Address Question...

[The Mystery Machine]

I am addressing our son's graduation announcements/invitations and I am stuck on one address. I pretty much use the same etiquette for weddings, but one has stumped me.

My brother-in-law (my husband's youngest brother) is living with someone. They have lived together for about 10 years or so. They are not engaged. They are not married. Do I just address the envelope to John Smith? Or do I write John Smith and Jane Doe? She also has a son who is a year older than our son. Should I include him on the envelope? There are no inner envelopes.

I am confused about this one. I won't go into details, but I'm pretty sure they won't even come. They haven't acknowledged our existence since 2007. My husband says I shouldn't worry about inviting him, but I am not the type to invite all family and leave one out. If they don't want to come, I am okay with that, but I won't have them say they weren't invited.

Thanks for any help!

Michelle

I like the "and family" address. Easy and includes the little one.

Congrats to your son!!!!

 

[Handbag Lady]

now this is a problem for me. I have cousins that do this. They send my mother an invitation then ask her why I didn't come. If I didn't get an invitation, I am not invited. I'm sorry, if you are over 18, you get your own invitation. I think if you are over 18 and living at home it might be okay to address it Mr. & Ms. John Doe and Jane Doe, and sens one invitation, but if you are over 18 and living on your own, you should get you own invitation.

This has started a huge problem in our family, too. My mother gets invites for both my sister and myself. We have our own families now. Sometimes, mom tells us, sometimes she forgets, and sometimes she will tell one of us and not the other. Ergo, sometimes we go, sometimes we can't since we don't know about the event.

We've now been branded as non-social in our family.




And that's not really a bad thing.

 

[Fire14]

Heck I've been married almost 10 years and Dh's family can't address things to both of us no matter occasion and yes they know we are married, we do vist them at least twice a year, more lately. Just today we got a invite to 60th annv party for his aunt and uncle addressed to Dh only, to bad a little over weeks notice doesn't fly with my schedule anytime and we already have plans to be out of state. I gave Dh an out saying he could stay and go to Annv. party and I'll take my friend ( known to host/honoree) to out of state function.

 

[DisneyCowgirl]

now this is a problem for me. I have cousins that do this. They send my mother an invitation then ask her why I didn't come. If I didn't get an invitation, I am not invited. I'm sorry, if you are over 18, you get your own invitation. I think if you are over 18 and living at home it might be okay to address it Mr. & Ms. John Doe and Jane Doe, and sens one invitation, but if you are over 18 and living on your own, you should get you own invitation.

That's awfully formal for family. In my family, if you hear about the event third-hand, you assume you're invited! Now for people other than family, it's a different story.

 

[badblackpug]

I think that we are close to agreement. When you made your initial reply, I missed that you were referring to children who did not live with their parents. In my opinion, adult children not living with their parents would receive their own invitation (likely a 'B' invite). Children (adult or minor) living with their parents might not receive their own invitation. Likely not, actually, unless they were adult 'A'-listers.
I'm not super excited about any 'B'-listers showing up.

I'm not sure how I feel about "A" list and "B" list.... but... no... I think it is fine to address 1 envelope to everyone living in a particular household. My issue is with inviting the parent then indicating to them in some way that their adult children, who are not living in that household are invited, too. To me it seems like an after thought. Kind of like, we don't want really want to invite Suzy, but we don't want to offend either, so we will give it a half-hearted effort. I think there should be at least one invitation sent to each household.

...and why would you invite "B" listers if you didn't really want them there, any way?

This has started a huge problem in our family, too. My mother gets invites for both my sister and myself. We have our own families now. Sometimes, mom tells us, sometimes she forgets, and sometimes she will tell one of us and not the other. Ergo, sometimes we go, sometimes we can't since we don't know about the event.

We've now been branded as non-social in our family.

Same here. I've got big kids and little kids. I'm a nurse who has to work 1 weekend a month and my husband works a crazy, varying schedule. My mother would, often not mention the event until a day or two beforehand. Too late to switch shift with someone, or have a colleague cover my husband's call, or we have promised the kids we would do something.


And that's not really a bad thing.

That's awfully formal for family. In my family, if you hear about the event third-hand, you assume you're invited! Now for people other than family, it's a different story.

I'm not talking about Thanksgiving dinner or such, I'm talking about things like graduation parties and wedding, things for which an invitation sent. (and really, e-vites are free)

I guess I was brought up with stricter rules of etiquette. If you are not specifically on the invitation, you are not invited. As in, if the invitation says Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, then it does not include the kids. If it says Mr(s) John Doe, then only Mr(s) John Doe is invited. If Ralphie Doe is invited to a birthday party, then you don't bring along little brother Randy.

I guess perception varies depending on which side of the invitation, or lack thereof, you are.

To answer the OP:

I would address it Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith and family.

 

[mvazul]

LOL! Excellent! Less money out of my pocket!

alternatively, you could always do like i do for one particular friend, (not married but her and "hubby" live together and have one kid), i just write all three first names on the xmas card.

The invitations are solid black.

For wedding etiquette, as someone mentioned earlier it would be either
Mr John Doe and Mrs Jane Smith
or
Mr John Doe
Mrs Jane Smith

For anything formal, the son (if he's older than 18 and lives at home) should get his own invitation. If this is casual, I think it's okay to put them all on the same one. You might write the parents names on the outside and on the invite itself list all names? Like, "John, Jane & Bobby, we hope you can make it!"

I honestly have no idea if the son lives at home or is in school. Of the 13 years my husband and i have been together, we have met my brother-in-law's girlfriend twice and her son once.

We ended up with a similar problem when we sent out our wedding invitations. We solved it with 'A' and 'B' invitations. Those people who we truly hold dear got 'A' invitations and anyone who we were merely obligated to invite, for whatever reason, got 'B' invitations. The 'B' invitations were still nice but they weren't spendy.

We know a few people that think the same way as you. My thinking is that people with this mindset are looking for reasons to not go. As it turns out, they are not people who make or break a gathering.

Very good idea!!

No, I think it is disrespectful to treat an adult as a child. If someone is grown and living on their own, then they are a separate entity from their parents. I am well over 18, employed, own my own home, have been married, divorced, and remarried, and I am raising 4 kids of my own. I deserve enough respect to be acknowledged as an adult.

You may say that is is "people that think like me" that really don't want to attend, but you can reverse that. If I am not worth an extra 5 minutes, and/or the extra $2 for the invitation and the stamp, YOU really don't want me there.

If I did this, it wouldn't be just an extra $2.00 plus 44 cents. It would be an extra $100, because if I do for one, I do for all. It is easier to send to my aunts and uncles and have them pass the word. My family doesn't choose to get their panties in a wad over it. Instead, we are just happy to get word that there is a party happening! I am following precedent that was set for my family long before I was born.

Thankfully, this isn't the situation I had originally posted about, but thanks for bringing it up!

I think that we are close to agreement. When you made your initial reply, I missed that you were referring to children who did not live with their parents. In my opinion, adult children not living with their parents would receive their own invitation (likely a 'B' invite). Children (adult or minor) living with their parents might not receive their own invitation. Likely not, actually, unless they were adult 'A'-listers.
I'm not super excited about any 'B'-listers showing up.

I will just be writing it as "john Smith and Family". It will be easier all the way around. Especially since we have only met the son once and have no idea where he is or what he is doing - not for lack of inquiring on our part.

It still is a bit touchy as even your way can be insulting.

Imagine that John Smith and Jane Doe have a long-term committed relationship, but are not married. John Smith is seen by the children to be their dad as they are treated as his children. They way you've suggested could be seen as not recognizing this important relationship.

That's why I would go with:

Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Doe

and then include a note inside that makes it clear that the children are invited.

I think I will be making an extra insert to add to the announcements/invites.

Oh, that too - I'd normally do just adults on the envelope and indicate inside whether kid were invited unless listing everyone formally -

Mr. John Smith
Ms. Jane Doe
Miss Jennie Doe-Smith
Master James Smith-Doe

but the issue seemed to be with how to include the kid on the envelope AS the family, I thought. Maybe I was confused about the confusion, heh.

Nope. I was just asking how to address it for my brother-in-law and his girlfriend. I remembered she had a son as I was typing my original post.

I like the "and family" address. Easy and includes the little one.

Congrats to your son!!!!

Thank you!!!

We've now been branded as non-social in our family.




And that's not really a bad thing.

Here is a sample of his announcement/invitation:

Outside - it's a tri-fold design (I apologize for the size. I uploaded them at the smallest quality. Hmmmmm.....):

Inside:

Thank you for all of the help, suggestions and opinions!!

Michelle

 

[kacaju]

Can I just say I am in such denial that I have a senior in HS..I have not even given much thought at all about her graduating...never mind a party...and here you are sending out invites already!! When does your son graduate? DD doesn't until the end of June....I guess I don't have as much time as I thought!!

 

[mvazul]

Can I just say I am in such denial that I have a senior in HS..I have not even given much thought at all about her graduating...never mind a party...and here you are sending out invites already!! When does your son graduate? DD doesn't until the end of June....I guess I don't have as much time as I thought!!

His last day is June 1st. He graduates the week after. We need to get invites out, because all of my family is in Pennsylvania and we are in Florida. They want to have a party for him up there in May (we have to photograph a wedding the same weekend in PA), so we need to get cracking! My mother is organizing the Pennsylvania party and wanted these sent last month!!

Congratulations to you for getting your daughter this far!! it has definitely gone way too fast!

Michelle

 

[kacaju]

His last day is June 1st. He graduates the week after. We need to get invites out, because all of my family is in Pennsylvania and we are in Florida. They want to have a party for him up there in May (we have to photograph a wedding the same weekend in PA), so we need to get cracking! My mother is organizing the Pennsylvania party and wanted these sent last month!!

Congratulations to you for getting your daughter this far!! it has definitely gone way too fast!

Michelle

Thank..same to you!! You son is very handsome!! DD finally decided which college to go to. I was worried THAT would never get done!! I just had to go look...she graduates June 20th. SIGH...I guess I have to start thinking

 

[mvazul]

Heck I've been married almost 10 years and Dh's family can't address things to both of us no matter occasion and yes they know we are married, we do vist them at least twice a year, more lately. Just today we got a invite to 60th annv party for his aunt and uncle addressed to Dh only, to bad a little over weeks notice doesn't fly with my schedule anytime and we already have plans to be out of state. I gave Dh an out saying he could stay and go to Annv. party and I'll take my friend ( known to host/honoree) to out of state function.

My husband's family has been known to do this to us, too. i choose to laugh about it and not get offended. Now, if it happened to be reversed....

That's awfully formal for family. In my family, if you hear about the event third-hand, you assume you're invited! Now for people other than family, it's a different story.

Absolutely. Same here.

I'm not sure how I feel about "A" list and "B" list.... but... no... I think it is fine to address 1 envelope to everyone living in a particular household. My issue is with inviting the parent then indicating to them in some way that their adult children, who are not living in that household are invited, too. To me it seems like an after thought. Kind of like, we don't want really want to invite Suzy, but we don't want to offend either, so we will give it a half-hearted effort. I think there should be at least one invitation sent to each household.

...and why would you invite "B" listers if you didn't really want them there, any way?





I'm not talking about Thanksgiving dinner or such, I'm talking about things like graduation parties and wedding, things for which an invitation sent. (and really, e-vites are free)

I guess I was brought up with stricter rules of etiquette. If you are not specifically on the invitation, you are not invited. As in, if the invitation says Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, then it does not include the kids. If it says Mr(s) John Doe, then only Mr(s) John Doe is invited. If Ralphie Doe is invited to a birthday party, then you don't bring along little brother Randy.

I guess perception varies depending on which side of the invitation, or lack thereof, you are.

To answer the OP:

I would address it Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith and family.

I did send an e-vite to all of my adult, married cousins. They are all on Facebook and I had set up an event through that last month to invite as many as I could. I also asked for everyone to send addresses. I have received one - from one of my friends. It's because they all know they will be given all details from my aunts and uncles.

By the way, my grandmother turned 80 in January. My aunt scanned and e-mailed the invitation to me after she had sent one to my mother who then called to let me know all the details. Should I be upset my aunt didn't "care enough" to put it in an envelope and mail it?

Thank..same to you!! You son is very handsome!! DD finally decided which college to go to. I was worried THAT would never get done!! I just had to go look...she graduates June 20th. SIGH...I guess I have to start thinking

Thank you!! He is lucky to have made it to 17!! It's the dimples!

College selection was a nightmare. He gave up a Presidential Scholarship of $64,000 to go to a Big 10 school with no scholarship and no idea what kind of financial aid he will receive. But, he knows college is 100% his responsibility, so it's his decision.

Has your daughter chosen a major?

 

[Disney Doll]

If child is under age 13:
Mr. John Smith
Ms. Jane Doe
Master Robert Doe


If the child is over age 18:
Mr. John Smith
Ms. Jane Doe
Mr. Robert Doe


Of you could do
The Smith/Doe Family
and inside put a handwritten note that says something to the effect of: "Dear John, Jane and Robert, We hope you will be able to come and celebrate with us", so they get the idea that the son is also invited.


If the child is over age 18 and lives separately from his mother, he really should get his own invitation.

 

[kacaju]

Has your daughter chosen a major?

Yes...Nursing

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Are you inviting them to the graduation? I know at the high school where I am, and where I went to college, seats at graduation are limited. I think I got 4 for college, and they HS they get 5?

So, if I got a graduation invite I wouldn't assume I could bring family members. I also wouldn't be offended if I was left off my (imaginary) partner's invite, because I know how limited the tickets are. I know for my son's graduation he'll invite his godmother but not her partner, even though they've been together his whole life, or her daughter who is like a cousin to my son. It's not that we don't love them, but with 5 tickets they'll probably go to me (mom!), two grandmas, his uncle/my brother, and his godmother.

If you're talking about invites to a party to celebrate or something, that's different.

 

[mvazul]

Yes...Nursing

That's awesome! Our son will be majoring in Biology.

Are you inviting them to the graduation? I know at the high school where I am, and where I went to college, seats at graduation are limited. I think I got 4 for college, and they HS they get 5?

So, if I got a graduation invite I wouldn't assume I could bring family members. I also wouldn't be offended if I was left off my (imaginary) partner's invite, because I know how limited the tickets are. I know for my son's graduation he'll invite his godmother but not her partner, even though they've been together his whole life, or her daughter who is like a cousin to my son. It's not that we don't love them, but with 5 tickets they'll probably go to me (mom!), two grandmas, his uncle/my brother, and his godmother.

If you're talking about invites to a party to celebrate or something, that's different.

It is an invitation for graduation, too. There is no limit for seats. I was surprised. We moved here in December. At the old school, there were 70 kids in his class and we needed tickets. Here, there are about 300 kids and I have been told no tickets are needed. I have verified with different peopl and have been told the same thing.

 

[goofy4tink]

So, our dd graduates in June too. And I have a brother that I don't speak to, other than at family funerals. He gets nothing. And for those that I think are interested in my dd, but figure there is no way they are going to be able to join us for the party, I send them an announcement. They live on the West coast, I'm in Mass, so would doubt they are going to spend the money to fly cross country for a graduation party.
And yes, I did personalized invitations and announcements. Wasn't cheap, but heck, how often do you graduate from high school?? We have graduation on the 9th, but it's late afternoon, and then there is an all night party for the graduates from 10pm-4am...so not much time to party with family. So, we are having the party on the 16th...and it seems that everyone prefers coming to that vs the actual graduation...especially the few that are traveling to be with us at some point.

But, if you feel that you must invite this b-i-l and his girlfriend (and her son), then this is how I would address it...
Mr John Smith
Ms. Jane Doe and Joey

I do think that those over the age of 18 should get their own invitations if they live outside the family home. But, if they still live in the family home, no need to send another invite.

 

[goofy4tink]

Are you inviting them to the graduation? I know at the high school where I am, and where I went to college, seats at graduation are limited. I think I got 4 for college, and they HS they get 5?

So, if I got a graduation invite I wouldn't assume I could bring family members. I also wouldn't be offended if I was left off my (imaginary) partner's invite, because I know how limited the tickets are. I know for my son's graduation he'll invite his godmother but not her partner, even though they've been together his whole life, or her daughter who is like a cousin to my son. It's not that we don't love them, but with 5 tickets they'll probably go to me (mom!), two grandmas, his uncle/my brother, and his godmother.

If you're talking about invites to a party to celebrate or something, that's different.

That's the same here, for high school as well. Well, sort of. If it's a nice day, we hold graduation outside, on the football field, so plenty of seating for anyone who wishes to attend. My two older kids did it this way and it worked out beautifully. BUT..if it rains??? Then, we head inside, and only a couple tickets for each family!! In the past we've had a corporation give us the use of a large facility, but that doesn't seem to be the case this year with the economy the way it is. So, here's hoping for good weather. Not that it matters for us...there will only be three of us attending in any case.

 

[mvazul]

So, our dd graduates in June too. And I have a brother that I don't speak to, other than at family funerals. He gets nothing. And for those that I think are interested in my dd, but figure there is no way they are going to be able to join us for the party, I send them an announcement. They live on the West coast, I'm in Mass, so would doubt they are going to spend the money to fly cross country for a graduation party.
And yes, I did personalized invitations and announcements. Wasn't cheap, but heck, how often do you graduate from high school?? We have graduation on the 9th, but it's late afternoon, and then there is an all night party for the graduates from 10pm-4am...so not much time to party with family. So, we are having the party on the 16th...and it seems that everyone prefers coming to that vs the actual graduation...especially the few that are traveling to be with us at some point.

But, if you feel that you must invite this b-i-l and his girlfriend (and her son), then this is how I would address it...
Mr John Smith
Ms. Jane Doe and Joey

I do think that those over the age of 18 should get their own invitations if they live outside the family home. But, if they still live in the family home, no need to send another invite.

This particular brother-in-law will definitely get an invitation/announcement. We now live only an hour and a half from him and his girlfriend. My husband's oldest brother lives close to the younger brother. My husband told me to just stick the younger brother's invite in with the older brother and have him deliver it. I won't tell you how he thinks it should be addressed. Anyway, as I have said, he is a brother, so he will receive his own invite, with his girlfriend and her son also invited.

I will not be sending a separate invitation to the son, because we have only met him once. We used to send Christmas presents, etc, and have been ignored. They completely stopped talking to us, acknowledging we exist in February, 2007. We were given no reason as to why. I will continue to invite just as i do the rest of my husband's family. It's their choice if they don't want to come.