Ah, yes, the proverbial *stuff* has hit the fan!

[Beastlover]

Good for you!! Dont even ask about my situation at home with our kids. We should have taken that stand yearrrrs ago. We are making changes now, and they are learning we are not that way anymore!

Hold on...it is for the best!!

 

[ksjayhawks]

Your DH did the right thing. Your son has choices to make and he has to live with the consequences of those decisions. It is time for him to be out on his own, in a place of his own, no matter how small or awful it might be. Give him 1 month's notice. Tell him you will help him move his stuff. If he doesn't have a place by then, put his stuff outside. I would strongly recommend changing the locks to your house!

Why can't Eric stay if he is following the house rules?

Don't worry about your dd16 crying--she will survive and hopefully learn from this experience.

You and dh need to remain a united front! Don't give in!

 

[minkydog]

We have been dealing with similiar issues with our ds23. He has worked part time jobs on and off since HS grad, gone to a semester of college, but dropped his classes. So when you play tough love where do they go if they have no money? Most of his friends are in the same situation....living with parents that are not happy with the situation....I guess when you make the decision to do TL you need to be ready to face the possible consequences of putting the adult child out. We are really struggling with this.

I totally understand this. We have put up with the the disrespect for too long because we've been afraid he would be living under a bridge or worse. But there comes a time when we have to say maybe it's time for you to find other arrangements. When he won't abide by the rules, it's time to hit the road.

They can room with friends -- They can join the military (that's what I did when I was 18, and my DH, too). They can join some other organization. They can backpack through Europe and wash dishes for money. They are adults and they can figure it out on their own. If their parents are willing to let them live in their house under set conditions (like be working full time, looking for work full time, or going to school full time, etc.), they can also abide by those rules and their parents will let them live with them. The choice is all theirs because they are adults.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

Exactly.

Doesn't that come to an end soon-I think you said he started getting it in February. I think the video games can be VERY addicting and personality changing when done to excess.

It probably ends pretty soon. He started receiving unemployment in April.

My dad kicked me out when I was 20. I had lived on my own for a year and moved back for a year and a half. I deserved it, I was a little brat.

My dad gave me 10 days to get out, I was a waitress so I could make the cash. I still remember the reason my dad gave me that would allow me to move home.

He said " Baby if you get married and have children and your husband leaves you, my grandbabies will always be welcome in my home. Other than that DON'T EVEN ASK."

This was the best thing my dad ever did for me.

The same thing happend to me. My mother got fed up with my unruly and obnoxious behavior and kicked me to the curb with about 5 minutes notice. I was 20 and it was hard. But I found a room with friends(who weren't nice to me.) I found rides to work. I ate a lot of noodles. And I saved up and bought a car. It was a heady feeling when I realized that I could take care of myself. It made me very independent in a day when women were still largely dependent on men.

Your DH did the right thing. Your son has choices to make and he has to live with the consequences of those decisions. It is time for him to be out on his own, in a place of his own, no matter how small or awful it might be. Give him 1 month's notice. Tell him you will help him move his stuff. If he doesn't have a place by then, put his stuff outside. I would strongly recommend changing the locks to your house!

Why can't Eric stay if he is following the house rules?

Don't worry about your dd16 crying--she will survive and hopefully learn from this experience.

You and dh need to remain a united front! Don't give in!

Eric is staying. We've talked with him and made sure he knows that as long as he abides by the rules and stays in school he's welcome to stay. DD16 is better today. I'm pretty anxious and weepy, but I'll get through it. I wouldn't have wanted things to go this way and I've emailed John to let him know we still love him. I don't know where he is, I suspect he's at the GFs house in florida. But we're praying for him and I hope this will ultimately give him the boost he needs to get back to adult life.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Eric is staying. We've talked with him and made sure he knows that as long as he abides by the rules and stays in school he's welcome to stay. DD16 is better today. I'm pretty anxious and weepy, but I'll get through it. I wouldn't have wanted things to go this way and I've emailed John to let him know we still love him. I don't know where he is, I suspect he's at the GFs house in florida. But we're praying for him and I hope this will ultimately give him the boost he needs to get back to adult life.

This is great to hear! I know it is tough to let go, but there comes a time when as parents, we must let our kids go and let them make their own mistakes and dig themselves out. Otherwise they will never become competent adults!

 

[ksjayhawks]

Any update OP?

 

[2BigKIdz]

Oh, don't you worry about that. My son has two! One for video games - and one for cable!!

This sounds like it was meant to be, with the TV situation and all.

One thing we should find out.... does your son mind cereal bowls laying around, or hidden in places, so he doesnt have to put them in the sink - that will grow into their own science experiment?? Which will be followed by a sad lack of bowls and spoons, as they then must be thrown away?

If not - then he is the room mate for him!!

We have a 25 year old nephew, he doesn't work or go to school, he plays video games and hangs out with friends 24/7. When we go on vacations he housesits for us. He does a good job of caring for our animals, he loves animals dearly. He does however put dirty silverware and dishes back in the drawer/cabinet. He has done this as long as I can remember, I guess it is his way of "cleaning" up after himself. I mentioned it to his mom before and she said he does it at home as well. Last month we went away with my husband's other sister and somehow I brought this up in conversation. My husband refused to believe me, he just could not believe his nephew would put dirty things back in cabinets, he thought it was just too odd even for his really lazy nephew So this past weekend we went out of town and the nephew house sat as usual. Today I went to get a cereal bowl out of the cabinet and sure enough there was a dirty bowl in the cabinet, looked like he had put a-1 sauce on something. So I left the bowl on the cabinet so I could prove to my husband that indeed his nephew puts dirty dishes in with clean dishes.

So after all that I am wondering if others of the same nature do this as well? When it first started happening I was second guessing myself even though I was sure I wouldn't put something so clearly not washed in a cabinet

Seriously though, it seems like there is a whole generation of young men that don't want to do anything. We have the 25 year old nephew whose life goal is to be a professional video game player, he should be by now as much practice as he gets Our 19 year old nephew is the same, these are not brothers but cousins. He lied about his entire 2nd semester of college, didn't go 1 day. He doesn't want a job but expects to have his cell phone, internet and own car for free (and he does btw- if he was mine- no way!). I just don't get it

Both of our nieces are great, go to school, work and are responsible young ladies.

 

[minkydog]

It's been about 5-6 days since John left and things are settling down. He has not received our calls, and I don't know whether he looked at the emails. He has been in touch with Eric and Eleni, though. John has moved in with his GF in Florida, so at least he's off the street. I guess he can mooch off her until she kicks him out.

I have been very anxious and agitated all week, but i'm settling down some. I have some anxiety disorders & depression, so this has put me into a bit of a spin. I would have wished for him to leave under more positive circumstances, but it was his choice. I told DH I'm going to give it 2 weeks and then I'm painting his room yellow and turning it into a sewing & crafts room. At any rate, I've cleaned the room up pretty well in anticipation of putting down some flooring next week. We'll have to move all his stuff out for that anyway and I think I'm just going to move it all into the storage area. If John comes back and wants his stuff, it will all be there in Rubbermaid totes(makes it easy to take the stuff and leave in a huff, again.)

DH is taking me up to the mountains this weekend for a long weekend camping trip. None of the kids wants to come, We'll have Christian, our 14yo, but even with his disabilities he's much easier to travel with. No griping about food, the fire, the rain,or his bedtime. It will be a negotiation-free weekend.

 

[HunnyPots]

It's been about 5-6 days since John left and things are settling down. He has not received our calls, and I don't know whether he looked at the emails. He has been in touch with Eric and Eleni, though. John has moved in with his GF in Florida, so at least he's off the street. I guess he can mooch off her until she kicks him out.

I have been very anxious and agitated all week, but i'm settling down some. I have some anxiety disorders & depression, so this has put me into a bit of a spin. I would have wished for him to leave under more positive circumstances, but it was his choice. I told DH I'm going to give it 2 weeks and then I'm painting his room yellow and turning it into a sewing & crafts room. At any rate, I've cleaned the room up pretty well in anticipation of putting down some flooring next week. We'll have to move all his stuff out for that anyway and I think I'm just going to move it all into the storage area. If John comes back and wants his stuff, it will all be there in Rubbermaid totes(makes it easy to take the stuff and leave in a huff, again.)

DH is taking me up to the mountains this weekend for a long weekend camping trip. None of the kids wants to come, We'll have Christian, our 14yo, but even with his disabilities he's much easier to travel with. No griping about food, the fire, the rain,or his bedtime. It will be a negotiation-free weekend.

Bolded part: You should totally do it - you deserve it after all you've put up with! And you will be amazed at how good it feels to have a space of your own!

 

[RNMOM]

OP, I thought I could have written your story myself. Our oldest, 24, has no job and spends all night on the internet. He also has a pitsty for a room and on and on and on.

We keep setting limits but somehow we are still in the same situation. DH is traveling most of the time and I can't force this stuff on my own. I'm ready to move out.

 

[Andy B]

So you treat him like a kid and then are surprised when he acts like one.

 

[BelleWDW]

I'm blown away that the OP is laughing about the situation

I work with a 50 year old man that is one step from homeless-and visualize this is how YOUR son will end up. He owns NOTHING and lives in a sort of remodeled shed in a couple's backyard-no car-another person drives him to work.

To happily plan the color of your future CRAFT ROOM while your son will end up being a bum on the streets is blowing my mind.

 

[GrumpyOne]

IMO, much better for him to learn life's tough lessons while the parents are still alive to assist if he gets in really hot water, than to coddle until they pass on where he then has to learn those same lessons without a safety net.

 

[Darsa]

To happily plan the color of your future CRAFT ROOM while your son will end up being a bum on the streets is blowing my mind

Soooo... she is supposed to enable her son for the rest of her life then, so that he can have all his cozy stuff for nothing and never learn that he's a grownup and needs to make his own way?

I can't understand how you can't understand...

 

[PatsGirl]

OP, good for you and your husband, we need more parents like you ROOTS and WINGS, that is our job!

Been there, done that... DS walked out half way through his senior year, just a few weeks after turning 18. I always told him that when he no longer wanted to follow the house rules, the door was open and he took it to heart Of course, he was back before the end of the school year, in time for me to help out with prom expenses and throw him a graduation rotfl:

Both my kids were/are told that they can stay home until Labor Day after high school graduation at which point they are expected to start college, get an apartment, or otherwise start their "adult" lives. DS had considered a few colleges but opted to join the Air Force and is doing great. DD is just going into 7th grade and has begun thinking about what she will do once she graduates. Can't say I didn't give them plenty of notice

 

[Camicar]

Kudos for you for giving your child what he needs -- a swift kick in the pants.

 

[KirstenB]

I'm blown away that the OP is laughing about the situation

I work with a 50 year old man that is one step from homeless-and visualize this is how YOUR son will end up. He owns NOTHING and lives in a sort of remodeled shed in a couple's backyard-no car-another person drives him to work.

To happily plan the color of your future CRAFT ROOM while your son will end up being a bum on the streets is blowing my mind.

If she doesn't do everything within her power to push John toward independence, I can guarantee you he'll be living in a shed. Seriously, unless the OP is immortal, John WILL be on his own at some point. Better for him to learn how to live independently while he's young.

Minky, you know I love ya, and have got your back!!

 

[powellrj]

I'm blown away that the OP is laughing about the situation

I work with a 50 year old man that is one step from homeless-and visualize this is how YOUR son will end up. He owns NOTHING and lives in a sort of remodeled shed in a couple's backyard-no car-another person drives him to work.

To happily plan the color of your future CRAFT ROOM while your son will end up being a bum on the streets is blowing my mind.

I'm confused. The OP is helping her DS NOT to be a bum at 50, by making him take responsibility now.

Good for you OP, have a wonderful vacation with your DH and DS!

 

[Tuffcookie]

minkydog,



Have a wonderful get-away!

TC

 

[SNylund]

Might as well "shock" them now with the reality of the real world. It takes a LOT of $$$$ to live in this world unfortunately, house payment, car payment, insurance, light bill, phone bill, water bill, wastewater bill, internet, cable etc., etc.

The sooner they get the shock of the real world isn't free and mommy and daddy ain't gonna be handing you everything on a silver platter forever, the better off they'll be. They have to grow up sometime.

 

[disney1990]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear that you went through all of this.

Did you start out by asking your son to pay part of his unemployment to you as "rent" for his room -- before the big blowup? I agree that, if he lives there, he needs to help do the work around the house. If he started on unemployment in April, he probably has until next April before it runs out.

I can totally understand your teaching him to be responsible (my sister's son is the same way and it drives me crazy), but demanding that your son get a job right now is probably a hard thing to expect. Jobs are so hard to come by - they announced today that we now have the highest unemployment in 26 years -- count me as one of those.

I sincerely hope that everything works out for you and your son. I have a good friend that kicked her daughter out. She fell deeply into drugs and is now living on the street in Baltimore. It's a scary world out there!

Take care and keep up updated.