Advice Needed - Who's my daddy? (Warning: Long)

[DISGrrl]

I'm posting this under a sockpuppet because honestly, even though no one I know is a big Disney fan or reads the DIS, I just don't want this attached to me.

I was adopted as a newborn back in the 1960's in a typical closed adoption. My birthmother and I made contact when I was in my early 20's. I delayed making contact with my birthfather for various reasons, but was able to keep up with him rather easily - he holds a form of public office and has a web page. I contacted him and we met a few months ago. Let me give my birthmother and birthfather monikers for ease of reference. We'll call her Alice and him Johnny (Can you tell I'm looking forward to the new Depp movie?)

Alice told me years ago that the choices for my paternity were Johnny or the immaculate conception, and I had no reason to doubt this. Now Johnny belongs to a specific ethnic group that has some very unique ethnic traits (I'll call them the Na'vi from now on - the people in Avatar.) and I have many of those traits, so again, no reason to doubt Alice.

But I have now met Johnny.

Alice = blonde, blue eyed, we're almost identical in facial features.
Johnny = red sandy to brownish hair, light green/blue hazel eyes.

Me = dark brunette with fine strands of lighter colors mixed thru. Green/Brown hazel eyes.

Now that I've typed that in black and white, what I've been suspecting seems more likely than I'd allowed myself to think.

Some pertinent facts about Johnny. When Alice got pregnant she was a college student and Johnny was a college student. Johnny was the first member of his family to ever go to college and was the oldest in his large family. His siblings followed him to college and to great success (and high positions from humble beginnings) in their chosen careers.

Alice wouldn't even consider marrying Johnny when she found out she was pregnant because she knew every well that college was Johnny's big change and that he was there on a full scholarship. She also knew he was the oldest and that his siblings looked up to him for their cues.

So Alice gave me up. Johnny took full responsibility for her being pregnant, never once doubted that he was the father. No one did in either family, from what I understand.

When Johnny graduated college he went back to his hometown to look for work and got a job within politics almost immediately, working for a very politically powerful Na'vi. This particular Na'vi was eventually brought down by some rather big scandals involving, unless I'm mistaken, sexual harrassment. Johnny had become known as the old man's right hand man and ran for his office and won. He's held this office ever since. Not a hint of scandal had touched Johnny and, to this day, still hasn't.

So. The questions I have are:

1. Is it possible he's my father? I do have a LOT of Na'vi traits(Johnny is Na'vi but Alice is not, except for one great-grandmother.), but that whole hair and eye thing. . .just doesn't track. The town Johnny and Alice came from is FULL of Na'vi, tho', it's not like Johnny was the only Na'vi in a hundred miles.

2. If this is a lie, why is everyone so adamantly steadfast in their lie? When I finally made contact with Johnny, he hadn't told his family, but then told everyone, even though it was uncomfortable for him to do so. When we met, I made some comment about our hair color and he immediately smoothed it over with an excuse that his hair has lightened over the years. Well, I've been following his career for about 20 years. It's ALWAYS been the color it is now. He made a point of making sure I knew how honest and upright he always, always is, how he always tells the truth about things involved in his office. Maybe he's just proud of being honest and ethical in a position that has history of corruption. Alice has this long, romantic story about her relationship with Johnny that everyone in her family knows.

Ideas? This isn't exactly driving me nuts and I really don't want to say anything to anyone and upset Alice, Johnny or their families, butttttt. . .well. I almost wish I hadn't contacted him, it was easier being certain he was my birthmomma's baby daddy, and now that question is hanging over me.

Maybe he really is my birthfather and the real choices are Johnny or divine intervention - and I'm defintely not good enough for that!

Maybe I should just put it all to bed and stop worrying about it. It's not like I can change anything or like it affects my daily life.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Why don't you ask for a DNA test? All your questions would be answered.

 

[lillygator]

Alice = blonde, blue eyed, we're almost identical in facial features.
Johnny = red sandy to brownish hair, light green/blue hazel eyes.

Me = dark brunette with fine strands of lighter colors mixed thru. Green/Brown hazel eyes.

1. Is it possible he's my father? I do have a LOT of Na'vi traits(Johnny is Na'vi but Alice is not, except for one great-grandmother.), but that whole hair and eye thing. . .just doesn't track. The town Johnny and Alice came from is FULL of Na'vi, tho', it's not like Johnny was the only Na'vi in a hundred miles.

as my 4 yr old would say...what the feathers?
are your parents different races?

 

[lillygator]

what is a navii? native am indi? come on.....

 

[DISGrrl]

If I give the ethnic group I think it would be traceable. Sorry. I just don't want this turning up, staring my birthfamily or family in the face unless and until I'm ready to deal with those ramifications. OTOH, I desparately want to figure out what I want to do.

 

[dislaney]

Has anyone considered DNA testing? I think that is your only for sure answer.

 

[busyshrew]

I have to confess I'm a bit confused too. But here goes, for what it's worth. I think your concern springs from the fact that there is a difference in coloration of hair & eyes between your parents and yourself, yes?

Without seeing actual pictures of the eye colours, I'm not sure anyone can give you a very definitive answer. Yes, Mendel's law as applied to eye colour means that two blue eyed parents can NOT have a brown eyed baby. I'm pretty sure that rule extends to one blue-eyed parent plus one green-eyed parent cannot have a brown eyed baby ???(any geneticists or biologists on this board would know for sure)

BUT - you describe your father's eye colour as a type of hazel. And your eye colour as a type of hazel. So I'd say that's not an issue.

And hair colour is seriously ALL OVER THE PLACE!! My girlfriend's family has this combination:

Mother: brown hair
Father: dark brown hair
First Child: brown hair
Second Child: red hair (carrot red)
Third Child: white-blond hair
We keep joking that baby number 4 should have black hair to get a complete set.

And if it helps, my DD is half-asian. Now, you'd think she would have brown hair and dark brown eyes, yes? Nope. Light brown hair, (almost blonde in the summer), and light hazel-brown eyes.

Interestingly enough, looks (and temperment) can often skip a generation. Many, many times you'll see that people don't look like their parents. But they look like a grand parent or a grand-aunt or such. In my DD's case, she looks NOTHING like me and DH. But when she is with my mother, oh my goodness they are THE SAME (no, not in colouring.... but everything else). And I, supposedly, look exactly like my own great-grandmother. (I've seen pictures of her as an old lady and ).

You must be full of questions and doubts. My heart goes out to you at this time! I hope you resolve things for yourself soon so that you can move forward.

 

[bumbershoot]

The Mendel genetics charts are...really really flawed. Eyes and hair just don't work the way things work with peas and fruit flies.

Surprises pop up.

I would stop trying to figure this out with looks, and if it really bothers you, ask for a DNA test.


I have dark blue eyes. My dad has ice blue eyes. The rest of his sibs either have ice blue or brown eyes. My mom had bluey eyes. My husband has the darkest brown eyes you can imagine; most eye doctors actually have difficulties seeing where his pupils start they are THAT dark.

Our son has amber eyes. Most people marvel that they match his hair...but his hair is red/copper, so that's just creepy. So I came up with amber to describe them.

Now you tell me...how did they become amber, if Mendel's charts work? They should be brown. Or blue, if hubby has blue anywhere in his background.

And as for background, we were surprised as all heck when DS came out all ronald mcdonaldy with crazy curly RED hair! I had blonde hair! DH, MIL, and FIL have black hair. Heck, MIL is Korean, of course she has black hair.

Yeah, well...turns out my dirty blond hair, that was the same variations of color through my teen/college years (er, well, I started helping my hair when I moved to WA), actually changed to reddish brown at some point. And when I look at baby pictures, hey look, that's reddish hair there! Everyone described me as blond, but that's red. Odd.

And then I found out that my grandfather that died when I was in utero had auburn hair. And he's one of the people from whom I got my curls, so...

But that's one side. Explain the father's side please! Ohhhh...FIL's half sisters had bright red hair. I see.

And a late breaking bit of news we got about 6 months ago? Korean MIL has naturally *brown* hair. That she's been dying black since she could. Until last summer, when she decided to let her hair go white.

So even inside what we think of as a population of black haired people, there are variations.

I myself look more like my dad's brother and mom's sister than I look like my actual parents! (and since they all went to HS together...mom in uncle's class, aunt in dad's class...sometimes I wonder)


Re-reading your post...does Johnny live in a sunny state while you live in a less sunny state? Could be the reason your hair is darker brown while his is a lighter brown.


So if you want to know, ask for DNA. But stop bugging yourself with the looks thing.

 

[bekkiz]

Just to ditto the PP, hair and eye color traits are not nearly as cut and dry as we used to think. Hazel, in particular, is still not understood very well.

Honestly, if both birth parents seem pretty adament that they are in fact the parents, I'm not sure it's worthwhile pursuing. You won't get a different answer.

 

[wenrob]

Agree with the previous posters. We have a smorgasbord of coloring and looks in our immediate family alone. Heck, I have 4yr old twins that look NOTHING alike. DH and I both have sandy brown hair, he has light brown eyes I have dark green/hazel eyes. Our eldest DD? Blond and light blue eyes. My boy was born with black hair that turned blond that turned a medium, dark brown. His eyes are so dark brown they're almost black. His twin sister, cornflower blue eyes and dark red hair that stops people in grocery stores, Disneyland and everywhere in between to comment. And three children could not have more different skin tones. DNA is a crap shoot and you don't have to necessarily look like someone to be related to them.

 

[XTinabell]

Agree with the previous posters. We have a smorgasbord of coloring and looks in our immediate family alone. Heck, I have 4yr old twins that look NOTHING alike. DH and I both have sandy brown hair, he has light brown eyes I have dark green/hazel eyes. Our eldest DD? Blond and light blue eyes. My boy was born with black hair that turned blond that turned a medium, dark brown. His eyes are so dark brown they're almost black. His twin sister, cornflower blue eyes and dark red hair that stops people in grocery stores, Disneyland and everywhere in between to comment. And three children could not have more different skin tones. DNA is a crap shoot and you don't have to necessarily look like someone to be related to them.

Agreed. No one in my family looks alike, my siblings and I have the same smile but other than that feature we have very little resemblance. My mother has dark blue eyes my dad has green. My youngest sister has pale blue, my brother has blue/green, my other sister has hazel/brown and I have turquoise. My mom has red hair my dad has brown. I'm blonde and my youngest sister has black hair.

You can't tell if he's your dad by looking at him, and now studies are showing that DNA tests may not be as accurate as we thought as more and more humans are starting show they carry two strands of DNA. However, if it is really bothering you, a DNA test is your best bet.

 

[Miz Diz]

I don't think it matters what your hair color and eyes are verses what theirs are.

I have 6 siblings.
Mom and dad both have dark brown hair. Almost black.
Mom - green (very green) eyes.
Dad - hazel (very light brown with specs of green)

I have 2 bros and 1 sis with with red hair and blue eyes.
The rest of us have dark hair and brown or hazel eyes.
I am the only one with an olive complexion and was often mistaken as oriental when I was a baby/toddler.

My husband and I both have dark brown hair. My ds has dark brown hair. My dd has blond hair. She just turned 5 and is always asking me why she doesn't have black hair like the rest of us. I'm hoping it changes to at least a light brown because I think she is already questioning her paternity. I swear she didn't come from the milk man.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You can't go by looks. Personally I would not worry about it but that is just me.

 

[mumom95]

I really wouldn't worry about it, but since it does seem to bother you, just ask for a DNA test. I know it may not be easy, but I'm sure if you just sit down and explain your concerns, they will be willing. If they are both so sure that he is the father, then there's no reason to worry about the results.

 

[kellyg403]

I also wouldn't worry so much about the eye/hair color. My nephew is a blue eyed blond born to parents who are both blond but have brown eyes. Our mom has hazel eyes and grandpa on the other side has vivid blue eyes. My nephew looks exactly like his dad except for the vivid blue eyes..no mistaking who his dad is. My dh has hazel eyes that look more brown than anything. HIs ex has really green eyes. They have four dd's...one green eyed, two brown eyed..and not hazel either almost black brown eyes, and one blue eyed. So, I would have to agree with others that the genetic markers are way more difficult to prove in this way.

Have a DNA test if you would feel better. I would this would be the only concrete way to handle it.

Kelly

 

[Gabes_mommy]

My brother and SIL both have dark hair - SIL's is dark brown and brother's is close to black. My little 5yo niece has white blonde hair and she is definitely theirs. I think hair color can be pretty random. Good luck!

 

[SueInBoston]

just want to share this...

Good friends (both Lebanese, dark hair and brown eyes) has twins, one boy and one girl, boy has same coloring as both parents, the girl is a blond with blue eyes. kids are 16 now and she is still a beautiful blond!! The mystery of human genetics!

 

[RadioNate]

I guess I don't even get why you think he's NOT your father? Simply because you don't have the same hair color? Eye color?

Genetics are very complex. Not exactly the Bb punnett squares that we did in high school biology class. Sure that is the concept but it is hardly that basic.

Your bio mother tells you he is the father, he admits to being that father (so he obviously was in a position to make a baby with her) when doing so could unleash a political scandal for him. Frankly, even in this day and age, having an out of wedlock daughter pop up equals political scandal. Opposition can and DO find out about these things. With all that hanging over him, why would he admit he is your father if he wasn't? I have politicians in the family and have worked in a State House of Representatives. Politicians are concerned with 1 thing....getting re-elected. Their only driving force is to keep their job and all that comes with it. Why would he jeopardize that if he wasn't your father?

But the simple way....like everyone mentions. DNA testing. It is relatively inexpensive and readily available.

You said you had no reason to doubt Alice? Why doubt her now?

 

[tuckerkeys]

So you're basically going by hair and eye color right? You said you look more like your birth mom than birth dad.

My kids look NOTHING like me. They are ALL their dad. Blue eyes on them and light brown hair. Me, I have strawberry blond hair and green eyes and freckles ( Irish ) We joke that I had nothing to do with them. They however do look like each other. Are there some 1/2 siblings on his side you can compare to? Maybe your birth mom's features were dominant over your birth dad...

 

[Green Tea]

I would accept it for what it is. They have the same story. The birth father has nothing to gain from protecting a former girlfriend, and a lot to lose by telling the truth now. It doesn't make sense for the 2 to lie at this point. If you have a lot of the features of a race that your birth mother is not, I would accept the truth and not look for evidence in hair and eye color. My siblings and parents are one eye color except for one who has a different eye color. Hair ranges from black to light brown. Some similarities in other features.

I look at families and try to see who looks like who. Honestly, with a lot I would never be able to pick which child would go with which family. Sometimes parents are easy to spot, sometimes the traits are so blended nothing stands out.

If I wanted to maintain any relationship or good will with the birth parents, I wouldn't ask for a DNA test. But that is just my feeling. It is a personal decision that you have to think through for yourself.