Adoption?

[dreaming]

adoption is wonderful and worth as much as it costs, whatever the cost. It makes me laugh and cry all at the same time to hear that your husband is afraid people will say you should have tried having "one of your own" - laugh because when he holds the baby it will be his own and he will realize how silly he was for worrying, and cry for the sake of my beautiful daughter and any other children who have to ever hear another person call them anything but their parent's own . I know it isn't intentional but understand how it could hurt a child to hear it, even our pastor used this term in a sermon - it made me cringe.

annie&Hallie'sMom - I'm so glad your are considering adoption, I know you have been through a tough time. Do whatever it takes to get the money (short of breaking the law). I looked at it this way. Infertility treatment is expensive and there is no guarantee. With adoption, as long as you use a reputable agency it is almost 100% guaranteed you will have a child in your life. If you have to take a loan do it, you will never ever mind making any of the payments!

Good luck to you both!

 

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

Thanks to everyone on the finance questions. I really do appreciate it. I am hoping that with both our families "kicking in" we won't have too much of a hard time.

My mother has the name/number of an attorney that we hope to work with. I think we're going to try this!

 

[Denine]

The agency we went with used a sliding scale based on income. The fees were broken up as to when you payed them. The bulk was the fee at placement. We still have to pay court costs when we finalize. Since it took 4 years from start to placement, we saved the money we needed and earmarekd it for this purpose. There was also the tax credit which we were able to take advantage of. We never did any infertility treatments because they were too expensive with no guarantee.
Our adoption was less than 15K.

 

[Kim in TN]

THANKS everyone, everyone's responses have been so great, I could listen to your stories all day!!!! I love to hear them, and have been reading them to DH.
I think DHs hesitation, is based on the fact that his mother was adopted by a family that already had a bio child... and in this RARE (I"m sure) case his mother was NEVER treated the same as the bio child, not by friends and outer family but by her "mom & dad. They were very blunt about the difference, not to say they didn't love her, because I know they did! But bio DD would get large $ for CHristmas gift and her child would also, while adopted DD would get small amount and her children would get nothing, I witnessed this when DH and I first met and I was appalled. She was the sweetest person and luckily years of this never affected her negatively, although she was hurt by it, but would never tell them so. I could go on and on about the differences I witnessed over the years. DM in law is now gone as are her "parents" BTW her father was a minister :-(
Other fact when DM in law was in her last days of life her "parents" left her side to go to a lawyer to have their will changed so all their riches would be left to bio DD and her child.
taking DM in law and her two children out of the will. I realize most people would never dream of doing this or treating a child differently. So I can't help but wonder if DH has concerns because of this, Me... it only helps my decision, to prove to her memory that it didn't have to be that way, because she was hurt by it.
I know DH would love a child that isn't HIS child, I have no doubt we have raised 2 DN's since 1997
Now if I can only convince DH that he WILL enjoy a flight to Russia even though he hates to fly to Orlando

PLEASE everyone keep the stories coming
my email addy is marcusplus4@charter.net if you prefer
I could use the moral support.

THanks!

 

[nancy679]

Just a thought on the comments about the price of adoption...when I gave birth to my DD (now 11), the total price was about 10K (ob/gyn, hosp, nursery, etc) although it was paid by insurance, I just thought that it was interesting how close the costs were.

Good luck to you!!!!!! I think adoption is such a beautiful thing, my neighbor adopted from China and I was in tears (of happiness) when she described her experience. If I didnt have 3 kids already, I wouldnt hesitate with adoption.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Again, Kim, my very best wishes, and also to you, Liz. {{Hugs}}

 

[LIDisneyFan]

Both my DD (10) and DS (7) were adopted - DD from Pennsylvania, DS from Arizona - both private adoptions.

We used an attorney whose practice is adoptions - they did not find the birth parents, but helped us with al the legalities (there were tons) along the way - finding a good lawyer is part of the success factor - they can really help you through the mzae.

We advertised, but ended up getting both kids through networking. We were labor coaches for our dauthers birth mother, but distance prohibited that with our son.

Going back, we probaly did each in the $15,000 range - depends on the cost for the docters, hospital, expenses, etc. We did eveything from credit cards to home equity loans and savings - we scrimped a bit.

I truly believe this was meant to be for us. They are 'kids of our own' as much as any parent who biologically did so. Their adoption stories are as precious to them as any other child's birth stories - except they get 'exciting places' (OK, Arizona and Pennsylvainia aren't Paris and London, but still ) thrown in!

International or Domestic? Independant or Agency? Open/Closed/other - there are a lot of decisions to make. Go with what is in your heart and you won't make a mistake.

Oh, and as any adoptive parent will tell you - it WILL happen for you. Probably when you least expect it (just like biological kids!)

 

[Disneycrazymom]

I am so sorry to hear your Mother in law was treated so poorly. It should never have been that way. Our DS is biological and our DD is adopted. Truely I have felt the same love and attachment for them both from the day they were born. I often feel even more blessed to have become a mom by adoption. It is just so amazing to me! One day not long after our daughter was born my son started feeling left out because he wanted to hear stories about his birthmom. I think he really was disappointed that it was just plain old me!

 

[dreaming]

Kim in TN - I can see why your dh has concerns. My dh was against adopting at the beginning. we had two biological children who died and there was a lot of pain to get past. i finally talked him into going to an info. meeting held by a local agency. at the meeting were several couples with their children who talked about their experience. one of the fathers expressed the same doubts my dh had and then stated how that all disappears the minute you hold your child. from that evening on my dh was all set! You may want to look for a meeting like this and attend so your dh can see all the joy these families have and hear about their doubts so he doesn't feel different or alone.

 

[Liz]

My BIL & SIL have 5 adopted kids. Four of them are siblings. Its the best thing that's ever happened to them! I wish you the best of luck!

 

[loisg1]

Our DDs are 14 and 11. We adopted them as infants. We originally went to an informational meeting of an organization called LAPA (Latin American Parents Assoc.). It's a group of folks who have already adopted from Latin America or plan to do so. It is not an adoption agency. They guide you through the process. http://www.lapa.com Through them we became aware of an orphanage in Bogota, Colombia called FANA. They are a wonderful group of people that truely care for the children and also the birthmoms. They have a home at the orphanage so the birthmoms can live there and learn a trade while they're pregnant and also receive prenatal care if they so choose.

Our daughters are just that - our children!! Your social worker would work through any issues you might have with you beforehand.

Good luck in whatever your final decision is.
Lois

 

[Kim in TN]

Continuing the thanks... am still enjoying each and every response. DH is coming around like I thought he might