Advice to a child regarding mean kids

[piratesmate]

Interesting, holycow. I was reading through the responses thinking about my 2 & all the times they were picked on, bullied or made fun of by the "cool" kids. Both are the kind to stick up for someone else when it happens to them & just don't understand why kids are so cruel.

Anyway, DS was always very popular, but took a lot of abuse related to his ADD (w/o hyperactivity). When we finally let him start TaeKwon-Do in 4th grade it was the best thing that we ever did for him . . . and it had nothing to do with being able to do something about physical abuse. The change in his self-esteem was enormous! He stopped worrying about the other kids not liking him because he liked himself better.

I have to admit, though, that I found out when he was in high school that a couple of his good friends let it be known that DS had earned his black belt. According to the friends, word got out & no one was willing to take the chance on teasing/bullying/etc in DS's presence after that.

Deb

 

[Jeafl]

piratesmate, I was going to say the same thing. My nephew is just one of those kids that naturally gets picked on. My sister enrolled him in Tae kwon Do and the change in him is amazing! He has a great sense of self esteem, and has a lot more confidence. Once he felt more confident, the kids started treating him differently. It was the best thing that could have happened to him.

I've been fortuante in that none of my kids has been continually picked on, but once in middle school, EVERYONE is fair game. My 14 yr. old is fairly popular, but she was picked on for having a crease ironed into her jeans, wearing a shirt with a Mudd logo, and many other insignificant things. The saddest part is that the girls that picked on her were her friends! Fortunately she is a very confident girl and it didn't really get her down for long.

 

[Piglet]

My 6 yo DD is in Kindergarten this year has been called fat and chubby. She has a large liver from a metabolic disease that makes her belly bigger than normal. I told her that those kids that tease her say things because they don't feel good about themselves and that maybe they have parents that aren't interested in them very much and that we should really feel sorry for those kids. She understood and didn't seem to worry too much more about it. Things have cooled off now and she is looking forward to 1st grade.

I hope that is as bad as it will get, but I really have a feeling we are just getting started.

Piper -- That is a wonderful idea about the friendship book. I am taking on a Girl Scout Browine Troop next year and might just use that as an activity for them. Thanks!!!!

Melinda

 

[Trish Bessette]

This is an excellent thread as so many children experience this. I am currently working with the Principal of our school for doing some kind of "bullying" exercise the first day of school this coming fall. It is a problem that is in every school.

I agree whole heartily with Kallison. Parents need to be active in their childrens school. My children are in 3rd grade and Kindergarten. I take vacation days from work to spend time in their classrooms while being President of the PTO. I understand this is difficult for some but the rewards is amazing. You get to know what is going on in school and you get to know the kids. We can't worry or complain about this problem while not doing anything.

My daughter has experienced the same with other girls excluding her every now and then. It breaks my heart. I keep emphasizing to her not to treat others that way.

And you can bet that I am keeping a close eye while I'm at their school. Any kid I find being rude, I'll let them know it.

 

[snoopy]

Such sad stories on this thread.

The argument is often made that kids will be cruel no matter what the schools do, that we have to allow them to find their own way. But I wonder, how responsible are schools for making sure that the whole Elementary/Middle School/High School experience is not one big popularity dog and pony show? The only experience I have with this were my own schools, who were wildly in favor of giving the "in crowd" special privileges and teachers that perpetuated the popularity of certain groups. My kids are little, and I haven't noticed this yet, the kids all seem relatively nice to one another still, and the teachers seem to do a good job of making a big deal out of each child's particular talents. I'm hoping schools have come a long way since I was in school in that all groups (i.e., drama club, debate club, chess club) are recognized and sanctioned in the same way as the more glorified groups (i.e., cheerleading, football team, school officers). I think we would see a lot less of the bullying as a result.

BTW, for all of you who have daughters in the middle/high school years going through the endless round of being in and out of the in-crowd, I'd recommend the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees". I read it because my niece was experiencing all types of problems like this in her freshman year of high school, and she had come to live with us for the summer. Its all about power politics in the middle and high school years. It mostly focuses on girls, but not exclusively. Its very interesting, and has a lot of concrete suggestions for getting your kid through with a minimum of bloodshed.

 

[MAC3]

It's so heartwrenching watching your children have to go through such catty things. It happens to my DD too. She's 11 and in private school.
Bad seeds are everywhere and it hurts.

My only hope is that the "Bully's" conscience bothers them for what they did later on in life. My sympathies to every parent that has to watch their children suffer with this. Hopefully it passes soon.

 

[BedKnobbery2]

My oldest DS (now 11) had a HUGE problem with an older boy picking on him a lot. I went through all the standard responses to him, and finally one day when I was fed up, I said to him "Honey, Victor is just an (expletive). He will probably *always* be an (expletive). His picking on you has nothing to do with you, but with how bad he feels about himself."

Now, my son knew a couple of things from this little speech. First of all, he knew I was upset and serious about it, because I never swear in conversations with my kids. So it drove home the point to him that there was nothing wrong with HIM, that this was the other kid's issue. That seemed to take the sting out of it for him; instead of taking it personally, he started thinking "Oh, Victor's being a jerk again." and just ignoring him. Victor will still occasionally try to get a rise out of him, but largely leaves him alone.

*sigh* It is heart-breaking, though. I have always, always, always told my kids that above all else, treat other people with kindness. It seems to have stuck; both of their teachers comment on how helpful and kind they are to other kids, which is nice to hear.

Good luck with your situation, I can so feel for your child.

Hugs,
BK

 

[mom2boys]

DS2 came home with marks on his arm today because his seatmate on the bus pinched him several time. This kid is one of those who can't keep his hands to himself. DS won't change seats because the seats are assigned & he was afraid he'd get itno trouble. I assured him that he may change seats if someone his hurting him. I told him I will make sure he is not punished for that. However, I am debating on whether I should call the principal and get his seat changed. Ironically another child had his seat changed last week over something with this same kid. My kids are new to this school and I don't want to make things worse. DH wants to talk to DS before I call principal. SO it will be Tuesday before I can call. Would you call?

 

[BedKnobbery2]

mom2boys,

I would definitely call if I were you. Your son should not have to endure physical abuse on the bus (or anywhere).

Good luck!
BK

 

[AngieBelle]

Give her a hug from a former little girl who knows exactly what she's going through. Until high school, I was the target of numerous cruel kids. In 3rd grade, the kids all said I had cooties. The movie Pretty Woman came out that year, and I remember at least one kid singing this to me- "cootie woman, walking down the street, cootie woman..." A kid in 4th grade used to take my stuff and sling it across the room.

In middle school, there were many days I came home in tears. I got greatly teased about my thick, poofy hair. Kids would throw wads of paper and candy wrapper at it, especially when we were watching a movie in class. They'd say move your big hair. I was called frizzy and told I was ugly. I was always told to ignore it, so my best defense was to just sit there stone-faced.

The good news is, it does eventually stop! A guy who was particularly cruel to me in 8th grade was a perfect gentleman in my 11th grade English class. I was shocked. He didn't even seem to be the same person. In high school, most people were kind to me. My problem then became that I was often invisable, but that's better than teasing.

 

[MAC3]

Originally posted by AngieBelle
I got greatly teased about my thick, poofy hair. I was called frizzy

Me too AngieBelle! Except I had a middle name I was Frizzy Lou! My hair was/is still curly. Back then I couldn't do anything about it. Now I don't want to. I often wonder if the boys calling me that even have hair now? I bet you & your hair are beautiful!

Hang in there everyone,
Lisa