Advice for planning trip with dsd... w/ venting

[badblackpug]

Op, I feel your pain. Our situations are/ were almost identical. I did all the same things, encouraged overnight visitation and vacations, and met with the same raod blocks from the very same type of mother, over and over again. We took her to all her doctors visits, filled all her prescriptions, and paid for a mouthfull of root canal and crowns, even though mom had free access to her insurance. We bought all her clothes and shoes, all name brand, most of which "got lost."

I had the same relationship with my SD that you did. We were very close. We talked, we spent time together, and about the same age as where you are, things fell apart. The puberty thing, the bad-mouthing mom thing, and the hurtfull, painfull stories to mom about how much she "hated" me. (even though she just spent a very delightful weekend with us) ...and the last minute cancellations! Ugggh! Mom would call and leave a message on ex's cell phone while he was at work that she wasn't coming that weekend for whatever reason, and then was unable to be contacted for the rest of the weekend. Same with summer and school vacations.

It was all very hurtfull. I was most hurt and angered by my ex's response. I felt like he never defended me, and it really p****d me off that while he had no problem arguing with me, he was more than willing to roll over and play dead when it came to dealing with his ex.

For those of you that have not been in this situation, you cannot understand or judge. It is very painfull to have so much love for a child who says terrible things about you behind your back, but loves you so much to your face. It is very painfull to hear that she has said these things about you. it is also very painfull to look forward to to seeing and spending time with someone and then have the rug pulled out from under you at the last minute. It is natural to pull away, to avoid the pain and hurt. I know I did.

OP, and can't offer you any more advice other than to continue to be loving and supporting of this child. Include her in the planning, and try to make her understand that she cannot change her mind after a certain period of time (whenever WDW no longer issues full refunds) Unfortunately you may have to "bite it" for the airfare. I don't think you are wrong at all for explaining to her that this years Christmas gift for the family is WDW. She is old enough to understand that this is an expensive trip, and a special one, to boot.

A very good friend said to me: "No matter what, you have made a difference in her life, and the things that you have contibuted to her life will make her a better person, whether she realizes it now or not."

Good luck! I hope you all have a magical Christmas!

 

[shirleyb]

Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words. I truly appreciate them.

It is unfortunate that people jump to conclusions! But it happens.

Of course we jump to conclusions, we can only work with what you've given us, and what you gave us in the first post frankly made my heart ache for this little girl who's put in the middle between two families.

None of us know the real circumstances, it's impossible to get that on a message board, but what I at least sensed from the first post was that the daughter was a PITA to YOUR family. I believe you even commented about how she creates havoc or something to that extent in YOUR family.

I'm not a stepmom, so I have no idea how difficult it is, although I can imagine! From your subsequent posts, it shows that you really do care for the child, but it wasn't showing in your first post, so you need to understand where the rest of us were coming from.

I will always, always root for the child in these situations -- they didn't ask to be in the circumstances that they are.

 

[badblackpug]

Of course we jump to conclusions, we can only work with what you've given us, and what you gave us in the first post frankly made my heart ache for this little girl who's put in the middle between two families.

None of us know the real circumstances, it's impossible to get that on a message board, but what I at least sensed from the first post was that the daughter was a PITA to YOUR family. I believe you even commented about how she creates havoc or something to that extent in YOUR family.

I'm not a stepmom, so I have no idea how difficult it is, although I can imagine! From your subsequent posts, it shows that you really do care for the child, but it wasn't showing in your first post, so you need to understand where the rest of us were coming from.

I will always, always root for the child in these situations -- they didn't ask to be in the circumstances that they are.

Please...as a mother of bio kids, adopted kids and step kids...ALL kids are at some point a PITA and create havoc within the family...that is the nature of parenthood! It doesn't mean you love them less or treat them differently, it just means they are kids.

 

[lntsmom]

That is JUST HORRIBLE advice. Terrible.

Your DD is only 11 years old. .

Okay, if you aren't going to let an 11 year old learn that there are consequences for her actions, when will you let her learn it? The cost of bad choices increases exponentially as children age.

The problem here isn't that the family planned to leave this child out, it is that, due to her choices in the past, she is not able to participate in the currently planned Disney trip.

Protecting children from their behavior is not doing them a favor. The earlier they learn that what they do impacts the behavior of others, the better. Some kids need a higher cost to learn this lesson than others.

I'd much rather my child learn this lesson at 11, when the only cost is a missed Disney trip, than at 16 or 18 or 21, when the consequences will be much harsher. If she doesn't learn this now the family might be dealing with a 21 year old who, a year from graduation, decides she wants to change her major. Should the family then pay for an additional two or three years of college? What if she decides to marry her highschool sweetheart when she's 18, then 8 months later decides that it was a mistake and she shouldn't have made such a big committment? What if, after filing for a divorce, she realizes that she is she is now 18, pregnant, and in the middle of a divorce?

The real world isn't going to pamper anyone's kid, and it is the parent's job to prepare the child for the real world.

Oviously the "step" issue is relevant here. If the child lived with her dad full time I doubt she would have been allowed to make a choice to not go along. As long as the situation exists, the problem exists. Ignoring the problem won't help anyone.

 

[lntsmom]

I completely disagree with this. You'll get nowhere by causing problems between her and her mother.

QUOTE]

And, did you notice I said it was a joke...it's right there in my title. The reality is, mom is a part of the problem. If mom would allow her to go during the school year then dad and the rest of the family could go when they wanted to go.

If you read the body of my post you'll notice that I would explain to to the child that it was her past behavior that caused the problem. Since the family wants to go at a time when she can't go along, it is her fault she's getting left out.

BTW...I didn't ask anyone here what they thought of my advice. Feel free to give the orignal poster your view, but the, MYOB! I don't know you and thus your opinions, unasked for as they are, mean nothing to me. You're just wasting bandwidth with your sniping!

 

[MRYPPNS]

I guess I'm one of only a few posters that actually understood that amsyw was looking for DISNEY vacation planning advice, not parenting advice. I really can't believe how some of you go on and on about a family that you don't know. It's like sport to some of you.

ANSYM...have a great Disney vacation with whoever in your family ends up coming because at least this poster understands that you love them all.

 

[mickeyfan2]

This one is so easy. You include her because she is your daughter. Would you leave DS12 home just because it would be easier?

 

[LadyShea]

The plane ticket is the only non-refundable item.. Whats' that like $200-300? And your saying you wouldn't buy her Christmas gifts if she doesn't go?

I thought it was pretty clear the trip IS her Christmas present and if she chooses not to go after everything is booked, she won't get replacement gifts.

Anyway 200-300 is very high per-child Christmas spending in my book, you act like it's peanuts.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I thought it was pretty clear the trip IS her Christmas present and if she chooses not to go after everything is booked, she won't get replacement gifts.

Anyway 200-300 is very high per-child Christmas spending in my book, you act like it's peanuts.

If I interpreted the original post correctly (which I may not have), She seemed very concerned that if they invite this child she might back out again. My point was the only non-refundable item was a 200-300 plane ticket. What I saw at stake is the step daughters relationship with the OP, her Dad and step brothers and whether she feels she is loved unconditionally and is always welcome in their family (and on their family vacations). 200-300 dollars didn't seem like a lot when I looked at it that way.

I'm probably overdramatizing it all.


Maybe the girls mom is willing to pick up the cost of the ticket if they have to back out at the last min. Or just a statement that if you commit you commit

Granted I know nothing about this situation..just offering my thoughts to "what should we do"

 

[DevilDuckie]

"Anyone that says they don't feel different about their bio and step kids is lying."


What truly horrible thing to say. Some people are perfectly capable of loving a child just the same without considering genetics. Those of us from families of adoption and blending know that blood isn't what defines real love.

Try treating your husband's daughter as if she's your own. If you can't, let her parents make the decisions.

 

[LadyShea]

Those of you saying she should "treat her like a daughter" seem to be missing the fact that she can't. Whose daughter on here, at 11, would have the option of not going on a family trip that is planned and tickets bought etc?

Last year her daughter opted out of going on the trip after committing and after plans had been made. I assume that her other kids aren't allowed to make a choice of going or not going. There is a difference here, in that she doesn't seem to be viewed as a full parent by the other parents, with regards to setting boundries and such.

 

[bluefairy13]

I guess I'm one of only a few posters that actually understood that amsyw was looking for DISNEY vacation planning advice, not parenting advice. I really can't believe how some of you go on and on about a family that you don't know. It's like sport to some of you.
.

I'm not sure the OP would even agree with you on this one.

She asked if people had experiences with things like this in step families. And many of us commented.

For what it's worth, I think the OP has been a pretty good sport with all of this free advice - she calmly answers our questions and addresses our concerns in a pretty graceful way and I have the feeling she's smart enough and a good person and can figure this out for her family.

 

[mommytobug]

. We told the kids that this trip would be the big gift for Christmas and that we would give them some $$ for spending while there. So I guess if she decides last minute to cancel after I have bought airline tix, I can chaulk up the cost of the ticket to Christmas, with her understanding before hand that if she cancels (after the ticket is bought) she doesn't get something else in its place.


:: Either way I will be having a GREAT trip!

This is where I got the idea of you having no Christmas but the trip for her.

You asked for our opinions. I said several times I was trying to be helpful and not harsh. Your post really sounded as though you were hoping she would not be there for your magical vacation. If you did not mean that, my apologies.

I stand firm in my suggestions. I do think you are treating her differently and I do feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for any child of divorce but I know things happen.

I live with a 9 year old going through puberty. I cant imagine adding this drama to it. That is what I was trying to say.

Your question was not geared totally toward "disney" info. I even know you can make ressies for 5 and show up with 4 without getting whipped with a wet noodle. I also know you can make ressies now for everyone and then make changes at so many days out.

Mother of an adopted child here so the "bio" language really ticks me off. I loved my dd before she was born and I am so glad that God gave her to me through adoption. There is nothing like it.

I am kindly removing myself from this post now. I am sure you will be happy. I just hope you can truly look at things in a different way.

 

[angeleigh]

When I read the original post it seemed so close to my story. When we went in 2006 we had days left on our tix so we were deciding whether or not to add no expiring to them. Well myself our 2 youngest dd said we definately wanted to but my dh and our oldest (who is actually dsd) decided that they didn't want to. I turned our three tix not non expiring low and behold when 2007 trip planning came around dsd wanted to go so dh decided he would go to. Well a week before we were suppose to leave dsd decided she didn't want to go. We had plane tix park tickets the works. Well she ended up going but it was very stressful.
We are planning a trip for this summer and she has decided that she is not going. It is very difficult planning when you have a split family. Our dsd lived with us from the time she was 3 until she was 12 at which time she moved in with her mom who lives 5 hours away. Her sister lives with us and has since her father and I married. Trying to plan when you have two different school schedules, sports schedules is difficult.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I understand how you feel