A little vent...kind of budget related

[eliza61]

Just a couple of initial reactions.

1) people will disappoint us, just like I'm sure we have disappointed our parents. It's called being human.

2) having to pay a babysitter is not the end of the world. Having to cancel functions that we want to go to as a result of childcare is also not the end of the world. It's called being a parent. Bottom line, the responsibility is yours and your husband. buck stops there.

3) now whether or not your mother is taking advantage of you is an entirely different issue. If you really think she is (and not just mad because your plans fell through) than calmly speak up and try to come up with a solution.

4) you say one of the "expectations" when she moved in was babysitting duties. Did you discuss this with her? I mean outside of Monday?. I mean, If my mother was in a jam and had to move in with her, I would just assume that I was helping my mother out.

5) sorry you can't have every thing you're way (once again, I really think your mad becasue your plans fell through. totally understandable). She is helping out, she's giving you $300 bucks a month. Is she causing any other problems? Why can't she have a boyfriend? You sound like (and it's only the way the post came across) you are a bit upset because she is getting her own life back. Would you be upset about the beau if she had her own apartment? What if mom says "hey I'm helping out, the 300 bucks is paying my room and board".

6) Lastly, if your mom was not there, what would you do about a babysitter? I always ask this question especially when I read post that say "I brought my mom with us to Disneyworld and she won't help with the kids". Like I said, my stance was always "these are my kids" no one but me has the obligation to take care of them. yes, it is cool when grandparents help out but they are under no obligation to do so. So if you want a dedicated babysitter you may have to accept the fact that you may have to do what millions of other parents do and pay for one.

 

[leadfootlevi]

Just a couple of initial reactions.

1) people will disappoint us, just like I'm sure we have disappointed our parents. It's called being human.

2) having to pay a babysitter is not the end of the world. Having to cancel functions that we want to go to as a result of childcare is also not the end of the world. It's called being a parent. Bottom line, the responsibility is yours and your husband. buck stops there.

3) now whether or not your mother is taking advantage of you is an entirely different issue. If you really think she is (and not just mad because your plans fell through) than calmly speak up and try to come up with a solution.

4) you say one of the "expectations" when she moved in was babysitting duties. Did you discuss this with her? I mean outside of Monday?. I mean, If my mother was in a jam and had to move in with her, I would just assume that I was helping my mother out.

1 and 2 - I can deal with and that's what I'm doing.

3 - I tried having these discussions and I can be calm, but she doesn't seem to be able to. Her drama is almost laughable. She throws her hands in the air, puts her bottom lip out, cries, etc, etc. I think a lot of "her" is wanting someone to take care of her which I never signed up to do. If she wants to live her life without responsibility, she came to the wrong house.

4 - see previous post. Yes, this "expectation" was discussed with her. Along with others - hers and ours. This isn't the only "expectation" that hasn't been met. These were discussed before she moved in (and agreed to). She didn't have to move in. We thought it would be good for her so we invited her. There were several discussions on roles and responsibilities before she accepted our offer.

5 - "sorry you can't have every thing you're way (once again, I really think your mad becasue your plans fell through. totally understandable). She is helping out, she's giving you $300 bucks a month. Is she causing any other problems? Why can't she have a boyfriend? You sound like (and it's only the way the post came across) you are a bit upset because she is getting her own life back. Would you be upset about the beau if she had her own apartment? "

WTH? I don't want everything my way. If you only knew... I'm not upset that she has a BF. I'm really happy for her. I just wish she didn't drop all of her responsibilities (this was happening even before BF came along). Why would it upset me that she's getting her life back? I did not enjoy seeing my mom depressed. The goal of her moving here was to get her life back.

6 - "Lastly, if your mom was not there, what would you do about a babysitter? I always ask this question especially when I read post that say "I brought my mom with us to Disneyworld and she won't help with the kids". Like I said, my stance was always "these are my kids" no one but me has the obligation to take care of them. yes, it is cool when grandparents help out but they are under no obligation to do so. So if you want a dedicated babysitter you may have to accept the fact that you may have to do what millions of other parents do and pay for one. "

I would, of course, hire a babysitter. She told me on Monday that she would do it. Now today, with one day's notice, I have to find a sitter. Not cool.

 

[pearlieq]

Maybe it's time to seriously think about asking her to move out. It might be much better to nip this in the bud early before she gets so used to being carefree and taken care of that she decides that's the only way she can live and that she "can't" move out.

It might be best for all of you if she gets used to living independently again. Otherwise you may very well be in for the same situation for the duration.

 

[eliza61]

1 and 2 - I can deal with and that's what I'm doing.

3 - I tried having these discussions and I can be calm, but she doesn't seem to be able to. Her drama is almost laughable. She throws her hands in the air, puts her bottom lip out, cries, etc, etc. I think a lot of "her" is wanting someone to take care of her which I never signed up to do. If she wants to live her life without responsibility, she came to the wrong house.

4 - see previous post. Yes, this "expectation" was discussed with her. Along with others - hers and ours. This isn't the only "expectation" that hasn't been met. These were discussed before she moved in (and agreed to). She didn't have to move in. We thought it would be good for her so we invited her. There were several discussions on roles and responsibilities before she accepted our offer.

5 - "sorry you can't have every thing you're way (once again, I really think your mad becasue your plans fell through. totally understandable). She is helping out, she's giving you $300 bucks a month. Is she causing any other problems? Why can't she have a boyfriend? You sound like (and it's only the way the post came across) you are a bit upset because she is getting her own life back. Would you be upset about the beau if she had her own apartment? "

WTH? I don't want everything my way. If you only knew... I'm not upset that she has a BF. I'm really happy for her. I just wish she didn't drop all of her responsibilities (this was happening even before BF came along). Why would it upset me that she's getting her life back? I did not enjoy seeing my mom depressed. The goal of her moving here was to get her life back.

Cool, there's your answer. Remind her of your previous discussions and obligations. Possibly do the "Dr Phil" thing where you kinda start out with the positives of being together.

"Mom, I love having you here and I think it's special that "daughter' has her nanna close to her but there are some kinks we need to work out....." maybe that would help with the drama.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Our church is holding a seminar called Top 20. It's regarding parenting skills. DH and I really want to go. I asked my Mom on Monday to watch DS5. She said she would. Now she's backpedaling saying she doesn't know if she'll make it on time. The seminar starts at 6:30. She gets off work at 5:00 and works about 30 minutes from our house. I am so angry at her. Now I have to scramble to find a sitter and pay someone for a couple of hours.

I will add that my mom has lived with us for a little more than a year. She was unemployed for most of that time and we supported her (food, place to live, she paid us nothing). She has paid us $300/month for the past 4 months. One of the expectations when she moved here was that she would help us with watching DS5. Ever since she met her new man about 5 months ago, she has failed almost every time we have asked for her help in watching DS. I'm about ready to ask her to move out, but the extra $300/month is nice and she IS my mom.

OK, vent over. Now to find a sitter.

I would be upset/dissapointed as well. In my family we help each other out. if I asked my Mom to babysit, she would do all she could to help us out. Not only because she would want to give a hand, but she would enjoy getting to spend some one on one time with her grandchildren. I know all families are different, but you have my sympathy.
As far as you taking your Mom in while she has been down on her luck, you and your husband are Saints. Its not easy to have people outside of your immediate family living with you. Good luck!

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

OP, obviously the agreement you had between the two of you is not working.
Agreements should be solid as in $300 for rent, $100 for food, $50 in utilities and so on. This is an example. The babysitting is very vague (whenever we need it) and therefore it is very easy for her to say "I'm not sure I'll be available then. From the sound of your post it sounded to me that it was your mother who may be feeling used??? rightly or wrongly. Anyways, as you said that you enjoy having the extra income (at the expense of you being stressed) maybe you should tell your mom that $300 is not enough money. She should at the very least be contributing to the food budget as that is a REAL extra expense with her there. (You would have to pay your utilities, taxes, lawn care etc. anyways). Set a firm amount and stick to it and scrap the babysitting idea. Even at $400 per month it is a deal for her. I cannot imagine living anywhere for that small amount. If she does not agree, perhaps it is time for her to move out. You just may find yourself enjoying your newfound privacy a lot more than the money. Good Luck.

 

[DOPEYLUVER]

OK, vent over. Now to find a sitter.

I hope the vent made you feel better for a few minutes because if I were in your shoes the replies would just be p***ing me right off.

Good luck.

 

[leadfootlevi]

I hope the vent made you feel better for a few minutes because if I were in your shoes the replies would just be p***ing me right off.

Good luck.

I'll admit, they sting a little. Then I remind myself that these people have only .1% of the whole story. Even between all the "nay-sayers" I get good advice and I do feel better venting.

 

[Shmily1]

OP, sorry you are having to go through this IRL and the grilling you're getting here. I totally understand where you are coming from, not that I've been there, but people do this and really don't see what they are doing wrong.

Now that your mom has a job and man, she is like a teenager. You're taking care of all her bills practically, just like with a teen, she has no real responsibility at home, and the roles are reversed, like you are her mom. Inside, she's all giddy like a teenager. She forgets things because her mind is on her new life. Please understand that I am in no way condoning how she is being here, but I have a DD19 so I see this EVERYDAY!! I actually had a very similar discussion last night with DD because we were doing my b-day dinner! It was interfering with her plans.... whatever!!

As to what to do, I would make sure she knew how disappointed you are in her actions. Does she usually come home straight from work or does she go somewhere else first? If she does come home, what time is she usually there? Could you ask her just what would work for her and how much lead time do you need to give her so that she could help you out next time? As with a teenager, you have to go over the rules often--keyword often!! She has her mind on other things now so you have to be sure she is remembering. I do think the biggest thing is that you should make it clear to her that you are disappointed.

Good luck!!

 

[kaytieeldr]

I will add that my mom has lived with us for a little more than a year. She was unemployed for most of that time and we supported her (food, place to live, she paid us nothing). She has paid us $300/month for the past 4 months. One of the expectations when she moved here was that she would help us with watching DS5. Ever since she met her new man about 5 months ago, she has failed almost every time we have asked for her help in watching DS. I'm about ready to ask her to move out, but the extra $300/month is nice and she IS my mom.

We're not treating her like a live-in babysitter either. We've asked her to watch DS 2 times in the past 3 months.

Okay, stop and think. She's been with you for, we'll say twelve months (I know you said a little over a year, but I want to keep things easy on me ). Eight of those months, she wasn't working. How often during those eight months did she watch your son when you asked, needed, expected, or assumed she would? Did she do anything else to help around the house while she was unemployed?

Okay, now - you've asked her twice in the last three months to watch your son.
Almost every time in the last five months that you've asked her to watch your son, she has failed.
The math lover in me determines that you ask her to watch your son about once every seven weeks - since she's failed you almost every time you've asked in the last five months, and almost every time equals twice in two months. She apparently was able to sit one of those three times.

Even if my numbers are off, she's been paying you $300 room & board - which benefits you financially - for the last four months.

She likely feels that paying you to live there negates having to help out by babysitting, even occasionally; she also probably doesn't realize how important this meeting is to you. TELL HER you need her to be home by 6 to watch her grandson.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I'll admit, they sting a little. Then I remind myself that these people have only .1% of the whole story. Even between all the "nay-sayers" I get good advice and I do feel better venting.

Just want to point out - we have 100% of the story you choose to share. We can only base our responses on the information you provide.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

I hope the vent made you feel better for a few minutes because if I were in your shoes the replies would just be p***ing me right off.

Good luck.

I was thinking the same thing!!!!

 

[leadfootlevi]

Okay, stop and think. She's been with you for, we'll say twelve months (I know you said a little over a year, but I want to keep things easy on me ). Eight of those months, she wasn't working. How often during those eight months did she watch your son when you asked, needed, expected, or assumed she would? Did she do anything else to help around the house while she was unemployed?

We asked her to watch DS for one whole weekend (2 days), 3 date nights, and 2 appointments in those 8 months. So what? Before she moved in we had a whole list of who would do what (clean certain rooms, cooking, grocery shopping, lawn care, etc) She chose what she would be responsible for (DS bath, DS laundry, clean DS's room, and clean the bathrooms, some cooking, some feeding the dog, I can't remember everything). We ended up taking on most of her responsibilities because she simply wasn't doing them - if she didn't cook, someone had to! Every once in a while she'll clean the toilets or run the vacuum, but it certainly isn't with any normal (or healthy) frequency.

Okay, now - you've asked her twice in the last three months to watch your son.
Almost every time in the last five months that you've asked her to watch your son, she has failed.
The math lover in me determines that you ask her to watch your son about once every seven weeks - since she's failed you almost every time you've asked in the last five months, and almost every time equals twice in two months. She apparently was able to sit one of those three times.
Yep. She watched him the first time we asked. The second time she said "we'll see" then didn't show, didn't call - nothing. Not even a response.
Even if my numbers are off, she's been paying you $300 room & board - which benefits you financially - for the last four months.
And...? In a later post I also dissected what she gets for that $300/month and how it probably isn't a financial gain for us. She's the one who insisted on paying rent. It was never pay rent or be our free babysitter. I never expected her to be there at our beck and call. We've always asked and if she couldn't, fine. But don't tell me one day that you will and a few days later that you can't and make up some BS excuse for yourself.
She likely feels that paying you to live there negates having to help out by babysitting, even occasionally; she also probably doesn't realize how important this meeting is to you. TELL HER you need her to be home by 6 to watch her grandson.

I guess you're right. I just thought the ACT of me asking was enough for her to know that it's important. It's not like I ask her all the time.

 

[gillenkl]

OP - now that your mom is getting back on her feet - I think it's time for her to start working on getting a place of her own. I think it's great that you helped her when she needed it, but now I think you both need your space.

 

[leadfootlevi]

OP - now that your mom is getting back on her feet - I think it's time for her to start working on getting a place of her own. I think it's great that you helped her when she needed it, but now I think you both need your space.

I know you're right. I guess I'm having a hard time bringing this to my mom.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

I know you're right. I guess I'm having a hard time bringing this to my mom.

OP based on the facts you have provided I believe you have gotten some excellent advice here from all your dis friends. I hope you feel better having vented but if you want real change then you will have to put all this advice to use. It is up to you to change what doesn't work in YOUR household. I know it is easier said than done when it involves such a close family memeber and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Vijoge]

I asked my Mom on Monday to watch DS5. She said she would.

Sorry, folks, but Mom is in the wrong here. This has nothing to do with rent, boyfriends, family dynamics, expectations, or resentments. Mom agreed to babysit so her daughter and her husband could attend this event and needs to honor that commitment. If she wasn't going to (or didn't want to) do it she should have said no when she was asked.

 

[tlbwriter]

Sorry, folks, but Mom is in the wrong here. This has nothing to do with rent, boyfriends, family dynamics, expectations, or resentments. Mom agreed to babysit so her daughter and her husband could attend this event and needs to honor that commitment. If she wasn't going to (or didn't want to) do it she should have said no when she was asked.

I agree. Mom said she would, and then she bailed. And it looks like she gave a flimsy excuse for bailing.

OP, like someone said earlier, you've basically got a teenager living with you. I definitely think it's time to sit down and talk about these issues.