Am I A Bad Mom? Sorry Kinda Long

[dairyou]

DS17 has been going on almost every night anywhere from 1:30am to 4am. I trust him and he is truthful and responsible. Good kid all around except for his attitude at times.

Once he is at a friends house all is fine. What makes me worry and lose sleep is when he driving to and from a particular place. I know he's a good driver but what about the drunk drivers and such? Being a kid of course he thinks he's untouchable.

So yesterday he tells me he like to go to a friends house to swim at 4. No problem but can he be home by 11pm tonight? Sure he says. Well about 9pm he wants to go to a friends to play poker and then drive to the church fireworks booth spend the night there with the leaders and other kids. I tell him he's already been out so many times this past week I really don't want him out again. He really wants to go. I try to explain to him that it's not spending the night that bothers me but knowing he has to drive to the firework booth and him having to let me know when he leaves the poker game ect.

We get into a fight and try as I might he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. I let him spend the night at the firework booth but not go to the poker game.

The hard part is other parents don't mind their kids driving at all hours of the night and I'm the meanie. I'm trying to learn when to let go and when I'm just a worried parent.

What would you have done?

Deb

 

[Handbag Lady]

Most bad moms wouldn't know where their kid is in such detail at the age of 17.


I don't think you are a bad mom. Perhaps in the afternoon, you can pull your kid out to lunch with you and you can explain why you feel the way you do. What other parents do is of no issue.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

Most bad moms wouldn't know where their kid is in such detail at the age of 17.

Absolutely!

I agree with the advice of sitting down and talking to DS about it. Ask him what he thinks and express your concerns. Maybe you can come up with a decision together that will make both of you happy.

 

[dairyou]

It is kind of a threat. If he doesn't communicate then he looses his freedom. Believe me it's not by his choice

Deb

 

[Christine]

I am the BAD mom.

My DD (who is 17 also and just graduated high school) would love to do this.

NO WAY. It is MY car and there is NOTHING you need to do during the week each and every night at those hours. NOTHING.

My daughter must be home on week nights by 10:30 unless there is a real, true activity going on. We all work in our household and having her hanging out and coming in at "all hours" is disruptive to the family.

On weekends, she must be home by midnight.

For drivers under 18 in our state, there is a curfew and I'm betting your area has one too unless the kids are at a supervised activity. They actually enforce it here and several of my DD's male friends have had to go to court for curfew violations.

You are the parent, he is 17, I'm sure he's in your car. Tell him no.

 

[momrek06]

Most bad moms wouldn't know where their kid is in such detail at the age of 17.

My DS' are 27&23....so it has been awhile.
When they were in h.s. cell phones were pretty new in kids all having them. We got both boys cells and all we said was, call and check in. They would be around town but going from friends house to friends house. DH & I just said "let us hear from you". They would call and check in and that was that. Funny thing was so many of their friends did NOT have cells...so their Mom's would call me and ask if I heard from the kiddos and where are they now.

 

[sbell111]

You're the parent. He's the kid. Tell him what time you expect him to be home and hold him to it.

 

[LindaM]

I don't think you are being a bad mom, it seems you communicate well. But my question to my kids would be what does a 17 year old need to be out between 1 - 4 am for?

 

[sunnyday123]

what the heck is he doing sleeping overnight in a fireworks booth at church??

Did I read that wrong?

 

[Jenvenza]

I dont think you are a bad mom. But I can tell you as a mom, there would be NO WAY my 17 yo would be out from 1:30am-4am in the morning. Unless he was sleeping over at someones house. But driving around that late at night is just asking for trouble IMO. I would set a curfew and make him stick to it.

 

[momrek06]

Oh...I should have added this to my post above.....

My DS' were NOT out past midnight UNLESS sleeping over someone's house. So this 1am-4am business would not have happened at my house.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Where is your child from 1-4am? What exactly is he doing? I don't know of any churches that hold events during those hours.

 

[ols386]

You're the parent. He's the kid. Tell him what time you expect him to be home and hold him to it.

I agree with this.

And....you can talk to him until you're blue in the face, about your concern, and at this point in his life, he won't get it. I'm not saying that you shouldn't communicate with him, and let him know what you are concerned about, but like you said, he thinks he's untouchable, and will probably think that you are worrying for no reason, and that you're cramping his style.

The other thing in my mind is that, a 17-year doesn't need to be out between 1-4am. If it were my child, I'd at least tell him that he needs to be home by 11pm or so, and even earlier when school is in session, and that you do NEED to know where he is, who he is with, and what they are doing, when he is out. Who, what, where, when. And even when he turns 18, as long as he's living at your house, and you are paying the bills, etc., he still has to live by your rules. When he is adult enough to support himself, then he can move into his own place, and make HIS own rules, until then, he has to live by yours.

 

[HGD24]

I didn't have my license or a car at 17 but DH did and his parents used to tell him "Nothing good happens after 11pm. You don't need to be out that late with the car." Meaning - that's when accidents other bad things happen because kids are usually being stupid at that hour, getting drunk, horsing around, etc. It was the rule and that was it. He didn't force the issue. It was what it was.

 

[disykat]

I'm also confused about the times and why your child is about town during those hours. Our church has overnight events at times, but the kids can't just show up in the middle of the night. I would guess he is not being truthful about where he is. If a child showed up at a youth event in the middle of the night I think they'd be calling his parents.

 

[dairyou]

The fireworks have to be locked and guarded or driven back to the fireworks warehouse every night. So most fireworks booths have someone spending the night to make sure the trailer doesn't get stolen or broken into. Our band boosters have 3 firework booths so it's a pretty normal occurance here.

My son is not roaming around from 1 to 4 am. He goes to one house and usually stays there. At times he is at one persons house at 12:30am and all of a sudden all the kids want to go to another persons house. That's when he'll call and ask if he can go too. It really bothers me that these other kids just go and their parents are not concerned.

I'm trying to let go because in one year from now he's going away to college. I won't be able to control him much there

Deb

 

[sunnyday123]

The fireworks have to be locked and guarded or driven back to the fireworks warehouse every night. So most fireworks booths have someone spending the night to make sure the trailer doesn't get stolen or broken into. Our band boosters have 3 firework booths so it's a pretty normal occurance here.

My son is not roaming around from 1 to 4 am. He goes to one house and usually stays there. At times he is at one persons house at 12:30am and all of a sudden all the kids want to go to another persons house. That's when he'll call and ask if he can go too. It really bothers me that these other kids just go and their parents are not concerned.

I'm trying to let go because in one year from now he's going away to college. I won't be able to control him much there

Deb

Thanks for explaining the fireworks thing! Their illegal here so I was totally confused.

That's hard if other kids parents are letting them go, you don't want him to be the only one who can't. Peer presure stinks. Really you have to trust that he's making good, smart decisions. Although, I know when I was 17 I wasn't allowed that freedom. My parents always said there wasn't anything going on after midnight that I needed to be a part of. I couldn't wait to find out what that was!

I think especially with him going away to college, letting go a little bit now isn't a bad idea. You want to be sure when he's away he'll be making the right decisions on his own. So you won't be that creepy parent who's lurking in the bushes. Like I will be.

 

[claudia]

My DS is 18 and going to college in the fall.....
his curfew is midnight. There is no reason for him to be hanging out with friends all night....IMHO, nothing good happens after midnight.

 

[luvthatdisney]

OP - I feel your pain. We are in the exact same boat with our DS, who just turned 19 yesterday. I do have to say that he does come home on week nights by 12. A few times he has been a little later, but he is pretty good about getting here by then. Now the weekends are a totally different story...

Until he turned 18 he stayed in our small town at night and I usually knew exactally where he was, but at 18 he started hanging out with some older boys (19 & 20) and they seemed to do as they pleased. So DS thought he could too. We have had many arguments about this and I keep telling him once he has a steady job and pays his bills - I will ease up on him. But as of now he is still a teenager being mainly supported by us so he will be treated as such.

Kids these days feel they are entitled to so much - that includes mine! It is a hard line to walk with them. I so want him to be a productive adult, but I have my doubts at this point!

One thing I did do was to sign up for the family tracker service via Sprint. That is not its name, but I can remember it right now... It tracks their cell phone so I can find him at any time and its only $5 a month. He knows I can check and has a real hard time lying about where he has been. I hate to spy on him, but I do feel it is a tool I can use to keep him in line. Once he shows more responsibility I will cut that out.

Good luck - I hope I do not have these problems with my 14 y/o DD!

 

[dairyou]

Wow, a tracker. That would make me feel alot better. I can go from A to Z in a second. One minute I'll think he's on the road safe and the next second I'm worried I have to call the police to see if any accidents have happened.

He's never late and usually home on time. Like I said I totally trust him, just not the other crazies on the road. I'll talk untill I'm blue in the face about dangers that happen after midnight and it won't sink in. I know it won't either, I don't know why I keep trying

Deb