Aging parents 700 miles away - suggestions, ideas?

[ilovediznee]

I wasn't sure who to ask and then said "my DIS friends can help with this."

First, the players in all this. Myself (41), my husband (46), our DD (9) - we live in SC; my sister (46), her husband and their two boys - live in Maine and one of the sons is autistic. Mom and Dad live in NJ near the shore. Dad will be 80 and Mom will be 75 both in January.

You never think of your parents as "getting older" but sure enough, they are! Mom and Dad have a good foundation on their money and such and we have a list of neighbors (somewhere), but has anyone dealt with the "I must have a book with me with all this information, what to do with the house, etc." They also have all their funeral stuff decided and paid for.

It is easier for me to travel than my sister, but let's face it, sometime SOMETHING is going to happen. I think we need a journal or book that has everything in it and my sister and I need the same exact thing so if we are on the phone we can easily get the same info.

My mom is going to visit my sister in a few weeks and we want to discuss it before she arrives. I'm almost thinking of designing a book for my Mom and Dad to fill out of what we need when the time comes.

Any suggestions or books you might recommend would be greatly appreciated. The bottom line is that "yes" we have information, but we need more and need it all in one place I think.

 

[disykat]

We "exchanged" information with my parents quite a few years ago with my parents. I think it was about the time we made our will. I haven't really looked at it and I don't think they looked at mine either, we just stashed it in our filing cabinets in case of emergency.

Could you say that you were doing some paperwork and it was suggested that you give copies of that info to a relative to hold in case of emergency. You and your sister can then suggest you all exchange that important information.

 

[C.Ann]

I think I've seen these types of books on line.. AARP maybe? They are more of a "booklet" type thing - where all of the necessary info is written in.. Are your parents members? If they are - and they are available on the AARP site perhaps they could purchase one (or you could pay for it) and make a few photo copies so everyone has one..

Seems like I saw them someplace else as well, but I can't remember where right now..

It's a good idea!

 

[blissventure]

We "exchanged" information with my parents quite a few years ago with my parents. I think it was about the time we made our will. I haven't really looked at it and I don't think they looked at mine either, we just stashed it in our filing cabinets in case of emergency.

Could you say that you were doing some paperwork and it was suggested that you give copies of that info to a relative to hold in case of emergency. You and your sister can then suggest you all exchange that important information.

I think this is a nice way to handle a sensitive subject. Maybe the best way to open a discussion like this would be for OP and Sis to give their parents their basic info--shouldn't need to be more than a few pages with account #'s and details, and a copy of their wills.
I'm only 49 but I have two adult children, 24 and 26. I was trying to think how I would feel in years to come if they asked me to fill out a book with our info. (Knowing they would have good intentions.)
I'd probably just give them the basics, and wouldn't fill out something lengthy. Don't know if that helps OP or not. Just my 2 cents.

 

[RadioNate]

there is a book like this. I totally can not think of what it is but it is like a baby book where you fill in the important info. I think it might have been an Oprah thing years ago.

I'll keep looking.

 

[C.Ann]

there is a book like this. I totally can not think of what it is but it is like a baby book where you fill in the important info. I think it might have been an Oprah thing years ago.

I'll keep looking.

Good to know I wasn't "imagining" it - LOL.. I don't have a "book" (I'm a widow), but all of the necessary info is together in a large manila envelope in my DD's families fireproof safe.. I won't be 60 until the fall, but you never know.. Better safe than sorry..

 

[Aristomommy]

In my area we have what are called "Office on Aging" which has valuable resources on these types of issues. I have referred some patients there and the advice and referral services are amazing. I wonder if your parents might have similar in their city. They help with finding a home heath aides, meal on wheels etc. as well as document preparation or advice to family members from social workers.

Before you meet with your parents, do some homework and think of what you need at this time to help your parents. I have experienced how one incident such as a fall has a tremendous affect on a person and how things can be fine one day and totally different the next day. I don't wish this on anyone, but it is good to be prepared in case a parent far away should need help.

 

[CPT Tripss]

There are some good topics for info to gather and keep up to date at this site - http://www.axa-equitable.com/parents/caring-for-parents.html

I know it is an insurance site, but they do list out a lot of good stuff. You might find similar info on other insurance company sites. Also, talk to your parents about durable power of attorney . . . it was invaluable to me as my Dad started to need help.

NJ has a good network of County Offices Of Aging . . . do make an effort to contact the appropriate one. http://www.state.nj.us/health/senior/sanjease.shtml
It might also be wise to check locally too . . . the Office in your area may well have materials that will help you.

 

[zumbergc]

are you wanting to know what accounts and where their monies are stashed?
Confirm they have beneficiaries for all monies, type of monies everywhere. Besides the spouse have a second person, persons listed, in the event they die in a car crash together.
Are you wanting to talk about their wills?

Do they have a living will. Do they have a medical power of attorny, a regular power of attorney (thing legal, monies).

Or are you wanting to know what there opinions are on end of life things, like aided food, machines for breathing, what if their brain dead? Do the want a dnr if a terminal illness occurs.

Or are you wondering who will take care of them, when one is incapacitated, or would they go to a retirement community, nursing home.

You need to know who would be named the executor, after the 2nd has passed, I would assume monies would go to the spouse when the first passes, and then up to the siblings depending on what the will says.

Are you talking about selling the house and its items, or auctioning off all the house hold things that none of the siblings want. What big ticket items do you and your sibling want, put in will etc.

Besides the funeral preperation, did they do the church service stuff too, reading, etc, pall bearers, etc.

not a fun topic to discuss, but its important all the children know what the parents want at end of life decisions... that way when one is sick a child isn't wanting something different than what the parents had decided.