Am I being unreasonable?

[hezreck]

We have a trip booked for Nov.29- Dec.6. Our DD8 birthday is Dec.1. It's just me, my DH and DD. Now let me back up and tell you my problem.

My DH had back surgery in Jan. (ruptured disc) Usually he's really good and his back doesn't bother him too much, but twice since the surgery his back has gone into spasms and it's takes a couple days off work until he's back up and around. Well, anyway, the trip is booked with dining plan and paid off.
My DH knows that there are penalties for cancelling a trip after 45 days prior and all that. Our DD is really looking forward to spending her birthday at Disney. I told my DH that if his back acted up and he couldn't go on the trip that I still wanted to go with our DD. He thought I was terrible, and shouldn't want to go without him. And basically told me, No way were we going without him and it was awful that I would even suggest it.

I know how much my DD would be upset if we couldn't go, and I would be upset too! My DH likes Disney, but the reason we are going is because my DD and I want to go. I really wanted to go this year too, because I don't want to take my DD out of school once she's in 4th grade. They miss too much then.

So back to my question. Am I being unreasonable to want to go with our DD? I'm not trying to exclude my DH, but I told him if I was sick and couldn't go I would want him to take her without me. Sure I'd be sad I wasn't there, but I don't want to make our DD miss out on this trip. And who knows, maybe his back will be fine and this won't be an issue, but I would like to have a plan just incase. Thanks for the replies.

 

[Samar]

You both have a valid point. I think your DH may be saying that he doesn't want you to go without him because he'd miss his DD's b-day for one and secondly, he'd miss the family vacation to Disney.

I personally think you should go because like you said, if the shoe were on the other foot, you'd want your DH to take her to enjoy even if you weren't capable of going yourself.

Would your DH object to a doc. note to having a wheelchair in the parks? He may not like it but he could at least be with you and rest in between rides and things.

I hope you guys come to a decision you both agree on and that your DD has a very happy b-day regardless of where she may be at the time

 

[djett626]

For me, I don't think it is horrible at all to want to go anyways. I wouldn't want to disappoint my DS. We also had plans together to go in May. My husband and I work together and our manager quit. So, my DH, though sad did not get upset at all that I am taking DS (age3) without him. I made it a ladies and kids trip with my mom and my aunt and my son's cousins. I'm excited about going. It isn't the family trip that I had planned on, (My DH loved watching DS when we went last year. I thought it was valuable time) but here's hoping for next year!

I think your husband should try to think of it if he were your DD.

Good luck with the debates.

 

[hollyb]

You both have good points. I honestly would not go without DH. We vacation as a family. On the other hand if your comfortable going alone then go. DH could always hang out at the hotel if his back hurts.

I am sorry your going through this. December is a ways off yet. Things could improve good luck!

 

[littleteapot]

I guess I "kind of" understand where he is coming from.

That being said, my DH would tell DD and I to go and have the girliest fun time ever. I would never hesitate to sent him alone either if I became ill, we only get one childhood with our children, I don't want them to miss out on Disney at this fun age. When my RA acts up, DH does everything he can to keep the kid's life as normal and also as fun as possible. I don't need the guilt along with the pain KWIM.

Neither of us would want to go with all four kids on our own, but if I only had one, I'd go in a heartbeat. In fact, DD and I took a week long vacation to see my best friend last fall. DH encouraged us to go and have as much fun as possible.

Is it horrible to say that I think your DH is the selfish one here? I think he should want you and DD to have a great time, not stay home and watch him hurt. If he is in bad shape, a DW vacation is just the thing to bring up your DD's spirits. Believe me, I understand chronic pain, it is really important to remember that your pain should not control your entire family. Losing a DW vacation would be a huge blow to a 9 year old, his problems could be chronic and dd shouldn't have to lose out if it isn't absolutley necessary.

 

[gris gris]

My DH had back surgery in Jan. (ruptured disc) Usually he's really good and his back doesn't bother him too much, but twice since the surgery his back has gone into spasms and it's takes a couple days off work until he's back up and around.

What entails getting "back up and around". Is he completely immobilized for 2 days? Is the plane ride going to bother him? He's had 2 spasms or flareups since the surgery. It's possible he could stay home the entire week and not have one single problem. That would make me feel bad about making him stay home.

I think he should go with you and if his back acts up, he can go back to the hotel. I'm on your DH's side. A family vacation isn't a family vacation without the family

 

[Mom to 2]

Honestly, I'd drag my husband along bad back or not (he drives the whole 30 hours)! If it gets bad one day, load up with Tylenol and go, I would never cancel.

Lory

 

[MELSMICE]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

While it would be terrible if he had to stay home, what if his back acted up a week before the trip. The trip is paid for so why shouldn't you go with your DD. Of course, it would be the same without him, but you could always plan another trip with him later on.

Also, what if you cancel now & his back doesn't flare up. That would be awful for your DD.

Unfortunately, nothing in life is for sure. I would plan the trip as planned, with all 3 of you going. Chances are, you'll all be together. Also, they have wheelchairs for rental in all the parks & he could always go back to the room or the pool to relax while you are off with DD.

I'll probably get flamed for this, but your DD shouldn't miss out on something she's been looking forward to because her daddy has a bad back. Daddy should be more mature about it.

 

[Hedy]

I know I'm in the minority here, but speaking as one who has been in DD's position, although at an older age, I'd go with everyone staying home. I've had two vacations cancelled (once when we were going to HI when I was 13 and once when we were going to Bermuda when I was 19) owing to family illness, and honestly, I think that keeping family cohesiveness is more important than going to Disney. WDW will be there in a year or so, even if you have to go during vacation time and brave the crowds.
"Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten"~Lilo.

 

[hezreck]

OP here. Just to clarify. When he has back spasms, he is in bed for 2 days. He can't sit and can barely walk. Just enough to get to bathroom. So if it happens there is no way he can fly or even sit in a wheelchair at the park. If it happens when we are in Disney he would be in bed in the hotel for 2 days. That would suck.

 

[DisFlan]

Wow, I guess I'm in the minority, too. My first thought was what Hedy mentioned - "Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten". Your DH is as much family as your DD, isn't he? Sounds like he's already had a rough time of it. And aren't you at all worried about the message leaving your DH behind might be sending to your DD about the meaning of family? If it was me, I'd move the trip back until your DH is sure he can go in comfort. You never know, by December, he may be much improved.

Just my 2 cents. Please do what you think is best for you and your family.


DisFlan

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I know I'm in the minority here, but speaking as one who has been in DD's position, although at an older age, I'd go with everyone staying home. I've had two vacations cancelled (once when we were going to HI when I was 13 and once when we were going to Bermuda when I was 19) owing to family illness, and honestly, I think that keeping family cohesiveness is more important than going to Disney. WDW will be there in a year or so, even if you have to go during vacation time and brave the crowds.
"Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten"~Lilo.

Well said!!!!!!

I say reschedule the trip when your husband is able to go.

 

[HappyLawyer]

i think you have a valid point, tell hubby he can go and he can relax in the room if e wants, maybe he can get a wheelchair and go with you all to the parks if he wants to be there. Any parent with a child that is looking forward to something does not want to disappoint them. I do not see anything wrong with not wanting to change your plans. It would be different if is was more serious like a funeral, hospitalization etc... but if something were wrong with me and the trip was paid for and my husband would take my dtr i would let him. Call it parental sacrifice, my sister had surgery last week and cannot move yet. my nieces birthday party was sunday 4/2 at chuckie cheese, at first she thought about canceling because she wanted to be there but she then remembered how much my neice was looking forward to her party and her husband would be there with the girls, she knew they would be well taken care of and this is not the last party she will ever attent. There will be other parties to attend, hence other family vacations to take together, so go have fun and enjoy.

 

[Schmeck]

Just a quick point - you don't need a doctor's note to rent a wheelchair at the parks ar WDW. And they have complimentary ones (first come, first served) at the onsite resorts.

 

[Mom to Jordan]

Who will care for him while you all are gone? I known that it would break my DH's heart if we left him home. He loves WDW too. I would eat the lost and reschedual the trip.

 

[mom2minniemouse]

I've been in your DH's place actually...

Two years ago, I took a spill down the stairs and ended up herniating a disk. This disk ended up pressing upon the nerve that went to most of my left leg. I had numbness in part of my leg and severe pain in the rest of it. I had to wait for months to go through the steps leading up to my surgery, and I had a very hard time walking whatsoever.

We also had a Disney vacation booked, and it was to be my DD's (then 5) first trip w/DH and me to WDW. I swore to myself that heck or high water, I'd make it there (w/my doctor's okay and plenty of pain meds, of course... LOL!). And I did! Granted, at some times, both DH and my best friend had to pull me along when I just couldn't make it a step further. However, we did anything and everything we wanted to do there, and we all had a wonderful vacation together. Maybe it was slow walking at times, and maybe I slowed people down a bit, but we made it!

What am I trying to say? LOL! I'm not hinting that DH should suck it up and limp around the World in pain like I did. LOL! I'm also not saying that you shouldn't go if he can't due to his back.

What I AM saying is that it's important for a family unit to care about each other's feelings. Sometimes, that means giving up plans when someone is sick or hurt. Sure, your DD might be disappointed, but chances are she's old enough to realize how much it would hurt her feelings if her parents went w/out HER, kwim? Had my DH even suggested going without me, I would have been very upset.

Anyway... This is a bit of much ado about "what if," isn't it? There's also the possibility that his back will be fine for the majority of his stay.

 

[mjmcca]

Who will care for him while you all are gone? I known that it would break my DH's heart if we left him home. He loves WDW too. I would eat the lost and reschedual the trip.

My hubby hates Disney and almost never gfoes with us but I dont know if I would go off and leave him when he was sick. I think that Disney will waive a cancellation fee if someone in the party is ill. If you had to cancel at the last minute it wouldnt hurt to ask.

 

[PrincessNED]

First I think you have little to worry about - plenty of time for your hubby to get his post op recovery exercise/physio and to be strong before the trip.

Even if there were an "episode" around your trip there are always meds.

Think how much fun the rides would be on painkillers and muscle relaxants .

I've yet to be in your hubby's position but as a father I'd walk over broken glass barefoot if I had to in order to make my Princess' dream trip come true.
Even if it meant I was in an old folks scooter cause I couldn't walk. ( no offense to the old folks out there)

 

[HappyLawyer]

Who will care for him while you all are gone? I known that it would break my DH's heart if we left him home. He loves WDW too. I would eat the lost and reschedual the trip.

he can care for himself, he is a grown man, he is not paralyzed. The issue is there is a lot of walking to do around the parks. Why should the child be put off because of a mishap. People may think kids do not care or they understand and are okay with it, but the anticipation of a child is not easy to get over when you break the childs heart.

 

[PrincessNED]

Well Said Happylawyer .

To use a sports analogy ( cause us guys understand those).

When it really matters you have to suck it up and play hurt for the team.