adult children /christmas over board when to stop??

[huckster]

ok when do i stop going over board for christmas , my son with kids, were easy they have kids so grand kids are easy and i dont feel guilty (to much) when i dont spend hundres of dollars
, but the other two 19 , lives on her own and my 22 back home , i cant keep spending 1000.each, every year , but i feel so guilty , they never ever make me feel that way and i tell them christmas will be a limit now. and they seem fine with this, they have always been grateful, but never show any unkindness or ask for anything, in fact dd 19 said i would really like a toaster oven, and then she went to the thrift store and said mom i fould one for 18 dollars you could get me xmas..i told her no i will be getting a nice one that will last , she said mom that is not needed
so rambling STOPED NOW how do i do this/ and feel ok
when do you slow down?

 

[Kath2003]

SOON! My parents go WAY overboard with me. I got them to knock 1/3 off their spending last year and I've told them to spend a MAXIMUM of half of what they spent last year on me this year. They go way OTT and I know they do it because I don't have a lot of money (last year, the only clothes I got were for Christmas). But the problem is that for every year they keep spending money on me, that's 5 more years they have to spend on my youngest sister!

I told them, I'll be happy enough that it's the one time of year that I get to come home and we're all together (my 2 sisters and I are away at college).

It's my birthday right before Christmas but I've managed to calm them down on that one, thank goodness.

I'm old enough to work to get what I want, anything they give me is a bonus but I feel guilty still taking things from them at this age (I'm 22), even as gifts.

Buy them lots of little things that they would not buy themselves - character socks, jewellery (fashion obviously!), cool stationary, new bedding etc. - all of these things I go without because I can't afford them myself, they're the little luxuries in life that don't cost much ($20 necklace, $5 socks etc.) but they're the stuff I don't buy because I don't have that kind of spare cash.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

When you want to.
Seriously, if you want to scale back you just do it.

Frankly I could give up all gift giving. So I am probably not the best one to reply.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

As much as I love DS, I never have nor would I ever spend $1000 a year on Christmas gifts for him. He doesn't expect it and I don't feel guilty because I don't buy into the commercialism. He gets a few nice things (totalling $300ish) and we spend time together.

 

[DMickey28]

Every year my mom says they are scaling back Christmas. I'd say last year was the first year that I saw a decline!! I am 29 and my brother is 26!!

I have been married for 3 years and out of the house for 5 years. DB just moved out this summer but was away at college for 5 years.

Now I have DS so I am sure he will start to get spoiled for Christmas. The "good" news is that we have to fly for Christmas so we are limited in what we can bring home! My parents tend to do things like plane tickets home and stuff like that now. They are getting DS and myself a ticket for Christmas because we are going home for 3 weeks. We are leaving 12 days before Christmas and coming home in January. DH is joining us the Friday before Christmas.

 

[huckster]

As much as I love DS, I never have nor would I ever spend $1000 a year on Christmas gifts for him. He doesn't expect it and I don't feel guilty because I don't buy into the commercialism. He gets a few nice things (totalling $300ish) and we spend time together.

Please dont think
i do it for commercialism, and we spend lots fo time together, it makes me feel good .i just know it is time to slow down

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Please dont think
i do it for commercialism, and we spend lots fo time together, it makes me feel good .i just know it is time to slow down

Ah, see that is the difference for me.

I hate the shopping and my kids have everything they need so I don't get that "feel good" vibe from gift giving.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

I hate the shopping and my kids have everything they need so I don't get that "feel good" vibe from gift giving.

I feel the same. I like DS to have a nice Christmas, but I think the other stuff associated with the holiday (decorating, food, gathering) makes me feel better than the gifts.

 

[EthansMom]

I think the point is to set a budget that you can afford and then try to get gifts that the recipients will enjoy that are within that budget.

You've already told your kids you'll be trimming back this year and they're okay with it. Now, just sit down with a pen and paper, figure out how much money you can afford to spend total and then break it down per person (including the grandkids, yourself, etc...).

Once you've got a budget, it's kinda fun to find good and meaningful gifts within that budget. I'd be willing to bet that you could find a reasonably priced toaster oven at Target or Walmart. Some of your family recipes would make a nice gift for your DD.

Really, a few meaningful gifts go a lot further than a lot of overpriced "toys".

 

[disneyofcourse]

I stopped getting gifts when my sister was born. I was 12 at the time.

 

[Cool-Beans]

when do you slow down?

When you want to or when the money runs out.

 

[Hannathy]

You give a lot for Christmas! My kids are younger and they don't get that much, but I'm not criticizing that's your family and your right. Why not start this year and cut it in half. Send them $500 and the toaster oven, then next year send $250 and a gift. That way it is still very generous but doesn't seem like going cold turkey. The third year send what ever level you are comfortable with the $250 or cut it again to $125. My Mom always gave us $100 and a gift, she always got us as she put "one thing to wrap and open or it doesn't seem like Christmas" ( the gift wasn't large- like the toaster oven or a sweater )

PS the above applies if you can truly afford it since you have been giving $1000. If you can't then please only give what you really can afford.

 

[agnes!]

To the OP -

Let me tell you something...you must have one of the MOST wonderful daughters on the planet . I read so much (yes, even sometimes here on the DIS, right?) about children who are ungrateful, rude, selfish and downright criminal in their actions and attitudes.

YOUR daughter is wise, caring, thoughtful and sweet.

Believe me, when time starts slipping through your fingers, you might regret overspending on Christmas presents, but you will *surely* regret The Unspent Time.
Yes, choose to scale back, and then put some of that unspent Christmas money into *your* retirement and elder-care insurance. That's a good gift p you can give your children as they get older and to yourself as *you* get older...the gift of freedom - freedom from want, freedom to maybe travel, freedom to perhaps help your grandchildren with their education as they go out into the world.

And then take time - spend it recklessly on your family. Maybe write up some funny stories about your childhood and your ancestors. Maybe write each of your children a blessing letter telling them *specifically* how proud you are of them and why, receiving a "blessing" from a parent is one of the BEST things you can do for your child. Take a day trip to a favorite getaway, ask them what *they* would like to do for a weekend treat. I also like another poster's idea of writing up some family recipes for your kids.
They might want to make cookies with you like you did when they were little, they might want to volunteer in a food kitchen, they might want to go to a local play or concert, they might want you to play Wii games with them...treat them to some special time with Mom.

It was a blessing to me to hear about a child who has a good head on her shoulders and who is well on her way to being a successful adult. I'm sure her siblings are just as special.

WAY TO GO MOM!​

Thank you.
agnes!

 

[4nana]

It's always hard not to go overboard at Christmas for those you love, but just scale back gradually and perhaps focus on the importance and meaning of the holiday and family togetherness. Actually, it goes both ways, we're on the other end, where our adult kids are sometimes too extravagant with us.

Having a large family and DH being retired, we have a set aside budget for holidays, BD's, etc. We have an agreement with family this year that since we're planning a family WDW trip next fall w/our kids and grands
(22 people) we will be giving gifts for trip - Disney $'s, t-shirts'sweatshirts, ressies to WDW spa/dinner/shows, t-shirts/sweatshirts, etc. It will be a fun year planning and anticipating for all!

 

[Disney Doll]

What you have to figure out is why you feel the need to go overboard like that. Because there is a reason. What is your motivation???

My late DMIL was like this at Christmas. Don't get me wrong...she was a wonderful woman, generous with her time and money and love, but at Christmas we'd leave her house with bags and bags of stuff. And it sort of made us feel badly in a way, because we were not in a position to reciprocate to that degree. And she had this thing where everyone had to be "even", so if my SILs got 25 presents, my DH had to have 25 presents, so she'd go to the store and buy him something she knew wouldn't fit just so he'd have 25 presents to open like everyone else. So I'd end up returning a bunch of stuff after Christmas if she could find the receipt (which was a whole other story!) or I'd end up donating brand new clothes to charity because they didn't fit me or my DH and never would, but "at least we all had the same # of gifts".

I am not sure what need it filled in her..maybe she needed everyone to say how wonderful and generous she was, or maybe she felt like she was lacking something in her mothering (which she certainly wasn't), maybe she needed the recognition...I am not sure what the motivation was, but in some ways it made us not look as forward to the holiday as we may have had there not been the overabundance of "stuff".