? about step children and vacation

[jeeperwy]

My family is a blended family. I have one DS10, my husband has a DS14, and we have a DS4 together. The second year we were married we took all of the kids to California, and in my opinion it was horrible. Granted DS14 was only 10, but he controlled the whole vacation with his behavior. DH lets him get away with too much (a true "disney dad") and only disciplines him when he can discipline DS10 also. I realize that this is an issue that includes DH as much as DS, but after 5 years of arguing (the only time we argue is when we have DS14) I am tired of trying to get him to change. Since that California vacation, DH has taken his DS somewhere on vacation and we have gone somewhere else during the year with DS10 and DS4. I have been trying to plan our trip to WDW for 3 years but have had to postpone for different reasons each time. Well, I am planning again for 2007, and I am wondering if I should ask DH to cancel his skiing trip with DS, and all of us go to WDW. I know it would make my DH happy, but I am worried that it will turn out like the other trip. What would you do? Am I selfish to want a "normal" vacation without being on edge the whole time? Any suggestions or opinions would be appreciated!!

Thanks,
Kari

 

[seashoreCM]

The underlying problem is that you have three people trying to be boss, you, DH, and DS14. There can only be one boss, or you can split it up, you be boss for one day, DS14 boss the next day and so on.

Better yet, continue to vacation separately from DH and DS14. This approach may also reduce the need to do so many postponements. In addition this approach will allow your vacation to serve its intended purpose, letting you relax. WDW can make DH happy some other time.

Disney hints:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

 

[hollyb]

Typical, step children get the bad rap. How would you feel if you were the kid and had to be with a new mom who dosent like him and blames him for ruining vacations? You said it yourself that your DH lets him do whatever and is the "disney dad". Why not blame your DH and leave the kid alone?


If your that miserable with the step son, plan vacations when he is with his real mom.

 

[3princesses+aprince]

I have a stepson who is 10. I can't really relate to you completely, me and my dss10 have a very nice relationship, he loves me and I love him. But I do know that it's not ALWAYS easy. And being magical like Disney is, do you think that it would be possible to have a nice vacation with the whole family. Maybe you'll be surprised and all have a nice time. I know my dh would be hurt if I kept telling him I wanted to vacation seperate because of his son. I know when my family is at Disney everything is almost perfect and were are always alittle bit nicer to each other.
But on the other hand you of course will spend ALOT of money on your Disney vacation, so I understand you don't want it to be a disaster.
Maybe you could all go to Disney but have a somewhat different agenda, you could even do different parks on different days, but at least you'll all be on the same vacation. You could even have dinner together every nite. You never know until you try.
I do know that when things are going alittle rough between stepchildren, like they always will, sometimes, it makes everything else harder and life alittle more miserable, try to make things work out, it will be better for everyone!
Good Luck to you!!!!!!!

 

[disneynewbee]

I would take all kids on vacation together to Disney. By vacationing seperately every year you are only driving the family further apart. Your step son is probably acting out because he feels left out or lonely because his dad remarried. If you embrace him he will eventually come around if you keep seperating things he will never feel comfortable with you guys as a new family and will never accept the idea and learn to appriciate it. I have a dd from a previous relationship and if my dh treated her differently in any way we would not be married. If he requested a seperate vacation from her I would file devorce papers tomorrow. I grew up as a step child and I know that feeling my child will never feel like that but that is just my honest opinion.

 

[Not so Dumbo]

speaking from the perspective of a stepchild, I would be hurt if I wasn't invited. No matter what my relationship was with the step parent was. I would sitdown with all parties envolved and set some ground rules for the trip. Maybe even include a special time during your trip when your DH and stepson could have a little time to themselves.

 

[PaMom001]

speaking from the perspective of a stepchild, I would be hurt if I wasn't invited. No matter what my relationship was with the step parent was. I would sitdown with all parties envolved and set some ground rules for the trip. Maybe even include a special time during your trip when your DH and stepson could have a little time to themselves.

I agree. My ex is remarried. She has a DD & DS from another relationship. Then there is DD10, mine & the ex. They have a DD7 together. He is supposed to have our DD10 one uninterupted week every year for vacation. Since our divorce in July of '99 he did that only once. And then he took her for 5 days.

In August, her DD got married in Las Vegas. They took everyone except our(my) DD10. He had told her that it was too expensive. Yet, they managed to get a brand new 2006 Jeep Liberty for her. And they sold their third car. And he even paid me more support money since I'm working for a school district and had the summer off.

One day our DD10 will realize that he is playing favorites by not taking her. I like what Not So Dumbo said about your DH and his son spending some private time with his Dad.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Reverse the situation, how would you feel if he thought the vacation would be better without your child and took only his son and your son youngest son. Work on the realationship first and THEN plan a vacation together,

 

[fofinia]

From your post it is hard to see what your relationship with your step son is. You did have a bad vacation before but it has been 4 years. That is a lot of time for him to have grown up and changed. I feel some of the other comments you received were very negative though. I am a stepchild too on both sides (both my parents remarried and had kids). And yes it is wrong to favor your own kids. It's hard not to do. Especially when as kids we push our parents buttons, step parents included.

But at 14 perhaps your DS is more at an age that he can be reasoned with. Perhaps forming a truce or pact for a cooperative vacation. And that is where your current relationship comes into play.

Most of your replys have stated that your step son is getting the bad wrap and will feel excluded for not being included. But it may be the opposite. He may get mad and disappointed that his alone time with his dad on the ski trip is canceled. Just a thought.

Your not wrong for wanting a great vacation. And perhaps you can have a great vacation as a whole family. Only you know your situation and whether it can work.

Good luck and happy planning!

 

[livie1205]

i have the same problem but i would never plan a family vacation without one of our kids.....i have a ds9 from a first marriage and my dh has a ds8 from his first marriage.my ds is lets just say harder to deal with (my ex really messed him up) his is very whinny but we deal with it.. :..we have a dd 1 together and this will be her first trip in december and we WILL all go and have fun lol they do act a little better on vacation...maybe you should plan on a few extra things he would enjoy like buy him a ticket to disneyquest one night, maybe if feels included he will have a better time.

 

[Gillian]

I don't have advice on step kids, but planning separate, special activities is always a nice thing! Maybe Dh & DS 14 can do something one day, or even all 3 older boys together while you do something fun with the little guy. Spending time apart really does help bring the group together.

I hope it works out!

 

[kathi29]

Wow. I can relate to how you are feeling. My DH has a 14 year old son, and we have DD7 together.

I will be honest; for the first couple years we were married, I did not enjoy the company of my SS. It was a combination of my DH not wanting to be a disciplinarian (the I only see him a few hours a week excuse), the ex not doing anything to promote a healthy relationship between SS and DH, and my learning to deal with an instant family.

When DD was little, we did take vacations with just her. I didn't (and still don't) feel like SS got the short end of the stick, because his mother took him all sorts of places. It was easier for us given the 6.5 year age difference to only have to plan one "type" of vacation.

I have found the last couple years to be a lot more enjoyable than the first couple years. It helps that I don't spend any time worrying about whether I can discipline SS or not. For a long time I left it to DH. Now I call it like I see it. And really, I think SS respects me for putting the boundaries on him and somehow knowing that I care enough to make his life difficult

Try the Disney vacation as a family. You can always split up if you need to, but give it a chance. And don't be afraid to assert yourself as a head of the family. My DH has come a long way in seeing through the games SS used to play, and SS has come a long way in understanding that his behavior would not make me go away. We have a pretty good relationship now, but it didn't come easy.

 

[drag n' fly]

I would highly recommend family counselling before you waste another dime on a vacation that will end in misery. The behaviour does not disappear because you are in Disney. I would talk to your dh and say no more vacations period until we have resolved the issues and established who are the parents and what issues the kids are having. How can you work as a team when the parents are even vacationing seperately? You are setting precedent by not establishing a united front as a couple to cater to negative behaviour. Hopefully counselling will help you with your family issues. The vacation to WDW will be a reward for all your hard work and money well spent because everyone will be getting along........how do I know? I came from a blended family and now I also live in a blended family. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and a new one added to the crew...do we have our days...you bet.....but I speak from experience first hand!

 

[jeeperwy]

I appreciate all the coments. Sometimes it is difficult to see the whole picture when you are so close to the situation. I will continue to work on my relationship with DS14 as I always have, but I have learned that you cannot make someone like you. I always treat SS with respect even if I never get any in return and I realize that a lot of this stems from DH and his behavior but unless I give up on my marriage I don't see that changing much either (even though I am working on it). I will probably just wait and see how things are going and decide at a later time, but it hardly seems fair to the other two kids to not go just because of one person's behavior and attitude.

Again, thanks for the insight. I really do appreciate it.

Kari

 

[solgent]

Can you please give more info on your day-to-day interactions? How do the children all get along? Do they all see themselves as brothers?

I think it is a problem that SS is not vacationing with the rest of the family. This reinforces his separateness, not really being part of the family in his mind, in your mind, in DH's mind, in the other DS's minds.

You said it would please DH for you all to vacation together, so I think there is an opportunity there for you to negotiate with him: "Let's plan to all go to WDW IF we can agree on certain ground rules."

Counselling might help your DH with his approach to parenting. Indulgence might seem like a good idea at the moment but it is not in the child's best interest. Being a good and loving parent means setting limits which will enable better relations among family members.

I also think that you should try to have successful times together closer to home before you embark on an expensive trip to WDW.

 

[solgent]

it hardly seems fair to the other two kids to not go just because of one person's behavior and attitude.

This sentence bothers me. You are making SS out to be the bad guy and you may be passing this attitude to the other children, which does not promote their relationship. SS's behavior and attitude are at least partly the product of how he has been parented.

I think fairness is pretty overrated. Kids will always complain that things aren't fair, but fairness (in the sense of being equal) is not actually appropriate because people have different needs. Parents shouldn't keep strict accounts of what they do for which child and they should discourage the children from comparing what they get to what another child gets. Instead the comparison should be to what you want or need.

Examples:

Fairness thinking: "That's not fair! He got more than me!" "OK, here, now you both have the same."
Better IMO: "That's not fair! He got more than me!" "Do you want more?"

Fairness thinking: "I should spend the same amount of money on each child."
Better IMO: "I should get each child a gift that will really please him."

I highly, highly, highly recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry.

Also I am wondering, have you talked to SS about previous and possible future WDW trips. Ask him, did he have a good time, what did he like, what would he like to be different, what would he like to do if you go again, does he remember what he did that bothered you. Tell him specifically what you didn't like and what kind of behavior you are looking for. Example: "We'll decide together what restaurants to go to, so you might have to go to some you don't like as much. What do you think about that plan?"

 

[noodleknitter]

You describe your situation as a blended family, and I just don't see it. A family works things out together. You all have shown this kid that he isn't a part of the family, and then don't understand that he acts up.

I hope you get it worked out. Perhaps you could get some outside help for an unbiased perspective.

 

[Allison]

I will probably just wait and see how things are going and decide at a later time, but it hardly seems fair to the other two kids to not go just because of one person's behavior and attitude.

Kari

As another poster said, this statement is troubling. There appears to be a lot of issues here that go far beyond vacations.

I think it would be good to examine the behavior and attitude of the entire family in an honest way and not just one person.

Good luck.

 

[mickeyfan2]

If you are truely a blended family then all members go together on family vacations. Talk to your DH about how he needs to dtep up when DS14 acts in an inappropiate way. Why should your DS get to be a full member of the family but his DS does not? How would you feel if your were DS14? Remember he is a step son not by his own choice but you are a step mom by your own choice.

 

[ellyn2000]

seashoreCM is a very wise person and I would take their advice. If there is even a chance that vacationing together will cause more pain than memories, I'd skip it. However, if DS(14) has matured at all and warmed up to being part of the "blended" family, I'd give it a try. The only one who can truly determine if it's worth a try is you as you'll be the one to suffer (as well as the younger children) it this little experiment fails. I don't envy you one bit and I wish you the best!