A Little Advice needed... UPDATE pg 6

[scottishduffy]

Ok, it is yet another holiday issue thread. I am kind of torn between what part of me wants to do and my more logical side.

BACKGROUND: DBrother and SIL have been together for 6 yrs now. Ever since they stated dating they would fly to Wisconsin to see her family for Christmas and New Years. No big deal. After DNephew was born my mom asked if Holidays could now be split (one year WI and one year FL) so that they could have time to see DN for the holidays. DB and SIL agreed. DN's first christmas and new years was spent in WI and this year DB was supposedly flying down to FL.

CURRENT SITUATION: Needles to say my mother has been excited *all Year* for this christmas. Her and DB and SIL talked about the trip many times. She has planned for a photographer to take pictures of the whole family on the 26th since with my residency schedule I can not get home at all until the 26th. She has a special christmas tree for the baby (all non-breakable items he can touch and play with) and was eager for this christmas. New wood toys for DN (no plastic allowed by DB and SIL) and lots of fun stuff.

Yesterday we get DBs official itinerary. DB and SIL will be flying to FL on Dec 11, and immediately starting a 130 mile hike that will last until the 21st. Mom and Dad will babysit DN during this time but DB and SIL will not be there as they will be taking a vacation. Okay, not what I consider relaxing but that is their choice.

Here is the kicker. They get back home the 21 and then their flight reservations have them LEAVE on Dec 25th at 0700 to fly to WI for christmas day and new years. They arrive in WI at 2:00 pm on christmas day to spend the holidays there again.

Mom is heartbroken. For months her and DB had been talking about this years holiday. We were all under the impression that christmas would be spent here in FL. Instead we are feeling a bit taken advantage of and disregarded. Grandparents get to babysit while they take vacation for 10 days and then only have 3 days with DB and SIL. I will now not get to see my DN at all. Mom and Dad will not get to have any christmas day with DB, SIL and DN. It feels like favoritism toward the other side.

THE ISSUE: I fully understand that it is DB's choice where to spend the holidays. But I must admit all our feelings are more than little hurt by this.

When my DB sent out his itinerary I wished him well and informed him that I would not be able to see DN this year and to send my love to everyone. Mom wrote a nice e-mail saying that DB should do what is best for his family but would really miss everyone on christmas day. We all wanted to be nice and not guilt trip about the holidays because *sooooo* many people here have issues with being guilted by family over travel plans.

Yet I still feel hurt and my mom is very hurt. She won't tell my brother because she doesn't want to make him feel bad but she spent an evening in tears over this. Part of me wants to write my brother a letter of some sort to let him know that we feel hurt. That we were under the impression Christmas would be in FL and honestly feel jilted by his choice. It has really upset us and I don't think DB is even aware. I must admit I had wanted to see DN as well and will miss not seeing the little guy.

So what to do? Try to write a respectful letter about how hurt everyone feels (emotional side). Let him know that The grandparents and myself feel very saddened over missing christmas? Like we are just being used as babysitters while they vacation before their real christmas in WI. I believe DB is honestly completely clueless that any of us have hurt feelings over this and can't understand why we would possibly be hurt by this.

Or do I just drop it and forget about it since it truly is their family and choice (my logical side tells me this is correct). Push my emotions aside and accept we will never have a Christmas with DB and SIL. Just vent here instead.

I swear, when I have kids this is the *exact* reason i will refuse to travel over christmas. Too many hurt feelings when one side gets favored.

DISer's i seek your advice. Talk to me about the right choice.

 

[can84]

We've had the same situation in my family for almost 30 years--my sister's family has spent 1 Christmas with us, otherwise every Christmas Eve and Christmas Day has been with bil's family--and it's every holiday, not just Christmas. The rest of my family just bites their tongue, since we don't want to say anything that might cut off ties completely. No words of advice, just since I know how you feel.

 

[scottishduffy]

Thanks Can.

We are pretty afraid to say anything because we don't want to upset them and have ties cut off, but it hurts.

We have flown to see DB and SIL in their home 5-6 times in the last 2 years. This is his first trip here. All the holidays and for DN's major events it is always the WI family that wins out.

It is even worse because we really like the WI family, We get along great! (met them several times when we were visiting DB's home state at same time)Yet this is creating resentment between two families that like each other.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I have no problem telling my brother or sister what I think, and I would certainly be telling my brother that leaving at 7am on Christmas is not nice.

At the very least they should have scheduled a nighttime flight to at least have brunch and spend the morning/early afternoon together.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I personally would call my brother. I would not write a letter. Too much gets lost in the translation.

 

[Allison]

Whatever happened to having a conversation with someone? I don't like the idea of letters at all. If you feel you need to talk to him, pick up the phone and have a conversation. I think letter writing is the easy way out for people because they don't want to deal with the awkardness of an honest conversation. Good luck.

 

[BLTtinkerbell]

I think your family is way too nice. Your DB implied he would be spending Christmas w/your family and now they are not. Did he ask your parents ahead of time if they would watch the baby? I think I am reading that he never asked about baby sitting in advance & never said he wasn't going to be there for Christmas until he sent his itinerary. Am I understanding this right? If so, you all should have told him right away that you were confused & hurt by this. I would call him right now & tell him so. I would say some thing like, "I have given this a lot of thought & feel you should know we are hurt & upset because you lead us to believe you & your family would be here for Christmas & New Year's, just like you have done for your wife's family in the past." I would also tell him your mom has been crying over it. I feel he is wrong. He should have been honest up front & said what his plans were. I am so sorry for you & your family. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas no matter what happens.

 

[scottishduffy]

I was only saying letter because DB really hates phone conversations. He is awkward at best over the phone and letters/e-mails is his chosen primary form of communication. It is easier for him to speak that way. I am not opposed to making a phone call if everyone thinks I would have the right to do so.

 

[wdwfan16]

I would call your brother. Never put something like this in a letter. If nothing is said this time it will considered an acceptable compromise and they will do it every other year.

Is there anyway you and your parents could fly to WI and be a part of their plans.

 

[inkedupmomma]

this *IS* the exact reason I do X-Mas at my house! Everyone (and I mean everyone) gets an invite. If they choose not to come that is on them, but I know they chose what was best for them and no hurt feelings between both!

If you are close with your bro, then say something. If he knows you well enough he won't take it personally. Don't attack or guilt him, just say you were under the impression, and if they can't do it this year, can they maybe fix it for next year.

hugs!

 

[minkydog]

I agree with you, they are not playing nice. I wonder if they think that "allowing" your mom to take care of the baby for 10 days fulfills their allotted "requirement" for the holidays. All I'm seeing in "free babysitting."

Your mother is understandably upset. They changed their rules without even giving her much warning. But if my mom was crying all evening about this, I believe I'd dispense with writing emails or letters and pick up the phone. Let your DB know that she is very very disappointed. And I'd flat out tell him she's distraught about it. Don't lay a guilt trip on him, just state the facts--your mother was led to believe that they would be at her home until the 27th, which would allow for the whole family could be photographed together. Don't get into an argument where he feels he has to defend himself. Just tell him what's going on and then drop it. He can decide if he wants to address it or not.

I remember when we had our first child. Ugh. Christmas became my least favorite holiday. Oh, the tug of war that went on. Our parents live on the Gulf Coast, about 60 miles apart. We live at least 370 miles from either of them, so our "holiday" was spent driving madly from our house to theirs, eating two Christmas dinners, opening all the presents twice, with no naps. I understood that it meant the world to our parents to see their grandson, but it was sooo very difficult on us. After he turned 5 we just put our foot down. It just wasn't fair to DS. We invited them all to come to our house. Huh! Apparently I-65 only runs SOUTH! None of them have EVER darkened our doors on a holiday. Their loss. We formed our own traditions which we enjoy very much and we see the grandparents and other inlaws at another time during the year.

Good luck. I hope this can be worked out such that everyone can feel like they're "winning."

 

[scottishduffy]

I think your family is way too nice. Your DB implied he would be spending Christmas w/your family and now they are not. Did he ask your parents ahead of time if they would watch the baby? I think I am reading that he never asked about baby sitting in advance & never said he wasn't going to be there for Christmas until he sent his itinerary. Am I understanding this right? If so, you all should have told him right away that you were confused & hurt by this. I would call him right now & tell him so. I would say some thing like, "I have given this a lot of thought & feel you should know we are hurt & upset because you lead us to believe you & your family would be here for Christmas & New Year's, just like you have done for your wife's family in the past." I would also tell him your mom has been crying over it. I feel he is wrong. He should have been honest up front & said what his plans were. I am so sorry for you & your family. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas no matter what happens.

Mom and Dad were aware of the babysitting a few weeks ago. The flying out on Christmas day and missing holidays is new as of yesterday. Grandparents are happy to babysit and had agreed, but were under the assumption that after this little vacation he would stay in FL for the entirety of the holidays. Now he is just leaving 3 days after hsi little trip.

OK, so obviously people are thinking I should let him know.

How do I do this without making him angry/defensive? I want to be honest that we want to spend time with DB and SIL. We feel hurt over the missing holidays and really wish he would change his plans. I am afaid I am not very skilled at delicately wording things like this.

 

[C.Ann]

Give him a call and explain as calmy as you can how hurt everyone is.. It really isn't fair to use grandma & grandpa for a babysitter and then take off at 7 a.m. on Christmas morning..

 

[Nette]

I understand your feelings, but I'm going to play devil's advocate.

Is your SIL uncomfortable for any reason at your mother's house? Or, does SIL have an elderly grandparent where this could be the last Christmas with them? The latter reason is the reason why we always do Christmas with my family and not DH's. (That and it costs a fortune to fly to Wichita, KS)

I really do understand how you feel. And generally I believe in trying to split holiday's between families. However, some people are just more comfortable in certain situations. I think my DH is actually more comfortable at my parent's house than his own. Maybe because we spend more time there, I don't know.

Have you thought of inviting SIL's family to Thanksgiving or Xmas at your parent's house? If you all get along really well, it could be loads of fun!

All that said, I think that someone should broach the topic with your brother. If it's causing this much heartache, it's definitely not something to let fester. I'm sure your brother doesn't mean to upset anyone.

 

[minkydog]

We are pretty afraid to say anything because we don't want to upset them and have ties cut off, but it hurts.

I don't understand. How would telling your brother how you feel, in a non-threatening manner of course, cause them to be so upset that they CUT OFF TIES? Is there some history here that leads you to believe that your family ties are so tenuous that telling him the truth would end it all? This doesn't make sense.

 

[wdwfan16]

Can you also suggest to your DB that you do a three way Christmas split. Add the DB house as the third year.

 

[HsvTeacher]

Just a thought: Have you considered that they may be flying out on Christmas morning, because it is much, much cheaper?

My DH and I usually fly from Alabama to Connecticut on Christmas morning to spend time with his family. We fly out on Christmas morning, because you can save HUNDREDS of dollars on flights. Since we always pay for our flights, and no one ever comes to Alabama to visit us, I personally do what's better for us financially. (His family thinks it's better for us to come to them. I've never understood that part. )

My family always makes a big deal over Christmas Eve. Perhaps your family could do the same and not cause a lot of guilt and hurt feelings over their plans. Hope everything works out!

 

[BLTtinkerbell]

Mom and Dad were aware of the babysitting a few weeks ago. The flying out on Christmas day and missing holidays is new as of yesterday. Grandparents are happy to babysit and had agreed, but were under the assumption that after this little vacation he would stay in FL for the entirety of the holidays. Now he is just leaving 3 days after hsi little trip.

OK, so obviously people are thinking I should let him know.

How do I do this without making him angry/defensive? I want to be honest that we want to spend time with DB and SIL. We feel hurt over the missing holidays and really wish he would change his plans. I am afaid I am not very skilled at delicately wording things like this.

Sorry, I didn't realize your DB did ask about babysitting in advance. That said, he did imply that he would be staying for Christmas & I think New Year's Eve or New Year's day too. Is this right? I don't see how flying out early on Christmas morning is fair. That is NOT being there for Christmas. If they can't stay until New Year's, then they should atleast stay until the late evening of Dec. 26th, so you can see them & have the family picture taken. I would call him & very nicely, calmly state the facts. Say he implied he would be staying for the holidays & not leaving early on Christmas morning. Tell him you all are hurt, confused & dissapointed w/this & hope he can change his plans & stay longer. Tell him all that your mom had planned. Ask him why he didn't tell you all that he wasn't staying for Christmas. Ask him how that is fair to your family. Good luck.

 

[DMickey28]

I would call your brother and I would tell them how hurt you and your mom are. I'd let him know that this was not the impression that was given, especially since he HAD to have known your mom scheduled the photographer for 12/26.

I highly doubt that there is anything that will change the plans for this year but you do need to at least tell him that it hurts you guys. Otherwise you are setting up for years and years of him thinking this is okay for you guys and it's not.

Then I'd drop it and make Christmas Eve the big family celebration with your family. I know that you won't be able to be there ... I am confused, do you still live with your mom or are you also flying home? Is there anyway you can be home for dinner on Christmas Eve?

 

[scottishduffy]

I would call your brother and I would tell them how hurt you and your mom are. I'd let him know that this was not the impression that was given, especially since he HAD to have known your mom scheduled the photographer for 12/26.

I highly doubt that there is anything that will change the plans for this year but you do need to at least tell him that it hurts you guys. Otherwise you are setting up for years and years of him thinking this is okay for you guys and it's not.

Then I'd drop it and make Christmas Eve the big family celebration with your family. I know that you won't be able to be there ... I am confused, do you still live with your mom or are you also flying home? Is there anyway you can be home for dinner on Christmas Eve?

I live 2-3 hours south from home. A simple enough drive, I go to see my parents probably every other month.

My issue is that I am currently in residency for Nurse Anesthesia. Dec 11 -21 Bro and SIL are on their hike. I work the First saturday and DH have a wedding to attend on the 13. (this person was DH's best friend for 10 yrs and part of our wedding party)

I work Night shift the following week, then also work the weekend of 21 & 22.

Christmas week I work evening shift (noon-10pm), but then am off for christmas weekend and new years. I work evening on Christmas Eve and Day. I am a resident, which translates to slave labor, at the hospital and changing my schedule is not really an option.

If I must i will swing by home after wedding to see DN that evening for a couple hours.... but I had really wanted to see DB and SIL as well. Plus, my mom is the one really hurt by this.