Advice Needed - One Sided Relationship with a Neighbor

[theMoreDisneytheBetter]

I have a neighbor who likes to take advantage. Eg. her daughter would frequently come over for “play dates” only to find that the parents were not home, and we were being used as free babysitting. Our daughter is never invited to their house, or to any activities with their family. She also has no relationship with her outside of when the parents want her out of the house.

Now their daughter joined the same gym as my daughter, and she wants to “carpool.” Unfortunately carpooling means that we drive both ways on Wednesday evening so that her parents don’t have to miss work (the gym is more than half hour away so it doesn’t make sense to go back and forth), and they drive TO on Saturday but we still need to drive to pick her up (so it doesn’t actually save us a trip). The also roped in another family in town (also new to the gym) so we are expected to drive that kid every Wednesday as well and the two of them will split the Saturday driving TO the gym. We were appointed the Wednesday driver because we “would have to do it anyway."

We pay a lot of money for childcare to cover driving to activities, and once again I feel like they are taking advantage. I have tried to decline carpooling but they keep insisting that we “help them out." I also pointed out that it doesn’t really help us to have them drive Saturdays because we have to be there anyway, but they don’t care. It is so incredibly frustrating.

 

[Skippy918]

Just say sorry, this doesn’t work for us.

 

[disykat]

Say NO! Be very clear that this situation doesn't work for you. You don't owe them an explanation or anything else.

Helping a neighbor sounds good, but they've already established a pattern of using you. Nip it in the bud.

If your daughter wants to play with her, the neighbor should only be coming when invited. If they instigate, they should be inviting your daughter over.

Eventually if it changes to something more mutual, great. But this is clearly not a mutual situation it's a using you because you are available situation.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Just say sorry, this doesn’t work for us.

Exactly this.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

What you describe is a bit like how it was handled when there were multiple of us going to CCD classes. One year X parent would be the one primarily driving the other kids (usually 3-5 of us depending on the parent's car) picking them up at their house or being dropped off at the parent's house and then picking them up again when CCD class was over. Then the next year it would be another parent. However, this wasn't a case of obvious being taken advantage of and was just a way to carpool effectively.

In your situation it seems clear it's run its course with you on how this parent is handling their child and it doesn't seem equitable in the least. If it were me I wouldn't try to give them all the reasons why the carpooling doesn't help you as it just invites excuses they can give you for how it could work or try and guilt you with specific details.

But if you're interested in not doing it I would just say simply "unfortunately that doesn't work out for us". On the same vein though I think you need to also claw back the time the daughter is coming over to your house and effectively end that practice. You could even use the same "unfortunately that doesn't work out for us" line.

My gut says the parent will just find someone else to use rather than taking on said responsibilities themselves or hiring someone to babysit and/or drive them (those people do exist). I can understand your frustration, you seem to have wanted to be that nice and understanding neighbor and found yourself being taken advantage of on multiple fronts.

 

[TinkAgainU]

Sometimes it's hard because you're "the polite one." I would simply text both sets of parents to give them a "heads up" you'll do the driving etc. this week (or for the next two weeks - but be clear on the last day you'll drive), and for them to please make other arrangements for the following weeks. If they ask, no explanation other than "this does not work well for us" should be needed. Downside is you'll likely get pushback if you need them to drive anytime soon, but if you teach them you're the driver/sitter that's how they will treat you.

 

[tvguy]

You are really are the only one who can decide.
As a kid, my house was always where all the neighborhood kids hung out. My mom worked graveyard shift and was always home, but asleep. Their parents knew that if something happened, there was an adult there. My friends knew we had to be quiet, and in those days, weather permitting we were in the backyard so usually not an issue.
Fast forward 30 years, and it's ME working graveyard shift and being home during the day asleep. My kids friends were always here, same rule, always welcome if they stayed quiet. Again, their friends knew there was an adult there if something happened.
Did the other kids parents take advantage of my mom? Maybe. Did my kids friends take advantage of me? Maybe.
But that wasn't an issue for my mom, or me. But that may not be the same for you.

 

[Lumpy1106]

Come up with a reason, any reason to need their help carpooling on a Wednesday - see what they say. Oh, they can't reciprocate? Well, then you aren't really sharing the load, are you? The least they could do is chip in on gas.

FWIW - I don't know the kids' age, but there is a history of child abuse in gymnastics gyms that really can't be ignored. If the kids aren't in HS, I really would not trust dropping them off, which is basically what your neighbor is doing. Long gone is the day when the coach could pick up a carload of kids to transport them to practices and games. Not speaking from experience, but I have taken a boatload of safe haven classes for all kinds of kids' activities. What your neighbor is doing is really not OK, unfortunately.

 

[Disneylover99]

I have a neighbor who likes to take advantage. Eg. her daughter would frequently come over for “play dates” only to find that the parents were not home, and we were being used as free babysitting. Our daughter is never invited to their house, or to any activities with their family. She also has no relationship with her outside of when the parents want her out of the house.

Now their daughter joined the same gym as my daughter, and she wants to “carpool.” Unfortunately carpooling means that we drive both ways on Wednesday evening so that her parents don’t have to miss work (the gym is more than half hour away so it doesn’t make sense to go back and forth), and they drive TO on Saturday but we still need to drive to pick her up (so it doesn’t actually save us a trip). The also roped in another family in town (also new to the gym) so we are expected to drive that kid every Wednesday as well and the two of them will split the Saturday driving TO the gym. We were appointed the Wednesday driver because we “would have to do it anyway."

We pay a lot of money for childcare to cover driving to activities, and once again I feel like they are taking advantage. I have tried to decline carpooling but they keep insisting that we “help them out." I also pointed out that it doesn’t really help us to have them drive Saturdays because we have to be there anyway, but they don’t care. It is so incredibly frustrating.

It doesn’t sound like your daughter and the neighbour’s daughter have much of a relationship anyways. Say no to the carpooling and the play dates. Be firm and don’t feel guilty. You’ll feel better in the long run.

 

[LuvOrlando]

The parts may be awful but how is the child? Is the daughter a potential good friend, if so I might be inclined to let things go for the sake of the friendship.

As a person that raised 2 kids from my point of view good friends are hard to find so even if things are unequal right now the payoff might come further down the road in other things you can't even imagine today, especially with girls. Holy cow do girls get rough as they get older, personally I wouldn't burn any bridges.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

“No” is a complete sentence.

Seriously, why do you care about preserving what this family thinks of you? You get nothing out of the “friendship” the kids aren’t friends. You have no obligation to make sure that their daughter makes it to the gym while they work. They may spread some rumors at the gym to other parents but I bet you that the other parents see through it pretty quick. The trash always takes itself out eventually.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

"No thanks, that doesn't work for us"

 

[Pink Partridge]

I have tried to decline carpooling but they keep insisting that we “help them out." I also pointed out that it doesn’t really help us to have them drive Saturdays because we have to be there anyway, but they don’t care. It is so incredibly frustrating.

These people are being blatantly rude. They aren't even trying to hide that they are using you.

You also seem like you have difficulty saying no. But you can do it!

I would call ASAP and in a sing songy voice (it will give you power), call and say "Heeey...We aren't going to be able to carpool anymore. I have a new schedule and it just doesn't work for me".

Then the mom will try and argue why transporting their child helps them so much.

"Yeah. As much as I would love to help you, I have to manage my own family now. I have another call beeping in! I will see you around. Bye!"

Hang up.

Users like your neighbors will never understand why everyone isn't jumping at the chance to serve them. Make your no short and sweet.

 

[Pooh2]

Years ago, we had that neighbor that sent her kids to play and eat at my house EVERYDAY, asked me to drive them to school since I was taking my own kids anyway and constantly asked to "borrow" food and household items, never to be replaced.
I am a squish and had a hard time saying no.
My husband started answering the phone and just said NO to all her requests.
It took a few weeks for her to get the hint but the requests became fewer and more reasonable.
My advice OP is to say you cannot chauffeur her child because you have other things planned on the way to or from the gym class.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Just say sorry, this doesn’t work for us.

^^^This^^^

 

[focusondisney]

Just say sorry, this doesn’t work for us.

Agree, except I would leave off the “sorry”. Just makes it sound too soft & the neighbor will just keep pushing back. Just call or text, however you normally communicate. Say.. just letting you know I won’t be carpooling to gym anymore, on Wednesdays or Saturdays. Wanted to let you know so you can make other arrangements. Period. Short & to the point. No excuses, no apologies.

 

[barkley]

Just say sorry, this doesn’t work for us.

absolutly. no explanation is required. if they push it just say you don't wish to discuss it further.

My gut says the parent will just find someone else to use rather than taking on said responsibilities themselves or hiring someone to babysit and/or drive them

OH YEAH-we had a neighbor who mastered this. we would watch them cozy up to whomever was new to the neighborhood and pretty soon those people would start doing an 'occasional favor' and let them drop their kid off in the morning to be driven to the bus stop, then it was an occasional pick up at the bus stop and keep them till one of the parents got home (which got later and later over time), then it was every morning and every afternoon. they burned through allot of new neighbors before the newbies would tire of it and realize they were being used only to see them do the same to the next set of newbies

 

[robinb]

I have a neighbor who likes to take advantage. Eg. her daughter would frequently come over for “play dates” only to find that the parents were not home, and we were being used as free babysitting. Our daughter is never invited to their house, or to any activities with their family. She also has no relationship with her outside of when the parents want her out of the house.

Now their daughter joined the same gym as my daughter, and she wants to “carpool.” Unfortunately carpooling means that we drive both ways on Wednesday evening so that her parents don’t have to miss work (the gym is more than half hour away so it doesn’t make sense to go back and forth), and they drive TO on Saturday but we still need to drive to pick her up (so it doesn’t actually save us a trip). The also roped in another family in town (also new to the gym) so we are expected to drive that kid every Wednesday as well and the two of them will split the Saturday driving TO the gym. We were appointed the Wednesday driver because we “would have to do it anyway."

We pay a lot of money for childcare to cover driving to activities, and once again I feel like they are taking advantage. I have tried to decline carpooling but they keep insisting that we “help them out." I also pointed out that it doesn’t really help us to have them drive Saturdays because we have to be there anyway, but they don’t care. It is so incredibly frustrating.

Hmmm ... I think it would be more equitable if you had Saturdays off and the other two families took turns driving both ways. You're still stuck driving every Wednesday, but at least you have Saturday off. I would offer to still drive all the kids on Wednesdays as long as the other parents drive on Saturdays ... BOTH WAYS. If they balk at this, then tell then it will not work for you in the future and the parents will have to find another way to get their kids there both days. They will come around, given the choice of driving twice a month v/s twice a week.

 

[starry_solo]

There was a AITA about a similar issue.
Just say NO.
If you’re too nice, make sure their kid is late a few times…

 

[Imzadi]

We pay a lot of money for childcare to cover driving to activities, and once again I feel like they are taking advantage.

What does this mean? Are you not the ones driving your own kid to the activities, but have hired other people to do it? And are you now ALSO paying for these other kids?

If that is the case, you need to charge each parent. And not charge a third of the fee. You are the ones arranging for all the pick ups and drop offs. You should be well compensated for that.

I guarantee you, when money becomes involved, the other two parties will disappear.