Advice for a "Step" Family?

[pajamommy]

Hi all,

Let me give you some backround. I have been dating DBF for a year now. We are both divorced, I have DD 9 and DS 7, he has DS 5. About every 3 or 4 weeks, we seem to get into arguments about the boys' behavior, and it ends up being me and my son against him and his. We are aware of all the feelings that kids might feel coming into this type of situation, such as jealousy, etc. We are trying to work it all out in the best way possible, so that the kids feel love respect from both of us. My son sometimes feels that my BF is harder on him than on his own son. My neighbor has said the same thing to me, from what she has observed being outside with the kids, etc. I feel that I should discipline my son, and he should do the same with his. He says he feels the same way, but then if he thinks my son is not behaving or is not being fair to his son, he begins to discipline him and yell at him sometimes. Does anyone have experience with this type of situation or advice for me? Are there any good websites or books that I can read with more information as to how to blend our two families together better? TIA!

 

[Disneymomma]

You need to determine what consequences are given out for which infraction. (Both of you.) Even make a list if you have to. If son x or son y does_____________, the consequence is_______________. It must be the same for both boys, and it should be calmly stated. ""Son x,or y, you did this, and the consequence is __________. Same crime, same time, regardless for which boy, so to speak. If you are to have a happily blended family, you can't have two sets of rules, depending on which parent is there. That is why you have to determine "Family Rules and Consequences", so the children will not get confused, or resentful of the other child or parent.

 

[kimmikayb]

You need to determine what consequences are given out for which infraction. (Both of you.) Even make a list if you have to. If son x or son y does_____________, the consequence is_______________. It must be the same for both boys, and it should be calmly stated. ""Son x,or y, you did this, and the consequence is __________. Same crime, same time, regardless for which boy, so to speak. If you are to have a happily blended family, you can't have two sets of rules, depending on which parent is there. That is why you have to determine "Family Rules and Consequences", so the children will not get confused, or resentful of the other child or parent.

I agree with this!

Also, our counselor has told us that the bio parent should dish out the consequences.

Family First by Dr. Phil is a great book. I have another step family book but I can't find it for the name. Browse your book store, there are several.

 

[pajamommy]

Thank you for the responses! That all makes sense!

 

[MOMOFMNM]

this is a difficult situation and needs to be handled and figured out before the marriage IMO. We have three girls, two mine and one his. I know your situation although I have to say my DH is a MIRACLE worker with all children and for the most part treats them all the same, in fact sometimes showing preference to MY dd5 (the youngest.)

the good news is the kids are young enough to transition into this if you two can manage to get it right, kwim?? This is going to work for you in the future. I belive it is a VERY challenging situation to be in and most people do not understand the full gravity of the situation in blended families, they think the "love and ever after" will work it all out,but it doesn't at all. I would honestly (even though now maybe it is not a HUGE deal...) seek some help from a family professional, or minister or other spiritual leader, this may help everyone communicate together.

Can I tell you that at first our family had a ROCKY time...the older girls are only 1 yr apart and my DSD was an only child and did NOT like having a strong parental influence like me in her life and did not really like sharing at first and then being the "middle child" all of the sudden. They fought a lot and he and I would have arguments about it. I think there are a lot of issues there in a blended family (ex's, step parenting, in laws, religions, discipline, structure, only child syndrome, older kid syndrome, etc....) a lot of things going on in a blended family for sure....
but all families have challenges we just have special ones. This is a family forged and work out by love and by no other reason. And it is very special to see the girls now become best friends. DSD has really come to appreciate a family environment with other kids and a large family and dd9 has really become more flexible and less aggrivated...

I think everyone is just learning roles in the family but sometimes we need help talking about it and coming up with a plan of action when certain things happen that need to be addressed.

I would look at Dr Phils website, I like his family book and his shows that deal with blended families....

with time you will all find your place and it will start to feel natural...if you get issues worked out...if you don't they just become like time bombs

Congrats on your new family unit

it takes work but is worth it

 

[pajamommy]

Thanks so much for the advice! It is good to hear it from someone who has been there and went through it. Like I said, we have only been dating for a year, we don't live together, and we are not planning on getting married anytime in the near future. But I still want to work on these issues now, so that if we do want to marry and become a "family", then we will be going into it with our eyes open and be aware of the struggles that we will face, struggles that we are already facing just dating! This is truly a learning process for all of us. I will definitely look into Dr. Phil's site and his book as well. Thanks again for sharing your stories and advice!

 

[Skylarr29]

I feel step parents should never discipline the other spouses children unless they raised them from birth...by the time they are older they will resent it. You can try reading dr.phil's book " family first" there is a chapter in there that deals sepcifically with this issue. My step father did the same thing your bf is doing and I cant stand him to this day.

 

[MOMOFMNM]

I feel step parents should never discipline the other spouses children unless they raised them from birth...by the time they are older they will resent it. You can try reading dr.phil's book " family first" there is a chapter in there that deals sepcifically with this issue. My step father did the same thing your bf is doing and I cant stand him to this day.

That is not reasonable...

I am with the kids ALL day in the summer and after school (I am a teacher)
...and my dsd mother works full time and so does my dh.

As an ADULT it is my job to help guide and if necessary discipline any and all children that are left in my care. If I left it to her father, it would not get delt with until 6 pm every night and that is NOT fair to the child or the parents...a step parent is a caregiver... end of story.

Dr Phil says you do need to bulid a relationship with the other children....before you take on that role but ultimately the step parent will at some point have to take on a roll like that.

 

[Skylarr29]

well i do have a degree in child psychology but what do I know about the way children think..........

 

[monarchsfan16]

I'm a 19 year old stepkid (and hate it)
My mom likes the book "Step by Step Parenting".
Our families blended when I was 13, my sis was 9 and my stepsis was 8. My stepdad came in (to our house), and implemented his rules immediately. In other words the first time I asked my mother "Why" when she told me to do something (no I'm not exaggerating), I was grounded for 2 weeks After a couple years of battles between he and I he began to realize that because we'd been used to one discipline system for so long, his implementing his military style discipline system on us wasn't exactly going to work. Actually my mother realized it, and finally stood up to him. All my mother has ever had to do was tell me I screwed up, or why she's upset with me and I'm all set. Now I realize that's not typical, but that's been life in my house always (and if you could look at my school records or anything else you'd see I'm not the devil child). Things are a bit closer to normal. Although the grounding thing has sort of stayed (grounding didn't really happen before he moved in...just maybe a night of sitting in our room instead of going to a friend's house, if we had been REALLY bad), the timing has been more reasonable, and it's generally a loss of one privilege vs all privileges.

In other words, in our house it worked better, because we were older to leave discipline up to the biological parent. If something happens when the bio parent isn't there, the step will tell us they'll be talking with bio parent when they get home, and they (bio parent) will deal with us. My stepdad tends to throw a whole lot of yelling into that too, but the actual punishment usually comes down to mom. I know, it goes against everything that Dr Phil says, but in our house it restored a whole lot of peace, civility and order, that weren't there before. While I still don't like my stepdad I'm not really scared of him anymore, which we all see as a positive. He never hurt us, but he sure can blow up. Children really do respond differently to different things. And if you're used to one style and it gets changed during an already traumatic turmoil filled experience, well, it really causes problems. My friends who's families blended from about the time they were 8 and older, have similar situations to ours. Younger kids had a situation where one discipline style is consistent among all kids, unless the kids were drastically different (which is also the case in my house...)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hi all,

My son sometimes feels that my BF is harder on him than on his own son. My neighbor has said the same thing to me, from what she has observed being outside with the kids, etc.

I don't know anything about step parenting but I do know about parenting in general.
This is a "red flag". Your son & a neighbor has told you he is being hard on your child. I would really "look" at your BF and see it through your son's eyes.
When your son gets "disciplined" pretend that he is talking to YOU. I would say this is a relationship problem between how you are going to parent your kids.
Not easy I am sure.

As far as the BF not disciplining the son..I agree. You are not married and you need groundrules. I would not be happy with my BF yelling at my son. No way. If you cannot come up and follow them now, marriage will not make it better.

 

[MrsPete]

That is not reasonable...

I am with the kids ALL day in the summer and after school (I am a teacher)
...and my dsd mother works full time and so does my dh.

As an ADULT it is my job to help guide and if necessary discipline any and all children that are left in my care. If I left it to her father, it would not get delt with until 6 pm every night and that is NOT fair to the child or the parents...a step parent is a caregiver... end of story.

Dr Phil says you do need to bulid a relationship with the other children....before you take on that role but ultimately the step parent will at some point have to take on a roll like that.

Right now you're just the girlfriend, and you have no responsibilities or authority over this child. IF you get married, you will have to have to participate in raising him, and sometimes that'll mean disciplining him. Unfortunately, this is a no-win situation for you. If you let him run wild, you're being a bad parent. If you put your foot down, you're sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Seriously, you cannot win this game.

Still, the idea of "I'll discipline mine, you discipline yours" is unworkable. If the kids are going to live in the same house, it's going to cause trouble. Johnny has to eat his broccoli and do chores; Sammy can stay up late and drink soda for breakfast? Yeah, that'll work.

The poster who suggested a set of house rules for everyone (decided upon jointly by both parents) is the best idea. You say that right now you're fighting over child discipline issues; you either need to come to an agreement or end the relationship. If you can agree on a "code of conduct", you will still have your share of fights, but it's the closest to fair you'll get in a step-situation.

 

[MOMOFMNM]

well i do have a degree in child psychology but what do I know about the way children think..........

That was really childish...
geesh.

I didn't say you did or did not know anything...

I said for MY family that would be unreasonable given MY personal situation.

Who is flinging credentials around any way? She asked and apparently appreciated some feedback from someone who is in the same position as her.

It would seem to me, and I am NO psychologist (I am just a mere teacher) that you might have unresloved issues with your own mother and step father...
but what do I know.

 

[em'smom]

I would hope that if my child needed discipline, that the man that I care about enough to date or live with or marry would take care of the situation if I wasn't home. I know that I wouldn't want to be met at the door with, "do you know what your child did today?! You need to yell at her". I don't think that the first time he met my child it would be cool to yell at her, but, as the relationship is built, then yes, I believe that I would trust him to care for my child and part of caring for a child is correcting their behavior if it is inappropriate and assigning punishments as well.

I just want to add that I would expect whomever is watching my daughter, be it my sister, her husband, my parents, my brother whom I only see once a year....to discipline her if she needs it. Just as my family expects the same from me. I didn't yell at my nephew the first minute I visited with him after a year, but believe me, later in the day when his parents were in the house and he did something wrong, I took action, corrected his behavior and decided what the appropriate punishment would be. I didn't feel that running in to get his parents was necessary, and in the end, neither did they.