Ack! Advice quickly, please!

[AnnaFloridaLover]

In our family we love meeting our nieces and nephews significant others and they are welcomed with open arms to every occasion.

 

[scrapquitler]

OP should consider if she wants to post a "wedding invite snub" question in a few years time. She keeps saying only the neice, sister, and mother know this kid well, but that is 1/3 of the party right there. Sounds like a perfect time to get to know the boyfriend.

and if you don't interact with him at some social event, you'll never get to know him.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

OP-

It's your house and you don't have to rationalize why you may not want the bf there. However, the reasonings to me from an outsiders perspective seem like something down the road won't seem all that important anymore-a family member's SO being there, a family member's SO being in a picture, etc.

FWIW while my husband and I were a bit older I'm very thankful that his family and their friends welcomed me with opened arms. I met his mom's side of the family and their friends and a whole ton of other people within 2 weeks of meeting my husband, then boyfriend. Yes we were in college so it was a bit different however I was 19 and he was 18 but we had just met when your niece has been dating this person for a year already.

I've been in every birthday picture for over 10 years for all sorts of family members. I doubt that his family thought when I first was in the younger sister's birthday picture just under 2 months after meeting my husband that I would still be in the picture (no pun intented) this many years later. But now we have fond memories of looking back (and boy is my mother-in-law a picture fiend--she has to get a ton of pictures for the birthdays) including pictures of me and my husband's grandmother who passed away a few years ago. And when my sister-in-law started dating her now husband at just about 16 years of age it was the same story and now we have those photos and experiences to look at and remember 5 years later.

Worse comes to worse you'll likely have little interaction, as more than likely he's going to go for the sole reason of being there with his gf, and someone who can take a few photos of the whole family.

Say no if you want to it's fine but I don't think much harm will come for him being there either.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Hey guys.

My son's first birthday is Thursday, two days from now. We're having a little party at our house that evening. We've invited my best friend and my husband's immediate family -- His parents, bro and SIL, and his sister and her two teen daughters, ages 13 and 16. Very small affair. My husband's sister just texted him asking if the 16y.o. can bring her boyfriend. He and the niece have been dating for about a year and I've only met him once in passing.

All I am thinking is What 16 year old boy wants to go to a kid's 1st birthday?

I am sure the teenagers are being forced to come and the 16 year old is dragging her boyfriend along to at least have some fun. Just be happy they are coming. Teenagers have a million things they would rather be doing than going to a party for a one year old.

 

[ronandannette]

Oh, and since this is a Disney board, I'm sure you'll all be pleased to know the party theme is "it's a small world" and we'll be serving foods from around the world, international tapas style.

Gotta run into DC to pick up the cake soon so I'll be MIA for a while, but I'll check back later.

LOVE this!! Please come back and give us the menu details to make stealing this idea easier!

 

[LSUmiss]

Wow, International Tapas for an infant's birthday party.
And, yes, you used the word 'china'.
Not sure what I might think about that?

Anyhow....


Okay, I think the first thing I mentioned above is kind of self-explanatory.
So, I will comment on the things that I have bolded in your latest response, above.
Why would you NOT understand that your family members might want to get to see, and know, the precious new baby family member?
it says a lot that you are going thru THIS much planning and stress, when you would rather not 'have a party at all'. (OMG, now I will have to dig up another chair...)
And, another huge thing that strikes me here is that you seem to have been doing a LOT of blowing off any positive opportunities here, with your new baby and these family members.
It seems to feel 'intrusive' to you.

Is it the "NEW mom, and it has to be just me and my baby" thing????
Is it the lack of enjoyment of being social at all, and "social anxiety"thing????
Is it the "Have to go out of my way to accommodate the inlaws" thing????
Maybe, also, some other thing(s)????

There seems to be a lot going on here....
And, the boyfriend is the very least of it.

As sometimes happens here on the DIS, somebody posts what seems to be a simple but maybe controversial question, but there are much bigger and deeper things going on beneath the surface.

I had recommended that if you and your husband are on the same page, and would rather keep this get together limited... Hey, that is okay... That is up to you. But, again, I think that it might be helpful for you to take a deeper look, and to see, truly, why you are making these decisions and feeling stressed.

Don’t want to answer for the OP, but maybe it’s an issue with the in-laws. My in-laws are very intrusive & always push boundaries. They are also very different than my family & even my DH prefers my family over his own. They come early & stay late among other obnoxious behaviors. Hosting get-togethers for them usually turn out to be a chore more than an enjoyable experience. Perhaps she has a situation like this so she’d rather not go down that road with them.

 

[nancygirl1]

OP...I get where you're coming from. I feel bad for you that you've been put in this situation. It would bother me, too. I would have no problem texting my SIL and just saying that you would feel much more comfortable if it was just family for the dinner aka birthday party. You'd love to meet him, but another time would be better. I hope you and DD understand.

This is your baby's first birthday. You have a right to say who's going to be there and who's not. If your SIL is as easy going as you say, I can't imagine that she would have an issue with you saying another time would be better. Heck, if it were me, I wouldn't have a problem telling her that it would make me uncomfortable in this situation. IMO there are appropriate times to meet family's SO's, but an intimate dinner aka birthday party is not necessarily one of them.

 

[mummabear]

Ha. I was just thinking how this reminded me of the Luvs commercial highlighting the difference between the bathtimes of the first child and second child.

You think baby two is slack, wait for the third....

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Wow, International Tapas for an infant's birthday party. Yes, international tapas, because that's how I can get away with serving a whole bunch of store bought, ready-to-eat or heat-and-eat appetizer-type foods to save myself from the work of having to cook several dishes for a meal. I chose that type of food in the interest of simplicity.
And, yes, you used the word 'china'. Because that's what my dishes are. The reason I mentioned it wasn't to sound snooty, it was because I was trying to give people reading along a better sense of what type of party this is. I realized people hear "kids party" and probably envision shrieking toddlers and water gun fights in the backyard and understandably wouldn't see the issue with an extra person tagging along. What I'm hosting is more along the lines of a cocktail/dinner party where a bunch of adults will be standing around conversing and sipping wine, with one generally quiet baby in attendance.
Not sure what I might think about that? I don't want to blow your mind, but I eat my bologna sandwiches off of those plates, too. If I'm to have enough matching plates for eleven people, that's the set I'll have to use. And while I'm at it, I'll use the matching serving platters and flatware too, because why wouldn't I? When my son is old enough to go to Party City and pick out whatever Paw Patrol paper plates and Elmo plastic cups he wants for his party, then that's what we'll eat off of. At this age, though, the party is more for the adults anyway, so I'm going to use the dishware I already have on-hand.

Anyhow....


Okay, I think the first thing I mentioned above is kind of self-explanatory.
So, I will comment on the things that I have bolded in your latest response, above.
Why would you NOT understand that your family members might want to get to see, and know, the precious new baby family member?
it says a lot that you are going thru THIS much planning and stress, when you would rather not 'have a party at all'. (OMG, now I will have to dig up another chair...)
And, another huge thing that strikes me here is that you seem to have been doing a LOT of blowing off any positive opportunities here, with your new baby and these family members.
It seems to feel 'intrusive' to you.

Is it the "NEW mom, and it has to be just me and my baby" thing????
Is it the lack of enjoyment of being social at all, and "social anxiety"thing????
Is it the "Have to go out of my way to accommodate the inlaws" thing????
Maybe, also, some other thing(s)????

There seems to be a lot going on here....
And, the boyfriend is the very least of it.

As sometimes happens here on the DIS, somebody posts what seems to be a simple but maybe controversial question, but there are much bigger and deeper things going on beneath the surface.

I had recommended that if you and your husband are on the same page, and would rather keep this get together limited... Hey, that is okay... That is up to you. But, again, I think that it might be helpful for you to take a deeper look, and to see, truly, why you are making these decisions and feeling stressed.
To all of the above, you're really reaching and looking for deeper meanings that don't exist. To be clear, my comment about it feeling "intrusive" was in regard to the idea of having a stranger in my home celebrating a special occasion with me at what was intended to be an intimate gathering of close family and friend (yes, singular). I was not using intrusive in reference to the family members.

Did I even say anything about how much planning I've done or implied that I feel stressed? I'm pretty sure I've repeatedly mentioned how we've chosen to keep this small and simple. And for goodness sake, saying we initially considered just doing cake with the three of us but then changed our minds and decided to have a party because we thought the family would appreciate it is not the same as saying we'd rather not have a party at all. We chose to have a party. We're looking forward to it.

No one is blowing off the family or keeping the baby from them. Man, you have a knack for creating false realities. I know I don't have to explain myself here, but I'm going to anyway: 1) I didn't have a baby shower because I find them dreadful and I always said the best part about being pregnant was knowing I wouldn't have to attend a shower because I finally had the decision-making power. 2) I struggled quite a bit postpartum and had a very long recovery so I wasn't particularly eager to commit to a big meet-the-baby party when my MIL expressed interest. If it had been something that was really important to her I would've gone along with it. She only casually brought it up twice. We didn't say no but she ended up dropping it, probably because she could sense my DH and I weren't all that eager. 3) A scheduling conflict meant we couldn't make the extended family Christmas party. It happens, that's life. My DH's parents came over on Christmas Day and we saw his siblings later in the week.

Overall, we've seen every member of his immediate family with more regularity and frequency in the past year than we ever have in all the years prior. Which is fine, they're nice people, but yes, it's taken me by surprise that anyone other than the grandparents would have much interest in my kid. When my nieces were born, or when friends have had babies, I continued to see the mom in all the usual settings and situations I normally would have, the difference being, now there's a new addition in the mix. It never crossed my mind to set aside extra time to have an adult play date with the baby. I just didn't know people did that kind of thing, even beyond family members. But, it's cool, the little guy is loved.

And thanks for your concern over that embarrassing chair meltdown I had earlier, but I've decided to make the kid sit on the crack.

In red.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

NBD. I'd be happy that the teen wants to attend and not mind her bringing a friend or boyfriend assuming there's enough food planned and enough space.

I've had 3 First Birthdays and never thought about having to be overly picky about the guest list due to me needing to take pictures to "immortalize" it. I pretty much snap a few shots of the decor, a couple action shots of the party, then just a bunch of baby eating cake.

I haven't heard of an evening First Birthday party. All of my kids have gone to bed by 7-7:30pm by age 1.

Happy Birthday to your little one.

We're night owls in our house. He goes to bed around midnight, wakes up at noon. An evening party works best with his schedule, means we can celebrate on his actual birthday, and in-laws won't have to give up their Saturday for it, they can just stop by after work, so that's why we chose to do it that way.

All I am thinking is What 16 year old boy wants to go to a kid's 1st birthday?

I am sure the teenagers are being forced to come and the 16 year old is dragging her boyfriend along to at least have some fun. Just be happy they are coming. Teenagers have a million things they would rather be doing than going to a party for a one year old.

Who, at any age, wants to go to a kid's party?

I honestly don't think the teens are being forced to come. The girls' parents (divorced) have always given them quite a bit of latitude in making their own decisions when it comes to things like where and how they want to spend their time regarding parental custody, they were allowed to make their own choices about whether to attend their father's wedding when he remarried... Their parents have been really good about giving them freedom of choice with the big issues, so I truly can't imagine anyone would be forcing them to go to a baby's birthday party, and I'm sure they know I wouldn't be bothered if they wanted to skip it. The older the girls have gotten, the more they've asked to come hang out at our house when they're around, they're always over-the-moon excited to play with the baby. I'm all but positive they're coming of their own volition (and might possibly even be looking forward to it!).

LOVE this!! Please come back and give us the menu details to make stealing this idea easier!

Oh boy, off the top of my head:

Spring rolls -- China
Falafel with Zhoug -- Israel and Yemen
Couscous -- Morocco
Gallo Pinto -- Costa Rica
Samosas -- India
Tabouleh -- Lebanon
Swedish meatballs -- Sweden
Guacamole with plantain chips -- Mexico and Ghana
Apricots -- Turkey
Fairy Bread -- Australia
Mochi -- Japan
Spicy Tamarind candies -- Thailand
Dark chocolate -- Belgium
Soan Papdi -- also India, but I'm just trying to get it out of my house
Sorrel -- Jamaica
Coffee -- Kenya
Various wines

Should Morocco really get credit for couscous or did it actually originate in what is modern-day Egypt? Did the first plantain chip come from Ghana or was it one of the fourteen other countries that try to lay claim to it? I don't know, whose flag do I have?

OP...I get where you're coming from. I feel bad for you that you've been put in this situation. It would bother me, too. I would have no problem texting my SIL and just saying that you would feel much more comfortable if it was just family for the dinner aka birthday party. You'd love to meet him, but another time would be better. I hope you and DD understand.

This is your baby's first birthday. You have a right to say who's going to be there and who's not. If your SIL is as easy going as you say, I can't imagine that she would have an issue with you saying another time would be better. Heck, if it were me, I wouldn't have a problem telling her that it would make me uncomfortable in this situation. IMO there are appropriate times to meet family's SO's, but an intimate dinner aka birthday party is not necessarily one of them.

Thanks, but we already decided to let him come.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Don’t want to answer for the OP, but maybe it’s an issue with the in-laws. My in-laws are very intrusive & always push boundaries. They are also very different than my family & even my DH prefers my family over his own. They come early & stay late among other obnoxious behaviors. Hosting get-togethers for them usually turn out to be a chore more than an enjoyable experience. Perhaps she has a situation like this so she’d rather not go down that road with them.

Oops, I meant to grab this in the multi-quote. Nope, no issues with the in-laws. We all have a good relationship with each other. They're very laid-back and respectful of boundaries. This is the biggest "issue" we've had in the past 20 years, so I'd say we're doing okay.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wouldn’t be an issue for me. I’ve had friends ask if their kids could bring a friend to my house (parents away so said child was sleeping over friends hous). I’m a “the more the merrier” kind of gal.

That being said...your house, your party. If you don’t want the kid there just say no. If 16 year old niece doesn’t come, oh well. I’d just make sure hubby broke the news. And I’d make sure he didn’t break it by saying “my wife doesn’t want extra people at the party”. Not that it matters, cuz his family will blame you no matter what.

 

[Pink Partridge]

The older the girls have gotten, the more they've asked to come hang out at our house when they're around, they're always over-the-moon excited to play with the baby. .

That is so sweet. In that case, I would not even skip a beat. Of course you can bring your boyfriend, Dear Niece. You have been dating for a year and I would love to see him!

 

[HeatherC]

I would be happy my 16 year old nephew actually wanted to come. And I am a "more the merrier" type of person. I don't think I would have ever given it another thought at one of my kids birthdays. I have three kids and I know over the years there were plenty of people who were "extras" at family events for whatever reason. It was never a big deal and we met some nice people along the way. Life's is too short to worry about things that won't matter a week from now.

 

[ronandannette]

Spring rolls -- China
Falafel with Zhoug -- Israel and Yemen
Couscous -- Morocco
Gallo Pinto -- Costa Rica
Samosas -- India
Tabouleh -- Lebanon
Swedish meatballs -- Sweden
Guacamole with plantain chips -- Mexico and Ghana
Apricots -- Turkey
Fairy Bread -- Australia
Mochi -- Japan
Spicy Tamarind candies -- Thailand
Dark chocolate -- Belgium
Soan Papdi -- also India, but I'm just trying to get it out of my house
Sorrel -- Jamaica
Coffee -- Kenya
Various wines

Should Morocco really get credit for couscous or did it actually originate in what is modern-day Egypt? Did the first plantain chip come from Ghana or was it one of the fourteen other countries that try to lay claim to it? I don't know, whose flag do I have?



Thanks, but we already decided to let him come.

I must have misread your list - I didn’t see “Poutine - Canada” on there anywhere.

 

[mjkacmom]

I must have misread your list - I didn’t see “Poutine - Canada” on there anywhere.

My ds is in montreal now, has sampled it many times this week, enjoyed it, but said it falls short of Jersey fries.

 

[mjkacmom]

You think baby two is slack, wait for the third....

Four and five is downright pathetic, truly.

 

[kaytieeldr]

What I'm hosting is more along the lines of a cocktail/dinner party where a bunch of adults will be standing around conversing and sipping wine, with one generally quiet baby in attendance.

I'm (again; probably should just change my user name.) Anyway, earlier you were concerned about not enough seating. Now it's going to be five adults and two, no, three teens standing around?

 

[mi*vida*loca]

In my family no one would have even asked. The only time someone has asked me to bring an extra guest is if it's a pay per person type place like bowling or roller skating and they have an extra kid and want to know if they can bring them. Other than that, even at a house party, one of my cousins or nieces or nephews wouldn't even think of asking if they can bring their SO.

 

[NHdisneylover]

In my family no one would have even asked. The only time someone has asked me to bring an extra guest is if it's a pay per person type place like bowling or roller skating and they have an extra kid and want to know if they can bring them. Other than that, even at a house party, one of my cousins or nieces or nephews wouldn't even think of asking if they can bring their SO.

Do you mean they wouldn't ask because it would be assumed that of course they could bring someone, or because it is obvious the answer would be no?