Aging Parents and Family Obligations

[Marseeya]

I'm just curious as to what you all feel your obligations are to your aging parents or other relatives. Will you move in with them or have them move in with you when they can't live on their own any longer? Financial support? Nursing or retirement home?

This is becoming an issue in my own life now and I was wondering if anyone else had to face these decisions.

Last year, my mother got extremely ill and was hospitalized for a few months. My sister and I had to make some difficult decisions and it was so hard trying to come up with an agreement we were comfortable with.

For my part, I absolutely refuse to be my parents' caregiver or to live with them. I'll do everything in my power to help them get what they need, but I can't be the one to give it. My sister pretty much feels the same way, but I think she would actually try to be a caregiver at least for a little while. They were extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to me my whole life, but I'm still wracked with guilt that I can't do more for them without compromising my own peace of mind.

 

[luvwinnie]

My parents are/were wonderful. After my mom passed away in July 2004, my dad moved in with us. He's just not the type that would do well alone and I could NEVER live with myself if I didn't do all I could for the person who worked his whole life to give me a good life and who would do anything for me and my siblings and who took such good care of my mom when she was ill. Also, I know my mom would have wanted it that way. Her mom lived with us. It's what we do in my family.

But if my parents were abusive, then no, I don't think I'd be able to live with them.

 

[C.Ann]

They were extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to me my whole life, but I'm still wracked with guilt that I can't do more for them without compromising my own peace of mind.

-------------------

I think you have your answer right there.. I don't believe that parents "deserve" respect - I believe it's "earned" - and it sounds like your parents didn't quite live up to their duties and obligations..

Sometimes you just have to do what's best for you - and in this case, you know what that is..

 

[punkin]

My parents are dead and my MIL could rot in the streets before I took her in.

 

[joksten2000]

My Mother died in Nov 1999. A wonderful Mother, and has left my sister and I with a real problem. Good old Dad was always a boozer, Mom kept him in check most of the time. He's diabetic and loves his daily trips to the army/navy club. I get him coffee and donuts in the morning, pay the bills his money I have poa & the house is in my name. He's not a nice man, my sister stops every once in a while. Would never take him into my home, never! Since my mother died not once has he said to buy anyone presents at Xmas or their birthdays, but God forbid you don't get him something. Sometimes I wish it were Mom that was alive but then again she was queen of the guilt trip. He's why I don't touch alcohol to this day and I'm 62. I'm afraid it's into a nursing home for him. You have to do what's best for you, you can bet I treat my kids good.

 

[NMAmy]

I've recently been through a similar situation. A few years ago, my father had some severe heart problems and a blood clot from poor circulation caused him to lose a leg. I was living in NM and my parents lived in Michigan. I was having a hard time going back and forth. DH and I decided to move to Michigan--my sister lived in Michigan but was 1 and 1/2 hours away. I now live 10 minutes from my mom's house.

My dad recovered and I was able to spend a lot of time with both my parents . He had a stroke two years ago and never recovered. I'm glad I was nearby to help my mom to care for him. Since then, I've helped my mom financially--she'd never ask me for money but I've done things like pay for a cruise and new carpeting for the house, things she couldn't afford on her own.

Mom is in great shape physically (the woman can run me ragged) but when the time comes, she can either move in with us or we can get someone to come into her home and assist her with me visiting every day. She's told me she doesn't want to live with any of her kids--she doesn't want to be a burden--but we'll just have to go with it.

I've always had a good relationship with my parents (well, great with my dad always--my mom and I have resolved our issues since I moved back) and I want to repay them for everything they've done for me in my life. I can understand not wanting to do that for abusive parents--I think you reap what you sow.

Being in the sandwich generation is exhausting but I hope my mom will be around for a long time yet--she's 72.

 

[Tigger_Magic]

I believe each family has to do what is right for them; there is no one-size-fits-all solution. In my case, we had to move my dad into a retirement community when it became obvious he could no longer live alone. He refused to have a caregiver, either full- or part-time, so we researched a number of options and selected the best match for him. Because he had Alzheimer's, he needed extra care that I was not capable of giving him.

 

[bcvillastwo]

Been there done that with both sets of parents. Neither of us had abusive parents but the men folk held some strong opinions. Her dad lived with us for a bit, it was difficult, so difficult he moved into a retirement home. From there he "recovered" moved back to his home state and happily prospered on his own for a few years before passing. My dad required a good deal of care before he passed but that was for just a short period of time.

For me pesonally, the first option was to help them in any way I could which included living with us if necessary. As I said above that option is not without its problems. But no option is totally problem free but that is what family is all about.

I have heard stories about families who were on the outs getting closer in times like these and I've heard that it caused even greater problems for everyone.

Yep, I am dancing around a bit. Why? Because how we deal with our aging parents is a very personal thing that can be affected by personalities, past events, current needs, etc. There simply is no one size fits all solution. At the end of the day you have to weight the facts as you see them, examine your emotions and your heart, and then make the best decision for you and your family.

Wishing you well

 

[Crankyshank]

Well my parents are only 50 and 54 so we have a while yet to deal with this. My sister and I have decided that Mom is going to live with my brother and my Dad is going to split his time between myself and my sister to do assorted handyman work. Dad approves this plan provided he's allowed to sit at the end of the driveway and wave to passers by.

My in-laws are in their late 60's/early 70's with no savings, no retirement funds, and they are in poor health. In addition they are supporting my younger SIL and raising her two young children. Discussing the future is taboo with their family and quite honestly I don't foresee us contributing to them financially because that would in turn mean supporting my SIL and that's not going to happen.

 

[jbdreamer]

When my Great Grandfater got sick and was told he'd only have a year left to live, my Grandparents moved in with him. He ended up living 15 years. He was very hard on them. It was tiering hard work, and they lost 15 years of their own retirement. Now they regret ever doing it.

My Grandmother has back problems now and can't travel now, like she had planned to spend her retirement. She told my mother she would never do the same to her. It kind of is an unsaid thing im my family now that the childern are not going to take in the parents, it's just too hard, and unfair. Our family has seen what a toal it takes. My parents & Grandparents already know that if the time comes, they will be living in a home.

I told my MIL this and she was suprized and offended. Sorry, but it's the truth.

 

[chrissyk]

I am disgusted as I watch my own parents approach retirement age while still bending over backwards to care for my mom's abusive father and "helpless" mother. This is how our life always was...it revolved around those 2. I've accepted my parents have given their lives over to someone who abused my mother. I've also noticed that my father is starting to talk like he expects us to do the same for him.

My parents are competent enough and financially stable enough to plan for their own long-term care now. If they choose not to do so, then the best that I can do is to choose their care for them and visit them in the home. I will NOT put my future kids in the position of catering to their grandparents the way that my parents did to us.

 

[froglady]

When my Great Grandfater got sick and was told he'd only have a year left to live, my Grandparents moved in with him. He ended up living 15 years. He was very hard on them. It was tiering hard work, and they lost 15 years of their own retirement. Now they regret ever doing it.

My Grandmother has back problems now and can't travel now, like she had planned to spend her retirement. She told my mother she would never do the same to her. It kind of is an unsaid thing im my family now that the childern are not going to take in the parents, it's just too hard, and unfair. Our family has seen what a toal it takes. My parents & Grandparents already know that if the time comes, they will be living in a home.

I told my MIL this and she was suprized and offended. Sorry, but it's the truth.

Thank you. You're one of the few people to mention the toll it takes on the caregivers, both physical and emotional. (nevermind any financial issues)

My aunt (and uncle) took care of my grandfather from age 60 until he died at age 88. My aunt died 4 years after he did; my uncle lived for another 20 years. They were never able to go anywhere, as my mother had five children and worked full time, so couldn't help.

I attended a "caring for your aging parents class" with a man who, along with his wife, cared for his mother in their home as long as possible, then placed her in a home where he was able to have lunch with her daily, take her on outings, etc. He's been dead two years, and she's still going strong.

It DOES take a toll on your family. My father became ill when DD was a junior. DH took her to look at colleges, etc while I stayed home with Dad (and mom) The demands on my time were even greater in her senior year, so it went by in a blur.

Yes, I'm glad I can help, and I would regret turning my back on my mother, but I also regret the time taken away from my husband and children. I can't go on vacation without arranging care, I can't go to DH's relatives for holidays because I can't leave mother alone, and every day gets harder as she continues to decline.

I don't know how much longer she'll be with us, but quite frankly, I'm reaching an age when I'm not sure how much longer DH or I will be around.

 

[Arielle22]

My dad died when I was 17 and my fil died when dh was 18. My mom died 10 years ago from cancer. The last 6 weeks of her life she was in a nursing home. Before that she spent 5 months with me. My 7 siblings paid me to stay home with her. Since my dd had just been born and was ill also it worked out well.

About 5 years ago my MIL had a massive stroke. She recovered enough to spend 2 years in assisted living. She had bought insurance so it was paid for. About 2 years ago she started to go downhill and moved in with us. She spent 1 year with us. During that time she gave us money each month until she was put on some heavy duty meds that she didn't have insurance for. At that time it switched to all her money to meds and we paid for anything else she needed. She progressed to a point that she is now in a nursing home. It is mental issues with her as well as physical. Unfortunately there is no way I could care for her in my home.

Now I had a great aunt who I started looking after when I was 18. She was my mom;s aunt but my mom had her hands full with my younger siblings and my grandmother. My g-aunt was the meanest person. When my mom became ill she accused her of faking. I moved my g-aunt into the apt under mine so that I could look after her. Every day she complained that I moved her out of her town. Well, the apt had been in her sister's name and when her sister entered a nursing home the landlord kicked her out. Then I bought a house and moved my g-aunt with me. She lasted 4 months. When she hit me while I was pregnant and told me she hoped my child died, it was time for a nursing home. Then she called the police and told them my dh was hitting her and we were throwing her out in the street. So I had to explain to a social worker what was going on.

She lived in the nursing home about 12 years and died in April at 103. Several weeks before she died, she began to go downhill and I would get phone calls from the home. After one, my 12 yr old dd said to me "Mommy is it still true that N. is so evil that hell doesn't want her?" She remembered me saying that about 5 yrs ago.

OP, do whatever you think is best. I always remember that my g-aunt sucked up my time and energy but she never took care of anyone in her life. She never married or had children. My mom and MIL I love and never minded taking care of.

3 of my siblings have no children. So my sister always tells my girls, I'm being nice to you, you're picking my nursing home.

 

[Marseeya]

Some of these stories are so sad to me! I really have the utmost admiration for those of you who are caregivers.

Jbdreamer, you mention the toll all this has on people and I agree so much. I have an uncle on my mom's side whose sole purpose in life was to care for his parents, my grandparents. He never had a career and his life belonged to them. This uncle has an unusually (unnatural too, if you ask me) strong bond with my mother, to the point of excluding my dad and us kids (when we were growing up, I mean). My dad despises my uncle as a result and my sister and I aren't too fond of him either. Well, guess what? Now that he's getting old, my mother's trying to force my sister and I to do more for him because it's our responsibility -- after all, he did take care of my grandparents all those years. Just today I told my mother that I'd take him to the doctor next week, but that we weren't making a habit of it -- sorry, but I just can't. I've got my hands full enough. She's peeved, to put it mildly.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, but about the toll. My dad has had 3 heart attacks in his life and he's not in very good shape himself, but my mother is running him into the ground. She's literally killing him and there's nothing we can do. My sister and I have offered to pay for a housekeeper for them, but she insists she won't have any stranger in her house. She's demanding and verbally abusive to my dad. Over the years she's emasculated him. I know darn well if my sister or I tried caring for her, she'd use us up until there's nothing left.

This might be awful to say, but I'm glad to see I'm not alone. Sad, but glad.

 

[4greatboys]

When my mom was really sick she moved in with my grandma who lived right next door to her but I helped take care of her a lot.
Now my grandma is getting along in age--she is 76 so we have been thing of building a house right next to hers so we can take care of her. Since my mom passed on my aunt is left of her children and she lives out of town.
Would I take in my inlaws? yes Would I like it? Probably not

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

We're going through this right now--my mother is difficult on her best day--bipolar, legally blind, had both knees replaced. She had a psychotic episode over the summer that required long hospitalization, and my sister and I (our brothers really aren't involved at all) agreed she needed to be in an assisted living facility. My sister feels some guilt--she lives closest, I mostly provide emotional support. But Sis's house isn't designed for a person with our mom's needs, not to mention, Mom's difficult on her best day and now has dementia on top of the other things. But people are right about the physical and emotional toll it can take--Sis is able to visit our mom with a smile, rather than being burned out from round the clock care.

My mom is the reason I left at 17 and never looked back--it killed me to leave my dad, we were very close. He's since died, but Sis and I agreed that we would have never put him in a home--he would be with me. But not my mom, I have to protect my kids.

I don't feel I owe her anything financially, when Mom's money runs out, she'll be on Medicare. But I will make sure she gets a few "luxuries" along the way. I don't hate her, I just can't shoulder the burden that she is. And my kids come first.

It's never an easy thing, and for us, it's still evolving. You must look in your heart and see what's best for your circumstances. I wish you the best.

 

[Disney Doll]

DH's parents both passed and we cared for them in their home. DFIL got sick first, was sick about 2 months, DMIL was sick at the time but not admititng it because she had to care for DFIL, but she wasn't as spry as she used to be so we (we being my DH, me, DSILs & their husbands and DAunt) picked up the slack. DFIL died, DMIL started to go downhill physically, hung in for a few months to get his headstone all set and then she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The group noted above took turns caring for her in her own home...we would sit down at the end of every month and schedule shifts for the next month, one DSIL stayed overnight. DMIL was supposed to have about 4-6 weeks to live...she ended up living 3 months. I am glad we cared for them. They were always very good to DH & I.

My parents are 79, in good health for their age, pretty spry, independent, still live in their own house. I would be happy to add on an in-law apt. for them to live here, but my mother is against that...doesn't want to be a burden. Right now they still live in their own house. If something happened to my mother, my father would move in with me in a heartbeat. If somehting happened to my father, I don't know what my mother would do.

 

[Chris2597]

I took care of my dad until he died 10 yrs ago.....then my mom got sick and we are still caring for her. Thankfully I live very close to them....and my mom is still in her home, now at 86. My ds20 stays at her house at night and I go over a couple of times a day. She broke her hip last April and with all of our help she is back at home. I hired a lady to help her a few times a week...There have been times when I was overwhelmed with the level of care I had to give....right now things have calmed down a bit, but I feel like I am always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop....I agree with the other posters that said it takes a toll on the family. I have missed several of my children's school events because mom or dad was sick and needed me....sat in countless drs offices and hopsitals for hours, and cancelled vacations because they needed me....I have two sibs that are much older than I am..are retired, no kids..they dont live nearby and I never expected them to give the level of care I give, but in all of these years havent once offered to lift a finger to help....
My children are pretty much grown up and dh and I could pick up and take spur of the moment trips but the planning for mom is so much that we usually just say it isnt worth it...Another poster said they feel like their childrens childhoods are a blur....I have to agree....so much of the time I was trying to juggle caring for sick/elderely parents that I hurried through life with my kids when they were little.....I was the room parent, baseball mom, but I never took the time to relish what I was doing because I was always in "go" mode, thinking about what the next thing that day I had to do....
I wish I had insisted early on that my older sibs shared in some of the care, at least to reprive us for a yearly family vacation but I didnt....I thought I could do it all....I did do it all but I wonder if it was worth the price I had to pay....and the things I gave up to be the caregiver....Sometimes I even feel that I shortchanged my mom because of burn out and being task oriented, instead of lovingly visiting her I am busy the entire time I am at her home....I know she would love it if I would just sit down and chat...I do sometimes, but I usually have 20 other things to do before the end of the day.......I have to rationlize that there is just so much time in a day and I had to do that to get it all done....
My mom and dad were wonderful parents and awesome grandparents (especially when they were young and energetic)....and that is what keeps me going....I know how hard it is to care for wonderful sick/elderely parents so I cant imagine caring for parents that were abusive...That would be one hard thing and probably impossible to do well.
I dont know what I am going to do if she gets to the point of not being able to be in her own home...I just dont know if I have it in me to step up to the next level of caregiving.

 

[chrissyk]

Some of these stories are so sad to me! I really have the utmost admiration for those of you who are caregivers.

Jbdreamer, you mention the toll all this has on people and I agree so much. I have an uncle on my mom's side whose sole purpose in life was to care for his parents, my grandparents. He never had a career and his life belonged to them. This uncle has an unusually (unnatural too, if you ask me) strong bond with my mother, to the point of excluding my dad and us kids (when we were growing up, I mean). My dad despises my uncle as a result and my sister and I aren't too fond of him either. Well, guess what? Now that he's getting old, my mother's trying to force my sister and I to do more for him because it's our responsibility -- after all, he did take care of my grandparents all those years. Just today I told my mother that I'd take him to the doctor next week, but that we weren't making a habit of it -- sorry, but I just can't. I've got my hands full enough. She's peeved, to put it mildly.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, but about the toll. My dad has had 3 heart attacks in his life and he's not in very good shape himself, but my mother is running him into the ground. She's literally killing him and there's nothing we can do. My sister and I have offered to pay for a housekeeper for them, but she insists she won't have any stranger in her house. She's demanding and verbally abusive to my dad. Over the years she's emasculated him. I know darn well if my sister or I tried caring for her, she'd use us up until there's nothing left.

This might be awful to say, but I'm glad to see I'm not alone. Sad, but glad.

About taking your uncle to the Dr...do it once, and your mother will expect you to make a habit of it. You have to keep very good boundaries about that stuff. People like this will try to take a mile if you give them an inch. My mother tried the same thing with me regarding my grandparents. I refused to "help". The truth was that she needed help enabling my grandparents to walk all over everyone, and I just couldn't participate in that. Once everyone started refusing to "help," she saw the light and put my grandfather in a nursing home (where he belonged a good 10 years ago at least). I know what you mean about the odd relationships between some family members and how much that can affect spouses and kids, too. Believe me, I knew that the hierarchy in my family consisted of my grandparents first and everyone else second, and I resented every ounce of life that they sucked out of my parents, my sister and myself growing up. My grandmother once had the audacity to ask me why my parents, my sister and I never did anything as a family unit Gee, I wonder why

I also think that it's totally common for these older people not to want "outsiders" to provide them with services (such as housecleaning). Believe me, my grandparents refused this flat-out, and my parents would do the same. They honestly believe that family should have to do those things for them. Sadly, my parents don't seem to understand that my grandparents can believe whatever they want and that they don't have to give in to those demands.

 

[Stitchfans]

My parents are dead and my MIL could rot in the streets before I took her in.

My dad is still alive, but he is doing well and happily re-married. Mom is gone. I always swore neither one would see a day in a nursing home. Also said the same of in laws if and when I got married. FIL God rest his soul I would of taken in at a heart beat. AS punkin said- MIL could rot in the streets before I took her in. Her daughters didn't even want her and she is now living in a retirement home that a doctor made up. It is a refurbished house with two other senior citizens and a caretaker. She is so cold and nasty the other two sc won't have anything to do with her. So she spends her days sleeping or
watching tv