A question about age appropriate clothing for a 12 year old

[xoprincessmomxo]

I'm trying to decide if I have valid concerns or am out of line and possibly an old fogie, lol. My DSD came to our house dressed in what I consider inappropriate attire for a girl who is 12 years old. It was the same outfit she wore to school. It was a skin tight black tank top that showed a hint of her belly when she reached up her arms with spaghetti straps, her white bra straps completely visible. In my opinion, she is crossing the line for school. I brought up my concerns to DH, who completely dismissed them. I told him I would not have made it out of the house alive wearing something like that at 12, and he cameback saying in his school, girls dressed like that all the time. (I think he's full of it!) I told him if we were talking about a 16 year old that would be one thing, but she is 12. This is not the first time she has worn questionable clothing here. I told him I think if they (he and her mother) don't say something now, she could be heading down a bad path. Not only because of the clothing, but her mother recently got divorced and I worry about her craving attention. Her mother had her older brother when she was 16, and really don't want to be a Grandma at 32! Once again, DH dismissed it and got angry at me for not letting it go. I finally told him, I am not her mother so I don't have a say for at school, but when she is in my house, I expect her to be covered.
So, I guess my question is: Is this kind of clothing natural for 12 year olds, or am I out of touch with reality? I'll admit, my girls are only 7 and 2, we live in a small town where she would have been sent home for school for having exposed bra straps, while she lives in a large city. Should I let it go?

 

[barkley]

that outfit would'nt fly at our public schools-dd starts 9th grade next week, and the dress code for the entire district specificaly rules out spagetti straps or any kind of tank top. all tops cannot expose the belly as well. bra straps have to be covered with other clothing.

 

[Nancy]

I see kids dressed like that a lot, not just older teens either.



But our schools had a strict dress code in middle school, tops could not show the belly, tanks had to have straps wide enough to cover the bra straps, they could not be low cut and the arm holes had to be high enough so that if you raised your had you could not see bra at all. Shorts had to be long enough that if your hands were by your side they were not above where the finger tips ended and no writing on the butts of pants or shorts.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I do not find it appropriate for a tween and possibly even a teen to dress like that unless they were headed for a water activity.

I overheard some teens talking at our dance studio--one of the girls had just moved up and a friend of hers was giving kind advice that the teacher was very strict about no tummies showing while dancing (with arms raised--not just arms down).

I can't imagine a school permitting that and she probably was pulling her shirt down every chance she got when in a teacher's line of site.

I disagree with your husband.

We have a "no belly" rule in our home and it will not ever change.

I would let it go in regards to changing what her mother permits her to do and not nagging your husband. But I would keepthe rule for my house which is fair. You have a right to not have your children exposed to what you define as inappropriate.

 

[taximomfor4]

You said the belly only showed when she lifted her arms. The school doesn't have the kids lift their arms to check, so the girls would be fine in that around here. Spaghetti straps (on her cami) would NOT fly here but I would bet that she had something over it at school. An open jacket/hoodie/button-down top or something.

My dd is in 6th grade too. She doesn't even own any cami's. My oldest does, though, and wears them to peek out of other tops. Once she gets home, she ditches the outer top...but if we leave home, she puts it back on. Clothing wars is something I've never really gotten into. My oldest has some VERY short skirts, too. She's a "goody 2-shoes" though.

 

[golfgal]

It is not uncommon for girls to wear that outfit over summer vacation, even at 12, however most dress codes don't allow visible undergarments nor spaghetti straps. Check your school handbook.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Thanks for all the comments. I think I better let it go, other than at my home. I thought my DH and I agreed on the no belly shirt thing, and I don't want to set a double standard for my two bio girls at home by letting their older sister wear clothes I wouldn't let them. I just worry about her and don't want to see her go down the wrong track.

 

[MosMom]

Sleeveless tops have to be at least 3 finger widths apart here. Definitely not spaghetti straps. Now, DD does wear spaghetti strap tank tops (she is 12) but not to school. She tries to tell me everyone else does but we don't as it isn't appropriate and those girls can get sent home to change. Oh, and none of them even come close to showing belly.

 

[mjkacmom]

Dd13's bra straps show when she wears tank tops and camis, but they're not allowed in school. I wouldn't let her wear a shirt that showed her belly, but I'm not going to make her lift up her arms and test it. It's very common for bra straps to be showing these days - they're just straps, IMHO. My dd also wears short shorts, but not to school. Before judging your DSD, you might want to check out what others her age are wearing - you might be surprised.

 

[lillygator]

I would check with the school dress code policy. It's been a few years but we weren't allowed to wear spagetthi straps...and at DD's elem they aren't either.

 

[MushyMushy]

Personally, I think you should let your DH and her mother to handle the school issue. I'm kind of surprised your husband doesn't have a problem with it! Most fathers I know would have a fit about revealing clothing on their daughters.

I'm sure the school has rules regarding clothing and, like someone else said, she may have had something covering the top at school. If that's the case, why would you have a problem with her dressing a lot more comfortably at home? Do you really expect her to be fully covered at home in the month of August? While I hate the bra strap look, it's not exactly indecent to wear inside the house like that.

 

[IDoDis]

Having bra straps show is a fashion trend. The stores even sell colored straps that can be swapped out on bras so that the straps match the shirts. Bras are now made in every color and pattern imaginable. When I was younger you could only find bras in white, beige, or black. They were sold in a box and were not hanging out on racks. The straps were fat and nothing you would want anyone to see. Things have changed.

My 13 1/2 year old can only wear polos to school, and layers them with a cami underneath. However, in the summer she mostly wore tank tops (often layered for more color), camis, and t-shirts. Her straps did show when she wore camis. Her belly is always covered.

 

[m&m's mom]

I think you are correct- inappropriate and I understand your concern for "heading down the wrong road".
My DD who just turned 13 owns a few cami's but they are ONLY for wearing under shirts that I think are too low cut. Neither of my DD's have ever worn cami's by themselves. My vote is that is too much skin for that age.

 

[PatsGirl]

It's a tough call because she is your SD and this will be the first of many teen battles I think

DD is allowed tanks, camis and bra straps showing for her summer attire but not to school or other functions. I think sometimes it matters how the outfit is put together ~ tight cami with short shorts and heeled flip flops with hair down looks alot different than a cami with jean capris and sneakers with pigtails I've been known to send DD back to her closet when I feel the completed outfit looks too old (or sexy).

IMHO you have a right to set the dress code for your own home so that your younger daughters have the same guidelines but I'd tread lightly in your attempts...

 

[Wishing on a star]

It sounds like she arrived for a visit, that she does not attend school in your district/area, and there is not an equal-joint-custody agreement.
(Just weekend visits, etc...)
In other words, you, yourself, are not responsible for getting her to school in the mornings.

If it is a visit, then it is a visit, and you should defer to the girls parents...

If it is more of an equal joint-custody arrangement, where your step-daughter lives in your home for almost half of the time or more, then I say you should have some input in the ground rules... Especially since you are raising two younger girls.

The same thing goes for the school dress code...
If YOU are sometimes getting your stepdaughter off to school, seeing the staff at the school, etc.... Then perhaps you could check policy and make sure that when she is leaving for school from your home, she is dressed according to policy. Other than that, let her parents handle it.

About the particular clothing...
I would have to see it.
I live in the South. It is HOT... Children and teens are often seen in tops that, by some opinions, may not cover enough.

I do not think that what you have described is appropriate for school.
But, that is determined by school policy.

 

[coles1mom]

I'm trying to decide if I have valid concerns or am out of line and possibly an old fogie, lol. My DSD came to our house dressed in what I consider inappropriate attire for a girl who is 12 years old. It was the same outfit she wore to school. It was a skin tight black tank top that showed a hint of her belly when she reached up her arms with spaghetti straps, her white bra straps completely visible. In my opinion, she is crossing the line for school. I brought up my concerns to DH, who completely dismissed them. I told him I would not have made it out of the house alive wearing something like that at 12, and he cameback saying in his school, girls dressed like that all the time. (I think he's full of it!) I told him if we were talking about a 16 year old that would be one thing, but she is 12. This is not the first time she has worn questionable clothing here. I told him I think if they (he and her mother) don't say something now, she could be heading down a bad path. Not only because of the clothing, but her mother recently got divorced and I worry about her craving attention. Her mother had her older brother when she was 16, and really don't want to be a Grandma at 32! Once again, DH dismissed it and got angry at me for not letting it go. I finally told him, I am not her mother so I don't have a say for at school, but when she is in my house, I expect her to be covered.
So, I guess my question is: Is this kind of clothing natural for 12 year olds, or am I out of touch with reality? I'll admit, my girls are only 7 and 2, we live in a small town where she would have been sent home for school for having exposed bra straps, while she lives in a large city. Should I let it go?

Most girls cover them with hoodies in school. Not sure what her Mom's divorce has to do with the shirt issue

 

[Wishing on a star]

True, it is possible, if not probable, that she had another top on over the tank/cami while at school.

About the girls mother going thru another divorce...
Perhaps your husband is reluctant to discipline her 'because the poor kid is going thru enough....' If that is true, then this is the wrong approach... What kids need at that age, especially in uncertain times, is stability and strong discipline and boundaries.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Most girls cover them with hoodies in school. Not sure what her Mom's divorce has to do with the shirt issue

Just to clear that up, I know some girls when act out for the wrong kind of attention when something like that happens. I don't want to see that happening. I will not go into details of her home life. That is private. But, I don't want to see her trying to get the wrong kind of attention. I just have a gut feeling that is going to happen. She's been part of my life since she was two years old and I care about her so very much.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

True, it is possible, if not probable, that she had another top on over the tank/cami while at school.

About the girls mother going thru another divorce...
Perhaps your husband is reluctant to discipline her 'because the poor kid is going thru enough....' If that is true, then this is the wrong approach... What kids need at that age, especially in uncertain times, is stability and strong discipline and boundaries.

I think he's uncomfortable with her turning into a teenager. When I've brought stuff up about her growing up, he rolls his eyes and says he doesn't want to think about it. And I don't want him to discipline her for it. I would like him to talk to her more about growing up, respect for oneself and body, and the right kind of attention.

And, I understand it's not my place to make judgements on what she wears to school, it is her father's and mother's. But, I do feel I have the right to be concerned, as she is a part of my life and a role model to her little sisters.

 

[CJ's Mommy]

I'm not sure I understand what the problem is with the bra straps showing. At least she's wearing a bra!!! I think you should let it go. I honestly thought you were going to say she was wearing a half shirt with no bra and daisy dukes. So she had on a tank top with her bra straps showing. Not the end of the world. And the shirt coming up when she lifts her arms is not that big of a deal either. I REALLY think you should leave these issues to her mother & father. It will not sit well coming from you IMHO. And as far as what she wears in YOUR house, I would really contemplate if this is a battle you want to start because it can cause your DSD to feel very uncomfortable around you and lead to bigger relationship issues down the road. To be honest, I kind of feel bad for your DSD. It sounds like you are picking on her to me, but maybe I am just overly sensitive having been a teenage DSD at one point. Pick your battles, is all I'm sayin.