Announcement:
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary
due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift
distribution business.
Home shopping channels, online shopping, and mail order catalogues have
diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further
erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has
received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance
abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did
pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is
known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not
be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they
talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have
negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it
gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is
being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer
do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If
we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
lawyers-a-suing"), the action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
from Mike Robinson, Triad Consulting
-----------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite rightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there,disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: All in good fun...
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary
due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift
distribution business.
Home shopping channels, online shopping, and mail order catalogues have
diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further
erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has
received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance
abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did
pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is
known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not
be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they
talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have
negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it
gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is
being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer
do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If
we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
lawyers-a-suing"), the action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
from Mike Robinson, Triad Consulting
-----------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite rightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there,disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: All in good fun...
