes. You will then all meet for dinner at your MIL (their mother's) house. You would like to eat at 5:00 because you want to leave that event and go to your own family. His sister says she won't arrive until 6:00 and plans to spend the evening at her parent's.

Actually Grandma wants us there from 6pm till midnight but we all had to say no to that. We are constantly getting guilt trips from SIL about not going but then DH wouldn't get to MIL's house till 6pm with them and then only spend 2 hours with his Mom. That isn't fair to his Mom who again isn't changing anything. I have to work and there is not enough time for me to get off work and drive to grandma's house.

I just feel like SIL is asking me to yet again give up time with my family so that she can make grandma happy. Why not just say no and leave our plans alone. In the end we will end up looking like the bad guys because we are the ones that need to leave by a certain time and SIL can stay at MIL's till midnight if she wants to.

 

[C.Ann]

Just do whatever you need to do - excusing yourselves politely when the time comes that you need to leave - and be done with it..

If you "always" look like the bad guys, then this year won't be any different anyhow..

You need (and have the right) to spend your Christmas Eve wherever you want - in whatever time increments you want..

 

[noel]

I can relate somewhat. DH and I seldom argue, but when it comes to figuring out how to divide our time over Christmas it used to cause major fights between us.

His family would take turns having Christmas eve & Christmas day at different houses. For as long as I've been alive my Mom has had Christmas Day at her house, and that's where I want to be on Christmas day, but made sacrifices and split our time fairly between two families on on both days.

It never used to bother him that his Mom (who I really do love dearly) would plan her dinner around his cousins, aunts, uncles and sister and TELL us when to show up.

Finally 2 years ago he decided he was tired of getting little or no consideration from his Mom and told her from now on we'd spend Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas day with my family -end of story. So if she wanted us to have a meal she was cooking she needed to have Christmas Eve at her house.
This year CHristmas Eve is at her house for the second year in a row.

I really wish we had a place large enough to invite both sides of our family but right now we live in a lower flat bungalow, which is way too small. And there's cat allergies on both sides of the family, so some people couldn't come at all since we've got two furry babies! Wait a minute....maybe that wouldn't be so bad afterall.

So I do feel your pain even though your situation is a little different. Do what YOU and DH will enjoy the most. IF it means spending only 1 or 2 hours w/Grandma then so be it. You can't be in two places at once!

I hope you still have a wonderful holiday.