Am I being Judgemental?

[aka-mad4themouse]

Is the issue with the snarky responses, or with just replying to the subtopic? I can understand that the snarky responses can't be allowed, but I feel like the discussion on the subtopic is giving the OP feedback regarding her topic, because posters are bringing in personal stories and information. I'm just asking because I really don't want to comment on something that may lead to the thread being closed. No sarcasm intended

Respectful and thoughtful comments always add to a conversation, even if the conversation takes a detour. However, when people begin to post for the purpose of baiting others or to elicit a heated response, then the discussion loses it's value to this board and its readers. I suggest that anyone wishing to join in the discussion should keep the posting guidelines in mind when typing their responses.

 

[crisi]

Week before last, dh's family was around. One family member shares her woes about how her husband works only such and such hours because if they work too many more, they'll lose food stamps and goes on to whine that they don't have $350 for their heating bill. She further talks about how she can't work b/c she can't afford a sitter and of course, if she works, she'll lose govt assistance. Which really began to irritate me. Her husband works less than 20 hours per week. She doesn't work at all. Haven't they heard of working opposite shifts? Both kids are in school from 8-3. Can one of them not get a full time and the other a part time working opposite shifts? And then comes the clincher for me--somehow, she was able to pay $2000 for an upcoming Disney trip! Now, how do you pay to go to WDW when you don't have $350 for your gas bill?

I said nothing to her, but my question is this, am I being too judgemental?

In the interest of giving the op feedback and back on topic.

Judging is part of human nature - and its often a very good thing. It lets you know where you stand in terms of your own morals and values - and, when you are tempted, it can remind you of what you SHOULD do. You've taken this situation and defined where you stand.

The question is really, should you let your judgment impact your relationship with them, and that depends on what you get out of the relationship and, given that its DH's family, how he feels. My sister is financially irresponsible, I've chosen not to deal with her rather that to waste my emotional energy. My brother in law is also financially irresponsible, but he is important to my husband, so we deal - but we have stopped giving him money (my husband does give him extravagent for my own taste gifts). There is an old saying that you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family - you can't - but you can choose how much aggravation they are allowed to bring into your own life.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

Sorry for that comment, I tend to get offensive like most of us. No we stay off site or at a value to be honest because that is what I can afford

But you cant afford it!!! Thats the problem. Im sorry I was a single 16 year old mom when I had my son. I did not once accept assistance, instead I got a job. I finished HS, graduated college and I am now an Officer in the county where I live. Im sorry but Im having a hard enough time saving for my own Disney trip, let alone paying for yours!!!!

My favorite line out of a tv show (The West Wing) was "We should help those working hardest to help themselves" and clearly your not doing that to the degree in which you could.

For the OP, you are not judgemental, it effects you too. You are in a tough spot and cant exactly report them because they are family. Just keep your chin up and hopefully they will see the light at the end of the table.

 

[bluesaturn]

Respectful and thoughtful comments always add to a conversation, even if the conversation takes a detour. However, when people begin to post for the purpose of baiting others or to elicit a heated response, then the discussion loses it's value to this board and its readers. I suggest that anyone wishing to join in the discussion should keep the posting guidelines in mind when typing their responses.

Thanks for answering! Sorry I deleted my post because I was worried it was going to come off rude. But now I'm glad you saw it.

 

[ilovefh]

That includes WDW tix, Universal ticket (Usually the autotrain but we are driving this year), Howard Johnsons MGE for 14 niights, Nick for 3 nights and pop for 7, gas, food and shopping. That's for my 3 kids and I and my niece. And that was an estimate.

I'm hoping this isn't true and you're a troll. But if not I am horrified!! I'd love to take a month and go to FL, but with working at our middle school (I'm an aid), waitressing five nights a week Nov-August, working at a summer camp for 9 weeks in the summer and coaching field hockey in the fall (then I only waitress 2-3 nights) I can't get that time off! I think I must be doing something wrong! I'm in debt, perhaps I should quit my other jobs so I could qualify for assistance?

I mentioned this friend to a coworker today who was a social worker for 10 years in town and she said during her 10 years she observed that about 10% of the people on her case load were working to get off assistance, the rest were like the previous poster who claimed to be doing all they could!

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

Im saying troll. Look at her other prior posts. She talks about her prior Disney cruise and how much she spends when she goes to WDW and how she pays for others to go.

How sad for the original poster that her thread got so out of hand. I hope your questions were answered and good luck with your family situation.

 

[Humphrey Bear]

I work non profit and it gets to me all the time- I have families come in and need food- We are not set up to be a grocery store but to be a help in times of things like: a single mom lost her job or dad who is the only one working get sick, misses a few days and the paycheck doesn't cover food-
There are two type of people who come in
1. the family who comes in and is really bothered by the fact they need help, the ones who say thank you and please, the ones who take what we can give them and never complain but are thankful.

2. The family who comes in and complains about what is offered, the family who comes in and asks if they can pick what they want, the family who comes in and after being told we can't help you again, sends in another family member to get food. The family who lies about dad being dead or in jail when you go out and see mom and dad together driving a car I couldn't afford. or mom whips out a cell phone I can only dream of- and her nails are done and hair is colored and her jeans aren't from goodwill.

I used to be very open hearted and learned quickly that there are so many that cheat and it's wrong- it keeps people who are really in need from getting help.I try not to be judgemental and understand that things can go wrong fast in a family- one day you can be on top and tomorrow you can lose everything.
What really made me open my eyes was the lady who came in with an O2 tank and could hardly walk- we kept giving her groceries for her and her grandkids cause daddy run off and mom was in jail. well 3 days later i was in the store and she had her EBT card out and was buying stuff like steak and shrimp, cake and all kinds of stuff- her basket was full of expensive foods....
and she was walking just fine with no O2...opened my eyes fast..

My family and I live near Disney and we have AP's but I sell stuff on Ebay and Hubby works side jobs so we can afford AP's & to drive over for the day. and if we do stay we stay in a value- we have stayed in deluxe and mods but we go value so we can go a lot.
Sorry this is so long- it just gets to me that there are those who take advantage or Work the system make others who are in need go without.

Back to the refillable mug thread- that was more fun!

There was an article and picture in our paper just before Easter about a local food bank and how bad off people are and that there is so much need. There was a picture of a person with a small cart filled with groceries going down the isles of the food bank which is set up like a small grocery store. The caption was about how the person was so upset that they didn't have any spiral sliced hams and that there Easter dinner was going to be ruined without the spiral sliced ham. My son's school just collected over 2,000 items for this food bank and all the kids were so happy that they were doing something for people in need and here is this person mad because no one donated spiral sliced hams!

 

[Calliaz]

I am going to a 2 year college soon that will gie me my masters in 4 years (credits from before and work experience credits and I am working on something called a CDA with is a chilcaes version of a associates degree).

I know this isn't really the topic, but PLEASE be careful of any educational institution that is going to give you work experience credit. Many of these programs will take the same amount of money from you as a good college and your degree will not be worth as much when it comes time to get a job.

I teach college courses and I've been on the hiring side and sometimes a degree from an unaccredited school looks worse than having no degree at all.

 

[ty&brenmom]

I have stayed up reading all the posts and wasn't sure if I should reply or not. I guess I need to throw my two cents in.
To the OP I would say that I don't believe that you are being judgemental, you seem to know how the family is and how they are using the system and that would make me mad also.
And to show that there are more single mothers out there who do teach their children right from wrong and that nothing is free here is my story.
I have been a single parent most of my sons lives. I made some bad choices in my past and have taken responsiblity of these choices. I work forty hours a week, for a job that pays the bills, DOESN'T offer any kind of insurance or other benefits, BUT will work with my school schedule. Yes I attend school 3/4 time (9 credits a semester) school is paid for by pell grant and student loans. ( I have two years left). The only kind of "assistance" that I qualify for is for medical for my sons. I saved up for 5 years to take my sons to disney last year. Next years trip is an early graduation present, which is being paid for by saving every extra cent that we have. I don't buy name brand anything, we don't have cable, just the bare necessities. If I can't pay for it in cash we don't get it. Zero debt!!! The only reason I have internet is because of my classes and my oldest son.
I believe that there are those that need assistance and they should not be ashamed of getting it, but with so many abusing the system it is such a shame.
By reading this thread I have figured out how to cheat the system, now if only I could allow myself to sink that low to do it.

 

[kandeebunny]

You know things like this REALLY bother me.

I am 24, I am on SSDI, I CANNOT work more than 20 hours a week, my Dr's won't let me. The days I feel like I can, I want to, but the next day I feel like I got hit by a mack truck.

BECAUSE I get SSDI, and because I was disabled before 21, so I claim on my deceased Dad's SS, I do NOT qualify for SSI, or food stamps, or housing. I live at home with my Mom, I pay my car insurance so I can get to the Dr, I pay my medical bills (that lovely medicare does NOT cover) I pay for my medications and I have NOTHING left at the end of the month. If I didn't have my Mom to live with I would be choosing between my medicine and rent, or food and rent.

Then people who DO NOT WANT to work...can get all this assistance. It bugs the heck out of me.

 

[meandtheguys2]

My mom always said "There's more to life than personal happiness," meaning, I think, just what you've said above. Words like "sacrifice" and "responsibility" seem to have little meaning to some folks (perhaps, none at all). I just wish the American system was better set up to reward the hard-working poor, of which there are many.

What a great quote by your mom. I don't suppose anyone with the entitled mindset will "get it", but I'll use it with my kiddos.

 

[Barthy73]

Am I being too judgemental?

Amanda, you're being judgmental. Too judgmental? I really doubt it.

It's quite the can of worms you've opened up here, but I have to agree with most everything you've said, and I'm more judgmental than you are!!

If a person or family is receiving assistance but is trying to help themselves or their family, I'm all for our (the taxpayers) help.

For those, some of whom have posted here, who seem to be abusing the system or take full legal advantage of them, shame on them. Shame on them for having such poor values systems and shame on them for being such a poor example for their families.

 

[Dagny]

I've had enough guys, sorry. I can't bear to read another page of this thread.