AAGH! Potential Changes!!

[mykidslovesdisney]

We leave tomorrow night for the world. DH went to pickup DSS 17. On the way to get him, DSS called to say he didn't think he was coming!! Why?? His football coach needs him during unofficial practices bc he has the fundamentals - the role model the coach wants the other players to learn from. Also his Uncle (mom's side) needs his help w/ the lawn service business. I am soo upset. We have had this trip planned since Mothers Day. My other dc are soo looking forward to a trip with DSS. Our time is very limited w/ DSS. Suppose to be everyother weekend but w/ football and baseball schedule we do not see him as we should but we don't put up an arguement. I am soo upset I can cry. DH is also really bothered by it- he litterly went to lay down for a while. I explained to DSS that this time is special to the siblings and us. That if he decides he is not coming- HE will have to tell his under siblings. DS 7 will basically fall apart. He has not stopped talking about this time w/ DSS. He looks forward every yr to our 2 wks with him. All the siblings look forward to their time w/ DSS. I told DS that we would not be angry if he chooses to not go but he will have to deal w/ the siblings. He said that when he told the coach he would not be there next week the coach said he can really use him. I mean come on now-- he is 17!! Let the kid enjoy being a kid! Yes the team is an excellent team-- has not lost a game in 3 yrs but we are only gone for 10 day!! I had to rearrange last yrs trip completely bc he had to be back early for football. We ended up going before free dining. It cost us extra for hotel and park tickets, plus we flew DSS home earlier The uncle issue really irrates me- it should not be DSS responsiblity to help him if another uncle left the business. It is not as if this trip was planned yesterday. We travel for free by Autotrain so we would not be losing any $$ there. We are DVCer's. I have DDP and tickets for him. I can cancel him off DDP first thing monday am(I think). The tickets were purchased from undercovertourist. I know they are refundable still inside the plastic but we need ours. I thought maybe we can hold on to them till next yr and upgrade them to AP,since we will be purchasing AP next year. I told DSS that I didn't want him to come if he was going to miserable the whole time. Making adult decisions are hard but he is literally stuck between a rack. Either way he decides someone will be unhappy with him. thanks for the vent. I don't feel better but aleast I got it out to someone since I have no one here to bounce it off of.

 

[jcpuppy.com]

Lucky he is not my kid as he wouldn't like my answer, at age 17 his choice would be by blood, not some sport fanatic or job. He was already promised for these dates, there is no tough choice IMO

 

[bumbershoot]

Wow, that's hard.

My brother and I were the first kids, so we were the teenagers with different lives while our half-sibs were born. My brother is completely estranged from our father, and hasn't seen our half-brothers since he himself was in high school, other than my wedding almost 4 years ago (and he didn't speak to them). He never met our half-sister, though he did see her at the wedding, since she was a junior bridesmaid for me. My dad has put him on a pedestal, so especially when they were younger, the pain they felt when he didn't visit, again, was palpable.

Is DSS planning on playing football in college? If so, a decision to go with you is probably going to affect that. If he's going to be done with it, well, if his coach punishes him, it's only for a year.

I wonder if your husband needs to talk to the coach about summer, vacations, and family life, to remind him that it's the off season, and the kids deserve to have a bit of time to themselves.

As for the uncle/work thing...families with their own businesses can get REALLY weird about demanding family members must work. And since it's his mom's family, maybe there's weirdness about him going on vacation with you guys...would he be doing this about his business now if the vacation were with DSS's mom?

Sorry about all of this, it's really rough to blend families seamlessly.

 

[Epcot82Guy]

Just looking for options... is there a way that he may be able to come down for at least a part of the vacation. If you are there for 10 days, maybe he can join your for 4-5 and get at least a bit of some time with you. That way everyone gives up a little bit, and he gets to be involved with everything.

 

[mykidslovesdisney]

He decided to stay at home. Right now it hurts. He told his siblings after supper. DS8 turned and looked at me and said "you said he was coming!" He was soo upset- got deathly quite. DS6 just sat in his chair with the meanest look on his face-- he was holding back the tears. Both boys refused hugs from me. DD4 just kept right on going like nothing happened. DSS said he didn't want to ruin "our" vacation by being in a bad mood. He had things to take care of at home. And if he didn't he wouldn't know what would happen. I totally think it stinks big time. DSS kept asking the boys if they were okay-- I wanted to scream "No they are NOT okay, Can't you tell!" DH is bringing him back home in AM. There goes our 2 wks with him for this yr- not going to happen again. HE is 18 in Dec and the visitation agreement is over then. God I can't even think about explaining to the younger ones that he is not visiting as much- even now it not enough

Epcot82guy-a split stay won't work. I wish it would but it wouldn't. thanks for the suggestion

Bumpershoot- Dh was concern that if DSS did not stay he would not be made Team Caption. I truely believe this is what DSS is thinking of. Last year we went but had him home in time for media day. Yes he is going into his senor year but family should come first-- but then again we are 2nd family- not the ones that matter (sorry thats my anger speaking) If it was his mom's family - no doubt about it he would be going with them.

jcpuppy-I totally understand what you are saying. I asked Dh what he would do if it was one of our boys in that situation-- he said it depends on their age. IF DH had to make the decision he would be coming with us. DSS did say no matter which way he choose someone would be unhappy. I told him that that is part of being an adult. Unfortunately he chose my little ones to be unhappy. I am sitting here crying while typing this bc I truely feel that we are not important as a family to him. Yes choice by blood unfortunely it is not dad's.

Right now he is immersing the kids in board games to make them forget. Aargh I dread getting them in the car tomorrow night when it sets in that he is not here. Or even tomorrow am when Dh brings him home. Man this sucks big time!!

thanks for the advice.
Aleast WE are going to the happiest place on earth and then coming home to a beautiful new baby boy we are adopting.

 

[jcpuppy.com]

I am sorry things are working out this way. Maybe someone should mention to him that a man's word should be his word and he gave his word..there really is no debate in my book.
The sad thing is he is making himself happy in his choice(let's face it the sports won out) Can't imagine how the other kids feel since they were looking forward to time with him.

Go on your trip and have a good time, it is the best you can do with this news

Maybe you will win the stay in the castle

 

[want2bamommy]

I just wanted to say that I am very sorry that DSS won't be joining you. I can imagine how hard it is on the kids as they can't understand it all at their age. HUGS to you all!!!

Missie

 

[mykidslovesdisney]

It is soo sad-- DS 8 won't even go near him or talk to him. DSS has ds6 and dd4 attention but can not get the other ones. DS 8 said he is really sad. Which I totally can relate. I hurt bc my kids hurt.

jcpuppy- yes I totally believe giving your word is doing as you say. That unforunately is not my dept to talk to him about- it is DH's. I have been in his life since age 2 but have never felt like he thought of me as his other mom. We have had a great relationship but not a mom/son relationship.

Yes I know we will be okay and will have a great trip its getting over the initial shock of it all. A castle stay sounds great!

 

[debbiet1]

I feel so sad for YOU and for the little ones. You've planned this for ALL your family which includes him and its not on a spur of the moment decision. I know what its like to be the *2nd family* not in the same way you are as for stepchildren but I'm a stepchild. My dad remarried 4.5 yrs ago.. I'm not a child but its still different. My stepmother, I refer to her as being the evil stepmother and cinderellas stepmother was the good one. Her family comes first, her grandkids come first where as my dads kids, grandkids get left alone. To the point I found my wedding picture (was 20 yr anniversary July 11th) in a drawer in the basement after my dad and I went looking for it. Whether its a 2nd family or not he's still your husband son and they should let him be treated like that. As for the coach I dont agree with him either. He's only 17, only a year or two till he hits the real world and wont be able to enjoy time with family or his stepbrothers who should be just as important in his life. My stepfamily has decided that since we are so far away they dont need to keep contact with us. (they're just like they're mother) so thats fine with me its just the kids that I hate seeing suffer. Same with yours. Keep your chin up and enjoy your time. Have fun!!

 

[crazy_for_the_dis]

I'm sorry as well that your vacation did not turned out as planned. But, in the interest of maintaining a good relationship with him, you might want to rethink how you react to this.

He truly is the one caught in the middle, and while you are concerned how upset your sons are, think of how upset he would be all fall if this vacation affected football for him his senior year? As kids get older with school and sports it becomes harder and harder for them to be pulled out of anything without consequences. My ex-husband wanted to go hunting on the first day of buck, and his wrestling coach told him if he misssed practice, he would be off the team. Well, he had the same irresponsible attitude then that he did when we were married, and blew off practice, thinking the coach was bluffing. Well, he wasn't, and he was kicked off his senior year.

So, the moral of the story, if there is one, is that your DSS is showing a responsibility to his team, coach and passion (I'm assuming if he is a senior playing football trying to be team captain, then it is a passion), which although may not make the most sense to you and make you the happiest, is something to commend. If it were up to him, I'm sure he wants to spend time with his siblings as well, but is just torn in too many directions. Since you can't change the situation, rather than have it strain your relationship with him in the future, if you try to show him that you understand his decision and know that he is showing a great deal of mature responsibility, and even though now you are sad that he is not going and will miss him. In hindsight, would it have been possible to schedule your vacation in June or July,when football would not have been affected? I know in our area vacations in August are not viewed favorably because of football (unless of course they don't play!) Not that you can change it, but realize that maybe better communication beforehand and consulting him on his schedule could have possibly avoided the conflict. Then try to say for next year, you will check with his schedule first before planning your vacation since it is really important to DH, yourself, and siblings that you all get to go away with him one last time before college. Then if he gives you a time frame, and still cancels out next year....then you can get mad. Just kidding. Between my DD, DSD, DH and his wicked ex-wife and my irresponsible ex-H, scheduling vacations can be a night-mare. So I know how you feel and where your are coming from. But since it seems to be something you can't change, it is worth making amends with him while he is still there, and not have it ruin your vacation.

 

[Jill in Chicago]

Huge hugs! Wow this is hard to handle. So much disappointment for the little ones. My younger brother and I are extremely close. When our oldest was born immediately my brother was a huge part of his life. Unfortunately my brother had lots of issues and many, many times promised to come over... and then didn't show up.

Lots of tears, but the two of them made it through. They are still extremely close, and my oldest is now 18. My point is that even though he is disappointing the boys, kids are so forgiving.

What I have learned is to accept what someone is willing/able to give. Next time older son is coming over say, "We hope older son will be there," versus, "He will be there..." This helps to take the edge off. Of course they still look forward to the visit, BUT it helps them to think ahead that he might not show. As older son gets older and older this will help.

You are going to have a wonderful trip!!!!

 

[Unregistered]

Did you consult DSS when planning the dates for your vacation? I know in my area football and other fall sports start around August 13. Knowing this in advance I knew to plan our vacation prior to the start of training camp. My child is a senior in high school also this year. I know how much sports mean to my child, hence I planned my vacation before training camp begins. I talked to the coaches prior to setting the dates for vacation. As a single parent I know it is hard to "share" a child with the other family. I hope you still have a wonderful time in Disney.

 

[mykidslovesdisney]

Thanks again for the replies. I do understand he had a hard decision to make. He is an extremely responsible teenager. How many teenagers do you know that get up at 5am during vacation to go work out. He does!

crazy_for_the_dis As for planning this vacation we did consult him and him mom to make sure there were no conflicts. Last year practice did not start til mid August. We had planned last yrs vacation and still had to change it to get him back in time for Media day. The yr before that we went 1st week of August and had no problems w/ football. We managed to work it around the end of baseball and football. This year we were all set- with no conflicts w/ his mom or football since he knew it started mid aug. We get out of school end of June and We prefer Disney in August. It gives the kids something to look forward to during the summer. by the time we get back we still have a few weeks till school starts. I already have next yrs vacation planned out - it is for mid August. We figured this would be our last vacation with him. I guess last years was. I know this will not strain the relationship I do commend him to having a commitment to the team but I feel that we are 2nd family. This time the vacation seemed just too good to be true.

debbieT1-- I am soo sorry your stepmom treated you and your family that way. I have always treated him as "Mine" I friend once commented that I never called him "step" just our son. I never wanted to be considered/looked at as the mean stepmom. He has never called me mom- occasionally just by my 1st name. That is sad that your wedding photo was in the basement. I am sure it hurt your dad's feelings as well. My family tends to 'forget' about him - christmas/birthday(same day) but I am constantly viligant to make sure he is included. They will say oh' My daughter has 2 boys 1 girl" I alway correct them to say 3 boys 1 girl. Or my sis got little snowman family figure before dd was born-- mom/dad snowmen w/ 2 little snowman. When she said she got it to reflect the family- I kindly thanked her and reminded her we had Matthew too.

Jill in Chicago -- I think I will take your suggestion about phrasing words starting when we get back from vacation. We are suppose to get him everyother weekend. With football season we may see him 1 day out of the weekend if that. The boys look forward to those weekends. Plus the visitation agreement ends Christmas day - he turns 18. So I want to start preparing the kids now. Aleast right now DS8 is starting to speak to him. They are forgiving but they will feel it tomorrow when we head for the autotrain.

thanks again for the suggestions and hugs

 

[sharonmickey]

I am a single parent. If it makes you feel any better my DD is away at college all school year and works out of town in the summers. When she is home she always makes a point of visiting her dad and his family. She is still close to her half-sister who is five. If your oldest son Matthew is anywhere near as busy as my daughter I'm sure he isn't at his mother's house anymore than he is at your house, other than to sleep. I know my daughter seems to always being either working, babysitting, working out, running, or at school.

Matthew is lucky to have such a loving family.

 

[Cinderaven]

I don't like to say this, but , it seems that DSS is more interested in what concerns him over your family.

My DS was in football and family came first. I explained to the Coach, that's the way our family works.

When a team comes down to 1 player and the coach is laying a guilt trip on him there is something wrong with the coach also, he is just looking at what your DSS can do for his career and that's all I have to say about that.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm sad for your planned vacation, that he's staying behind. But a HS student who does get up at 5 for workouts DOES show a very very committed, high-level athlete, and I'm not sure it should be a surprise that he would choose to honor his sports commitments when given the choice.

I skipped my own college graduation, because I was rowing in the pacific coast rowing championships that weekend. We had NO chance in anything to win (and we didn't, came in 4th of 4 boats), but when we signed up for Crew, we signed up for what the team asked of us. Even missing our own graduation. And Spring Breaks were a thing of the past once I joined Crew, that time was spent in hardcore 3/day workouts (not summer, but still, a usual holiday).

Athletes everywhere give up SO much of regular life...

We figured this would be our last vacation with him. I guess last years was.


I have always treated him as "Mine" I friend once commented that I never called him "step" just our son. I never wanted to be considered/looked at as the mean stepmom. He has never called me mom- occasionally just by my 1st name.

My family tends to 'forget' about him - christmas/birthday(same day) but I am constantly viligant to make sure he is included. They will say oh' My daughter has 2 boys 1 girl" I alway correct them to say 3 boys 1 girl. Or my sis got little snowman family figure before dd was born-- mom/dad snowmen w/ 2 little snowman. When she said she got it to reflect the family- I kindly thanked her and reminded her we had Matthew too.

Is he OK with that, the fact that you drop the "step" from the relationship?

I'm a stepdaughter two times over (mom was married three times total), and I have to say, I'm uncomfortable with some of this. He IS your stepson. You don't have to drop the "step", it's the relationship. I love my stepmother (except we have some very different views on some things) very much, she has NEVER been the stepmother of Cinderella fame, and she was there as I dressed for my wedding, and my half-sis was IN my wedding...but she IS my stepmom, and I'm her stepdaughter. My half-sibs are my half-sibs, and I love them just as much as my full brother...but that doesn't make them my full-siblings...if they were, where is that extra mom coming from?

(my last stepdad was a good father figure to me, living with him and my mom when I was 25 helped me figure out what a good relationship looked like, and felt like to be around, and that helped me change my "bad boy" thing, but he's Bob to me, my stepdad, not my dad...)

I've never called Nancy my mom...she isn't. She taught me how to brush long hair, which was most excellent to learn, and I was able to talk to her about things I didn't want to talk to my mom about, but she's Nancy, not mom. (and since she's a nurse and I had some medical-info training in chiropractic school, she and I were able to diagnose my mom's leukemia, BEFORE the MDs did, which was a disturbing but bonding moment )

I know that I wouldn't like the dropping of the "step"...



Why do you expect this to be his last vacation with you? Why do you expect his visits to stop, when court-ordered visitation stops? Is there a rift in the relationship that causes this thought? Does he not enjoy his visits? It doesn't seem like you have that impression, so thinking he wont' go on vacations with you anymore confuses me.

My brother didn't like his visits to our dad's place...he really dislikes little kids (he has since he WAS a little kid), and being around our half-brothers just bugged him to NO end. Once he didn't have to go, he didn't go. And the times he did, he got incredibly bored with my dad's continued, doomed, efforts to re-write the past or SAY he was going to make up for things, but never actually get around to doing so. So he stopped going. Forever.


But I have continued to go...spent Thanksgiving of my freshman year of college at my dad's (though I will state that my mom wanted to be SO fair in my decision-making that she didn't mention they were going to the BAHAMAS for Thanksgiving and I would have gone with them if I'd chosen their place for T-day, LOL), spent at least part of one summer and probably an xmas in there...dad was, of course, where he always had been, and my mom had moved to Miami, and I loooove Miami...

I don't think my dad EVER doubted if I'd continue to visit after I was 18...why are you guys doubting if your stepson will?



Maybe someday he'll be on the NFL, thanking his entire family after a superbowl win, and then this will all just be a blip in the road...maybe his staying will show his coach how much of a teamplayer he is and it will get him glowing recommendations for a full-ride college scholarship, and so on. I hope that's what happens. And that he visits often.


(so sayeth the woman who is taking her family for a 2 week stay with her dad, stepmom (of almost 30 years, wow), half-brothers, and half-sister (yes they are all still at home, LOL), for her 20 year high school reunion, and hopes they will join us for our vacation-during-vacation to Disneyland)

 

[dvcbnd]

I'm sorry that you and your family are hurting right now. It is a shame how sometimes being involved in sports can place such stress on a family. I understand that you are part of a team and that they "need" you, but your family "needs" you too! Coaches should be a little more understanding in certain situations. You had this planned for months and you DSS knew and committed. He should have been a man of his word - but then again - he's only 17. Hopefully, he will learn something from his decision. Try to be forgiving even though you are all hurting.
Also try to have a good time with your family - open your hearts and let the "MAGIC" take over!