Am I being petty? Looooong... Update pg 5

[Mermaid02]

It tells me that she is hurting and needs some compassion. Given that he was in her life when the issue started and that they have been friendly recently, I don't see an issue.

Then she needs to call a girlfriend- not a married man who isn't interested in having her cry on his shoulder.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

The OP has never stated this. As far as I can tell, the only time he has confronted her is after some drunken texting when she was still clearly in pain from how he ended the 'with benefits' part of their relationship. According to the OP, at that time he only told her that the drunken texts were unnacceptable.

And from my reading that was more than six years ago and before they were married. I don't get holding that grudge for SIX years.

 

[shortbun]

As long as your mistrust is placed directly where it belongs - on her- I think you are spot on. Your DH has clearly communicated with her and he has said he'll drop even the attending of the wake...it's certainly not necessary to go-don't- and have him ignore any future texts. That should end it. As for her, sometimes it's nice to talk to an old friend-once-when you suffer a huge loss. Chalk it up to that and move on.

 

[cats7494]

No, I don't think you are being petty or are over-reacting at all. She has already shown many times that she does not respect you and your husband's marriage.

I think you are so lucky to have a husband that is so sensible about this and is completely sensitive to your needs! Good for him!

 

[cats7494]

Then she needs to call a girlfriend- not a married man who isn't interested in having her cry on his shoulder.

I agree with this!!!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I do not know what the mature response is.

DH had an ex during college who was a bit hopeful that things would work out for them. I'm having a hard time on how to say it---but since she wasn't direct with him, he felt no need to ever say anything. I told hi
that in a way it was like leading her on because she was a bit obvious in her demeanor. He didn't see it that way because he wasn't doing anything at all. So while I trusted him, I didn't trust her lack of respect for our relationship and I wrote her a scandalous letter that essentially told her to knock it off.

While that was effective---it probably wasn't the right thing and DH wasn't happy about it because he didn't want to be mean. I didn't feel I was mean and while there may have been a better way to handle it, she really needed a reality check.

As a grown woman, it isn't something I can recommend
at all, but I can really understand his you can trust your partner but not their ex who behaves in a "fatal attraction" matter. You never know what someone is capable of and it is best that you and your DH do your best to not address her.

He has extended his condolences...no need to do a thing more.

He should see about having her blocked on his cell phone and shouldn't respond to texts, phone calls or emails in the meantime.

I might also consider letting your DH know about your insecurities in checking his phone bill to confirm his honesty.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Maybe I am missing something. As far as I can tell, SIX years ago, before they were married, a former friend with benefits left a few drunken texts. She talked some crap about him and that seemed to be the end. Where are the stalker accusations coming from? What door is being reopened? This woman was admitedly his friend before the benefits were added. Why is it strange to let an old friend know about a death and about the funeral services? If the OP has trust issues, fine. But, it does not seem to be based on ANYTHING that happened within their marriage from this woman. Is it based on how she was with another person she dated that the OP mentioned? Come on.

 

[horseshowmom]

Maybe I am missing something. As far as I can tell, SIX years ago, before they were married, a former friend with benefits left a few drunken texts. She talked some crap about him and that seemed to be the end. Where are the stalker accusations coming from? What door is being reopened? This woman was admitedly his friend before the benefits were added. Why is it strange to let an old friend know about a death and about the funeral services? If the OP has trust issues, fine. But, it does not seem to be based on ANYTHING that happened within their marriage from this woman. Is it based on how she was with another person she dated that the OP mentioned? Come on.

The woman exhibited stalker type behavior when she dated the husband's friend a couple of years ago. She obviously had her own agenda when she was previously friendly with the OP's husband while pretending to just be friends (which sure wasn't her intention). She's shown that her behavior is sometimes erratic.

The woman and the OP's husband are casual acquaintances at best at this point. Why on earth would she even make a point of texting him about the arrangements - he doesn't even know the person and is no longer remotely close to the woman (it's not unreasonable for other posters to wonder if she's looking for an opening)? The husband extended his condolences after receiving the text. What more should the woman expect from him? As you said, it's been SIX years. There is no longer anything other than a very superficial relationship (which is why many posters are suspicious). I don't think there's a need for a card or anything else. He expressed his condolences and didn't ask about arrangements at the time. The fact that she told him what they were does not obligate him to go. End of story. I see no reason to change his phone number. If she does proceed with questionable contacts, then block her.

 

[Mermaid02]

Maybe I am missing something. As far as I can tell, SIX years ago, before they were married, a former friend with benefits left a few drunken texts. She talked some crap about him and that seemed to be the end. Where are the stalker accusations coming from? What door is being reopened? This woman was admitedly his friend before the benefits were added. Why is it strange to let an old friend know about a death and about the funeral services? If the OP has trust issues, fine. But, it does not seem to be based on ANYTHING that happened within their marriage from this woman. Is it based on how she was with another person she dated that the OP mentioned? Come on.

I think you are being very naive. They are no longer friends, yet she sends him a text when her relative dies? Come on. WHY? What was she hoping to accomplish? I'm sure she has friends, call them. I'm sure LOTS of my former friends have had relatives die, some were even their primary caregivers I'm sure- yet a "blast from the past" has NEVER contacted me to say, "Granny passed away last night" She is trying to rekindle the "friendship", the OP and her dh are NOT interested and while she seemed to take the hint in the past, she's giving it another go.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Maybe I am missing something. As far as I can tell, SIX years ago, before they were married, a former friend with benefits left a few drunken texts. She talked some crap about him and that seemed to be the end. Where are the stalker accusations coming from? What door is being reopened? This woman was admitedly his friend before the benefits were added. Why is it strange to let an old friend know about a death and about the funeral services? If the OP has trust issues, fine. But, it does not seem to be based on ANYTHING that happened within their marriage from this woman. Is it based on how she was with another person she dated that the OP mentioned? Come on.

One of the texts in particular was asking him why the DH didn't give them a chance to have their relationship make a go. This was while the man was dating his *now* wife! The friendship ended. The former friend could not respect boundaries and could not let go.

The couldn't let go part is the sticking point. It took a long while for her to get there. Now 6 years later, she's baaaaccccckkkkk.

 

[jfoofj]

Hi again,

Thanks for all the replies. I really do like seeing the debate here and seeing the differing opinions.

The wake is tonight, funeral tomorrow and we aren't going, aren't sending a card. DH feels like texting her back w/ "I'm sorry for your loss" was enough.

Yes, six years has been a long time, but this girl was a pain in the patoosh when we first got together. She even went as far as to say (to coworkers/mutual friends) that I was trapping DH by trying to get pregnant. Ummmmmm... I can't even have any more kids and I was pretty darn lucky I had my son. She was toxic back then, and while I would like to be able to give her the benefit of the doubt, I can't, and since DH doesn't care I'm not going to try.

I do trust DH, and I realize that my issues are my issues and I have seen a counselor in the past. I also have access to our phone bills, email accounts, etc and it has been YEARS since I have felt the need to check up on things, and I am not even feeling like I need to now. This girl really burned her bridge to even staying friends w/ DH years ago. I was just feeling bad that I was feeling so negatively towards her during her time of loss.

I really hope that she doesn't try to contact DH again, we will have to wait and see.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

The woman exhibited stalker type behavior when she dated the husband's friend a couple of years ago. She obviously had her own agenda when she was previously friendly with the OP's husband while pretending to just be friends (which sure wasn't her intention). She's shown that her behavior is sometimes erratic.

The woman and the OP's husband are casual acquaintances at best at this point. Why on earth would she even make a point of texting him about the arrangements - he doesn't even know the person and is no longer remotely close to the woman (it's not unreasonable for other posters to wonder if she's looking for an opening)? The husband extended his condolences after receiving the text. What more should the woman expect from him? As you said, it's been SIX years. There is no longer anything other than a very superficial relationship (which is why many posters are suspicious). I don't think there's a need for a card or anything else. He expressed his condolences and didn't ask about arrangements at the time. The fact that she told him what they were does not obligate him to go. End of story. I see no reason to change his phone number. If she does proceed with questionable contacts, then block her.

Yet she didn't stalk the husband -- and she has been gone from their relationship for years. As for her ulterior motive or agenda? The OP mentioned they were friends with benefits -- not just friends. It sounds like the husband didn't really end it at the time -- just letting things dangle until something better came along. A few drunken texts are NOT stalking.

When my Dad died, I let a lot of people from my past know. Although I was not close with them anymore, they had been a part of my life when my dad was around, and yes, that included ex-boyfriends and male friends.

I am missing what this woman did wrong. Sent a message about the death, then about the services. Seriously, what is wrong with that? If she continues, sure, take steps. But she hasn'tt. Until then, it seems like a HUGE over-reaction.

 

[bumbershoot]

I think you and your DH are fine with not going to the funeral. I think YOU should send a card from the two of you, since he does work with her, but that's as far as I would go. (I would make sure the card was in my handwriting, not DH's)

If someone decides that a card must be sent, I would have DH write it, he signs it, and writes "and", and then you write your name in your handwriting. That way she can see that he was involved AND knew that you were signing, vs you just plunking your name at the bottom. And if she just gets something in your handwriting only, she might still think that a card from him might still show up. But for him to write it and put "and" before your signature it shows that you're a team and you are fully apprised of everything.

Just to give a little background.... the family member who died was diagnosed/had surgery/began treatment years ago when DH was involved with this girl, so, while he didn't know the family member I guess he was there for her while she dealt with getting this news. The family member had gone into remission but obviously became ill again.

I hate it that I feel like this, I wish I didn't, but I think after you have been cheated on you never really lose that "what if" feeling.

The fact that he was around when the person got sick makes a bit more sense. She might feel that he would want to know.

But I don't expect regular friends to contact me about family members who have died unless I knew the family members. And I don't even expect exes to contact me. Heck, an ex had his mom AND dad died in the years since we broke up, and he didn't contact me, though I knew them, and I didn't expect to hear about it.

Maybe I am missing something. As far as I can tell, SIX years ago, before they were married, a former friend with benefits left a few drunken texts. She talked some crap about him and that seemed to be the end. Where are the stalker accusations coming from? What door is being reopened? This woman was admitedly his friend before the benefits were added. Why is it strange to let an old friend know about a death and about the funeral services? If the OP has trust issues, fine. But, it does not seem to be based on ANYTHING that happened within their marriage from this woman. Is it based on how she was with another person she dated that the OP mentioned? Come on.

It can seem like that.

But I have been on a few sides of this, and I don't think it's innocent.

I've been on the "I'll be marginally in your life while you get over the last relationship, and I do expect to be considered once you're ready" side, and it hurt worse than some actual breakups, when he skipped over me. Especially b/c in my case, the woman the guy ended up with ended up with him because she basically swooped in and "claimed" him. He later left her, and we tried to figure out a relationship again, and he told me that he wasn't sure about my feelings but he WAS sure about hers, and if he had only known my feelings he wouldn't have ended up with her... Do you know how painful that is to hear? It's horrible.

Now, I didn't act like a psycho about it. She certainly did, though, after he left her. And she was the big reason I finally ended it with him, because she'd purposely (as she went more psycho, she lost more friends, and those friends all went to him to tell him what she had plotted and planned for) gotten pregnant TWICE by him, and had had those babies, so he was linked with her forever. And whenever he and I would try to get close, she knew it, and the midnight phone calls would start. ETA: Finishing that bit....although I've been a stepdaughter three times over, I have never wanted to be a stepmom, especially not when I was already frightened of their mother. Having him in my life would mean having her in my life, and that wasn't a pretty thought. IN addition, he was considering moving from NY to WA to be with me, and I ultimately wasn't comfortable being with a man who would leave his children (that I never met, for the record) and move cross-country. It was a good decision and I'm glad I made it (though sorry I hurt him, even though he had hurt me a few times already). end of edit.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there, except to show that the situations aren't exactly the same, as I wasn't the psycho one and it doesn't seem that you are (though she might feel the same devastating pain for having been skipped over, being "not worthy", for having heard all about his divorce having been there for him etc etc).


About the calling-about-a-loss part....that probably wasn't actually done just to let him know. When I called an ex to let him know that my mom had died, it was NOT because he had been in my life when she was diagnosed. NO, it was because I wanted him over at my place, immediately. And he came over.

It was just after watching High Fidelity, which in retrospect was a big mistake to watch, because of the scene when the female character finds out that her dad has died, and then what happens when he comes to the funeral and reception at her mom's house.... That feeling of needing to feel SOMETHING ELSE, and as she basically says, "or I'll put cigarettes out on my arm", is strong and powerful, and although it's been a LONG time since their dalliance was done with, I would be that she wanted a big reaction from him.


If I were her...silence would probably be the best thing. Well, and finding someone that she can actually fall in love with and leave behind her past. Silence can't be argued with, reasoned with, persuaded. Silence helps to heal, over time. It's harder because she's at work, but there can be silence when he's not passing her in the hallways. Blocking a phone number is an idea, but just not responding is a better one.

 

[AtlantaSue]

I am missing what this woman did wrong. Sent a message about the death, then about the services. Seriously, what is wrong with that? If she continues, sure, take steps. But she hasn'tt. Until then, it seems like a HUGE over-reaction.

What is a HUGE over-reaction? Not going to the services? That was the original topic, no? If that is what you are saying then I can't help but think that you are either very young, not married, or both. If I misunderstand your post, then my apologies.
Maybe the woman has matured and the text was innocent and she really didn't do anything "wrong" or w/ an ulterior motive; but MAYBE NOT-and why on earth would the OP and her husband want to take that chance? They had unpleasant dealings with this woman early on in their relationship (she texted him about wanting to be with him knowing he was w/ the OP, and then continued to do so when he asked her not to-who needs that?!) and they finally got her out of their lives. How smart would it be for him to show up at her time of need and run the risk of starting up the late night texting all over again--why would you do that to yourselves?! Why in the world would any happily married couple purposefully revisit this relationship?

 

[HeatherC]

Is there a way your dh can just block her texts from his phone? Problem solved. Or...just get a new phone number. A pain, I know, but then there is no confrontation.

 

[ols386]

I don't think you are being petty, but I do think that you either trust your husband, or you don't. And it sounds to me like you CAN trust him, from what you've said. I think you are putting too much time and energy into worrying and/or being overly concerned about this.

I don't think there is any harm in sending a sympathy card, or something of that nature, to the woman, from BOTH of you, not just him. I also don't think there is anything wrong with he and you going to the funeral to pay respect. If he doesn't feel the need to go, then fine.

 

[lillygator]

and do they still work together? I thought I read that in here.

 

[Heidict]

and do they still work together? I thought I read that in here.

I think she said that they are both working for he same company but in different departments therefore they don't actually interact.

 

[cm8]

Petty? Absolutely not. You are heading Trouble (capital T) off at the pass. She is toxic; she has proven that. This is not an "oh well it didn't work out move along" former relationship. This is an "I still have feelings for you and am loose enough upstairs to make your life miserable" person.

And I agree that he needs a new phone number.

 

[lillygator]

I think she said that they are both working for he same company but in different departments therefore they don't actually interact.

same bldg? work email....bathrooms....yikes.