9 year old daughter overly emotional?

[ohhhhhshiny]

Anyone have an experiences with 9 year old girls?

My daughter is in third grade. She has a school folder that she brings home each week that her teacher signs regarding work, behavior, etc. Last week the teacher wrote a note saying that while she hasn't had to put her name on the board, she had gotten several warnings about her attitude both on the playground and in the classroom about doing her work. Let me clarify, not a disrespectful attitude, but more of a pouty, "I've lost my best friend, woe is me," type of attitude. We dealt with that and the teacher reports she's been better this week at school and had a great week.

BUT...every day this week she has cried before I leave for work, telling me she doesn't want to go to school. She says her work is too hard, it's not fun, etc. (I believe the work may be labor intensive, but not difficult for her ability.). She says she misses me all day long at school. She's asked that I sit by her bed until she falls asleep at night again. She had to recite a poem this morning and, although she knew the poem, had a little panic attack complete with tears about how she knows she's going to forget it.

I also coach her sports team, and have gotten on her in the last week. She told me I yell at her all the time and never tell her she does anything well on Monday. So, although I didn't really agree, I thought about it and made a concerted effort to be sure I was praising her for things that she does well at other practices. It's like she takes all criticism to heart and personally. If she can't do something perfectly well the first time, she gets frustrated and wants to quit.

Is this maybe hormone related? She has no outward signs of puberty but she's had a huge growth spurt. I just don't know what to do with her. I hate that she's unhappy but since she has complaints about school, her sport, and home, I am more inclined to think its her attitude more so than any specific issue anywhere.

Any ideas? I've been worried all week and really have no better insight today than I did Monday.

 

[summerblue]

It could be hormone related my niece had hormonal changes for nearly a year before showing other signs of puberty.


However, I would look at what may be going on at school. Has she ever had issues before. SOmeone maybe bullying her' girls are brutal at that age to each other. She may have gotten embarrassed about something and it is taking an emotional toll. Sit her down and talk to her, as much as we like to think our kids would come to us with their problems, they don't. Start an open no confrontational honest discussion to figure out what is going on. Dd last year in. 1 st grade was having full on anxiety attacks about going to school , turns out she was being" teased by a bunch of girls and being bullied by a little boy. When I asked why she hadn't talked to be she said she was worried they would tease her for being a tattle tale.

 

[goofy4tink]

My dd, now 20, had a really hard time at that age. I remember that I found out that she went to the restroom about 10 times a day. The aide thought she had a bladder issue. Nope, the other kids were teasing her, so she hid. Nice. A lot of kids this age start to get overwhelmed. They have so much going on. Third grade is almost the end of being able to be a 'kid' nowadays. She may feel that there is no way she is going to be perfect, so why bother trying. Then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Are there any activities she can take a break from? Don't compliment her for nothing. Kids know when they've done something worthwhile. But find things and moments when she has done well, and hand out that praise. Make time for her....just the two of you. It's hard, I know. But this too shall pass.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, it is hard to say.... but think I might see enough clues and red-flags to find out if anything bad is going on.

Tween girls can be hormonal and fickle... But, I am not sure that this is all that is going on. A kid shouldn't cry every day about going to school.

My 'mother's instinct' is going off here.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I also think this is hormone/puberty related. It hits girls a tad sooner than boys I think. But it all depends on the kid, everyone is different. I agree with the poster above thou, crying every day is a bit much. There could be something else going on.

Im going thru some challenges of my own right now with my DS13.

 

[kirstenb1]

In our county, 3rd grade is a very tough year. Lots of pressure to become more independent, SOL's (standardized testing), higher standards for behavior, lots of switching classes, so they really need very good organizational skills. I remember this was a tough year for our older dd.

 

[rodeo65]

I'll jump on board with those who say daily crying sends a bit of a red flag, although I will add that as a mother of an 11 yr old perfectionist DD, I see some similar issues. This has been noticeable for about a year or so.

While she doesn't cry every day, che can certainly go from laughing uncontrollably to sobbing and back to hysterical laughter in the span of two minutes. Not all the time, but definitely some days are more hormonal than others. That's when the perfectionist tendencies seem to overwhelm her and often when she takes a more I quit / I hate this attitude.

I usually try (and manage) to joke her out of it, although not always, especially when I'm the source of her frustration - you know, not letting the 11 yr old be 18. I also think this works a fair bit with her since that is her nature - she can be sarcastic and jokey a lot of the time.

 

[Dizneefamily+4]

Well, it is hard to say.... but think I might see enough clues and red-flags to find out if anything bad is going on.

Tween girls can be hormonal and fickle... But, I am not sure that this is all that is going on. A kid shouldn't cry every day about going to school.

My 'mother's instinct' is going off here.

My dd8 1/2 is also a 3rd grader. She's pretty level-set emotionally yet. However, we went through a phase last year (2nd grade) that was very similar to your dd. She would cry in the mornings when I dropped her off and she got very clingy. It wasn't like her at all - she LOVES school. After much poking and prodding, it turned out she overheard discussion (by other kids at school) of the Sandy Hook shooting and it scared her. She was afraid something similar would happen while she was at school. We talked her down from the wall and I started sending her to school with a "kiss" in her pocket. I kissed a piece of scrap paper with lipstick on, so she'd have my kiss with her all day. We got her through.

This really sounds to me like something going on at school. I'd try to do some digging. Good luck, I know it's a rough period to get through!

 

[cari12]

I agree with other PP's that there may be something else going on like teasing because it seems that crying everyday is more than just hormones. Talk to her and see if there is anything going on she is uncomfortable with. There can be lots of drama between girls that age.
Also, is she getting enough sleep? I know when my kids haven't had enough, they start getting upset about really minor things.

 

[GotLabradors]

Anyone have an experiences with 9 year old girls?

My daughter is in third grade. She has a school folder that she brings home each week that her teacher signs regarding work, behavior, etc. Last week the teacher wrote a note saying that while she hasn't had to put her name on the board, she had gotten several warnings about her attitude both on the playground and in the classroom about doing her work. Let me clarify, not a disrespectful attitude, but more of a pouty, "I've lost my best friend, woe is me," type of attitude. We dealt with that and the teacher reports she's been better this week at school and had a great week.

BUT...every day this week she has cried before I leave for work, telling me she doesn't want to go to school. She says her work is too hard, it's not fun, etc. (I believe the work may be labor intensive, but not difficult for her ability.). She says she misses me all day long at school. She's asked that I sit by her bed until she falls asleep at night again. She had to recite a poem this morning and, although she knew the poem, had a little panic attack complete with tears about how she knows she's going to forget it.

I also coach her sports team, and have gotten on her in the last week. She told me I yell at her all the time and never tell her she does anything well on Monday. So, although I didn't really agree, I thought about it and made a concerted effort to be sure I was praising her for things that she does well at other practices. It's like she takes all criticism to heart and personally. If she can't do something perfectly well the first time, she gets frustrated and wants to quit.

Is this maybe hormone related? She has no outward signs of puberty but she's had a huge growth spurt. I just don't know what to do with her. I hate that she's unhappy but since she has complaints about school, her sport, and home, I am more inclined to think its her attitude more so than any specific issue anywhere.

Any ideas? I've been worried all week and really have no better insight today than I did Monday.

It sounds like the puberty bug has hit early for your DD. If the crying and clinging don't wane soon, I'd make an appointment with her pediatrician and have a chat. I had a student last year (6th grader) who had been going through similar issues since 3rd grade. Her parents finally took her to a therapist last year. She has major anxiety issues. The therapist has helped a ton and the parents wished they had done it sooner.

 

[Surfinpiratee]

Well, since she seems pretty attached y you, it might be more she just doesn't want you to leave her? I was definitely like that when i was that age. There were times I would fake sick to go home to be with her

Also, if there was ever a time I knew about in advance where we had to pick partners for something. That was the worst. I probably cried about it, I was always worried that no one would want to be my partner.

 

[lauradis]

Yes evil hormones can start at 9.

How long has she been sad about everything?

I would take her to lunch like a girlfriend and ask her if she could change whatever is bothering her what would she do. This just might get her to open up a little.

If she continues, I would being running to get professional help.

Love without judgement is the best thing a mother can do for a daughter.

 

[Poohforyou]

I have to tell you that 3rd grade was a bad year emotionally for my dd14. She had a number of growth spurts and wasn't sleeping enough even with an early bedtime and that just made her an emotional mess many mornings. I sought out the school counselor and her teacher. Together the 3 of us made a plan to help dd and things improved. Hopefully your school has resources for you.

 

[ohhhhhshiny]

Thanks, everybody.

The whining everyday started maybe two weeks ago. Crying has just been this week. I have asked her several times what is wrong. Today she told me it was just exhausting having to be good all week. Ha! I told her after the note last week that if she didn't have a good week she wouldn't get to go to a sleepover this weekend. She is not generally a discipline problem, although she's not perfect either.

I picked her up from school today and we headed to a sports practice. She did better today. It's possible she is tired. She has always needed her sleep.

There are small issues with girls in her class. Mainly one that doesn't want the other ones she likes to play with her, but she has other friends in her grade that she plays with so although I know it upsets her, she's not isolated. She also very likely not blameless if she and this little girl have gotten in a tiff.

She may have anxiety. In the morning if she can't find something she loses it and melts down crying. Today, she had to recite a poem at school and cried because she didn't think she'd remember (although she had practiced with me and knew it.).

Thanks for the advice....she begged me to stay home half a day and I think I will let her. I'm also off all next week so I'm going to keep her home with me Monday. She's only missed two days this year so I guess these will be mental health days. :-/

 

[Erin1700]

Keeping her home is not a good idea. Planning a special mother daughter thing after school or over the weekend would be great, but now you just taught her how to get to stay home from school.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks, everybody.

The whining everyday started maybe two weeks ago. Crying has just been this week. I have asked her several times what is wrong. Today she told me it was just exhausting having to be good all week. Ha! I told her after the note last week that if she didn't have a good week she wouldn't get to go to a sleepover this weekend. She is not generally a discipline problem, although she's not perfect either.

I picked her up from school today and we headed to a sports practice. She did better today. It's possible she is tired. She has always needed her sleep.

There are small issues with girls in her class. Mainly one that doesn't want the other ones she likes to play with her, but she has other friends in her grade that she plays with so although I know it upsets her, she's not isolated. She also very likely not blameless if she and this little girl have gotten in a tiff.

She may have anxiety. In the morning if she can't find something she loses it and melts down crying. Today, she had to recite a poem at school and cried because she didn't think she'd remember (although she had practiced with me and knew it.).

Thanks for the advice....she begged me to stay home half a day and I think I will let her. I'm also off all next week so I'm going to keep her home with me Monday. She's only missed two days this year so I guess these will be mental health days. :-/

Oh goodness...letting her stay home is the last thing you should do!!!

Do not cave to that ever. You will be opening the door to hell on earth for yourself and her. Take it from a mom with a 22yodd who was diagnosed bipolar and a 17yodd who has depression/anxiety.

Letting her stay home is the worst thing you can do. It would be one thing if this was a "happy kid" getting a "mental health" day but this is an "anxiety kid" who does NOT want to go to school.

As a PP poster said, plan something special for AFTER school. She will be able to look forward to it while she is at school.

Instead, I want you to set up private appts. with her teachers, guidance counselor, etc and go in there and discuss what is going on at home/school with your dd. Be proactive here.

She needs a place to go to get "help" while she is at school. You need to facilitate how to bridge that gap for her.

 

[Poohforyou]

Op, agree with the others. Don't let her stay home. In your situation I'd start a little Friday afternoon fun time ritual with your dd that'll happen if she goes to school every day without a big drama event.

That really worked for my dd. I let her pick something where her share wasn't more than $5. Whenever she was starting to have a rough morning I'd get her mind off of it by having her think about what we were going to do that Friday.

 

[mjkacmom]

Dd17 was a bit like that starting in 3rd grade. I think it was a combination of hormones, and classwork. I don't think she ever got a wrong answer before 3rd grade, so when she had any kind of struggle, she freaked. She matured and got over it (she's graduating at the top of her class, all honors/AP classes). Actually, it was math that frustrated her, and now she loves math, and wants to major in business.

I agree with the others - she needs you to be calm but firm. Do not let her stay home from school. Dd17 has mental health days every now and then (usually misses just a few periods), but she hates to miss school, so if she says she wants to, I let her.

Lucky for me, her siblings never had this phase.

 

[ohhhhhshiny]

Ahhhh, oops, just saw these replies


She goes to a private school and so they aren't that strict with attendance. I mean, she goes to school, don't get me wrong, but it's not tied to funding so they don't get upset about a day here and there.

She has double enrichment on Friday afternoons so she is not missing the "hard stuff" and I thought time with me, since she's been so clingy, might be better for her than her enrichment stuff.

I hadn't thought about the anxiety part and removing the cause not helping her. Dang it, I wish parenting came with an instruction book!

I do appreciate all the opinions and suggestion, and the fact everyone has been nice! Parenting is hard sometimes. :-/

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ahhhh, oops, just saw these replies


She goes to a private school and so they aren't that strict with attendance. I mean, she goes to school, don't get me wrong, but it's not tied to funding so they don't get upset about a day here and there.

She has double enrichment on Friday afternoons so she is not missing the "hard stuff" and I thought time with me, since she's been so clingy, might be better for her than her enrichment stuff.

I hadn't thought about the anxiety part and removing the cause not helping her. Dang it, I wish parenting came with an instruction book!

I do appreciate all the opinions and suggestion, and the fact everyone has been nice! Parenting is hard sometimes. :-/

That is why you asked here. Parenting has it's stressful moments.

Make appts. and get insight from her teachers.

You need to get to the bottom of this. Crying everyday means something is going on at school that she cannot handle and needs you to guide her to help. HUGS!