Acclimating to an assisted living center...

[McKelly]

After a long year of waiting lists, my mom has finally been placed in an assisted living center.

Long story short, my mom had dementia, moderate to severe. She was at home, with my alchoholic father, who, needless to say, was not taking care of her. At one point, he left her laying on the floor (after a fall) for seventeen hours before calling one of us kids for help, or anyone else for that matter. We arranged a home health aide, but he decided he didn't like her and wouldn't let her in the house. I did all of their cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, for six months now. It was exhausting, as I live over an hour away and have young kids myself.

Anyway, she is not adjusting well. She rotates between crying and yelling that she is going to pack up her stuff and get out of there. She has mobility issues, so that is not happening, although, she is giving it her best effort. Today, she ripped off the closet door in a fit of rage, trying to get her clothes out to leave. She hasn't been violent against any of the staff, but it sounds like it could be coming. She does have a volatile/abusive past with our dad and us kids. Let's just say, she's not afraid to use force to get what she wants or to get her point across.

It has been ten days. Has anyone else experienced this? Did your parent eventually adjust? I am just wondering if we should start thinking about a Plan B in the event she gets kicked out!!! Have you ever heard of someone getting kicked out of an assisted living center? How bad does it have to get before they do that? They haven't talked about adjusting medication yet, do you think they will do that first? I knew she would be sad/mad, but I didn't think she would start destroying property.......

 

[hereyago]

First of all, hugs to you!

Second: are you her durable POA, etc? If so, has no one from the facility (social worker,etc) discussed the event with you and what may happen?

If not, it would be in best interest to discuss with the facility what could happen. and to plan for planB, but you have young kids so I don't think having her with you would be a good thing. jmho.

When she first went in, did they not ask you if she had violent tendancies? I only ask because when I have put my mom in for a nursing home/rehabs type situation that was one of the first quesitons asked.

My mom actually did hit someone, no ripping stuff apart. no demtnia yet, but she has always been a bag of nasty.

she ended up with a uti and that can really mess with older people, but truthfully even though she had a uti, I knew that she hated this one aide, like you can cut the tension in the air with a knife. then she said she did it because the aide was trying to be funny with me and she did it for me-um my mom has never had my back so I actually laughed hystiercall on the phone and said that.

They just made sure she didn't have that aide anymore, but once again, if she continued to do that she would be out.

good luck, hopefully another poster has better answers or suggestions.

 

[DVC96]

My late mother also had dementia and went to an assisted living facility after a several month wait. She was the kindest, sweetest person you could ever meet but she went through a dark and mean period - she also occasionally had hallucinations (she thought her walls were crumbling, mice under the carpets, etc.) She eventually went on lexapro and an antipsychotic for about a year - apparently the meanness and hallucinations can be common in the early to mid stages. Anyhow, she remained on the lexapro for the remainder of her life which really helped her maintain and even keel, but came off the other drug (zyprexa, I think) after a year as that dark stage had passed. She eventually learned to like her place in assisted living but as her needs increased, so did the price. She eventually could no longer afford to stay and she moved to a rest home. Though she had far less personal space there, she really, really loved it and the staff.
I have been down a similar path and it is not easy. You are not alone.

 

[Imzadi]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like your mother might be testing you. Trying to see what it will take before she gets kicked out or you take her out. She may think she will come live with your or back with your dad.

Even though it was a horrible situation, it was what she knew and was COMFORTABLE with in a sense. People who are used to abuse tend to STAY.

And if she has had a violent past, yes she will use violence. It is not a stranger to her or a place she has not journeyed to before, as it might be for someone who has not experienced it or used it.

You might have to tell her that if she doesn't behave where she is, that you will have to move her to a nursing home with more security and round the clock watching, which means she will have even LESS privacy than she does now.

You have to make it clear to her that living with you or where she was is NOT an option. That the option could get worse.

 

[JessicaR]

After a long year of waiting lists, my mom has finally been placed in an assisted living center.

Long story short, my mom had dementia, moderate to severe. She was at home, with my alchoholic father, who, needless to say, was not taking care of her. At one point, he left her laying on the floor (after a fall) for seventeen hours before calling one of us kids for help, or anyone else for that matter. We arranged a home health aide, but he decided he didn't like her and wouldn't let her in the house. I did all of their cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, for six months now. It was exhausting, as I live over an hour away and have young kids myself.

Anyway, she is not adjusting well. She rotates between crying and yelling that she is going to pack up her stuff and get out of there. She has mobility issues, so that is not happening, although, she is giving it her best effort. Today, she ripped off the closet door in a fit of rage, trying to get her clothes out to leave. She hasn't been violent against any of the staff, but it sounds like it could be coming. She does have a volatile/abusive past with our dad and us kids. Let's just say, she's not afraid to use force to get what she wants or to get her point across.

It has been ten days. Has anyone else experienced this? Did your parent eventually adjust? I am just wondering if we should start thinking about a Plan B in the event she gets kicked out!!! Have you ever heard of someone getting kicked out of an assisted living center? How bad does it have to get before they do that? They haven't talked about adjusting medication yet, do you think they will do that first? I knew she would be sad/mad, but I didn't think she would start destroying property.......

I have been where you are. Plan B is a place that makes her happy. Do you have other options?

 

[McKelly]

Sigh....I wish I could come up with another option/Plan B. I have to say, this ALC is REALLY nice, it's like a resort. I would live there!!! My mom is living better now than she has her entire life.

She can't live with us - no room and she is just plain mean. My DSis or DBro don't want her for the same reasons - she's mean. Plus we all work and my mom's dementia is severe enough that she is not to be left home alone AT ALL. My dad left her home for hours at a time when he visitied the local watering hole. He also did not feed her, some days he gave her meds, some days he "forgot". It was a nightmare.

My dad is selfish and often made statments that "this was not how he envisioned living his golden years" and "he shouldn't be expected to sit at home with her all day". Again, arranged the home health aide to give him respite time - upwards of eight hours a day, but he didn't want that either. I should also add, that after the "leave her on the floor for seventeen hours" episode, adult protective services was called. And he HATED that. The social worker would make an appointment to come over and my dad would pack my mom up and leave the house twenty minutes before the meeting to avoid meeting with her. OMG - they are both crazy, but at least my mom has an excuse. And I guess I am just as selfish, because I am tired of dealing with their antics. I was so RELIEVED that she finally was going in an ALC and now I am afraid she will be kicked out and it will start all over again!!

 

[NookOfTheNorth]

After a long year of waiting lists, my mom has finally been placed in an assisted living center.

Long story short, my mom had dementia, moderate to severe.

It has been ten days. Has anyone else experienced this? Did your parent eventually adjust? I am just wondering if we should start thinking about a Plan B in the event she gets kicked out!!! Have you ever heard of someone getting kicked out of an assisted living center? How bad does it have to get before they do that? They haven't talked about adjusting medication yet, do you think they will do that first? I knew she would be sad/mad, but I didn't think she would start destroying property.......

First of all, I want to say dealing with dementia really stinks.

I have to say that I have found the alz.org site to be very useful for information regarding dementia/Alzheimer's; there are so many knowledgeable people over there. Unfortunately, those boards migrated to another provider, and it's a little putzy and not quite as active as before. However, still plenty of good info and support.

From what I understand, it can take several weeks for your loved one to adjust to a new living facility. I'm not sure how the ALF will handle your mom. I do know this that when my dad was struggling with sundowning his nursing home/rehab center said he may need to go to the psych ward (which is not necessarily a bad thing because then meds can be regulated in a safe environment). Anyway, we went to the geriatrician to get my dads meds changed to deal with his issue.

I do know that the ALF can choose to terminate a contract if a resident becomes violent. I happened to have a link for the State of WI ALF regulations because we were researching it for my dad.

http://www.wiaffordableassistedliving.org/operations/policies.html

I would probably talk to the director at the ALF to see what their exact policy is...how long they give, what steps can you take, etc.
Good Luck

NookOfTheNorth

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I am an ALF administrator. The first thirty days is usually a very difficult adjustment period for almost all new alf residents.

Have the physician look at her medications closely. There may be something that is interacting, or something that can be adjusted to provide her an edge with dealing with the stress of moving.

Have her get involved, involved, involved. There should be an activities director there. Have that person work out an individualized activity plan for her. It should feature activities that are purpose driven (not just entertainment) with things that she enjoys. If she wants to join the group activities, be sure they are encouraging her to do so. Perhaps she will need a special escort for the first few weeks.

Ask about a private duty aide for a few days or week. Sometimes having someone who is dedicated to just the resident is helpful.

Be careful about the violent tendencies. Sometimes alfs will discharge if they cannot find a way to make the resident comfortable.

Remember, it's ALL about what your Mom needs; not what the alf needs. Explore all sorts of ways to help her adjust.

Being very, very involved with her right now is critical. Families that care enough to take an active role in the adjustment are the ones who end up with the best results.

You mentioned that she has a diagnosis of dementia. She could also be suffering from depression, a common co-diagonsis that is often missed (or treatment is disregarded).

Good luck to you. Keep working with your Mom and working closely with alf staff and she'll adjust and come to love the world that exists just for her.

 

[Swan4Me]

It took my Mom a while to adjust-now , after a year she loves it



When she woke up from sugery last week the first words she spoke was "When are they going to let me go back to ###(Nursing Home name)?"

 

[hereyago]

No offense, but if your mom was a bag of nuts with the violent actions with you and your siblings and dad, you cant blame everything on dementia, dementia has probably finished off what behavoir or lack there of filter she had.


You are not selfish because you are tired of dealing with their antics. And you have probably had to deal with it all your life.


You have your kids to take care of.

 

[mickilee]

My father is in a nursing home, and most stubborn person i know. To make him more comfortable and to adjust, we bring baskets of his favourite snack food.

We also tell him, its his new apartment. He seems to buying. Or maybe he is just playing us.

He also acts out in shouting matches. And has showed signs of violence beginning to start. We tell the nurses not to continue to argue with him, and to call one of us. My dsil knows how to calm him.

Hope it works out for your mom and your family.

 

[mamacatnv]

Oh man, been there, doing that and offering lots of

My Mother is a violent schizophrenic and has severe dementia. I have been her legal guardian for 4 years and she is in her 3rd facility.

The first 2 facilities were a step above assisted living. Mother was a flight risk and so a locked facility was mandated.
She hated it at first but I will say with time she settled down and then became very anxious if we took her anywhere. We also had to medicate due to her violence and over time this made a difference also.

Facility #1 - was the first place I could find when she was placed on a psych hold at the local psych hospital and she needed, something, anything ASAP. I moved her out of the first one after 4 months because even though the presentation was "pretty" and appealing the care sucked.

Facililty #2 could not handle her behavior and her escape attempts. They booter her with no notice. They sent her to the ER to get "stabilized" left her in the ER for 3 days then refused to allow her to return. The hospital admitted her because there were not a lot of other options. I went on the hunt for a suitable facility.

Facility #3 is a nursing home that specializes in dementia with "challenging behaviors" the classification of nursing home completely changed the level of care, the rules etc. They can't boot her without notice etc. She has been there for 2.5 years, is doing very well and is very well taken care of and managed.

My best advice, follow your gut but work closely with her care managers. They will get to know her best and the better your relationsip with them the more included you will be and having a team to deal with your mother will always be better than trying to go solo.