Am I being a jerk?

[MamaBelle4]

DH has never been and wants his first time to be with his son. First, I would love to be able to bring him, just not for this trip. Why? Because of the problem and stress it will be with his ex. She will say no. Then she will say yes. And she will keep this up until the day before leaving.

He wants his first trip to be with his son. So you go solo or with a friend.

"Just not for this trip". Why not? If bio mom is like what you say, why won't she do that a year or two from now? Something isn't adding up.

Am I being selfish to want this?

There it is ^. Right there. You want to exclude your stepson and are using bio mom as an excuse. At least, that's how it reads. You are perfectly entitled to want to go to WDW solo or with a friend. DH wants to include his son (who he hardly has custody of and probably misses being more active in his life). Please do not force your DH to exclude his son. You want to go on an adults only trip, fine. But please realize that when you chose to marry a man who has a son, your family got bigger and "adult only" things may take a backseat while your DH raises his child.

 

[robinb]

There is no right or wrong I just wanted to give my 2 cents.

We will have to agree to disagree with that. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around you leaving a 7-year old child who has never been to WDW at home while you and your husband went on an adults-only vaycay to place loaded with kids. Sure, you (and the OP) are "entitled" to whatever kind of vacation you wish but it just seems unbearably mean to me and something that your child will probably never forget. Especially now that you are finally taking him to WDW he'll know exactly what he missed.

OP, I see two things in your posts
(1) You don't want to take your DH's step-son with you in because you want to avoid drama over your 50th birthday trip.
(2) Once your DH said that he wanted the step-son to go too it no longer became your "birthday trip" but a family trip with a birthday celebration on the side.

I can sympathize with both, but once you marry someone with a child you have to give up some things. In your case, it's a drama-free birthday trip. Your DH's EX is obviously not an adult so you and your DH need to step up and be the adults in the relationship. I would suggest for your DH and his stepson that you suck it up and make it work. Doing otherwise is, IMO, being a jerk.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Yes, you are.

 

[buzzrelly]

The problem is that this is DHs stepson, but he was in the delivery room when the child was born so he views this child as his own. We have a custody agreement, but the court can nullify it at any time because he is not the birth father.

Is his name on the birth certificate? Did he legally adopt the child? If one or the other, then the court can't just nullify the order.

I'm loathe to even reply to this whole thread though, because none of it rings true…I just find myself getting sucked in.

 

[Meglen]

We will have to agree to disagree with that. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around you leaving a 7-year old child who has never been to WDW at home while you and your husband went on an adults-only vaycay to place loaded with kids. Sure, you (and the OP) are "entitled" to whatever kind of vacation you wish but it just seems unbearably mean to me and something that your child will probably never forget. Especially now that you are finally taking him to WDW he'll know exactly what he missed.

OP, I see two things in your posts
(1) You don't want to take your DH's step-son with you in because you want to avoid drama over your 50th birthday trip.
(2) Once your DH said that he wanted the step-son to go too it no longer became your "birthday trip" but a family trip with a birthday celebration on the side.

I can sympathize with both, but once you marry someone with a child you have to give up some things. In your case, it's a drama-free birthday trip. Your DH's EX is obviously not an adult so you and your DH need to step up and be the adults in the relationship. I would suggest for your DH and his stepson that you suck it up and make it work. Doing otherwise is, IMO, being a jerk.

It was our honey moon. We had to wait 6 months after the wedding to take it.

 

[piccolopat]

If your SO only has his step son on weekends, can you do a weekend trip to MK with the three of you? Certainly not ideal but it can work. Then plan a special (and longer) adults only trip, either back to WDW or someplace else. Unless SO is required to tell his ex if he plans to travel with his step son when he has weekend visitation, I wouldn't tell her until after the trip.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I'm loathe to even reply to this whole thread though, because none of it rings true…I just find myself getting sucked in.

Agreed

 

[kellogla]

I appreciate those that have taken the time to reply and offer suggestions and insight.

 

[kellogla]

Is his name on the birth certificate? Did he legally adopt the child? If one or the other, then the court can't just nullify the order.

I'm loathe to even reply to this whole thread though, because none of it rings true…I just find myself getting sucked in.

I am replying, even though you believe that "none of it rings true." His name is not on the birth certificate. He was supposed to adopt the child after they married, but that requires the mother's permission. She left the father off completely and then never allowed DH to adopt, using the possibility of adoption to keep him in the marriage. If you think I am lying, why bother commenting in the first place. I am not asking to be mean, I am curious. Just to provide even more details, we know the law around this, we tried to have DH declared the father through the court, but that was blocked (imputed father, holding the son out as his son, etc.). We only see DS as long as she allows. And right now she allows because she would rather be paid child support than not.

 

[CeruleanMoon]

@Kellogla, I have some info for you that you might find helpful. I'll be able to PM it to you once you have 10 posts on the forums here. I hope you stick around and can find some fun threads to participate in.

It makes perfect sense to me that you feel disappointed that your milestone birthday trip may not turn out the way you'd envisioned it, and it's understandable that you are frustrated with having to deal with extra roadblocks and drama along the way.

Even though your SO may not be the biological father to this child (did you say it was a boy?), if he has been acting in the role of father, supporting him financially and emotionally, especially if it has been years, then the courts will recognize him as the Dad and act accordingly. He probably has a much stronger leg to stand on than he realizes. His situation is not unheard of.

Let's take out how you feel about the trip, and the ex's reaction. You are now left with your SO's reaction and that is something you will have to work with as well. If he has a strong image in his head of Disney as the place where he always wanted to take his son, filled with visions of warm fuzzies and happy family memories, then he is going to have a hard time letting go of that. If you did go on this trip without his son, would he end up being constantly reminded of how much little Johnny would love it every time he's sees something that reminds him? That's going to make him sad, and you're going to end up with the ghost of Johnny on your trip whether he is actually there or not.

I know it's not fair - why shouldn't you be able to chose where you want to go for your 50th?? - but you may have to look at adult-oriented destinations for your birthday trip instead, if only because it's DISNEY. And Disney means nostalgia and memories. Alternatively, if you happen to enjoy the same kinds of activities a 9 year old would, (rides, characters, etc) then you could still have a really fun time, and maybe you could utilize the babysitting service Disney offers to have an adult-only night out where you focus on you and your birthday.

Hang in there and good luck.

 

[HopperFan]

I have booked trips to WDW where I wasn't sure that the 3rd party could actually come (& in the end, they didn't & that was okay.) That is what this situation calls for:

1. Book the trip for 3. FPs for 3, ADRs for 3, etc. If your stepson can't go in the end, you will still be able to do your ADRs with the 3rd person missing. I have experienced this myself (doing 2 ADRs per day at top restaurants) and it was never a problem.

2. Skip the dining plan, which doesn't save money, anyway.

3. It doesn't matter if one less person shows up at the resort.

The only thing you'll lose money on if your stepson doesn't go is park tickets & airline tickets. Your husband should take financial responsibility for those (if you split expenses in your marriage). If not, that's a relatively small price to pay for the peace of mind of having done the right thing.

And yes, it really is the right thing to do for your marriage, since your husband really wants his son included.

Completely agree with this .............. but ............. what if in the end she won't let him go (and don't be surprised because just about every parent wants to be there for their child's first visit, including his Mom) .................what will your DH do? If DSS can't go last minute, will DH stay home also? You need to resolve that before you put all the work and effort into the trip.

First thing I would do is have DH discuss what you would like to do with his ex. If she agrees I would get it in writing with dates so they are on the same page. If she baulks and fights him on it, I think you have your answer. Either way I would not tell DSS anything about the trip for fear it falls through and then DH will have that to deal with.

If she says no, do you have a best girlfriend or sibling that would like to go to Disney with you? and your DH & you take have a special weekend somewhere else.

 

[Shanti]

Completely agree with this .............. but ............. what if in the end she won't let him go (and don't be surprised because just about every parent wants to be there for their child's first visit, including his Mom) .................what will your DH do? If DSS can't go last minute, will DH stay home also? You need to resolve that before you put all the work and effort into the trip.

First thing I would do is have DH discuss what you would like to do with his ex. If she agrees I would get it in writing with dates so they are on the same page. If she baulks and fights him on it, I think you have your answer. Either way I would not tell DSS anything about the trip for fear it falls through and then DH will have that to deal with.

If she says no, do you have a best girlfriend or sibling that would like to go to Disney with you? and your DH & you take have a special weekend somewhere else.

This is all very thoughtful and I agree with much of it. I just want to point out that there are plenty of parents with no desire to ever take their child to WDW. All of us on these boards would insist on being there for the first trip, because we love Disney, but plenty of parents don't because of the crowds, expense, commercialism of it, etc. For example, my son's father has never had the slightest desire to ever take my son to Disney World. So that just adds a little perspective that we don't know this mom and she might have no inclination to ever take the child herself.

 

[HopperFan]

This is all very thoughtful and I agree with much of it. I just want to point out that there are plenty of parents with no desire to ever take their child to WDW. All of us on these boards would insist on being there for the first trip, because we love Disney, but plenty of parents don't because of the crowds, expense, commercialism of it, etc. For example, my son's father has never had the slightest desire to ever take my son to Disney World. So that just adds a little perspective that we don't know this mom and she might have no inclination to ever take the child herself.

Completely agree with you ....... and I guess I didn't mean specific Disney but sadly there will be some (I've seen it) that proclaim that they want to be there for whatever special time, even though not true, to block the other's joy. I don't know how you handle that ... and OP's situation is even more complicated.

I think the biggest hurdle is if DH won't go without DSS, where does that leave OP?

 

[Shanti]

I think the biggest hurdle is if DH won't go without DSS, where does that leave OP?

Agree that they need to plan that part out first. The proposition to the mom should be, let him go with us, or you can keep him at home. It should be planned during the mom's regularly scheduled time with him (so she can't say at the last minute she already has her own plans), & they should offer a swap of some of their time with him later on in exchange, probably with a little extra time added on to be nice. I do this custody sharing/swap stuff all the time & the logistics aren't really hard. You just have to present multiple viable options & see which the other parent goes for.

 

[Nettester]

I think you should go with a girlfriend, or siblings, solo, or someone else for your 50th. I feel for your husband because it sounds like a huge pain, but he needs to work with the court to figure this out. I don't know if he needs a good lawyer or what, but I would NOT want to get caught in the middle of it. If your husband so wants to take this child to Disney while he still is a child, HE is going to have to fight the battle to make it happen. I would tell him if he is successful in getting legal approval to take his son on such a trip, that you would love to join them, tour them around, etc. As long as your husband isn't interested in going his first time without his child, that's the only option I see.

Of course, you could always plan it for the 3 of you, but it's not fair to the child if you know it could get yanked away at the last minute. Totally cruel, and I could not do that to a kid, even if his mother is to blame, he still gets hurt.

 

[rebelbuddhist]

No matter what advice you get, the overriding factor is going to be what Court Orders say. If your stepson only visits everyother weekend and has no other longer visit time, a trip to WDW is not going to work. If there is no provisionin the divorce agreement that allows a longer visit, you could seek a modification. But that may cause problems with his mother. You could also think about a notarized, written agreement between mother and father that allows him to go. But I would file that agreement with the court just in case it needs enforcement at the trip time.
I was in the same situation witn a mother who sabatoged whatever. Better to have all your ducks in a row before you spend $ on the trip. If every other weekend is the only visitation right your husband has that’s a shame unless there is some reason for such limited visitation.

 

[kellogla]

No matter what advice you get, the overriding factor is going to be what Court Orders say. If your stepson only visits everyother weekend and has no other longer visit time, a trip to WDW is not going to work. If there is no provisionin the divorce agreement that allows a longer visit, you could seek a modification. But that may cause problems with his mother. You could also think about a notarized, written agreement between mother and father that allows him to go. But I would file that agreement with the court just in case it needs enforcement at the trip time.
I was in the same situation witn a mother who sabatoged whatever. Better to have all your ducks in a row before you spend $ on the trip. If every other weekend is the only visitation right your husband has that’s a shame unless there is some reason for such limited visitation.

The every other weekend is because he has no legal rights because DSS is not his biological child and she didn’t let him adopt. He begged during the divorce, but she knew she wouldn’t have any power if he had legal rights other than what she has agreed to, which according to law, she can change her mind about without ever having to go to court. In family law, step-parents have no rights and in Alabama it is almost impossible to have the non biological parent declared a legal parent. Adoption was his only hope to have more contact.

Also the child support legally goes away if she refuses to let DH see DSS. That’s the only hold we have.

 

[kellogla]

I think you should go with a girlfriend, or siblings, solo, or someone else for your 50th. I feel for your husband because it sounds like a huge pain, but he needs to work with the court to figure this out. I don't know if he needs a good lawyer or what, but I would NOT want to get caught in the middle of it. If your husband so wants to take this child to Disney while he still is a child, HE is going to have to fight the battle to make it happen. I would tell him if he is successful in getting legal approval to take his son on such a trip, that you would love to join them, tour them around, etc. As long as your husband isn't interested in going his first time without his child, that's the only option I see.

Of course, you could always plan it for the 3 of you, but it's not fair to the child if you know it could get yanked away at the last minute. Totally cruel, and I could not do that to a kid, even if his mother is to blame, he still gets hurt.

That’s another thing I am worried about, telling DSS, even if mom agrees at the beginning. Because she has had no qualms with upsetting him, I don’t want something this big break his heart. We’ve discussed not telling him but she wouldn’t keep quiet about it if we asked her to.

 

[kittyab]

My issue would be spending $$$ ahead for a trip for a child that she will go back and forth on giving permission.

I guess you could tell her if you are changing your mind on allowing him to go, you need to reimburse use x amount of $$$.

Now when he is 18 she can't say a word.

 

[Gussie Granger 1969]

Okay, I have loved Disney World for as long as I can remember and used to be able to go every few years. Always adult-only trips because my ex and I didn’t have children. Due to the divorce and health issues, it’s been at least 10 since my last trip. The person I am with now has a 9 yo son who he is only allowed to see every other weekend. I finally have my head above water and am considering a trip to Disney for my 50th Bday. When I mentioned it, my DH wants to try to bring his son also. DH has never been and wants his first time to be with his son. First, I would love to be able to bring him, just not for this trip. Why? Because of the problem and stress it will be with his ex. She will say no. Then she will say yes. And she will keep this up until the day before leaving. She hates my DH and she really enjoys drama. We cannot predict whether she will let him go or not. This has happened in the past and about 50-50 she will actually let him go. But now I feel awful about all of it, like the evil stepmother. Am I being selfish to want this? Should I just try to relax & hope she actually lets him go?

From someone who was/is in your exact shoes, no, you’re not being selfish. In fact my DH invited me on a WDW trip shortly after we met. His daughter at that time was 3. HE didn’t want to bring her, let alone all the drama it would have created with his ex so it was just us. The next time we went, we brought her. She has gone with us most of the time since then.