Advice needed on student teacher relationship

[Vwdiva93]

So my best friend has gotten herself stuck in a really awkward situation and she has no idea what to do. I've tried giving advice to her for this but I honestly have no idea how she's going to figure this situation out...So here it goes: She and I had english together last year and she really clicked with our teacher. She's a very good student and was practically the star in our class so our teacher really connected with her. School started last week and now they talk almost everyday. She's been telling me some of the stuff they talk about and it's kinda deep for a student teacher conversation...
But it just got even weirder today. He and his gf (who's also a teacher at our school) asked her out to dinner with them, but apparently his gf can't make it, so it would just be her and the teacher....I think this whole situation is very very very sketchy but she doesn't know what to do so I really want to help her. I told her I'd ask the DIS since you all are good at advice She strictly likes this teacher as a teacher and that's it, everyone else (myself included) thinks this guy might like her as more than a student but he's in his twenties and she's 17!!!. She really likes having a teacher as her friend but she thinks it's going a little too far now and doesn't know what to do. So now she doesn't know if she should tell him yes or no, because she does not want to hurt her friendship with him. I offered to follow them and spy on the dinner if it would make her feel better but I think that would be a little too creepy? lol So if anyone has any advice on what she should do it will really help!

 

[diznygirl]

She shouldn't go. She tells him no she can't make it. Under no circumstances. Except maybe if her father were invited. Or the local chief of police.

 

[Hutchy]

I think it's odd that he invited her to dinner. I think that crosses the line and there is NO way she should go out with just him. Even if it is completely innocent if people see them out and recognize them it could create A LOT of backlash for both of them at school. I think it's time for her to back away from him a bit because it does sound like he may have more interest in her than he should.

Oh and at 17 my parent's would have had an issue with me going out with a teacher and his girlfriend regardless of age. So that's just another strike in the Um NO category for me.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Just say she can't make it or that her mom says she can't.
This teacher is so foolish for doing this. Even if his intentions are innocent, he needs to protect himself from false accusations and suspicion if he wants to be a respected teacher.

 

[luvthatduke]

Congratulations to you & the other friends for trusting your gut!
MAJOR red flags here...

I pray your friend does not go to dinner,
with or without the gf, and I also pray she
has the courage to let her counselor know at school.
Even though the teacher hasn't "done" anything,
he is in a trusted, superior position and is not acting appropriately.

Truth is, if he is crossing the boundaries with her
(and he most definitely is), then she's not the only one.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

eta: no, she shouldn't go. "Thank you for inviting me, but I can't." Period. No other explanation is needed or should be given.

 

[usnuzuloose]

May I ask what would you do if this was your daughter? I hope this has not happend with this teacher prior. Please sit down with her and explin all the things that could happen if she does this. I hope and pray all goes well. Jo

 

[Evi]

If I were friend I would tell teacher that shes sorry but she won't be able to make it she has a family engagement on said date and time that she forgot about. She also needs to stop talking to said teacher on a daily basis. She may want to throw out word of her being interested in someone in school or dating so said teacher will get the hint. If all else fails and she really knows said teacher is trying to get more cozy she can tell said teacher she truly values his friendship and likes having an older brother/uncle/father figure. If teacher still continues she needs to talk to her mother/father and explain whats going on. After all teacher is human but teacher is also very much responsible for his actions and should not be confusing his feelings with his responsibilities. Hes not at school to pick up the students.

I hope it all works out.

 

[abdmom]

I'm a high school teacher. Teachers should not be "friends" with students. Period. End of story. Friendly, yes, friends, no. He has definitely crossed the line by asking her out to dinner. She should talk to another teacher/ counsellor/ asst. principal about this.

For a 20 something, a 17 year old is not too young to be physically attracted to. Heck a lot of males much older than that would be attracted to a 17 year old girl. For someone in a position of responsibility to act on that, is wrong.

 

[jam217]

She definitely shouldn't go. The teacher has crossed the line.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Does her parents know about this? How about she tell that she can come if she has parents with her.
That should change his tune.

 

[shortbun]

Not one of us thinks she should go and we are all correct. Tell her to cancel her dinner with no regrets and to stop the big communications between herself and this teacher. She could really get hurt and the teacher could lose their job. Apparently SHE, your friend, needs to be the grownup here. If she won't listen to you, tell her parents. Better to lose a friend this way than have her end up lost in another way. Or, tell your parents and ask them to say they overheard your conversation when they tell her parents.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

She shouldn't go. She tells him no she can't make it. Under no circumstances. Except maybe if her father were invited. Or the local chief of police.

I like the way you think! I agree 100%.

 

[Magpie]

So my best friend has gotten herself stuck in a really awkward situation and she has no idea what to do. I've tried giving advice to her for this but I honestly have no idea how she's going to figure this situation out...So here it goes: She and I had english together last year and she really clicked with our teacher. She's a very good student and was practically the star in our class so our teacher really connected with her. School started last week and now they talk almost everyday. She's been telling me some of the stuff they talk about and it's kinda deep for a student teacher conversation...
But it just got even weirder today. He and his gf (who's also a teacher at our school) asked her out to dinner with them, but apparently his gf can't make it, so it would just be her and the teacher....I think this whole situation is very very very sketchy but she doesn't know what to do so I really want to help her. I told her I'd ask the DIS since you all are good at advice She strictly likes this teacher as a teacher and that's it, everyone else (myself included) thinks this guy might like her as more than a student but he's in his twenties and she's 17!!!. She really likes having a teacher as her friend but she thinks it's going a little too far now and doesn't know what to do. So now she doesn't know if she should tell him yes or no, because she does not want to hurt her friendship with him. I offered to follow them and spy on the dinner if it would make her feel better but I think that would be a little too creepy? lol So if anyone has any advice on what she should do it will really help!

She should not go - both to protect herself AND to protect him. She should simply call and say that since his girlfriend won't be there, she will be canceling. It's too bad, but she wouldn't feel right about it, yadda, yadda. He should accept this, but even if he doesn't (and that's a BIG warning sign right there!), she should stick to her guns.

I've had this conversation with my daughter, too. There has to be a clear separation in high school between students and teachers. Young teachers can get crushes and act like idiots, too, so *someone* has to make smart decisions. And if it's not going to be the teacher, than it's just going to have to be your friend.

Besides, in a couple more years your friend will be in college. She and the teacher can connect then, if she's so inclined. And if he isn't willing to wait, than he's an idiot and she should avoid him like the plague.

 

[npcougar]

Shouldn't be going even if the guy's girlfriend was going. As a teacher, I can't even believe that this dinner idea was ever brought up. Former graduated students are ok but students in school, no way.

 

[Christine]

I realize she is 17 and it's hard to be forceful at that age, especially with someone who is supposed to be a mentor to her.

She should tell him, right out, that she would be uncomfortable going to the dinner alone with him. She can say "Hey, even though both of us have the best intentions, it would be inappropriate to those who do not know us." Enough said.

I don't believe that she should make up an excuse because there will be a next time.

She needs to put a stop to this NOW. Nothing may ever happen but it is very inappropriate.

 

[MushyMushy]

Whoa! This is way over the line! I don't care how young this teacher is, he should absolutely with no doubt in his mind know better than to befriend his students.

You've gotten some great advice for your friend, but let me give you a bit of advice too. If I were you, I'd go to a guidance counselor and see what they have to say about it. Your visit will be in confidence, and it will be in their hands to deal with it at this point. You should NOT be carrying this on your shoulders, especially if something happens to your friend and the teacher goes even farther.

It's one thing for a teacher to build a rapport with students, but completely inappropriate to begin a friendship.

 

[Christine]

It's one thing for a teacher to build a rapport with students, but completely inappropriate to begin a friendship.

I agree and, in trying not to jump to conclusions, I'm just hoping that since the teacher is in his 20s, he's just not thinking. I know that people in their 20s are "adults" but I still think that they have varying levels of maturity at that age and still can make very poor judgment calls. This teacher may be totally innocent and is just being stupid. Telling him the truth may be a good wakeup call and get him back on track.

 

[LuvOrlando]

NOOOOO, she should not go. This person is not her friend. How were they going to get to dinner? His car, he has all the power. Not only do I suspect the girlfriend was never going in the first place but I'd bet your friend wouldn't even get to the restaurant. He'd pick her up and then have some reason why he needed to go back to his place, forgot his wallet, needs to change whatever, then he'll invite her up for a second and then all ---- will break loose. I've been in that position and it's a bad place to be. Once things were looking very scary and I resorted to telling the guy I couldn't fool around because I was waiting for my AIDS test results to come back. it worked and I was very lucky.


Your friend should not go but if she is compelled then I suggest a few things that will keep things honest. First, your friend must drive herself and meet him there, no way no how should she let him pick her up and drive and she should not get in the car with him when he suggests ice cream or whatever for dessert. whatever they do and wherever they go she should drive herself both there and home AND she should make a big deal about being on the phone with all her girlfriends every step of the way so he knows her friends will be waiting for her to come home. Second, she needs to bring another girlfriend along with her as a buffer, this will prevent any weird behaviors and conversations. third, she should ask him for his telephone number and tell him one of her parents wants to talk with him.

if this guy is really her "friend" none of these issues should be a problem for him

 

[Mermaid02]

I'm a high school teacher. Teachers should not be "friends" with students. Period. End of story. Friendly, yes, friends, no. He has definitely crossed the line by asking her out to dinner. She should talk to another teacher/ counsellor/ asst. principal about this.

For a 20 something, a 17 year old is not too young to be physically attracted to. Heck a lot of males much older than that would be attracted to a 17 year old girl. For someone in a position of responsibility to act on that, is wrong.

Abdmom says it all. Please have your friend read her post!