.!

[Pembo]

.

 

[Marseeya]

A very long history with this woman and her husband.....they have been very nasty in a passive/agressive way for many years. About 5 years we cut off all contact with them and life has been so much sweeter. Now fil has the beginning stages of Alzheimers and all of a sudden she wants to have a relationship again. So she calls me to talk to her son for her! I have no respect for them, he at least has some.

Tell me, would you be able to "forget" all the wrongs of someone just because they are facing a terminal illness???

Just a word about the "history" - think psychological abuse.

I'd pass along the message and leave it entirely up to my DH. I try very hard not to interfere with my DH and his parents, no matter how much I want to.

 

[snoopy]

Tell me, would you be able to "forget" all the wrongs of someone just because they are facing a terminal illness???

Not forget, but forgive. I would and I have.

 

[Pembo]

.

 

[mtblujeans]

.....Tell me, would you be able to "forget" all the wrongs of someone just because they are facing a terminal illness???....

No. By the time people have made me angry enough to cut them out of my life, they have done some pretty prolonged or "in-your-face" things. I haven't been able to get passed that negative interaction. I have my own relatives whom I will never have contact with again....no matter what.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Tell me, would you be able to "forget" all the wrongs of someone just because they are facing a terminal illness???

Just a word about the "history" - think psychological abuse.

Is the abuse from the FIL or MIL or both?

 

[diznygirl]

I wouldn't re-establish a relationship just because someone was dying. But if they were sorry and said so and asked for forgiveness - well, then that is another thing and I would give it chance.

 

[Pembo]

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[ahutton]

Not only do I check caller ID, but either DH answers the phone or it goes to the machine!!!

I don't pretend to understand the dynamics of DH's family and how they treat him, I just know they upset me when I observe their behavior towards him. However, DH has expressed his wish we continue to participate in that family, so I do with him. And I support and hug him when they upset him. I know that in the long run the best thing for our family is for me to smile and do what DH wants in regards to his family, even if I don't agree with them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The abuse has been from both of them. And the word "sorry" is not in their vocabulary.

No way then. Sounds as if these people are evil. Perhaps they are getting their just rewards now?

 

[RUDisney]

When my FIL (whom I never met, BTW) was dying, he called the house and I talked to him for about an hour. He was verbally abusive to DH, his siblings and Mom and physically abusive to his wife. For 19 years, my DH had nothing to do with this man.

After he and I talked, he asked if DH could help to clean out his apartment since he was going into a nursing home. He also wanted DH to rework his bank accounts. I told DH this and although he couldn't admit it to his mother, he and one of his cousins (with cousin's work crew) cleaned out the apartment. He didn't want me there. It was something he had to do by himself. Cousin (through marriage) was only a means to an end.

He put off retooling the finances and his father died. He was upset for about 3-days. Not because he was sorry that his father had passed, but because he was sorry for the relationship that could have been had his father not been such a jerk.

Anyway, at least he was able to do one last thing for his father, so he won't feel guilty about not doing it.

Remember, the cards are in your favor now. If MIL and FIL need you and start to misbehave, you can cut them off at the knees. If you decide to reconcile with them, make it clear that the slate has been erased and you are moving forward. Any time they revert to their old ways will mean the end of the relationship.

Heck, it took my mother calling my MIL to tell her to cut the crap (in other words) in her relationship with me. We have had a wonderful relationship for about 18-months now because of this. MIL apologized to me for 10-years of sh** and I agreed that it was complete BS.

You can look at this as an opportunity to lay all on the line, or you can curl up and not face them. The choice is yours. No one can make it for you and your DH. Either way, I hope you find peace with your decision.

 

[alliecats]

I find it hard to forgive people who haven't asked for it, esp. since the behavior will likely continue once the relationship resumes.

I can't tell you what you should do, although I have experienced this kind of abusive relationship. I can only tell you what I would do myself--I would not get back into this. I suspect the mil is doing this so she will have someone to share the burden because it will be easier on her, no matter what it does to your DH. In other words, now that it serves her purpose, she is trying to effect a reconciliation. I feel sorry for your FIL, and while I might make a kind gesture towards him, I would not pick up where I left off in the relationship.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[lissawynn]

Maybe they're trying to make amends. Give things a try. Then you can say YOU tried and you won't have regrets later on in life.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Someone would have to bring this up now....

OK, well, my father and I have not really spoken since I was 4 years old (his choice not mine). I went to him many times trying to rekindle what COULD be a relationship! And everytime I got shot down. When I had kids, this became even MORE important for us to have a relationship, well, all I got was "you never should have even HAD kids". Yeah ok, so I go away hurt yet again.

Now, I have spent 3/4 of my life being angry at the world for my father not being in my life, and it STILL affects me everyday. I try to bury it, and I succeed for awhile, but then I get hit with it again and it all comes rushing back (I do blame this on my inability to have a REAL relationship with a man).

Anyways, as MUCH hurt and nasty words and pain as my father has caused me in my entire life, and as much as I LOVE to bold up and say, I won't be the one going to his funeral, I know DARNED well, that if that is the ONLY chance I have at having ANYTHING at all with my father, I will take it.

My father is a very abusive man, verbally and physically. But I STILL want something with him, am I nuts? My mom says I am, but it is something I have never had.

I think that your DH needs to make that choice for his own peace of mind. Even if they don't apologize, and even IF it is because of an illness or whatever, I just know how deep those sorts of things go and how MUCH they can affect you as a whole person.

Yeah ok, so I babbled, and all in all, yeah, I would forgive... but I don't care WHO you are, you will NEVER forget!

 

[inaminute]

Making this kind of decision is not easy. Having been there, the only real advice I can give is to think it through very carefully. Only you can decide if a relationship with your husband's parents is workable for you.

Also remember that you can only make the decision for yourself. Your DH has to make his own decision as to whether he can forgive his parents. When all is said and done you each have to live with your decision. Regret is a horrible thing--and especially worse when it's too late to make changes.

 

[Pembo]

.

 

[minkydog]

Give your DH the message and let him make his own decision. It's so much more complicated than it seems

My dad & I were estranged for 30 yrs due to his psychological & physical abuse--in short, i didn't need him in my life and i didn't tolerate his misdeeds. He was a jerk all the days of his life. He got lung cancer(mesothelioma) from asbestos exposure and had <1yr to live. I was unmoved--too much history.

Then, I went to see him while on a trip to somewhere else. Something about him melted my heart--he was so pitiful, so frail. He was as jerk-y as ever, but the sight of him struggling for air, so scared he would die... I changed my trip plans and decided to stay a few days. I will never regret it. Dad was so grateful for my presence. He apologized for the way he had treated me, for being a bad dad ,for all the things he ever did. Just getting it off his chest seemed to release him and it certainly helped us put some old fights to rest. I promised him that I would not let him die gasping for breath, in pain and alone and I made good on that promise.

A lot of people don't understand why I did it, but it made me feel better. Your DH will have to decide for himself whether this is what he wants. I found that it was never too late for a good relationship. The last 21 days of my dad's life were the best 3 wks of mine.

 

[ahutton]

A lot of people don't understand why I did it, but it made me feel better.

That is ultimately what matters, is if it brings YOU peace, or in the OP's case, if it brings DH peace.

 

[Buckalew11]

I watched my mother forgive her father who had many "issues". He has passed on now and I know that she knows she did the right thing mending the fences.

Maybe your MIL just can't mention Alzheimers. My dad has cancer and we don't say the word "cancer" much. We're not in denial of the disease that will take his life but the word is just too painful to speak at this point.

I thought about your DH being a minister (I think I'm remembering that right) so he already knows what the Bible says about forgiveness. I think it can be one of the hardest things to ever do but probably one of the best one can do for one's own self.

It would be very hard to forgive people who abuse you when they are the ones who were/are supposed to love you. However, like I said, my mom did forgive and her life is probably better for it today.

 

[Buckalew11]

Give your DH the message and let him make his own decision. It's so much more complicated than it seems

My dad & I were estranged for 30 yrs due to his psychological & physical abuse--in short, i didn't need him in my life and i didn't tolerate his misdeeds. He was a jerk all the days of his life. He got lung cancer(mesothelioma) from asbestos exposure and had <1yr to live. I was unmoved--too much history.

Then, I went to see him while on a trip to somewhere else. Something about him melted my heart--he was so pitiful, so frail. He was as jerk-y as ever, but the sight of him struggling for air, so scared he would die... I changed my trip plans and decided to stay a few days. I will never regret it. Dad was so grateful for my presence. He apologized for the way he had treated me, for being a bad dad ,for all the things he ever did. Just getting it off his chest seemed to release him and it certainly helped us put some old fights to rest. I promised him that I would not let him die gasping for breath, in pain and alone and I made good on that promise.

A lot of people don't understand why I did it, but it made me feel better. Your DH will have to decide for himself whether this is what he wants. I found that it was never too late for a good relationship. The last 21 days of my dad's life were the best 3 wks of mine.

Wow. I thinks it takes a very big person to do what you did, Minkydog. Really big. I'm glad you shared that. I know a young girl who died of that last year 9in her 20's!). It was a lot of treatments that never seemed to help much and a rough way to go. {{{hugs}}} to you.