Am I A Bad Parent???

[lil mermaid]

Absolutely!!!!! No way would I deny my child to go and comfort his classmate. I would go with my child and not with a group of friends however.

Same here. I would take her myself.

 

[Crystal0608]

No, I agree with you. Funeral homes freak me out and I prefer not walking in them at all, I have really bad dreams afterwards and I'm an adult. I am usually there long enough to pay my respects and I'm gone. I took dd with me once to a childhood friends this year but I didn't let her view the body and we were there 15-20 minutes. My grandpa died earlier this year and since we would be there a while, my kids were not allowed to go. Many other kids were there though.

 

[JimFitz]

Yes, I would let my child pay respects. Death is a fact of life, no sense in trying to avoid it.

My prayers go out to that boy.....thats going to be a hard image to get out of his head.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, I would let my child pay respects. Death is a fact of life, no sense in trying to avoid it.

My prayers go out to that boy.....thats going to be a hard image to get out of his head.

Can't even imagine the horror that boy is going thru. Prayers sent this way too....

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I had a friend whose father died when we were in fifth grade. I went to the funeral home for the visitation with my parents. I have a vivid memory of the mom giving me a hug. I don 't remember the body so it must have either been a closed casket or my parents shielded me from it. This was my first experience with a funeral home.

 

[dislal]

ITA!

OP, by any chance are you in PA or NJ? I could've sworn I saw the same exact story in the paper the other day.

OP here yes this was in PA we are about 30 minutes from Pittsburgh, this happened last Saturday. DH and I decided not to let her go, she told me that about half of her class was going to be there and the teacher and the counselor from school would be there so at least the boy had a lot of support.

 

[DVCLiz]

OP here yes this was in PA we are about 30 minutes from Pittsburgh, this happened last Saturday. DH and I decided not to let her go, she told me that about half of her class was going to be there and the teacher and the counselor from school would be there so at least the boy had a lot of support.

Would you mind sharing why you made that decision? It seems so contrary to what so many of us would do. I am just wondering what your reasons were. I'm not saying they weren't valid, but I am curious.

 

[dislal]

Would you mind sharing why you made that decision? It seems so contrary to what so many of us would do. I am just wondering what your reasons were. I'm not saying they weren't valid, but I am curious.

I think the main reason why we decided not to let her go was because DH and I decided that we wouldn't be going, and I wouldn't feel right about her going with someone else. If it was a closer friend of hers or we really knew the family I would have taken her.

 

[Jen414]

You have to do what you think is right for your daughter.

That being said, I would've taken my daughter if she expressed an interest for going.

I have a boy in my math class (5th grade) whose dad died unexpectedly at the end of October. When I went to the wake, there were several classmates there with him. They were his best buddies and I think they stayed all 4 hours with him, so I'm not sure if there were other kids that came just to pay their respects, as I left as soon as I paid mine.

As another poster said, you don't want your child's first wake to be someone you were very close to--sometimes it's easier to sort of ease your way into going to wakes if it's not someone you really know.

I coached a high school varisty cheering team for 9 years. Whenever someone connected to our team died, I would take the whole team to the funeral home to pay our respects. We would meet outside in the parking lot and all go in together as a team. Off the top of my head, we went to one girl's grandmother's, the basketball coach's brother, a 6-year old Pop Warner cheerleader who was hit by a car, and the father of a basketball player. For some kids it was really hard, and I don't particularly like to go either; however as a coach, I felt it was important for me to show that I thought paying respects to someone is important. We would always talk at practice about proper etiquette at a funeral home--what to say, what to wear, etc. and what they could expect it to be like. Sometimes when you do things as a group, it's much easier than when you do it alone. Maybe that's why she wanted to go with a group of friends. I always made going mandatory and I never once had any parents complain. Of course, this was high school and your daughter is much younger.

Again, though, you have to do what you think is right.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Yes (in my opinion).

Your daughter wanted to do something supportive and loving for a classmate in pain. And you said nope, she cannot go.

That just seems wrong to me - couldn't you have stopped by for 10 minutes, paid your respects and gone home?

Children take comfort in the support of their friends.

 

[Planogirl]

I would have taken my son at that age. I would have tried to go at the same time as the other kids and I would have stayed in the background.

That boy needs all the comfort he can get.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would encourage her to go. She wants to support her friend, and I see nothing wrong with children attending wakes and funerals. When I was her age, I remember attending a wake for a friend's little sister - very sad, but I was there for him.

 

[Jenvenza]

Yes (in my opinion).

Your daughter wanted to do something supportive and loving for a classmate in pain. And you said nope, she cannot go.

That just seems wrong to me - couldn't you have stopped by for 10 minutes, paid your respects and gone home?

Children take comfort in the support of their friends.

I agree with 100%.

It was your decision to make as a parent, but in my opinion, it was the wrong one. Your daughter wanted to go and support this poor boy and you didnt want to go, so she couldnt either? I would have supported my daughter and went with her.

To each their own though.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

11, yes. If she wants to go and be supportive, absolutly.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I think the main reason why we decided not to let her go was because DH and I decided that we wouldn't be going, and I wouldn't feel right about her going with someone else. If it was a closer friend of hers or we really knew the family I would have taken her.

HUH?

Okay, so you decided you didn't want to go. So your daughter couldn't go?

She needed your support. This was something she felt passionate about, a friend SHE wanted to support. (who care's if the class was there) that doesn't help your daughter.

I think you owe her an apology.

 

[MichelleVW]

I agree with 100%.

It was your decision to make as a parent, but in my opinion, it was the wrong one. Your daughter wanted to go and support this poor boy and you didnt want to go, so she couldnt either? I would have supported my daughter and went with her.

To each their own though.

11, yes. If she wants to go and be supportive, absolutly.

HUH?

Okay, so you decided you didn't want to go. So your daughter couldn't go?

She needed your support. This was something she felt passionate about, a friend SHE wanted to support. (who care's if the class was there) that doesn't help your daughter.

I think you owe her an apology.

I agree. If my child asked to go to a wake to comfort a friend there is no way I would tell them no. Seems a little selfish to me. I really feel it was the wrong decision.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

The OP stated this boy is NOT a friend. He is a classmate her DD does NOT know very well. Huge, huge difference.

 

[nana2tots]

My 2 Granddaughters watched their Mom take her last Breath, so i'm sure it will be ok, sometime in their young lives they will experience death. Just make sure you talk w/ them first on what to expect. It will be ok

 

[daisax]

I'm not clear on whether this is already moot or not, but I would take her.

My BIL died in a car accident a few years ago and it meant a lot to the children that their friends came to the wake/funeral. Believe me, part of the horror for kids who lose a parent when they're young is the fear that everything has changed, that they are now "different" and other kids will stare/avoid them. I can only imagine how much stronger this feeling will be for this child given the circumstances in which it happened.

Going back to school after time off for the ceremonies was hard enough... it made a HUGE difference that there were a handful of friends with whom they had already gotten the "I'm sorrys" out of the way. Even as adults we know how hard it can be after a tragedy to step back into real life where everybody knows our problems and don't know what to say -- you fear having to go over it with every.single.person the first time you interact.

We were very grateful that the kids and their parents came and paid their respects, and I don't think you can underestimate the meaning that the grieving child will give to kids showing that they still consider them friends.

I found all the children behaved very respectfully -- most kids behave quietly around adults they don't know, especially SERIOUS adults they don't know, and even by this age certainly know that good behavior is in order. In fact, I found their behavior kind of amusingly solemn (considering we're Irish and our wakes inevitably end up drifting into fairly good humored family reunions).

 

[MichelleVW]

The OP stated this boy is NOT a friend. He is a classmate her DD does NOT know very well. Huge, huge difference.

Her DD expressed an interest in going to comfort a classmate. I honestly don't see the huge huge difference in a "classmate" and a "friend" in 5th grade.

I think it shows that her DD is a sweet child that wants to be there for a classmate who is going through a horrible time. It seems like it would have been beneficial for everyone.