Am I really supposed to feel sorry for my friend? (long vent)

[DocRafiki]

Ok I just have to vent.

My friend learned 2 weeks ago that she's losing her job. Today is her last day. She already has another one set up at a lower pay rate. She keeps telling me how worried and depressed she is because she can't afford to live on this new salary (it's temporary until they will have a higher position available in 2 months).

So, I've been out of work for 6 months now (I started working sporadic temp days a few months ago), have accumulated several thousand in credit card debt, am nearing the max on my cards, have a car that's about to die any day now, etc etc.

Of course, I had saved up for "a rainy day" while she was buying a new car, going to concerts constantly, and living in an expensive apartment. (My "saving up" consisted of tax returns and transferring money from credit cards to my bank acct at a low interest rate, while paying off debt that I accumulated during school). And she even admitted that a relative gave her some money to help out (I knew they would because her parents are constantly giving her money and paying off her debts). She also says she has contacts that can get her temp jobs. So, what is the big problem? She won't get to spend her monthly $300 budgeted for clothes? (possibly an exaggeration, but she does spend a lot)

Now, while my fear of homelessness isn't even near the point where I'm going out to get a waitressing or retail job, I'd say I'm miles closer to that than she is. When I ask if she has any available credit on cards to tide her over, she says she can't do that because of high fees. OK, I'm way past the high fee stage.

I know I've been a slacker as far as finding a job and could have settled for a less-than-perfect job MONTHS ago, but I'm not giving my sob story to all my friends twice a day and acting like I'm the most unfortunate person in the world.

Or am I?

On top of this, my cousin just moved down to Orlando yesterday with his car and $200 to his name with no job prospects. He's going to be staying in his brother's hotel room until they can both get settled in (brother just got a job but before that was in pretty much the same boat). Even though I'm in massive debt, I'm going to be paying for his extra hotel bed (extended stay situation) and loaning money for gas, cell phone, etc. Now THIS is someone I'm worrying about.

OK so I just IM'ed her and told her all this, and she's not responding. I just had enough. I'm the evil witch yet again. Flame away.

 

[robinb]

IMO, you are not an evil *itch. But ... you do seem to be a bit jealous of her situation and that she has been able to land on her feet. Just because she is not in as dire straights as you are does not mean that she doesn't worry about her finances or how she's going to get by. I know it's hard to hear people who are better off than you whine about their situation. For example: "Money is tight! My DH only got a $50,000 bonus and we can't afford to stay at the Grand Floridian Concierge so we have to settle for the Polynesian Concierge!" makes me want to whip out the World's Smallest Violin .

At least your friend is doing something, which is more than I can say for your cousin. It was his choice to move to an expensive city with no money and no job. Although you worry about him, I think you're doing him and yourself a disservice by giving him money that you cannot spare.

And on to your last point. Should you take a less-than-perfect job? I guess that I would before I ran up my credit cards, but that's just me. I would rather work at a crappy job than dig myself into a giant hole. BTW, I'm not saying that you should work at McDonald's . I wish you luck in finding something that is less temporary and fits your needs soon. Being unemployed can be a real drag.

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

maybe I am wrong to say any of this but if she really was your friend she would see that you are/have been having rough times and that you two could make the best of it by helping each other. I know that I am having rough times and so is my best friend but we always manage to find things to do together to keep us from going out of our minds, in doesn't take it away it just makes it a little more bearable.
On the other hand maybe you really don't see how deep she really is, just a twist on things!!

Hope everything gets better for both of you!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would just let her comments go in one ear and out the other OR when she starts complaining I suppose you could spill your guts too. If you did to her what she does to you she would probably run away FAST.
Doc I know that you are going to land on your feet eventually.
She knows you are doing bad too so it is probably a misery loves company kind of thing.

Anyway...been there, done that...wish I wouldn't have charged and worked ANYWHERE but done that (charged to the max).

BTW Why are you paying to support a cousin? Now that I wouldn't do.

 

[DocRafiki]

Jealous of her? Well she manages a box office and I'm a vet, so no. She does make much less than I (at my previous job), but appears to be better off since she spends a lot of money on things like clothes, cars, & rent while I'm very cheap in those areas and have been putting all my money towards debt reduction (my splurges are an annual pass to WDW and going out to eat with friends every once in a while... although that pretty much ceased a while back).

I guess I should have mentioned that I do have a new permanent job that I haven't started full-time yet (sorry, I have talked about it a lot on the CB but forgot that wasn't evident). I would definitely not feel comfortable lending money to my cousin otherwise. I don't think he will need much anyway. He's planning on getting a low-paying job in the meantime while he looks for a professional job. So he might wind up being OK on his own.

About the cousin... I have been the one prodding him to get him to move down. He is stuck up in Mississippi, which is where I was for 9 months before I found my first vet job down here. That area is hopeless as far as jobs are concerned, and just being there can suck the life out of a person. There are many more job opportunities down here, but he has been running into the problem that employers are only wanting to talk to people who already live in FL. I also am hoping to be able to share a house with him in order to cut down on living costs for both of us (my new job is in Orlando, as is his brother's). So, his brother and I are really responsible for getting him to come down here. It will be so much better for him in the long run.

As for taking a lesser job... My last job was hell. I was completely miserable for 13 months. I was rushed into making a decision on that one and didn't want to do that again. My new job is very promising as far as a MUCH more positive work environment, as well as a huge pay increase. It won't take long before I am up to the point where I would have been (financially) if I would have kept the job or gotten a similarly-paying job. Then I will quickly surpass it. So, I'm happy with the way it has turned out so far (as long as everything goes well with the new job, but I have a few references who vouch for it).

But, aside from finances, I was much more concerned with my mental health. I have major depression and an anxiety disorder, and I was on the verge of losing it at my last job (well I guess you could say I DID lose it, but it could be much worse). It wouldn't do me any good if I wound up in a mental hospital because I took another miserable job. So I needed the time off anyway. That's also a part of why I want to help get my cousin out of his situation.

Besides, I don't fear debt. I owe $100K from student loans, so an extra $5K doesn't even make a dent. But like I said, that could be taken care of within 6 months at the new job.

I hope I'm not sounding like I don't want to hear anyone's disagreeing opinions, because I do. And I hope I don't sound too defensive; I just want to clarify what's going on.

Oh, and the thought of getting help from my friends hasn't even crossed my mind. I'm sure I would ask for it if I were about to get evicted, but not before that. It's important to me that I be self-sufficient. And I'm pretty sure she's not looking for help from me. She just wants pity, and I just see it as a tantrum from a little spoiled girl who has never had to really struggle with finances.

OK now I'm feeling like a sloth for being online too long. I (and you guys) have inspired me to go take care of some stuff for my job.

 

[aahmom1]

Now, while my fear of homelessness isn't even near the point where I'm going out to get a waitressing or retail job,

I gotta tell you this really made me laugh out loud. There is no way I would go into debt up to my eyebrows if there were ANY way to prevent it. I can't decide if that's the funniest thing I've read this week or the saddest.

 

[RUDisney]

Have you considered that maybe your friend is jealous of YOU? She knows that you have potential to pick yourself up and brush yourself off that is far greater than hers. Since I'm not sure what her educational credentials are, I'll assume that she at least has a college degree so avenues are open to her outside of the box office.

My SIL is a very jealous person. She is handed everything she wants yet has a low paying job that was given to her because her uncle set it up for her. She drives a volvo that was a gift from uncle and has another in the driveway and a spare car on top of that one. Her DH has his own car.

If she was to lose her job, it would be the end of the world for her... even though the gifts would keep coming and she'd never lose her clothing allowance, etc. She (and her mother) display munchausen's tendencies. When something bad happens, they wallow in it for the attention. Could that be your friend's problem, too? She's looking for attention by fretting over her financial situation.

Glad to hear that your world is headed in the right direction. One of my employees and his wife just paid off their "second mortgage" (her med school loans.) He did a happy dance in front of my desk on that day. I'm sure you'll be as happy when your day comes that you can rip up your last school loan, too.

 

[Steve H.]

Now, while my fear of homelessness isn't even near the point where I'm going out to get a waitressing or retail job, I'd say I'm miles closer to that than she is. When I ask if she has any available credit on cards to tide her over, she says she can't do that because of high fees. OK, I'm way past the high fee stage.

I know I've been a slacker as far as finding a job and could have settled for a less-than-perfect job MONTHS ago, but I'm not giving my sob story to all my friends twice a day and acting like I'm the most unfortunate person in the world.

You're single, aren't you? Because the primary thing I think about when talk of layoffs come around is how to support my family without going into major amounts of debt. If it took landing a temp job, waiter job, or retail job to do such a thing, I'd do it in a heartbeat until I found a full-time job.

I think you just insulted a whole lot of people who support families on "waitressing or retail" jobs.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

I agree with Steve. Your attitude is very insulting, Doc.

 

[Boots]

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

 

[SonjaB]

Hhhmmmmmm......I worked in retail for awhile......I would do so again if it put food on my family's table.

 

[aahmom1]

Hhhmmmmmm......I worked in retail for awhile......I would do so again if it put food on my family's table.

I was a waitress for a long time, I would do it again in a heartbeat. You do what you gotta do, there's a saying "The world needs ditch diggers too". Not everybody can be the CEO of a company.

 

[DocRafiki]

Well I guess that is the big difference... you fear debt, and I don't. Like I said, the extra debt doesn't make a big difference in the grand scheme of things. So I'll be paying it off for 31 years rather than 30... woo. Of course I would do that if things got really bad. But, if you knew the numbers and did the math, you'd see that it's a better use of my time to spend 6 days looking for a one-day vet job than it is to work minimum wage for a full 7 days. But another major factor is the whole training phase that comes along with a new job and all the stress that comes along with it. Like I said, I needed the mental healing time, plus I would have never found these temp jobs or this permanent job if I were busy with another job. Then there is the fact that The Lion King pointed out when I was considering a temp job with Cirque du Soleil... it would look bad on my resume' to take a "fun job" in the interim.

And FYI, the most money I ever made before becoming a vet was $5.60 an hour. I also determined that studying was a better investment than working at that rate, so the work I did during vet school was more for my mental well-being.

Yes, aahmom, it's very sad, but for whom? the person who can quickly pay off that debt once she gets a job, or the one who couldn't? the one who thinks that $5K of debt is "up to her eyebrows?" And if you're thinking of making me your new honeywolf, you can stick it.

Thanks for the opinions. I'm sure she's not jealous of me. She has no interest in what I do, and there's really nothing to be jealous of. (She has a BA in theatre and MA in fine arts management). Maybe it IS just a 'misery loves company' thing. But, I still don't think that someone who lost their job today (and already has a new one lined up) should be complaining to someone who's been out of work for 6 months. I think a lot of my frustration also comes from her spending habits. Spend, spend, spend, spend, spend, and then whine because you don't have any money saved up in case this happens? I don't live beyond my means; I prepare for emergencies; I guess I just expect the same sensibility from everyone.

 

[caitycaity]

"Well I guess that is the big difference... you fear debt, and I don't. Like I said, the extra debt doesn't make a big difference in the grand scheme of things. So I'll be paying it off for 31 years rather than 30... woo. "

imho, there is a big difference between consumer debt and debt from school.

as you said though, your life -- you should live it the way you want to. i'd say the same to your friend if i were you and move on.

 

[Cindy B]

I waitressed right after I had my daughter... it was not a $5.60 hour job, more like $12-15 hour. It paid for many things.

Like I said before, there were tons of opportunities at Penn. they even have radio/print ads for employment in the vetranary field. I would have personally jumped at the chance to work at an Ivy League school, and gotten whatever education I would have liked to desire at no cost! I know I sent you the link quite a few times... a bone was thrown when you were saying "I don't have a job", not even a no thanks, or a I don't want to relocate or anything.

5, 000 may not seem much to you, but for most that is a LOT. The 5K will be compounded, and depending on how long it actually does take to pay off, could be closer to 7 or 8 K.

My part time job now, pays vacation, 401 K and free schooling for me and others. It is helping us pay for our closing costs for our new home, and four trips to Disney World.

My Dh has said he would do anything to help put food on the table.. Mc Donald's, being a waiter, or retail in not beneath either one of us.

 

[Steve H.]

Originally posted by DocRafiki
And if you're thinking of making me your new honeywolf, you can stick it.

Huh??

 

[SonjaB]

I understand where you're coming from, Doc. I was once only responsible for myself and would've taken debt more lightly then as well. You worry a lot more about everything when there are kids involved. I'm glad you've found employment that lets you pay it off quickly.

 

[aahmom1]

Yes, aahmom, it's very sad, but for whom? the person who can quickly pay off that debt once she gets a job, or the one who couldn't? the one who thinks that $5K of debt is "up to her eyebrows?" And if you're thinking of making me your new honeywolf, you can stick it.

Maybe you shouldn't be so worried about what your friends spends and worry more about yourself. Seeing as how she doesn't want to go into debt up to her eyebrows she obviously has somewhat of a brain in her head.

You really shouldn't insult an entire group of our society because you think you belong on some pedestal because you won't take a job in waitressing or retail. How offensive can you be? Who do you think works in the restaurants and stores you build your debt in? The fact that you think you are better than them because you sat home for months without a job MAKES ME LAUGH!

Do a little growing up, it'll do you good.

 

[SilverLily]

DocRafiki, aren't you the poster on the DB that thought SAHM's were lazy if they didn't go to work the minute their kids were in school?

I am ROTFL! Seems like you are much more lazy than a SAHM...out of work for 6 months with debt piling up, and you wouldn't get a waitressing job? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Well we all have to live our lives as we see fit.

But I for one cannot understand
"I'm way past caring about high credit card fees, but I'm nowhere near the point of waitressing or a retail job."

If I was single and had no children, I would be working 18 hours a day 6 days a week at whatever I could do to earn money.

I don't consider $5k to be up to your eyebrows, but at $100k in debt you'd better know how to swim really well. I waitressed in college and it was hard work that paid very well. I did a good deal of my studying at 2:00am, not much sleep.

I'm glad your starting work again soon DocRafiki. Best of luck to you.