Advice Needed

[SnowAngel]

I need advice on a situation with my girls. Long story so bear with me.

We are a military family and have just moved onto a base. My girls are so excited because there are lots of kids around to play with. There is a little girl (7yo) nearby who they like to play with. Last Friday they were playing outside her house and my girls got a glass from our house (you know those Disney ones from the castle) and the girl got a little hammer from somewhere. Well, they broke the glass and her mother got mad at my girls. I was at work so my Mom took care of it and said the Lady had an attitude.

Well, okay.. I dealt with it by not letting my girls go over or play with the little girl (not because of the girl but the mother) over the weekend.

Last night at 8, the little girl comes over and asks the girl to come over because she was nervous and wanted company since her mother was not home (2 houses down I believe). I asked her if her Mother and Father knew if it was okay. She said yes. My girls go to bed at 9 so I told them they could go over for half hour than come back to bed. I felt bad for the girl. 10 minutes later my girls come back upset because the girl’s Mom had yelled at them. The mother told them never to come in her house again at anytime and to get out of her house. I’m not sure the exact wording but my daughters’ were pretty upset. I usually don’t let them over someone’s house but I knew they were just one door down and pretty mature.

My question is what should I do about it? I didn’t go over last night because I was mad and didn’t want a scene with a neighbor even though I am pretty even going. I asked at work today and it was suggested to go to my boss and let him talk to the husband’s boss and let them handle it that way. Military bases have rules.. complicated sometimes if you know anything about them. My thing is I just don’t want it tense in the neighborhood or have fallouts and such. BUT I am not willing to have my children treated this way either.

Should I just talk to her (Mom said she did last week and the Lady wasn’t nice) or go the other route through higher ups? or should I just let it go and not let my children play with the girl or go near her house. I haven’t really met the mother but have seen her on the street. Every time I see her she looks mad at something.

Thanks all for listening to my long rant and for any advice. People like this make me so angry and sad. :sad" I’m usually easygoing and friendly (though bit distant) and don’t like a fuss but sometimes you need to.

 

[jfulcer]

I don't think reporting her to the 'higher ups' will do much of anything. I think I'd try and phase that family out of your 'group of friends' for you and your girls. It sounds like there are plenty of other children to play with. Eventually, if the girls are nice but the parent is the grumpy one, your girls may play with them again but avoid the mom.

 

[leahannpen]

Just a quick question...this little girl is 7, and was home ALONE?? Or did I misunderstand?

 

[CEDmom]

I'm not really understanding the glass thing or going over to the girls house at night. However, here's what I'd do, I'd go over to the mom and say something like "it looks like we got off on the wrong foot, your DD really enjoys playing with my girls and they feel the same way. I'd like for them to be friends, perhaps we could do a mommy/daughter outing and get to know one another better". If that doesn't work then I'd just distance myself from them but I wouldn't get the higher ups involved. Good luck, I know it's hard when our children's feelings are hurt.

 

[Lorix2]

How old are you're girls? I don't think I'd let them over someone's house whose parents aren't home...they left her alone at 7 y/o?

 

[SnowAngel]

jfulcer - In the military it will do something but I don't want to really get the family in trouble. I am edging towards just ignoring the family and not letting my girls play with the girl.. but if something happens then on base everyone gets into it. I'm not much into going higher..makes things worse sometimes... I may just let it go but tell my supervisor in case something else comes up or go over to talk to her.

leahannpen - Yes .. my daughters said she was 7. She goes to school with my girls. The mother was two houses down I believe.

My girls are 9 and 7. On second thought, I shouldn't have let them go but I felt bad and knew they were next door. These are duplexes. And I thought the mother knew. My fault for letting them go. I knew where they were and let them go for 30 mins. I trust them for short periods,

On the glass. They were have a tea party with my disney glasses and got a hammer somewhere and broke the glass at the girl's front door. The Mother got upset and said it was my children's fault.

Thanks all for the different advice and letting me know my wrongs too. Not used to having so many kids in the neighborhood.. we used to live in retirement area with not many kids.

 

[Bojangles]

The 7 year old was home alone and you sent your kids to keep her company? Sorry but I'm a little confused. In any case, you should really meet the parents before you send your kids over to someone's home.

 

[ducklite]

I don't envy you. I would simply tell your children to steer clear of this one and her family. Redirect them to other friends. If the little girl comes looking for them, tell her that they are busy. Don't let her in your house, and CERTAINLY don't let your kids go to hers.

And if she is seven and was home alone, make a call to the proper channels on base--that is WAY to young to be left home alone, even for a few minutes!

And pray that they are up for reassignment very soon

Anne

 

[kasar]

I don't know about military protocol, but it seems like this should be handled privately - things like this have a way of getting blown out of proportion when others get involved.

If it was me, I'd make one attempt to meet with her and get to know her. If that doesn't work, tell your girls that they can play with her outside (that may be a good time for you to water your lawn or plant some flowers OUTSIDE) but that she's not to come in your house and they are not allowed in hers. Little girls and neighbors should be able to play together even if parents can't get along - it's not their fault. I'd let them play but highly supervised to avoid problems with the mother.

 

[DawnCt]

As much as your daughters enjoy this little girl, they need to run in the opposite direction. The writing is on the wall. No matter what happens, it will always be your daughters' fault. She is an irrational, unreasonable human being and it isn't worth it.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I would cut all ties with this girl. The mother sounds like trouble. Your girls could play with other children.

I do not let my children go to someone's home unless I personally have spoken to a parent. My children tend to miscommunicate a lot of things.

Do not let this girl into your home. You are inviting trouble.

Good Luck,

Lori

 

[tkd lisa]

Okay guys. Notice that she said next door in a duplex. Military housing can be a little different. She was no farther from her children that you probably are in your own houses. The parent was just two doors down. Was it exactly what you would have done? Maybe, maybe not, but it's not uncommon on military bases.

Snowangle, as someone who is very involved with many families who live in base housing (our cub scout pack and girl scout troop nearly all live on base), I wouldn't go through the military chain. There was no harm to anyone here, it's hurt feelings. Going through the military chain of command on this is definitely going to make the rest of your stay in this housing very uncomfortable because there will be a perception that you're a "tattletale".

Military bases with lots of families are a really small community. Pretty good odds that your kids will be in the same homeroom or after school activities with this girl many times during your stay at this base. I'd agree with CEDmom, and directly approach the mother to try to work through the concern. If it doesn't work, just let the girls play together outdoors where you can see what's happening. Good luck!

 

[tiggersmom2]

I agree, I would not let my child play with this little girl. If it were me, I would just ignore this family all together.

 

[Rajah]

Having no kids and no military experience, I may have a different perspective, but I feel sorry for the little girl.

I'd try to patch it up with the mom, and if that didn't work, let the kids play together outside or at your house. But I definitely wouldn't let the kids over to her house any more.

 

[frannn]

It will be difficult for you to live so close to this mom and not see her often. Try to steer your DDs away from her DD. If this does not work, I would be the bigger of the adults and bring cookies or something over to the other mom. I would only let the little girl over my house, not have my kids go over there. I am overprotective of my own DDs, though. I don't let them go over to a friends house often. If I am not friendly with the parents, the child will come to my home, and all the children will be supervised, or they are allowed to go in the yard.

 

[SnowAngel]

Thanks all.. I think it's best to if I try and talk to her and if that doesn't work than not let my girls go over and play or let her over. I did let my supervisor know in case anything really big came up.

(I just hating talking to people.. not much of a talker.. shyness should be a disease. but I do think that is for the best for my girls. )

 

[tiggerlover]

Here is two cents from a military wife of almost 18 years who has a 7 year old child. I would definitely not go through the chain of command for something at this level, it just doesn't warrant that at this point. I would approach this woman, mother to mother, and talk to her and see if you can straighten things out, find out her take on what went on and see if you can get a clear explanation from your children. If you can't work things out than I would definitely steer clear of this family in the future.

Good luck.

 

[AirForceRocks]

I would have talked to the mother first - the whole point of chain of command is to take care of it at the lowest possible level.

Your base rules may be different than ours, but we are not permitted to leave anyone under the age of 10 in a house without either a babysitter or adult supervision. So on our base, not only would the other mother potentially be in trouble for leaving her 7 year old alone, you would also potentially be in trouble for allowing your 9 year old and 7 year old to go over there knowing that no adults were in the home.

And yes, I know that it is a duplex, we live in one too, and I'm not about to lie and say that I've never run to the shoppette and left my kids home alone for a few minutes. But if your base rules are like ours, escalation of the situation could lead to you being in trouble as well. Kind of "glass houses" kind of thing.

We had trouble last year with a child that was bullying other children at the bus stop. I spoke with the child, then with the father, who refused to do anything about it. While speaking to the father the second time, I reminded him that he is responsible for his dependants, and that if refused to control his son's behavior, I would have no choice but to take it to the next level. He understood, and the problem was taken care of without having to involve the military chain. I think that it's always preferrable to try to solve it with the parent before running up the chain.

 

[bumcat]

The girls might have only been two doors down but aren't you sending them to a house where you do not know the parents? Please be careful. IMO that is the same as sending them to play with total strangers. There are some really screwed up parents out there these days!

 

[camper]

I would not let my kids go to her house again!! What kind of woman would yell at two young girls that were visiting their daughter. I would still let the kids play together outside your home and at school, but I don't think I would want my kids around the Mom.