Advice needed - inlaw problems

[CJK]

Hi all

I don't usually post such personal information, but I am at a loss. Here's a little background. Dh and I live a few hours away from our hometown where both our families live. We will be spending Christmas with our families (we have no children yet). Anyway, I've never really liked dh's parents and our differences have continued getting worse throughout the years (been together 8 yrs). Well, it finally all came to a head last weekend and dh's parents told him how angry/hurt they are with me. I'm equally hurt/angry at them. We have looked into going to counselling with them a couple days before Christmas (we can't leave town until then), but how much can be solved in an hour session? I definitely do want to go into therapy, but this doesn't help the approaching holiday season.

Here's my question..... How do we get through Christmas?? I now have no doubt about my inlaws feelings towards me. It is very hostile and honestly, I'm not feeling warm and fuzzy towards them. Dh is stuck in the middle. I don't feel welcome in their home. My family lives in the same town so I could easily spend Christmas with them. The trouble is I worry about dh (he is so sad about the situation) and don't want to make things worse with the inlaws (although, I don't know how it could get much worse). Could anyone offer any advice/insight? Thanks for listening.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, I think the counseling thing is a good idea, and if your in-laws won't go for it, then you and DH should, as a counselor will be able to give you some good mechanisms for coping with the situation.

Try, try, try not to put your DH in the middle. I know it's hard, but don't make him choose between people he loves...the only one that will be hurt is him.

If there is really an unbreachable rift, then you may have to learn to accept that your DH wil spend time with his parents without you along. Try not to be resentful of it. Unfortunately, our families, or extended families, are not always everything we hope they'd be.

Hugs to you for this difficult situation.

 

[ez]

are you having? Did something in particular happen or is it a bunch of little things. Your in-laws are always gonna be part of your life, so you really need to try to work it out on some level with them, even if it means eating crow a little bit, even if you are the one who is "right". Putting dh in the middle will take a toll on your marriage, and in-law problems will probably only magnify when there are grandkids involved. I know my parents can really drive DH crazy, and his mine. We have all learned over the years that there are some topics that just cannot be discussed.
Maybe you can say to them, look I know we have had problems in the past, and I'm very sorry if any of my actions have inadvertantly caused you to be hurt, that was never my intention. You are both very important to me, and I am hoping we can use the holiday season and new year to have a fresh start with each other. Yes, I know it is eating crow but it is also taking the high road, and it might work. Best of luck to you dear, I hope your holiday turns out okay!

 

[disykat]

DH and I have inlaw issues (sounds similar to yours - his parents don't like me). Our major blow up (where FIL told me what he thought of me!) also happened near the holidays. We ended up spending Christmas on our own that year. We were in counseling and this was suggested by our counselor as well.

Spending it with my folks seemed unfair and would inflame the situation. Spending it with the inlaws was not a possibility at that point. DH and I needed time to work on our own relationship - letting his parents tear us apart wasn't going to help anything.

I'm sending this and coming back later to finish - life is interferring!

Ok I'm back and finishing up here. Dh was not ready to step back from his parents until we didn't see them for a while. He needed some time to get his priorities straight and couldn't do it with his parents involved.

We no longer spend any of the holidays with either set of parents. My parents don't wish to make any waves with my relationship with my inlaws either. We go down after the holidays now. We always sleep at my parents house (I was told I wasn't welcome at the inlaws as well) but dh and the kids go over and visit with the inlaws. I go along for one dinner out in a restaurant (neutral territory) and dh agrees beforehand that we will all leave if his dad starts in on me.

Eventually I think we all hope things will smooth over (though I have to say it's been 7 years since the big blowup - we've been married 13). I have tried hard to enable dh and the kids to continue being part of his family, while dh and I continue to do what we need to do to protect our own family unit. It's not ideal, but dh and I are still together - something we would not be if we allowed dh's family the "right" to interfere.

My biggest advice would be don't try to rush into solutions just because it is the holiday. Sometimes these kinds of situations require more time. If dh is on the same page as you, then you're ready - but if he's still being influenced by his folks step back as far as you can!

 

[myjulybabes]

It's so hard to say, without knowing a lot of details. But, after spending quite a bit of time with a support group for people with in-law problems, I can tell you one thing. Your husband should definitely NOT be "stuck in the middle". He should be on your side, 100%. As a married couple, you are a unit, he needs to let his parents know that if YOU are not welcome in their home, neither is he. I would strongly advise against him going to his parents alone on Christmas. It lets them think that you 2 can be divided, which only leads to further problems.

 

[floridafam]

Don't go to their house. They are not worthy of your presence.

Spend Christmas with your parents.

I agree about not putting DH in the middle. You be the bigger person. Let his parents make fools of themselves with their actions.

 

[Cruisin]

Or you could do like we do. Mainly for the sake of the kids.

We go to visit when they invite us for dinner. We go as late as possible and leave as early as possible. Since my IL's don't like me, I try to say as little as possible, I talk politely when spoken to but that is about it.

My MIL tries to act like nothing ever happened, like she didn't say so many mean and hurtful things about me and my kids and my family.

 

[nativetxn]

No advice for you, just wanted to offer a {{{HUG}}}. These situations are so difficult and uncomfortable. I hope you can find a solution.

Katholyn

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by CJK


I've never really liked dh's parents and our differences have continued getting worse throughout the years (been together 8 yrs). Well, it finally all came to a head last weekend and dh's parents told him how angry/hurt they are with me. I'm equally hurt/angry at them.

Here's my question..... How do we get through Christmas?? I now have no doubt about my inlaws feelings towards me. It is very hostile

I don't feel welcome in their home.

1) Why don't you like them?
2) Why are they "hostile"? That is a very STRONG word to use. It makes me believe that they OR you have done something that CANNOT be fixed.
3) You may not "feel" welcome but have they said you are welcomed?

myjulybabes has hit it on the HEAD! Your husband should be 100% behind you. There is no middle, imho, for hostility. That is a deal breaker. He should DEMAND respect for you or cut them off, for good!

I am sorry that you have troubles. I have had them myself and it ain't easy. Good Luck!

 

[Pin Wizard]

I'm with Julybabes also. After DH and I were married, I always felt like number 2 on the list. His dad seemed to be number one. It caused me to want to move away, and we did...as far away as possible! Even if it meant moving far from MY family.

 

[C.Ann]

Well - if you and your DH believe in the "old" ways, once the two of you married, both his parents as well as yours became "secondary"..

Your DH should make it clear to his parents that if YOU are not welcome in their home then they risk losing their son forever..

A spouse should never be put in such a situation by parents and to do so only shows that they care more about being "right" than having a relationship with their son and the woman he chose to spend the rest of his life with...