Advice Needed (Mature Audiences Only Please)

[dolcezena]

Seriously DIS Friends, I'm boggled. I need advice, & I'm in a situation that sort of prevents me from asking my friends....

IF YOU HAVE ANY MORAL VIEWPOINTS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, FIDELITY, THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE, ETC........please stop reading. I'm not looking for a lecture. I really need help, I have no idea how to deal with this

If you're a sane, moral, non-judgemental person, please scroll down. If you're any other type of person.......

CLOSE THIS POST NOW















Long story short - I connected with my best friend from high school - soneome I haven't seen in 15+ years. Went out for dinner with HSF (high school friend) & her husband (hereinafter referred to as HSFH). Had a fantastic time. Consumed far too many bottles of wine.

After dinner, HSF fell asleep (aka: passed out) & HSFH insisted on RIDING IN THE CAB WITH ME back to my place. Then he hit on me.

OK, no problem, I've brushed off men in the past. I can deal with that. I say No, he accepts, Done....right?

BUT.....it wasn't a one-time thing. He's still in town (work thing) & she's gone, & he keeps asking me to meet him.

I want to kick his butt from here to the next CENTURY for doing this to his wife, but I want to rebuild my friendship with HSF!

So, how do I tell him to go stuff himself, yet still manage to maintain a friendship with HSF?

And worse......should I tell her about this??????????



HELP

 

[Floydian]

Yikes...umm

The best I can suggest is to say "Do you do this all the time? Does she know about it? If you don't back off now, I promise you she will."

And not to pass judgment on anyone, because I've come to believe that everyone deserves to find their own happiness, as long as it's not at the expense of other people. However, I can say that I lost a friend over this many years ago. He was the guy, I was friends with them both, and mostly, he was being a real a** about it (bragging, disrespectful, etc). I told him how I felt, what I thought about it, and that if I was asked, I wouldn't lie for him. We stopped being friends, and I heard they broke up anyway.

 

[MdmMim]

I think she should be told.

You are most likely one of many he is chasing after. It won't be easy, and you may lose HSF, but the sacrifice of the friendship is less important than the health and well-being of HSF. Also, realistically, how could you truly rebuild the friendship with her if you hide this secret? It would always be there between you.

 

[MOREMICKEYFORME]

I think you need to tell HSF.
If you two reconnect and you keep this secret from her and she finds out in the future that you knew- that would be a deal breaker. She will feel betrayed by her husband for cheating and betrayed by you for not being a friend and looking out for HER best interests. She will see it as you hiding her husband's secret so he can continue to cheat, and hurt her. Can you look her in the face everyday AND keep this secret? I know I couldn't.
I'm not saying it will be easy, but I think it is RIGHT and sometimes the right thing to do is hard.
Hugs to you, my friend!

 

[HockeyKat]

I found my way over here from the Married No Kids thread...

Wow, what a mess!!

I think the "right" thing to do is tell HSF. However, she most likely won't believe you unless she is already suspicious of him (i.e., she brings it up). He will spin it as you seduced him, and most women believe their significant others. It might be generalizing, but in my experience this is the way it goes.

If you want to keep your relationship with HSF, the best thing to do is tell HSFH no thanks, and that if he ever does anything like that again that you will tell HSF as your loyalties are to her. Also, never be alone with him again. Ever. If he tries, walk away. If he persists, have the cab take you both to a police station, that will get him out of the cab fast.

I would also under NO circumstances meet up with him again while he is in town. Tell him so, that HSF is your friend and he makes you uncomfortable with his advances and that you are NOT interested in him.

As to HSF, it is hard, but unless she broaches the subject I would keep this one to myself. If you two had remained close friends, maybe, but as this is an "after 15 years" thing...

Sorry that this has happened to you.

 

[PEANUT1]

I promis you that if you tell her now....you will not be able to rekindle your friendship with her...now that being said, I would probably tell her.

As for the guy, definitely do not meet up with him but don't threaten him either...because he will probably put a totally different spin on it to your friend...ie you propositioned him. Good Luck.

 

[maddhatir]

Hmmmm......

Is it that important to you to REconnect with this friend? I say this b/c if you do- this problem will not go away. You will have to be in contact with him sometimes if you are seeing her.

If it were me, that would be too much drama to deal with over someone I have not seen in 15 years.

Do you have any idea what their relationship is like? Are they having trouble? Maybe talk to her and see if you can get some personal info from her in a round about way, maybe she will confess any problems they are having, this way you know how much to say or not to say. Maybe if you tell her, it may not come as a shock. I think you need to get all the info you can first.

But personally, I think it is too much to step into. I am sorry- but I say DISconnect from both of them and leave it at that.

 

[nurse.darcy]

Personally, I would totally not try to rekindle this friendship because its most likely she knows her husband is not faithful and you don't want that coming between a possible rekindle in the future. Tell her you value your friendship with her but that her husband, although very sweet, makes you a bit uncomfortable as he is more magnanamous than you are. Maybe you two can get together when he is not around.

 

[FutureAriel]

If I were you, I'd just quit talking with him. Only talk to him if there are other people around.

Your friendship with his wife is hopefully more important, and imagine how she'd feel if not only had her husband hit on her friend, but that her friend didn't do anything to stop it?

 

[tednvon]

Tough Problem.
Would agree that this is not an isolated situation and he probably fits into a pattern of his being a loser in terms of relationship issues. If this was a sister, best friend, or a very close relationship that would involve close contacts frequently it would be hard not to tell them. If he had stopped, apologized, never hinted again at hitting on you, he could be given the benefit of the doubt once.

Your situation is in between:
old friend, limited contact, not someone who you must interact with on regular basis, but someone you do not want to lose as a friend.
My gut is if you tell her, he isolates her, denies, blames you, minimizes, manipulates her and maintains control, which is his style. Small chance he apologizes, admits he did it, tells spouse he loves her but he needs help with learning to be committed in a relationship and they head happily to counseling and you are the hero for bringing all this to light.

Options...
1.Do nothing, enjoy her company give him the evil eye when you are together...message...you are a loser but I enjoy the company of your wife...leave me alone. Try to set up all interactions without him when possible.
2. Cut off all communication with both, let it go and be done with it...risk...she calls, says what happened and you have to dig a deeper hole OR you be honest and tell her why you cut off communication...be very specific ie.times, dates, what he said, what you said...the facts. You will find out in a hurry if she wants to be your friend.
3. Tell her now. Same as 2 above...Start with something like, "Mary, this is very difficult for me because I value our friendship, but I cannot continue to see you and not make you aware of what has happened. "On X date after dinner your husband insisted on riding back in the cab. He said....I said...On X date he called...He said...I said...Mary, at this point I do not feel comfortable around him and have told him I want no more communication from him." GIVE HER THE FACTS, NO MORAL JUDGEMENTS, NO ADVICE, NO OPTIONS AS TO HOW TO CONTINUE THE FRIENDSHIP. Let her deal with the objective information.
Your constant is "I care about you, I know this must be very difficult." If she tells you are wrong, this cannot be true, you are a liar then the problem has solved itself and your friendship is ended...her choice, not yours.
If she cries, admits the problem, says what should I do or I need your help, or let's get together, now it is your choice, and the risk is getting smack in the middle of a marriage problem of friend you have not seen in 15 years...not a good option.

BEST CASE: She says, I know, our marriage has major problems. She says she will confront him/return to counseling/proceed with an attorney...ie. some indication that she is taking steps to deal with the problem and look at solutions...

So, this is one of those sticky situations that happens through no fault of yours, but you have to make some tough choices. I wish you the best. Remember, not your problem. You did not ask nor encourage his behavior, but you are stuck with some of the fallout.
Good Luck...Ted

 

[RMAMom]

I think he is making it impossible to reconnect with your friend. I am one of those people with huge Morality issues and I believe very strongly in the sanctity of marriage. I also believe in loyalty to my friends.

I would tell her about her husbands behavior and I would expect that she would probably initially be mad at me. It will be easier for her to blame you than him. If you really want to reconnect you may have to prepare yourself to listen to her blame you and then tell her you're sorry she feels that way and if she changes ever feels differently your door is open to her.

Of course she may also give you her blessing and say OH we have had an open relationship for years.

Either way, you can't keep this big of a secret and have a healthy friendship.

 

[Mickeyflower]

Are your knees in good shape?

The guy is a complete and total pig. I have to agree with everyone else, and say step out. Sounds like that marriage is full of all kinds of stuff you want no part of.

 

[KINGBOBOFTHENORTH]

Looks like I'm going to disagree with everyone else.....my advice is to NOT tell her. It serves little purpose.

Assume they have a happy marriage. You tell her this and her husband is going to deny it or is going to blame you for hitting on him. He has no choice. He's sure not going to admit to it. So she's going to have nothing to do with you anymore anyway if you tell. If she believes you and not him, it shatters their happy marriage and she's not going to have anything to do with you anyway.

Assume they have an unhappy marriage because of his prior cheating. Again, this does them and you no good and you can say goodby to your friend.

Assume they have an open marriage where each can do what they please. Well, then she probably won't mind and maybe you all can hook up for a threesome! But the odds of this being the outcome is a long shot.

Say nothing, only hang out with her, keep your distance from him, don't allow yourself to be alone with him. This is your best choice. As for him, you tell him that if he hits on you one more time you're going to call his wife and ask if it's ok for you to go visit him because he keeps asking you to come over!

BobK/Orlando

 

[dolcezena]

Thanks so much, all of you for your advice. Seriously, you've helped clarify things for me.

So here's what I've decided...

1) I'm going to continue to try to re-connect with HSF, which, these days, is mostly over Facebook, e-mails, etc (she lives in Toronto - for my American friends, ummmm, think Fargo to Buffalo). Easy enough to avoid contact with HSFH! (When he's not in town, that is)

2) I agree with the thought that this is probably a pattern of behaviour for him. In fact, at one point, he actually told me she'd "understand." (It may just be me, but if MY husband tried stepping out on me, well....let's just say he wouldn't be doing a lot of walking afterwards.) Anyway, during a conversation with HSF, I'll bring up the difficulty of maintaining a marriage when they're seperated by job travel so frequently...maybe it will naturally sort of lead into an opportunity to mention his "friendliness."

They've only been married 2 years, & she seemed so thrilled when she was showing me their wedding photos....I don't think I can bring myself to even stain that a little bit. Especially since we HAVEN'T been in touch for so long...why would she believe me over the man she's pledged the rest of her life to?

Does this make sense, or am I just trying to avoid conflict?

 

[TM1982]

Thanks so much, all of you for your advice. Seriously, you've helped clarify things for me.

So here's what I've decided...

1) I'm going to continue to try to re-connect with HSF, which, these days, is mostly over Facebook, e-mails, etc (she lives in Toronto - for my American friends, ummmm, think Fargo to Buffalo). Easy enough to avoid contact with HSFH! (When he's not in town, that is)

2) I agree with the thought that this is probably a pattern of behaviour for him. In fact, at one point, he actually told me she'd "understand." (It may just be me, but if MY husband tried stepping out on me, well....let's just say he wouldn't be doing a lot of walking afterwards.) Anyway, during a conversation with HSF, I'll bring up the difficulty of maintaining a marriage when they're seperated by job travel so frequently...maybe it will naturally sort of lead into an opportunity to mention his "friendliness."

They've only been married 2 years, & she seemed so thrilled when she was showing me their wedding photos....I don't think I can bring myself to even stain that a little bit. Especially since we HAVEN'T been in touch for so long...why would she believe me over the man she's pledged the rest of her life to?

Does this make sense, or am I just trying to avoid conflict?

I would also recommend against telling her. You really don't stand anything to gain by telling her what is going on. 1) you tell her, she'll think you are the one who is flirting with her guy and will never speak to you again. 2) If you don't tell her and she finds out, she'll still hate you. So you may as well just take your chances. If he starts going really overboard, tape record a conversation with him in which he keeps pursuing you but you are clearly saying NO NO NO, and blackmail him. Tell him if ever flirts with you or any other woman, you will tell his wife.

 

[WalkingintheFog]

What Hockeykat and Floydian said.

I would be so angry at the Jacka## for introducing an ugly element into what was to be the renewal of an old friendship.

 

[tednvon]

Best of luck taking the middle ground. I hope is works for you. It will not be easy.
Unfortunately, every interaction with her now is going to be clouded by this issue. Trying to coax it out of her will spoil so much you want to accomplish in the reunion...
With all due respect, I disagree with the advice about taping the call and confronting the spouse. Never underestimate the anger response of a trapped person or animal. This may work in the movies or soap operas but you want no part of that game.
Tape the call if you like, but keep only as a last option to give your friend. You do not want this mess to go that far as you will be dragged deeply into a very bad situation.

If he calls, short and sweet..."do not call me again, ever."That may send the message strong enough.
Second call, hang up, absolutely NO conversation...with a little luck there will be no third call.
In the end you may decide her friendship is just not worth the tightrope walk you have chosen.



Ted

 

[mistymouse5001]

Why would he hit on you unless he wanted her to know? Seems like he's trying to find an easy out of the relationship. Hey, maybe they're swingers !!! I think Madd had it down. This is alot of drama in the making.

 

[onpeakhill]

I wouldn't tell her, at least not until you know she trusts you. It will unfortunately only backfire on you to be honest at this point, as others have pointed out. Maybe in the future when you're closer -- if you're still dealing with advances from him (are they advances? What exactly do you mean by he "hit on" you? Not that any form of that is appropriate here, but if it was really innocent flirting, maybe it's not something to make a big deal out of to begin with).

Anyway, as for dealing with him -- ignore his texts/calls. You have no obligation to communicate with him. If you go to visit her or they come to you, be civil and friendly enough to him, but there's no reason to have to return his messages at this point. You're her friend, not his.

I have a friend who's been in a longterm relationship for years (not married though). I eventually sort of became friends with her boyfriend from all of us going out together occasionally, and at one point he was texting a lot -- much more often than I ever heard from her. He never actually did anything wrong, but it worried me a bit to be in that potential situation. He once even came to do my laundry with me (without my friend with him) when he was nearby! I thought that was a little awkward... anyway, now I try to stick to just hanging out with them both at once, and I don't encourage text conversations, even though I do enjoy talking to him as a friend. It's just an awkward place to be in. Even though nothing questionable has actually happened, I can see how you're feeling.

 

[AmberHeartsDisney]

I mean if you were to tell her would she believe you or think your being jealous?

People get crazy ideas in there head sometimes, and i do feel bad for her because if he does it once i am SURE he will do it again. not just with you but other people.

Id just tell him look, your married and im not a S**T stop it and leave me alone!