Am I being selfish?

[disfan07]

ETA: I'm not going to actually edit the OP because I'm not ashamed or anything about what I posted (and its quoted anyway..lol). But I posted this later in the thread but I know that a lot of people only read the OP. I appreciate the feedback. I re-read my OP and it does sound very abrupt and like I was overreacting which I know I probably was to an extent. It was just something that I really needed to vent about. This just all came to the surface very very quickly and I needed to get it out in someway that was NOT a screaming match with my mom about this.

I know that graduation and a wedding are not on the same level of importance but with what I have been through to get this far, it is important to ME. So to ME it is more important than the wedding but thats for me.

My grandparents. I know that they probably wont be there but my grandpa and I are very very close and I would trade every other family memeber that does live out here for him to be here for my graduation. In my mind, I KNOW that it probably wont happen, but that doesnt stop me from WANTING it to happen.

Oh, and I would NEVER ask for it to be moved. Especially NOT a month later like I had said in another post. That was just what I wish would happen. But I would never actually ask them that...that would be crazy. I was just stating what I wish would happen.

It will all work out. I will be graduating no matter what and I will go an enjoy my brothers wedding. Will it necessarily end up the way I would like it...probably not...but it will work out someway.



I'm curious to see if people think I am being selfish. I really do want to try and see this from the other side.


My brother is engaged but they are not getting married for a couple of years. Well, apparently the 2 weekends that they are looking at are my graduation weekend and the weekend after. I am extremely pissed and flat out told my parents that under no circumstance am I missing my own graduation so if they choose that weekend, I will not be there. They were not happy with this. Personally, I dont understand WHY those are the only 2 weekends they are talking about. I'm pissed at the idea of it being the weekend after as well.

I feel like my graduation is being pushed aside because my brother is getting married. The biggest thing for me is that my gradnparents will not be able to come out here for my graduation if the wedding is the week after. It is cross country and too much travelling for them.

My older cousins college graduation was a big deal and my grandparents went.
My brothers graduation was a big deal last year and my grandparents were there for that.

Now it will be my turn to graduate and I feel like I am getting shafted and being completely ignored because of the wedding. I know that since we will have to fly across the country for the wedding, my parents will be at my graduation and than leaving like 2 days later so I know that their focus will be on the wedding.

I understand that his wedding is a big deal. I really do. ANd I am definitley looking foward to the wedding. but what I dont understand and what no one seems to want to answer is WHY it has to be at the same time as my graduation.

I WANT my parents at my graduation and NOT thinking about the wedding
I WANT my grandparents to be at my graduation just like they were for my brother and cousin
I WANT my graduation to be mine....not just the weekend before my brothers wedding

Basically, after the conversation (or really...argument) I had with my mom last weekend, I feel like she considers my brothers wedding to be such a big deal but my graduation is just another day.

Maybe it's selfish, i dont know. But is it wrong for me to be upset and for me to want my gaduation to be about me and NOT to be about my brothers wedding the next weekend????

 

[npmommie]

I don't think you are being selfish at all.
College graduation is a milestone you should be proud of and want your family there focusing on you

does your brother realize the weekend is the same?

 

[bumbershoot]

Is this high school or college? I can tell you that my HS graduation felt like a big deal, but I don't even remember it. And I didn't even walk at my college graduation; was rowing in Regionals 2 states away instead...that's how UNimportant it was by then.


I understand that you're frustrated, but try to not worry about it too much right now. It's 2 years away. Anything could happen.

"I WANT my parents at my graduation and NOT thinking about the wedding."


I would just give that up right now. Part of being in a family with at least one sibling is that your parents minds are ALWAYS going to be scattered. IF we only have the one child as we do now, he will get lots and lots and LOTS of focused attention. But if we have another, there goes that focus. He'll get a lot of GOOD things for being one of a sibling unit, but the focused attention is not part of that.

Adding in...I'm the oldest of 5 total. Even though my dad has known me the longest, I'm often the lowest on the totem pole of his mind. I get called all of my siblings' names, even his wife's name, heck, he's even said the dog's name before mine! That's how scattered parents can get LOL...

I'm sure that your parents minds were on other things than just graduations, when it was time for those graduations...

Assuming this is college, heck, even YOU might have your mind on a wedding! My brother met his beloved in college (his sophomore, her junior year), and in the SAME month he was commissioned into the Air Force, was graduated, and then married! Same month! Talk about having things on your mind.


So don't worry about it right now. Just make sure your brother (and his fiancee!!!! make SURE you TELL her, don't assume he has) knows when your graduation is, and let it go.

 

[disfan07]

does your brother realize the weekend is the same?

I dont know. I am hoping my mom told him. I will find out this weekend because we WILL be discussing this again. I fshe didnt tell him, I will be calling him this weekend to tell him.

But I mean, even the week after annoys me. I would like at least a month in between MAINLY so that my grandparents can come out here for it.

My grandparents are both in their 80s. My grandpa escpecially is having more health problems, etc. I mean he is 86. I just dont have huge confidence in him being around for MY wedding so I would like him to be at my graduation. I dont think it's fair for them to be at both my brothers graduation and wedding but not be at mine. I know life isnt fair but I think this is just wrong.

 

[Disneylover79]

I would feel the same way...I don't think you are being selfish at all....

 

[NotUrsula]

There could be a whole raft of reasons why it has to be at that time of year, including someone else's academic calendar or work schedule. It could also be the only workable time that their church is not booked solid. That they must schedule at that time of year is probably just unfortunate coincidence, and if you were not graduating there wouldn't be any problem with that season, would there?

However, it would seem rather thoughtless to schedule it on the same weekend as your graduation if there is another choice available, seeing as how it is fairly obvious that at least some members of the family will want to attend your graduation, which you can hardly change. The thing about your grandparents is a bit unfortunate, but I don't think that that is nearly as compelling. (Have you checked with your school re: how many passes you will be receiving for Commencement? It is possible that you might not be getting enough tickets for them in any case, which would eliminate that part of the problem.)

Now, having said all that, what size school do you attend? Is this your undergraduate commencement? If so, I really wouldn't get worked up about having people attend; most of the time there is NO individual recognition of Bachelor's recipients, those degrees are usually "conferred in place", which means that everyone in a given department (or even a college division) stands up at once and the President of the University makes a blanket statement that your degrees are now conferred. The process is usually completely impersonal and would mean very little to guests who will not actually see anything happen to you.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think it would be wise to start the discussion now before too many wedding plans are in place. Speak nicely to your brother and his wife-to-be. I'm sure you can work something out with this much notice. Getting mad won't do anyone any good, though.

Is he getting married near where you are graduating? Is it possible to have both within the same week so that family can be in town for both, thus saving airfare for those who must travel?

Both of my HS and college graduations meant the world to me. I worked really hard for that recognition, earning a low A average for one and a really, really high B average at the other one. Learning didn't come easy and I really had to buckle down. I would have been very upset if someone tried to rain on my parade by making me miss it.


ETA: Sorry, I see that there would be travel for your parents so my suggestion is moot.

 

[disfan07]

"I WANT my parents at my graduation and NOT thinking about the wedding."


I would just give that up right now. Part of being in a family with at least one sibling is that your parents minds are ALWAYS going to be scattered. IF we only have the one child as we do now, he will get lots and lots and LOTS of focused attention. But if we have another, there goes that focus. He'll get a lot of GOOD things for being one of a sibling unit, but the focused attention is not part of that.

I understand that. I do. But I think there is a difference between being focused on a wedding the next weekend and thinking about a wedding that is a month away or really anything else. For my brothers graduation,it was a big deal. It was all my parents were focused on for a while beforehand. So yes...I would like the samething for mine. I think that for major events liek this, it should be the main focus.

What I mean by not focusing on the wedding is that if the wedding is 7 days later, I can't really believe that THAT is not what they would be focusing on more than graduation. Especially since my mom has already said she wants to be out there for the entire week before the wedding.

And while walking at college graduation might have been unimportant to you, it is extremely important to me.

I have been through hell and high water to get to where I am and I will definitley be walking at graduation.

 

[goofy!]

I dont know. I am hoping my mom told him. I will find out this weekend because we WILL be discussing this again. I fshe didnt tell him, I will be calling him this weekend to tell him.

But I mean, even the week after annoys me. I would like at least a month in between MAINLY so that my grandparents can come out here for it.

My grandparents are both in their 80s. My grandpa escpecially is having more health problems, etc. I mean he is 86. I just dont have huge confidence in him being around for MY wedding so I would like him to be at my graduation. I dont think it's fair for them to be at both my brothers graduation and wedding but not be at mine. I know life isnt fair but I think this is just wrong.

Is this your high school graduation? Or college.

I don't think it is selfish to want your graduation weekend for you.

I do think it very selfish to insist on a month in between.

As parents, I can guarantee you that we are capable of focusing on one child one weekend and then focusing on the other child the following weekend.

Give your parents some credit that they love you and will be there for you during your graduation.

 

[jbcheerchick93]

It's 2 years away.

I honestly don't mean to be rude but it's actually only a year away if she is graduating in 2012. Little math things like that just get to me too easily!

However, it would seem rather thoughtless to schedule it on the same weekend as your graduation if there is another choice available, seeing as how it is fairly obvious that at least some members of the family will want to attend your graduation, which you can hardly change. The thing about your grandparents is a bit unfortunate, but I don't think that that is nearly as compelling. (Have you checked with your school re: how many passes you will be receiving for Commencement? It is possible that you might not be getting enough tickets for them in any case, which would eliminate that part of the problem.)

Now, having said all that, what size school do you attend? Is this your undergraduate commencement? If so, I really wouldn't get worked up about having people attend; most of the time there is NO individual recognition of Bachelor's recipients, those degrees are usually "conferred in place", which means that everyone in a given department (or even a college division) stands up at once and the President of the University makes a blanket statement that your degrees are now conferred. The process is usually completely impersonal and would mean very little to guests who will not actually see anything happen to you.

She hasn't yet said if she is in high school or college, so i think that plays a large part in it. At my high school we have a LOT of open area around the football field where graduation is held and i've seen families with 3-15 people there! For some reason I am fairly sure that she is still in high school. In which case I totally sympathize. My grandpa is getting up there in age too and I just hope that he makes it to my wedding, but we never know so its important for you to have him there now. Talk to your brother AND his fiancee about it, that way she understands how you feel too. You are going to be her sister, after all.

ETA: Some of this is irrelevant now. But if you have worked so hard for this and you really want your family there, explain that.

 

[goofy!]

I'm curious to see if people think I am being selfish. I really do want to try and see this from the other side.


My brother is engaged but they are not getting married for a couple of years. Well, apparently the 2 weekends that they are looking at are my graduation weekend and the weekend after. I am extremely pissed and flat out told my parents that under no circumstance am I missing my own graduation so if they choose that weekend, I will not be there. They were not happy with this. Personally, I dont understand WHY those are the only 2 weekends they are talking about. I'm pissed at the idea of it being the weekend after as well.

I feel like my graduation is being pushed aside because my brother is getting married. The biggest thing for me is that my gradnparents will not be able to come out here for my graduation if the wedding is the week after. It is cross country and too much travelling for them.

My older cousins college graduation was a big deal and my grandparents went.
My brothers graduation was a big deal last year and my grandparents were there for that.

Now it will be my turn to graduate and I feel like I am getting shafted and being completely ignored because of the wedding. I know that since we will have to fly across the country for the wedding, my parents will be at my graduation and than leaving like 2 days later so I know that their focus will be on the wedding.

I understand that his wedding is a big deal. I really do. ANd I am definitley looking foward to the wedding. but what I dont understand and what no one seems to want to answer is WHY it has to be at the same time as my graduation.

I WANT my parents at my graduation and NOT thinking about the wedding
I WANT my grandparents to be at my graduation just like they were for my brother and cousin
I WANT my graduation to be mine....not just the weekend before my brothers wedding

Basically, after the conversation (or really...argument) I had with my mom last weekend, I feel like she considers my brothers wedding to be such a big deal but my graduation is just another day.

Maybe it's selfish, i dont know. But is it wrong for me to be upset and for me to want my gaduation to be about me and NOT to be about my brothers wedding the next weekend????

.

 

[goofy!]

I honestly don't mean to be rude but it's actually only a year away if she is graduating in 2012. Little math things like that just get to me too easily.

I'm curious to see if people think I am being selfish. I really do want to try and see this from the other side.


My brother is engaged but they are not getting married for a couple of years.

The OP was the one who said it was still 2 years away.

 

[disfan07]

Okay first question...can anyone else NOT edit posts???? It wont let me edit anything.

Second, it is college graduation and graduating in 2013.

We get 5 passes to commencement for each graduate. So my grandparents and my parents only make 4.

I dont know. re-reading my post I can see that I was overreacting when I wrote this. I was just very very frustrated.

I still think that it isnt fair but when I told my mom that I wouldnt be missing my graduation for his wedding and that I wasn't too thrilled about it being the weekend after either, she told me I was being very selfish so that just hit me hard and it hurt.

I would NEVER actually insist on it being a month after graduation. I would prefer it but obviously never INSIST on it.

I mean, whatever happens, happens and i'll deal with it and enjoy both graduation and my brothers wedding. With graduation, moving, flying cross country, the wedding, etc, it will just be A LOT in a week.

I dont know...I just needed to vent and was really wondering if my though process was really me being selfish about it.

 

[jbcheerchick93]

The OP was the one who said it was still 2 years away.

Haha, i just re-read this and realized that i was assuming she was graduating the same year as me? Not sure how i ended up doing that one!

 

[NotUrsula]

And while walking at college graduation might have been unimportant to you, it is extremely important to me.

Oh, I didn't say that it shouldn't be important to you; I walked at both of mine and felt that it was worth it -- to me. (Now high school graduation I would happily have skipped. Graduating from high school seems about as impressive as breathing to me; most people are expected to manage to do it.) My mother and sister attended one of them but thought that the experience was a waste because they could not see me at all during the ceremony; the only personal mention was in the program, in that big alphabetical list. (If I recall correctly, there were about 7,000 degrees conferred at my undergrad commencement, which was in Spring. I got my MS in December, so the crowd was a bit smaller -- only about 3800. My name wasn't called at that one, either.)

There are still some really small schools where degrees are conferred individually, but at larger schools (particularly state schools), the only thing that spectators see of the undergrads is a sea of hats; they normally cannot make out individual faces in a crowd that size. The usual drill goes this way: file in to the music, sit down, listen to the speeches for about an hour, stand for about 30 seconds while your degree is conferred, then sit back down again and stay there while the doctoral candidates are hooded, then file out. Your name will not be called and you will not receive an actual diploma -- that gets mailed or picked up at the bursar's office. There just isn't much value in witnessing the ceremony unless there is an individual conferring of the degree, and at most larger schools that only happens if you earn a Ph.D.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I understand what you are saying and I don't think that you are being selfish at all. Graduating is a big milestone, and most people want the people who mean the most to them there.

With the wedding being two years away, why on earth could they not change the date to more than two weeks before or after your graduation. Maybe your brother does not know about the problem with the date, but I would think that he would understand.

Try not to get so worked up over it right now, hopefully things will work out for you without having to do that.

 

[disykat]

I don't see college graduation as a huge thing compared to weddings, but I would be upset if my family acted like me missing my graduation wasn't a big deal when big deals were made out of the others.

Call your brother! There's no reason to be upset if he doesn't even have any idea of the date of your graduation.

It's a long time away. If he can't be bothered to come up with a different date at this stage of the game when you have a milestone event already on the calendar, you do have a big problem.

I don't see the big deal of the next week. Graduations are a one day thing. My parents are in their 80's and although they are in good health they would be choosing which event to go to even if they were a month apart if they both involved substantial travel.

Your grandparents are aging, you may need to let go of some of your expectations earlier than you had hoped. I'm the youngest child too, and my events simply weren't attended the same way as my older siblings were because my grandparents were older when my events happened.

 

[disfan07]

Oh, I didn't say that it shouldn't be important to you; I walked at both of mine and felt that it was worth it -- to me. (Now high school graduation I would happily have skipped. Graduating from high school seems about as impressive as breathing to me; most people are expected to manage to do it.) My mother and sister attended one of them but thought that the experience was a waste because they could not see me at all during the ceremony; the only personal mention was in the program, in that big alphabetical list. (If I recall correctly, there were about 7,000 degrees conferred at my undergrad commencement, which was in Spring. I got my MS in December, so the crowd was a bit smaller -- only about 3800. My name wasn't called at that one, either.)

There are still some really small schools where degrees are conferred individually, but at larger schools (particularly state schools), the only thing that spectators see of the undergrads is a sea of hats; they normally cannot make out individual faces in a crowd that size. The usual drill goes this way: file in to the music, sit down, listen to the speeches for about an hour, stand for about 30 seconds while your degree is conferred, then sit back down again and stay there while the doctoral candidates are hooded, then file out. Your name will not be called and you will not receive an actual diploma -- that gets mailed or picked up at the bursar's office. There just isn't much value in witnessing the ceremony unless there is an individual conferring of the degree, and at most larger schools that only happens if you earn a Ph.D.

No. sorry. I wasnt quoting you when I said that. My mistake. I was quoting bumbershoot because she mentioned how walking at graduation was unimportant to her.

It's not so much about the ceremony itself. Its the dinner after. It's the fmaily and friends getting together the day after, etc. It's what they did my brothers graduation weekend.

I dont know. I just have to step away from thinking about what they did for my brothers graduation andjust not think about that.

I will be graduating and in the end, it will all work out some way or another.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Is this your high school graduation? Or college.

I don't think it is selfish to want your graduation weekend for you.

I do think it very selfish to insist on a month in between.

As parents, I can guarantee you that we are capable of focusing on one child one weekend and then focusing on the other child the following weekend.

Give your parents some credit that they love you and will be there for you during your graduation.

I really agree with this. Having the wedding on graduation weekend (with this much lead time to plan) is wrong and you are not selfish to be upset about that (and would not be selfish to attend you graduation and not the wedding if that occurs).
Asking that the activities be on anything other than different weekends is a bit selfish and self centered.

Oh, I didn't say that it shouldn't be important to you; I walked at both of mine and felt that it was worth it -- to me. (Now high school graduation I would happily have skipped. Graduating from high school seems about as impressive as breathing to me; most people are expected to manage to do it.) My mother and sister attended one of them but thought that the experience was a waste because they could not see me at all during the ceremony; the only personal mention was in the program, in that big alphabetical list. (If I recall correctly, there were about 7,000 degrees conferred at my undergrad commencement, which was in Spring. I got my MS in December, so the crowd was a bit smaller -- only about 3800. My name wasn't called at that one, either.)

There are still some really small schools where degrees are conferred individually, but at larger schools (particularly state schools), the only thing that spectators see of the undergrads is a sea of hats; they normally cannot make out individual faces in a crowd that size. The usual drill goes this way: file in to the music, sit down, listen to the speeches for about an hour, stand for about 30 seconds while your degree is conferred, then sit back down again and stay there while the doctoral candidates are hooded, then file out. Your name will not be called and you will not receive an actual diploma -- that gets mailed or picked up at the bursar's office. There just isn't much value in witnessing the ceremony unless there is an individual conferring of the degree, and at most larger schools that only happens if you earn a Ph.D.

Hmmmm. I graduated in 1996 so it is sure possible that things have changed, but at my large state school each department held its own graduation and they did call names (at least I assume each department did--mine and DHs did). I really enjoyed my college graduation more than my highschool one.

No. sorry. I wasnt quoting you when I said that. My mistake. I was quoting bumbershoot because she mentioned how walking at graduation was unimportant to her.

It's not so much about the ceremony itself. Its the dinner after. It's the fmaily and friends getting together the day after, etc. It's what they did my brothers graduation weekend.

I dont know. I just have to step away from thinking about what they did for my brothers graduation andjust not think about that.

I will be graduating and in the end, it will all work out some way or another.

Yes--you do have to step away. I think wedding or no wedding, if you are comparing things to what happened for your brother all day then you will end up being disappointed. You are different people, the timing is different and not matter what it will not be the same.
Also--if the party/dinner afterwards is the important part to you and not the ceremony then you can always have the party to celebrate the graduation a few weeks early or late (maybe after the wedding when everyone will not be focusing on it coming up). LOTS of people have their graduation parties on the weekends surrounding the graduation and not on THE weekend.

 

[rie'smom]

You posted that your brother doesn't even know that the weekend in question is when your're graduating. Once he knows they might change it. Expecting them to put it off a month though is IMO, asking a bit much.
You're assuming a whole lot of things. If this is college, who knows if you'll graduate right at that time. Dates change for both high school and college graduations.
Before flying off the handle, talk to your brother. Apparently you and your mother cannot discuss this to your satisfaction and after all she doesn't have any say in the wedding date chosen.