A couple of etiquette questions & then some ranting

[disykat]

I think if you want your own invitation you should move into a separate household and then it won't be an issue. I don't care what the new rule is - one invitation per household is fine IMO. It seems silly to have the postal service delivering all these separate envelopes to the same address.

At 21, I think you need to learn to understand that you are probably not considered an independent adult yet by your relatives. That's just the way it is. I lived in a different state from my parents, but it probably took until I was about 24 or 25 for me to get separate invitations, Christmas cards, etc. from family members. Not so surprisingly that was about the time I'd gotten a track record of communicating with them on my own and not through my parents - calling or visiting them, sending them greeting cards, etc.

 

[LeftCoaster]

02) We have an anniversary event coming up in my family. I am 21 years old. I, along with my parents and a "guest" (ie: my boyfriend) are invited. An invitation arrived today addressed to: "Mr. & Mrs. Firstname Lastname & Kristen & Guest". Shouldn't I have my own invitation for myself and my guest at 21 years of age? Yes, I do live at home, but I am an adult. My boyfriend's cousin recently got married, and my boyfriend and each of his brothers got seperate invitations, despite living at home, because they're all adults. I thought that was the way things should be done. Especially when a guest is also invited to accompany the person. This one kind of does bother me. Especially when it has taken this long for things to even come addressed to me, not just my parents, and someone having to call and ask if I'm also invited & of course I am.



I have already called the person who sent out the invitation and requested that in the future I be sent my own invitation as I am 21 years old. I did this extremely politely and noted that I was not mad, but that it was for future reference. I think this person is now a little annoyed with me. This is a close relative, not a random person.



*Names changed to protect the... whatevers.

If I were your relative and you complained to me about this, I wold have agreed to your request for a seperate invitation in the future. In addition, I would let you figure it out on your own why you never receive an invitation from me in the future.

 

[SandraVB79]

The most egregious breach of ettiguette is calling someone to inform them that they are breaching ettiquette. A gracious person lets those little things go.

It also doesn't really show you're an adult...


I always write Mr and Mrs Jon Doe on the envelopes. Everybody does that.

I am 28, live with my parents, and if the invitation isn't only for me, it says Mr and Mrs VB and Sandra or when it also includes my brother it says Family VB.

It never bothered me once, but that's because I have better things to do than be bothered about something like that? Like... be on the DIS

 

[ducklite]

OP, I think you're making a mountain over a molehill, and instead of whining you should be happy that you were invited at all. If this is the attitude you take to such a trivial thing, it shows a lack of maturity, and frankly you should be happy you were invited at all.

That's not meant as a flame, simply constructive criticism. Sometimes taking a step back and looking at the big picture isn't such a bad thing.

Anne

 

[shirleyb]

I have been taught that you always address the card as John and Jane Doe.

I was also taught that you only need to send one invitation per household and that the invite should specify on the envelope or the invitation to whom it is being addressed. IE: John and Jane Doe and Jill and Guest

I agree with Tina (as I so often do!).

OP, you were beyond rude, IMO to call and ask for your own invite. That to me was a way, way worse breach of etiquette than not getting your own invite.

As for your mother's situation, if she's honestly LIVID about something like this, all I can say is wow.

I've always thought it was male then female. Jack and Jill etc.

 

[swilphil]

The most egregious breach of ettiguette is calling someone to inform them that they are breaching ettiquette. A gracious person lets those little things go.

This is the most important piece of information on here for you. I'm betting your relative is more than a "little annoyed" with you for calling her out on this. Don't be surprised if in the future you receive no invite whatsoever, individually or through your parents.

It could have been something as simple as they didn't order enough invitations. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[Principessa Alba]

I think if someone that age did that in our family, called me an told me about what they considered my breach in etiquette, we'd all have a good laugh over it. We'd consider that they were young and immature, and we'd forgive them.

But I'd probably keep sending the invitations the way I wanted to, and you can bet it would be the "family story" for years to come!!

OP, you can bet that everybody has heard about this by now in your family and everybody is ing a little!

 

[punkin]

This reminds me of my wedding when I did not send an invitation to DH's Grandfather's girlfriend. He was so mad he didn't show up to the wedding (didn't give a present either). Everyone had a great time without him.

 

[bevtoy]

This is the most important piece of information on here for you. I'm betting your relative is more than a "little annoyed" with you for calling her out on this. Don't be surprised if in the future you receive no invite whatsoever, individually or through your parents.

It could have been something as simple as they didn't order enough invitations. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Well said.

 

[wilderness01]

lulugirl wrote:

I think your behavior was childish and most ungracious.
I have no idea what the "proper" etiquette is regarding the addressing of the invitation and quite frankly I don't care because I can't even imagine getting upset over something so petty.


I totally agree. I also agree with "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." If your mother is so upset about something so small, then that is where you get your example from. You need to earn the respect of an adult, not by age either, but if your mom is acting so childish and making a mountain out of a molehill, then it is no wonder you felt it your duty to "politely" correct an elder and do the same. You will learn later in life, that this was a very small blip on the radar and hopefully will see the error of your ways. If I were you, I would let this thread slip away. You were wrong, plain and simple, to correct your aunt. If I were you I would be making amends with my aunt instead of defending your behavior to a bunch of strangers who really don't care, myself included. If my niece had called to "politely" correct me, I guarantee you by my response she would never ever be doing that again and I would be expecting a full apology.

 

[Crankyshank]

Originally Posted by lovemygoofy
I have been taught that you always address the card as John and Jane Doe.

I was also taught that you only need to send one invitation per household and that the invite should specify on the envelope or the invitation to whom it is being addressed. IE: John and Jane Doe and Jill and Guest

This was how I was taught as well. It's how things are generally done in my experience around here, so it's not just my family.

OP you were way out of line. If this was my family, you'd have been the topic of coversation and subject of intense criticism for weeks to come, and people will remember it for years. I hope it was all worth it to you.

 

[NMAmy]

Well, I waded through the whole thread!

I believe that perhaps when the OP is addressing invitations for a formal event herself, it might make her a bit more lenient to those little errors or misconceptions. Perhaps when she is paying for invitations and postage, she may realize that it seems a bit silly to send more than one invitation per household.

Calling your aunt was rude but that's pretty much been beaten to death here. If my niece had called me to tell me of a perceived etiquette error, her new family nickname would become Miss Manners. And she'd probably be in charge of all future invitation addressing tasks so they would be completed to her high standards.

 

[Dr.Snark]

Your grandmother is correct.

Your aunt is correct.

Your mother is incorrect and behaving badly.

You are incorrect and behaving even worse.

I suggest immediate counseling to address the obvious insecurity issues you are experiencing.

 

[Disney Doll]

I did not intentionally offend my aunt. That was not my intent at all. My intent was to inform her, politely, that at 21 I would appreciate my own invitation to things. Does everyone really think that I sat here and said, "man, I'm gonna call her up and rip her a new one about this, she's such an idiot, I can't believe it, rant rant rant"? Because that isn't what happened. It was more like, "Hmm... shouldn't I have my *own* invitation at 21? Especially if I'm bringing a guest? Maybe she doesn't know that's how it works. I'll let her know for the future."

I don't think you'll have to worry about future invites. At least you wouldn't if you were my immature adult 21 year old niece.

 

[mickeyboat]

I can't tell you how mad I would be if my neice did to me what you did to your aunt.

There are so many more things to worry about in this world.

Will you be giving a gift just from you and your boyfriend, or will you tack your name on to your parents' card?

 

[Disney Doll]

Why does everyone assume that because I posted a thread about it, that it is the biggest thing I have to worry about in my life? Is cheerleading the biggest thing the parents in the cheer parent thread have to worry about? Probably not. Is there a thread about the cheerleading anyway? Yup.

I also posted a thread about how my uncle Jim has esophagus, liver, and stomach cancer and he is dying. Is that big enough?

Actually, yes. Your uncle dying of cancer is a huge worry, and I am also sorry that your family is going through it. Your uncle will certainly be in my prayers.

With that sadness occurring in your family, I'm surprised the invitation thing even hit your radar. Makes me thankful for my 21 year old niece, who wouldn't dream of making any issue of how an invitation was addressed.

You know maelstrom, you're doing exactly what every other person who posts "what do you think?" posts here does. They post what they did, ask for opinions and then get defensive when people post opinions contrary to what they want to hear. If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.

You are correct that your aunt didn't send the invitation in a perfectly "etiquette-correct" manner. But you are totally wrong for making any comment to her about it. Period. I don't care if you're one, 21 or 81. I don't care if you live with your parents, live on your own or live in a tent in the woods. Correcting somone for an insignificant thing like that is rude. Maybe you didn't say it to her in a rude fashion, but I gotta tell you that if some 21 year old kid, who is basically still tied to Mommy and Daddy's apron strings reagrdless of the fact that she considers herself an "adult" by law, ever called me to correct me about something like that, I'd laugh in her face.

 

[MushyMushy]

Not that this would change my opinion at all, but I'm just curious if you typically buy a separate gift for weddings and parties, or if you go dutch with your parents on that.

 

[Dr.Snark]

Will you be giving a gift just from you and your boyfriend, or will you tack your name on to your parents' card?

Not that this would change my opinion at all, but I'm just curious if you typically buy a separate gift for weddings and parties, or if you go dutch with your parents on that.

Excellent point. If the OP and her boyfriend have not sent separate gifts to previous family occasions and have just gone in on the family gift, then she should not be expecting a separate invite.

Unfortunately, I highly doubt the OP is coming back to answer.

But OP - if you are still reading this, today is a new day. Make that journey into adulthood and call your aunt and apologize. What is done is done, you can't change that. How you handle it from here on out is the true measure of how adult you are. You have a wonderful opportunity to prove to your family that not only are you 21, but that you are also mature enough to say - "Hey that was a bit out of line, I apologize." A little humble pie goes a long way in earning the respect of the other adults in your life.

 

[komondorok]

But OP - if you are still reading this, today is a new day. Make that journey into adulthood and call your aunt and apologize. What is done is done, you can't change that. How you handle it from here on out is the true measure of how adult you are. You have a wonderful opportunity to prove to your family that not only are you 21, but that you are also mature enough to say - "Hey that was a bit out of line, I apologize." A little humble pie goes a long way in earning the respect of the other adults in your life.

 

[RickinNYC]

Yikes, you called the inviter to tell him/her that moving forward you expect your own invite? Not for nothin', but if I were on the receiving end of that phone call, I'd have been pretty stunned, then chuckled at you and encouraged you not to attend, family or not.

As far as I'm concerned, the party host can send out invitations with first name last, directed to the lady of the house, and her other half named last, written in pig latin, carried by carrier pigeon who mastered in morse code. It's their party, not yours and they can send an invite out any way they choose, to whomever they choose, as many invites to one household they choose, without consulting anyone and most definitely without fear of reprisal from anyone simply because they did not quote to memory Miss Manners' Big Book of Proper Invitations. It is THEIR party and YOU are the guest. Be gracious.