"A happy marriage is hard work" - agree or disagree?

[MrsPete]

Disagree.

Like several others, perhaps it's the word "work" that makes me disagree. It has a negative connotation: It's like saying that the effort that goes into marriage is the equivalent of a chore, that it's like taking out the garbage or doing the laundry. I disagree with that.

I do agree with the person who said that perserverance matters. Sometimes, especially with kids, you're just so caught up in the day-to-day details of living and working that you have to put your spouse on the back burner. It's important to remember that he's still there and realizes that this isn't always -- it's just a busy week or two. It's a matter of sticking it out through the bad times, remembering that you've had good times and will have them again.

And I agree with commitment and compromise.

I also think that marriage is easier if you marry someone who agrees with you on spending. If one of you is a saver, while the other is a spender, that's a tough thing to overcome -- you'll constantly be squabbling. You need to marry someone who is "like you" in many other areas, but this one seems to be really important.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think the disagreement on this topic is mostly a matter of semantics. Marriages don't nurture themselves. There is some level of effort and selflessness involved in maintaining a lifetime committment with another human being. Some people call this work, some people call it hard, some don't.

I don't think it is a reflection of the health of your marriage if you think it is hard work.

 

[srferson]

I think that it is not a black or white answer.

It depends on the personalities of those involved. If there are two very laid back people married to each other it might be a lot less 'hard work' than if there were two strong willed people married to each other.

100% agree with this.

This is not a yes or no answer.

It's about the people and the circumstances.

Some people are more laid back. Some people are better at communication. Some are more open to talking about their feelings. Some are better at seeing things from the other person's perspective.

Some people go through harder times than others. Health. Finances. Family. Work. All these things affect your life and in some cases can affect your marriage.

I'm less than three years into my marriage. And so far, it hasn't been a lot of hard work. But I'm not going to be surprised if some years come with more challenges than others.

We've had a couple of issues to compromise on, which required serious discussion, good communication, and keeping an open mind. For DH and I, that hasn't been too hard yet. But for some personalities, that can be hard.

For those who feel it's always easy, I'm happy that it's been smooth sailing for you. But that doesn't mean that any couple that is not like you is not in a happy marriage.

 

[jrmasm]

Disagree.

Like several others, perhaps it's the word "work" that makes me disagree. It has a negative connotation: It's like saying that the effort that goes into marriage is the equivalent of a chore, that it's like taking out the garbage or doing the laundry. I disagree with that. I do agree with the person who said that perserverance matters. Sometimes, especially with kids, you're just so caught up in the day-to-day details of living and working that you have to put your spouse on the back burner. It's important to remember that he's still there and realizes that this isn't always -- it's just a busy week or two. It's a matter of sticking it out through the bad times, remembering that you've had good times and will have them again.

And I agree with commitment and compromise.

I also think that marriage is easier if you marry someone who agrees with you on spending. If one of you is a saver, while the other is a spender, that's a tough thing to overcome -- you'll constantly be squabbling. You need to marry someone who is "like you" in many other areas, but this one seems to be really important.

To me, 'work' is the opposite of easy in this question. I believe that a good marriage is not always easy.

 

[disneychic2]

I think a lot of effort needs to go into a marriage and the result is happiness. Not necessarily hard work. This means taking the time to be interested in what each one has to say, not taking each other for granted, etc. Compromise is important. Not "losing" who you are while trying to blend with spouse. Understanding that there will be days where it's a bit more of a challenge to enjoy each other's company. In the end, it's about understanding who your spouse is as a person, respecting and accepting that.

 

[diamondpixienc]

Well, I would not say it is hard. As long as you know that the two of you are now a unit. i.e. my DH and I have always said it is he and I against the world! And since adding our three kiddos it's now "us" against the world. Now, i'm not saying we always agree because that is not going to happen but at the end of the day it is "Us" against the world baby. Within the law of the land of course. I mean he'd be the first one to turn me in especially if there was a reward lol...

 

[EvangelineG]

I've heard this marriage as hard work thing often over the years, but it has not been my personal experience. My DH and I have been married 17 years. Life is often hard work, but my relationship with my DH is a pleasure and a joy. It's our soft place to fall when everything else is chaotic and difficult. We have been very lucky in that we're very compatible -common interests, goals, ways of seeing the world. We really enjoy each others company. Sure we disagree and/or argue every once in awhile, but then we figure it out together. My marriage is probably the easiest thing in my life, requiring the least amount of work, but I know this isn't the case for all couples -we are all so different.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I always explain it this way:

Anything of value requires constant maintenance - a house (needs painting, grass cut, cleaning, repairs), a car ( needs oil changes, washing, repairs), same with a boat.

A marriage is no different; it requires constant maintenance or it will fall apart.

Ágree!!!!!

Married happily 15 years to my high school love.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I agree but it is fun work.

Not like doing the weeding or dusting or cleaning after making homemade pizza.

Being aware of where your spouse is mentally is work, but so much fun work. I love when we're driving and we see something and one of us says, "Do you think..." and the other person says, "Pancakes."

And THAT IS EXACTLY what the other person meant and it was because you saw a lady that looks like the lady that worked at the pancake shop.


It takes fun work to get to that point.

 

[bettymae1121]

It *is* work but "hard" depends on the individual couple I think. Some people just have to work at it harder than others to be successful. DH and I have our moments but for the most part things run pretty smoothly.

 

[DebIreland]

Yes, no doubt about it. Marriage takes a lot of work. Anything worth doing requires effort, focus and sacrifice.

But when it's all over and you (or your spouse) are left to carry on alone you will be so glad that you put in that effort.

 

[AntePrincess]

I think it depends. I'm generally a happy person, my husband is prone to mild depression. The only times it has felt like work are when he's been down for a week or more. Even then, I get my social fix from friends, church, and the kids, and it's all right, just not blissfully happy as a marriage.

 

[minkydog]

Interesting that there are so many "agrees". Personally, I find that a happy marriage with my DH is quite effortless.

I guess one thing that might be useful are examples of this "hard work" that is necessary for a happy marriage. Does anyone have any examples?

I agree. Mowing the grass is work. Removing 3 layers of wallpaper is work. Staying awake at night taking care of critically ill premies is work. DH & I have been married 31 years and for the most part it has not been anything like work.

Early in our marriage we made a vow to never call names, never curse at one another, and never share our particulars with others, especially our families. We don't complain and gossip about each other. We have always treated each other with the same respect we use to interact people we work with or go to church with. I can count on 2 hands how many actual fights we've had in 31 years. We disagree on plenty of things, but we know how to compromise. We don't hold grudges. I am secure in the knowledge that DH only wants good things for me, so I can trust him in all situations. DH knows that I want only good things for him, too. We have many interests in common and we make a point to spend time together. Not just "quality" time, but quantities of time. We smile a lot and laugh at each other's stories. He fixes my tea in the morning. I fix his coffee. After 31 years of marriage we are very much in love.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think alot of people get wrapped around the word "work" like it's a bad thing.

If marriage was easy, wouldn't there be more successful marriages?

I personally think marriage is hard work. Juggling life, love and the whole pursuit of happiness while striving for balance between two people, especially hardheaded people isn't always easy. Everyday challenges of chores and family can get interupted by emergencies, work, and personal problems. If everyday was a vacation day, I imagine alot of people would be more happy.

In my head though I continue to work on it because I want to. It's not because I have to work to be happy; I work at my marriage because the love won't let me quit it.

Me too. 32 years together and today is our 20th anniversary. It has not always been easy, especially through teen years. We work at our marriage and our relationship because in those years we both have changed. We are closer than ever and together we are so much stronger than either one of us would be if we were apart.

We are two very different people though with different interests and very different personalities but our priorities are the same and we stay on the same page in every thing that is important.

I will say that the time has flown by but I will not say it has always been easy. We are worth it though!

I think the disagreement on this topic is mostly a matter of semantics. Marriages don't nurture themselves. There is some level of effort and selflessness involved in maintaining a lifetime committment with another human being. Some people call this work, some people call it hard, some don't.

I don't think it is a reflection of the health of your marriage if you think it is hard work.

I agree.

 

[disneysnowflake]

I've been married 20+ years, and it hasn't been work at all. We were just discussing how it doesn't feel like we've been together so long. I feel the same for him as I did when I married him.

Now... if I had to be married to my brother in law or my neighbor, then I'd say it would be work. Very hard work.

 

[disneysnowflake]

Me too. 32 years together and today is our 20th anniversary.

Happy Anniversary!!!

 

[StephMK]

I think it's hard work! I dunno, maybe I'm a b*tch, maybe DH is selfish, I can't decide. I don't know if my expectations are too high or if DH tries to get away w/being the baby of our partnership. But the fact that we're married has kept us together, when I would have gladly packed up & left a few times.

Maybe we are more different or have changed, but we definitely have our up & down times. And I have also wanted to run him down a time or two. The fact that we're still here must mean something. I love him but I'm not a starry eyed, we're so in love type of person and we've never had that type of relationship.

 

[tink20]

Disagree. Its not hard work, but you do have to make an effort and not be selfish.

First marriage was hard work, and didn't last. (he lied a lot and cheated and started to be very mean, verbally abusive) Lasted 4 years. But I have my beautiful DD! So no regrets.

My marriage now to DH is so easy. We get along so well, and have fun together, been married 11 years. He said his first wife was a witch and my ex was a jerk, so I think we dont' take each other for granted. If he is ever getting on my nerves, I just remember how bad I had it once.

 

[Buckalew11]

Yes, no doubt about it. Marriage takes a lot of work. Anything worth doing requires effort, focus and sacrifice.

But when it's all over and you (or your spouse) are left to carry on alone you will be so glad that you put in that effort.

Hugs, Deb.

I agree. Mowing the grass is work. Removing 3 layers of wallpaper is work. Staying awake at night taking care of critically ill premies is work. DH & I have been married 31 years and for the most part it has not been anything like work.

Early in our marriage we made a vow to never call names, never curse at one another, and never share our particulars with others, especially our families. We don't complain and gossip about each other. We have always treated each other with the same respect we use to interact people we work with or go to church with. I can count on 2 hands how many actual fights we've had in 31 years. We disagree on plenty of things, but we know how to compromise. We don't hold grudges. I am secure in the knowledge that DH only wants good things for me, so I can trust him in all situations. DH knows that I want only good things for him, too. We have many interests in common and we make a point to spend time together. Not just "quality" time, but quantities of time. We smile a lot and laugh at each other's stories. He fixes my tea in the morning. I fix his coffee. After 31 years of marriage we are very much in love.

I totally agree. Except he doesn't make my coffee and I only sometimes make his. Mine's too complicated.

The first three years of my marriage I was very unhappy. It still didn't seem like work but I was ready to leave. The last 22 years have been very good. So, 25 years in August--and my mom bet we'd make it 3 and our best man bet 5. I guess we showed them!

 

[christym]

It certainly requires work and sometimes that work is hard. There are days I would have walked out if we weren't married. My marriage vows included good times and bad though, and anybody who has been through bad times realizes that sometimes it takes work to make it through that as a couple. I love my DH but that doesn't mean that he's perfect (nor am I) and there are days where I have to take a deep breath before I decide to speak or not speak. Of course, I inherited my grandparents' Irish tempers, so maybe it's just that I'm more volatile (something else I'm working on).

Work is work. I like my profession too, but I'd be lying if I said that there aren't days where it is some terrible hard work. That doesn't mean I find a new profession (although, I have considered it a LOT this year) but it also doesn't mean that it's easy.