Advice needed about MIL & ds bday

[anewvance]

As some of you may know, i've been having issues with my MIL and my grandma lately. But this thread is about the MIL. She is a bit flighty but we've never had any problems... she love me like her own, never any fights or anything.

So she comes while we are in Ireland and my grandma gets her to help clean my house. She throws away $200 worth of important things without even apologizing afterward.

She's always sent me a birthday present, every year for the past 9 years. This year, I get a card... JUST a card. Fine, whatever, a little ticked after she threw away such valuable things but whatever... not worth starting anything.

Now, my ds's birthday was last week and she didn't so much as call or send a card or present or anything. We tried calling her a few days after his birthday and she wasn't home so tried FIL cell and he was out of town for business but we talked to him. The bday and party were mentioned but I don't think it clicked with him? I don't know. The kids talked to them both again this past weekend, again no word of the birthday.

My inlaws only have one child, my dh... therefore they only have 3 grandchildren. So it shouldn't be an excuse of mix ups or too many to remember. They have never forgotten a single birthday from our family, they even know both my sisters bdays, my moms and my grandma's bdays.

I just emailed my fil a link to the bday party pics. So should we say anything else or just let my ds birthday slide this year? After everything, her throwing everything away, not sending me a birthday present.... is something underlying going on? It's driving me nuts!

 

[disneymom3]

I don't get it. Was she invited to the bday party and didn't show or what? Did you invite her to come for cake or something? Maybe she figures you are still mad at her and she is keeping some distance. Could your DH mention that your son is sad she didn't acknowledge his bday. Is son even old enough to care?

 

[anewvance]

She lives in Denver, Colorado. We live in West Palm Beach, Florida. She comes in April and August for dd's birthdays. But can't get here in June for ds bday. Like I said, she is flighty, she has no idea that I am mad at her! That's why I don't get it. DS just turned 2 so he couldn't give a flip less. But my dh and I do care...

 

[Mercy]

Not sure what is up with your MIL. How old is she? Maybe her memory lapses are from a medical condition? You will probably say no, but seriously, you never know.

I don't know if it's worth ruining a relationship over. If it were me, I would have DH call his mom and ask how she is doing/feeling and then mention that she forgot DS's b-day... see what she says.

My own mom, started acting weird a few years ago... turned out she had a brain tumor. Not saying that to scare you, but you just never know... or it could be some sort of chemical imbalance.

 

[paigevz]

Maybe she really did just forget. Could just be due to aging........since this is only his 2nd birthday, she may just not have it "ingrained" yet.

I wouldn't expect her to come all that way for each of my children's birthdays, but you are right, a card, phone call, package should have been sent.

Send her the link to the pics. If she immediately calls, sends a card or package, you'll know she forgot. If not, then maybe she is still mad about the house cleaning thing. I'd address it after you see her reaction to the pics.

 

[anewvance]

She is 59 years old... so not really that old.

Our phone has been messing up so we've been using our cell phones. But I am able to check messages on our home phone and I checked them today. It doesn't say when she left a message but at some point she said to give Ian a hug and kiss for his birthday, so at some point she knew it had come and past. She's had plenty of time to go oops and send him something in the mail. Or to just let us know she was sorry she forgot and something was being sent. But no, nada!

 

[Keli]

I sounds like something is going on, especially since she didn't send you a present either. Personally? I'd call her and try to straighten it all out. Families are just too important to let little things harm our relationships.

Any chance she or a friend of hers reads the DIS? With the pics of the kids in your avaitar and siggie she's sure to know it's you if she did wander in.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Did she ever you know you were upset about what she did when she came to your house?
If so, you are probably getting "payback". That would be my guess.

 

[anewvance]

LoL, my mil and anyone she knows has absolutely no interest in disney world. They went one time in the middle of summer and absolutely hated it. We've asked her a few times to go with us and she said no. Oh and she's computer illiterate... she wouldn't know how to get to the dis boards.

I really think it's dh that needs to talk to her... it's his mom. But he's acting like oh well.

 

[Caradana]

Maybe I'm missing something ... I can understand that you would've appreciated a call for your son's birthday, that's understandable, but are you really angry that she (1) cleaned your house (maybe not the way you would've liked, but she did try), and (2) didn't send you a present?
It's $200 worth of stuff ... a blip in the financial radar of life ... is there anything we can help replace to make you feel better? Like, did she throw away potholders or something? I have a ton of those. I can mail a few.

 

[anewvance]

Caradana, before you start making uneducated meaningless posts, you should probably research the behind story of the situation. I've said and been saying that it's really not the monetary items that I'm upset about. It's about the situation between my MIL and I all of a sudden after 8 years of marriage, 10 years of being part of their family. It's not that she didn't send me a present... it's that she had for 9 years all of a sudden didn't. It's not that she cleaned my house, it's that my dh and I made sure that my family didn't have a key because they were not invited into my house while I was gone. It wasn't the matter that she cleaned it, it was the matter that she threw away a bunch of stuff that I didn't give her permission to throw away... not actual things like "potholders" but things like movie tickets and theme park tickets and free item coupons and ebay payments... things she had NO right to throw away. It's not so much that she didn't send my ds anything for his birthday, it's that for 6 years since we've had kids, she hasn't missed a single birthday and the fact that she only has 1 child and 3 grandchildren.

I'm glad for you that $200 is a "blip in the financial radar of life".. I wish we were all that lucky.

I'm sorry to have bothered anyone... I was just trying to get an insight on what the heck could be all of a sudden going on with a mil who before now has treated me like her own daughter.

 

[shortbun]

Maybe I'm missing something ... I can understand that you would've appreciated a call for your son's birthday, that's understandable, but are you really angry that she (1) cleaned your house (maybe not the way you would've liked, but she did try), and (2) didn't send you a present?
It's $200 worth of stuff ... a blip in the financial radar of life ... is there anything we can help replace to make you feel better? Like, did she throw away potholders or something? I have a ton of those. I can mail a few.

Are ya married yet? Having your MIL come into your house unannounced and uninvited while you are out of the country is breaking and entering. Throwing away your stuff is actually theft. Nobody better EVER come to my house to clean unless I am in the hospital and unable to do it myself. It's a boundary issue and a big one for me. Stay out of my house unless I'm there or prearrangements have been made. If you want to be thoughtful, send me candy, flowers or a gift certificate. Privacy is important to me!

 

[paigevz]

Oh, so she did acknowledge his birthday. Perhaps she's just decided that she will just acknowledge birthdays now and not send gifts to those who don't need or won't recognize the sentiment (ie toddlers and adults). Perhaps she means to bring a gift for him when she comes for the August bday of your daughter so that he won't feel left out then, thinking that he won't know the difference now. Or perhaps she is angry, but then I don't see why she'd make the telephone call.

In any case, it wouldn't be polite to ask why he didn't receive a gift (or you) as that is a personal decision and no one is ever supposed to expect a gift.......you are supposed to just be pleasantly surprised when one is received. Not flaming you, just trying to understand what she may be thinking...........therefore, if she is the vindictive type, if you ask then she'll have ammunition on what a rude person you are to actually ASK for a gift or even get mad because one didn't come. KWIM?

I'd let this one go, or even just call and leave a message that "Ian sure did miss you at his birthday. I tried to tell him that you said hello but he was just confused since he didn't see you."

Now, if she brings a gift for your daughter on her birthday, I would tell her very politely that next year, could she just give a telephone call for all the children and no gifts or visits because by then Ian will be old enough to realize if his sisters get gifts/visits and he doesn't. You'll still be rude in her eyes, but you can not allow one child to be treated differently than the others, and it will give her almost a year to decide how she wants to proceed. She'll have a clear message, though, that the children are not to be used as a battleground.

If she forgets your Aug. bday daughter's gift too, then just explain to your daughter that grandma loves her but everyone forgets as they get older sometimes and it's not polite to say anything. I had to do that with my son this year as nearly all of dh's relatives forgot his bday. He was asking about it, but he's 11, and I just said what I posted. A few months later when we went to see them, they asked him if they'd sent him anything..........he looked at me, and I nodded and he said "No, but that's okay, you probably just got busy." He got lots of cash that day!

 

[Karel]

Maybe money is tight right now and she doesnt' want anyone to know? Are you sure she threw out the papers and didn't take them?

Maybe it's old age. I never know what my mother will remember or not remember. One year I got a nice check for Christmas. This year I receive potholders and kitchen towels and a yard sale mug. Sometimes she gets my husband's birthday right and sometimes not.

 

[disykat]

Based on your prior posts, I'd say she's mad at you and is changing the way she treats you purposely. I don't think there's much you can do about it though. I agree that you certainly can't say "I notice you aren't giving us birthday presents anymore". I think you'll just have to let time take care of it.

If she wants to act like you've changed the rules by being upset about her going through all your belongings and deciding what should be tossed out - honestly I'd rather have her understand those boundries and skip the presents. Since she left a message, it sounds like she's not stomping off and dismissing your relationship altogether.

At the risk of being chauvanistic, I say "be a man!" Shrug it off, pretend you don't notice anything different, and wait for time to take care of it.

 

[anewvance]

At the risk of being chauvanistic, I say "be a man!" Shrug it off, pretend you don't notice anything different, and wait for time to take care of it.

I think this is the best choice right now... I'm not sure what is going on but will just continue on and what will be will be. She's so flitty that I don't think she KNOWS I was upset about her going through my stuff. Deep down, I think she and my grandma had a few too many conversations about us and have her believing the same demented things my grandma believes. Those are a whole different set of threads to research though huh? Thanks for the advice all... we can let this thread die now.