A bit serious but I could use some help

[Kath2003]

OK this is TOTALLY un-disney and I apologise if it is inappropriate to post this here. I am in need of some advice - I am turning to you guys, since most of you are older and wiser than I am

I realise that my problems are very insignificant in comparison to those of many.

However, I am feeling down and could use some support.

OK here's the deal:

I'm 21, and I'm a senior in college. In the next month, I complete my degree. I have a lot of work to do, exams to sit etc. and this is very stressful for me.

Six weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. Whilst this in itself was probably the best move I've ever made, it's shaken up my life totally.

We live together, and were dating for two and a half years. The last year was thoroughly miserable for me: he became excessively controlling and irrational. He is a very angry person and has issues with being in control which, IMO, stem from his childhood. It is not just me he had to be in control of: it is everything. Basically, it ended with me never getting a say in anything we did, where we went, what we ate or even what time we went to sleep. He was totally unprepared to compromise on anything. I do not for one moment regret breaking up with him.

He's very bitter. As I said, he's a very angry person. He did not want to break up. Because we have been a couple for so long, we share the same friendship group. He isn't exactly plesant about me. He wasn't plesant about me when we were dating: he'd bad mouth me to them, complain about everything I did etc. I do not for one moment want to argue that I am perfect and did not make mistakes within the relationship - but I do not believe that I deserve this kind of treatment from him. He's much more outgoing than me: I'm quiet and reserved, so I feel almost like he's "got" all of my friends and I have no one. I realise that they still like me for me, but I find it hard to get close to people whereas he seems to get along with everyone. I'm not a big party girl, he's a big party guy. I just feel alone and dwarfed by him.

There's also this other guy. I've adored this guy for the past year, but obviously never said anything to him or anyone else for that matter. I would never have cheated on my boyfriend even though I was unhappy. Anyway, this gorgeous guy likes me back. Two weeks ago, we met up and, although I've not slept with him, we get down occassionally.

My issues with this are that I like him way more than he likes me. I really do adore him. He's also a senior in college and neither of us have very much time but I'd like to see him three to four times a week even if it's just for a couple of hours at the local bar. I know he's busy and I try to understand but I just really want to be with him. He's way out of my league so I worry about everything: that he doesn't find me hot, that I'm bugging him etc. I only have eight weeks left at Uni and after this I am moving back home, 200 miles away. I just want to spend some time with him before that happens.

OK so basically those are the three factors which are getting me down:
1. My college workload and related stress.
2. My ex-boyfriend's actions.
3. Worries about my new guy.

I'm 200 miles from home, I'm lonely and I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a big miserable hole. I just seem to cry all of the time. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. All I want is to go home.

Any advice is welcome - anything small, I just need to fix this before it gets too bad.

 

[paigevz]

So sorry. All I can say is try to get so busy with your schoolwork that you aren't thinking too much about the guys. Try to take your lunch on campus in a big cafeteria, and just walk up and ask if you can sit with someone. Most people say yes, and then even if they don't talk much, it just feels better to sit with them.

Make sure you're taking a multi-vitamin, getting plenty of sleep, drinking lots of water, and spending some time outside every day..........this will help with your mood.

Finally, come and vent here on the DIS or just discuss the fluff topics that come up.............that's always a great escape!

 

[auntpolly]

Plan a WDW trip! Even a pretend one, just in your mind! That's what I do when I'm a little down.

Now for the serious answer -- you have to remember that this kind of thing is harder for someone your age because you don't have the life experience to see that things can get better. Just try to relax a little. There really isn't any life or death situation going on here.

About school, you've studied hard for 4 years and you'll get the work done and do fine. It will get done just like it always has, just take one step at a time.

The guy stuff -- just let it play out naturally. There's no reason you have to make any big decsions right now, is there?

You'll be fine. You'll look back on this all too soon as just one more challenge thatr you over came. Good luck, sweetie.

 

[Kath2003]

Make sure you're taking a multi-vitamin, getting plenty of sleep, drinking lots of water, and spending some time outside every day..........this will help with your mood.

That's exactly what my Mum said

Plan a WDW trip! Even a pretend one, just in your mind! That's what I do when I'm a little down.

I feel better already

Now for the serious answer -- you have to remember that this kind of thing is harder for someone your age because you don't have the life experience to see that things can get better. Just try to relax a little. There really isn't any life or death situation going on here.

No, I totally agree. I know I have things pretty good. I'm not depressed, I just seem to be up and down a lot. Hormones don't help!

"It will get done just like it always has"

This is actually my philosophy so hearing it from someone else is always nice. My friends don't agree with me when I tell them, "It will get done because it HAS TO".

The guy stuff -- just let it play out naturally. There's no reason you have to make any big decsions right now, is there?

No, there's no decisions to be made whatsoever. I'm just sad because I finally get what I want and we're both too busy to enjoy it, and because then I know I'm moving back home in two months. At the risk of sounding easy, neither of us want the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing, we just enjoy spending time with each other and making out on the side

This really helps, guys: I know you're just strangers on a forum but it makes me feel less alone. *tries not to cry*

 

[Martha7]

I agree that you should forget about both of the guys for now. The former boyfriend going around badmouthing you is only making himself look bad. The friends who were worth it will still be your friends later, and if not, who needs them? The new guy doesn't sound like he's that into you, and I don't think you need any more drama in your life right now, so I'd stop pursuing him. You need to really focus on your classes at this point. You'll have plenty of time for your social life once you've graduated and are looking for a job. So, even though I know it may not be what you want to hear, that's my advice. Also, guys admire a woman who has success, (graduating, etc.) and self-confidence, and who doesn't seem desperate to always be with someone. See if you can project that, (even if you're not feeling it), and see if the new guy starts making an effort to see you. If that doesn't work out, you'll most likely end up attracting another guy as you go about your daily routine. Best of luck to you, and know that it's always a stressful tiime when you're graduating. No one expects you to fall into the perfect career and have it all figured out, so don't put extra pressure on yourself. Just look for something that you can do and that offers a learning experience, if possible, and the rest will fall into place.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Can you get some counseling sessions to help you?
It really sounds like you need to spill your guts to someone who is neutral and get some good advice. You have alot on your plate to handle.
Do you have campus counselling? Perhaps even getting some career counseling to focus on job apps. & resumes?

My advice about the guy you like would be to not pursue him, don't sleep with him, just be friends. You don't need to add to your life right now. You need to heal.

 

[ericamanda01]

The guys will come and go, but right now you need to work on finishing your degree. You’re so close. Don't let another guy distract you. You just got rid of a loser, and this other guy, may be good looking and nice, but he is just a rebound. I would concentrate on getting through these last few weeks and forget about the guys.

 

[auntpolly]

OK, take a little break from your work -- what resort do you want to stay at? The GF, or are you more of a AKL kind of girl?

Will you stay for a couple of weeks, or just a long weekend? What kind of PS's are you going to make? Take a look at the calendar to see which night has late ours at the MK -- and plan a dinner at the CA Grill around it!

Let me know if you really, really plan this, and I'll send a bottle of wine to your table!

 

[Holly]

Kath, you've gotten some great advice above. I hope that you feel better soon.

 

[Kath2003]

I agree that you should forget about both of the guys for now. The former boyfriend going around badmouthing you is only making himself look bad. The friends who were worth it will still be your friends later, and if not, who needs them?

Thanks. I totally agree - a lot of my friends have said to me that he's being a real idiot (except they didn't censor their language). I know who my true friends are and I'm a damn sight luckier than he is in terms of how many people actually care about me as opposed to just come partying with me. My best friend here is moving to London on Wednesday, though - I am SO sad about that.

The new guy doesn't sound like he's that into you, and I don't think you need any more drama in your life right now, so I'd stop pursuing him.

But...but...this guy is FIIIIINE. I've decided I'm not gonna ask to meet up any more, though - we're seeing each other on Friday which should be good, though. My other problem is that the ex considers Hot Guy to be his friend, although Hot Guy doesn't like said Ex much (although is polite enough to him) - I still live with Ex. When I came home on Tuesday morning (OK this isn't making me sound good...), he didn't look too pleased - although it's none of his business where I go and who I see, it just makes it kinda awkward.

No one expects you to fall into the perfect career and have it all figured out, so don't put extra pressure on yourself. Just look for something that you can do and that offers a learning experience, if possible, and the rest will fall into place.

I'm going back to college for another year (Masters) next year but I'll be living at home to save myself $15K. It's in London. I could really use a year at home right now, so that's something to look forward to. My Mum's pretty cool - Dad's OK but still thinks I'm his little princess (above paragraphs indicate otherwise...)

Can you get some counseling sessions to help you?
It really sounds like you need to spill your guts to someone who is neutral and get some good advice. You have alot on your plate to handle.
Do you have campus counselling? Perhaps even getting some career counseling to focus on job apps. & resumes?

Yes, we do, and I will go see them next week.

My advice about the guy you like would be to not pursue him, don't sleep with him, just be friends. You don't need to add to your life right now. You need to heal.

If you saw this guy, you'd understand why that wasn't really an option Going back to being friends could be difficult after what we've done together, too. I have no intention of sleeping with him, though - he just makes me melt

this other guy, may be good looking and nice, but he is just a rebound. I would concentrate on getting through these last few weeks and forget about the guys.

You're totally right....I just can't shake him outta my head, though - I am weak!

OK, take a little break from your work -- what resort do you want to stay at? The GF, or are you more of a AKL kind of girl?
Will you stay for a couple of weeks, or just a long weekend? What kind of PS's are you going to make? Take a look at the calendar to see which night has late ours at the MK -- and plan a dinner at the CA Grill around it!
Let me know if you really, really plan this, and I'll send a bottle of wine to your table!

I wanna stay at the Poly for a MONTH Unfortunately I can't even afford Pop! I want to take my friend to the 'Ohana breakfast because she loves Stitch. I also want Cinderella's slipper, and to eat at Crystal Palace (CP is a reality). I want a dole whip too And diet coke. Lots of. I love diet coke!

You're right: Disney does help

 

[Dan Murphy]

No real ideas for you, Kath, but I can say, being a guy here, (and an old one at that) that guys, young ones, can be jerks at times. Not that the gals aren't at times too, but I do know the guys can be.

As for inappropriate to post this here, on the Community board, anything, within DIS guidelines, really is okay, this included.

And hey, if you want to cry a bit (sounds like a comfort cry), go ahead, those are great.

You'll do fine Kath, hang in there, sounds like you have your head on right.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I have three kids who are in college. Sorry things are rocky right now. You should consider going to see the school counseling service. It sounds like you really just need some help getting through the next month. Are you going to go home after you graduate. That might be a really good thing for you. Go home, get some pampering from your mom. Base your future work search out of there.
If possible forget about both guys for now. As a new graduate you don't know where your career will be taking you. In another month or two all of your friends will be leaving school, heading back to their parents' homes, taking career offers all over the place. What seems like a big deal now will be forgotten about quickly after that. To start a relationship with any guy right before graduation is probably risky. You could get attached to somebody who will live far away.
Also, you need time to mourn a relationship. If you were with the guy for two years you need at least six months to get over him and to find your self. You may need even more time since it was a bad relationship. The bad relationship might be even more of a reason to see the counselor. Figure out why you let yourself get sucked into that for so long.

 

[Virgo10]

Aww, it's hard being that young.

Here are my words of wisdom...

Men may come and men may go

But your degree will last for ever.

Best of luck with your exams. Once you get out in the working world, you may find a whole new circle of friends.

 

[Kath2003]

Thanks guys. You've made me feel much better. Before I just felt like crying, now I feel like I'm actually motivated to do something.

My plan for today is to:
1. Forget about doing any work. Starting midway through the day never works, and I could only get two hours done maximum before...
2. My best friend comes over for pizza (and NO wine).
3. Instead, I'm going to PLAN my academic work for the next week. I will stick to this plan whether Mr Gorgeous calls me or not: he will have to fit in around ME. I will, however, leave time for fun.
4. Get all my academic materials organized and ready to go for tomorrow.
5. Take some time out for me. I'ma clean the bath (I live with smelly boys) and then take one with lots of bubbles.
6. Find at least three friends to come to the FREE Ben & Jerry's Evening on Tuesday

If it is OK, I will use this thread to let y'all know how I'm doing. I have a couple of close friends to confide in, too but often it's easier to talk to strangers. Plus: my friends are as young and naive as I am.

 

[kaygela]

Focus on your schoolwork. Accomplishing something worthwhile always does tons of good for the esteem. And that sounds like what you need right now. work on feeling good about yourself and all the other good stuff will follow. As far as the guys, anyone or anything that makes you feel uncomfotable or unhappy should be avoided. If the new guy does not make you feel terrific and happy, but instead somewhat empty, avoid. You deserve a whole lot better.

 

[Kath2003]

If the new guy does not make you feel terrific and happy, but instead somewhat empty, avoid. You deserve a whole lot better.

He makes me feel SOOOOO good. It's just, I want to see more of him because he's so so so so so lovely.

I could never get enough!

 

[kaygela]

It sounds like you are infatuated. You said he doesn't care for you at that same level you care for him. Being involved with someone when your feelings are not returned spells "danger".

 

[Kath2003]

It sounds like you are infatuated. You said he doesn't care for you at that same level you care for him. Being involved with someone when your feelings are not returned spells "danger".

You are, of course, right. I have no intention of ever being this guy's girlfriend, though: I know it is simply an eight-week thing at best. It is not a relationship of any kind, believe me: more friends-with-benefits. He is, however, the least of the three problems and he is the one thing that makes me feel great when he is around. I'm somewhat reluctant to give up the one thing I have to look forward to...

 

[Martha7]

I have to chime in again here...the whole "friends with benefits" thing doesn't sound like it could really work in the real world, since once you are intimate with someone, you're going to get attached. I know guys claim not to feel the same way, but I'm not sure I really believe that either. I'm just afraid of how you're going to feel when the relationship ends and you go back home. I don't want you to be heartbroken! If you think about it, it's also not really fair to the guy that you're only with him because he's pretty. I have an 18 year old son who's gorgeous, and I know he'd have his feelings hurt if someone was getting together with him just for the physical relationship, with no plans for the future. I think you're in danger of falling for someone who may not reciprocate, and then you'll feel even more down than you do now.

 

[Kath2003]

I have to chime in again here...the whole "friends with benefits" thing doesn't sound like it could really work in the real world, since once you are intimate with someone, you're going to get attached. I know guys claim not to feel the same way, but I'm not sure I really believe that either. I'm just afraid of how you're going to feel when the relationship ends and you go back home. I don't want you to be heartbroken! If you think about it, it's also not really fair to the guy that you're only with him because he's pretty. I have an 18 year old son who's gorgeous, and I know he'd have his feelings hurt if someone was getting together with him just for the physical relationship, with no plans for the future. I think you're in danger of falling for someone who may not reciprocate, and then you'll feel even more down than you do now.

It would never work in the real world. But this isn't the real world: this is college. I won't be heartbroken, I know the deal and yes, I can do it without getting attatched. Nor am I only with him because he is pretty: we have been friends for two years.