8 year old squabbles-Another UPDATE, Murphy's Law!!-post #23

[kbkids]

Tell me the best way to handle this. I know this is only just the beginning of many years of this kind of stuff, but I'm not sure of whether to say anything or just keep my mouth shut. And I know this is long - thanks for bearing with me.

DD-8 has been friends with this girl for 3 years. They've done gymnastics together, dance class, cheerleading, birthday parties, etc. For the past two years, I've been picking both of them up after school on dance day and taking them to class and usually her mom would pick them up and bring them home. First year, everything went fine with no problems.

This past fall, the little girl became very moody. One week, she'd be fine. The next, she wouldn't speak to either one of us and just stare out the window. I mentioned it to her mom who just said that her feelings had gotten hurt by a little girl in her class. Well, one day I go to pick up my daughter at school. Her friend was not going to be riding with us that day because she had a doctor's appointment. I knew this but had failed to mention it to my daughter. When I get there, my daughter is bawling. The friend is standing behind her, and I noticed her looking nervously at me. When my daughter got in the car, she told me that she didn't sit with her in line like she was supposed to (they have assigned sections to sit in based on their ID number - when the friend is riding with us, she sits in DD's section). She called to her, and she said she rolled her eyes at her and said, "I'm not riding with you today." DD misunderstood and thought that maybe her mom was picking them up, so she got up to go sit in her section, and she said she yelled at her and told her to go away and then made fun of her crying. We talked about, told her I was sorry her feelings were hurt, she was right - that was very mean of her friend to do, try to forgive her, etc. I mentioned it off-handedly to her mom at cheer practice one afternoon, and she apologized, and everything settled down after then.

Since probably November, everything has been fine. They've now started doing a tumbling class together that we've kinda been carpooling with too. She's been at our house many times - no problems. Everything has been fine. Last Thursday, I was out shopping, and the mom was picking up the girls to bring them home. I get a phone call on my cell phone to see if she could spend the night with them. I told her we couldn't because we had plans Friday morning, and she said, "Well, she can come over next week sometime." Told her that was fine and that was it. Nothing was set in stone, but my DD did hear the conversation. I, on the other hand, never thought another thing about it.

Wednesday afternoon, we're coming home from dance class (I'm bringing both girls home.) My daughter looks at the little girl and says, "Hey, wasn't this the week that your mom said I could spend the night with you?" My pet peave is her inviting herself places - and I said, "Her mom will call when it's okay for you to spend the night." The little girl says, "Yeh, that was really rude. And anyway, I'm having someone else over instead." Before the tears could start, I immediately reminded my daughter that she was going to a swimming party at another friend's house on Friday and maybe that friend could come stay with us. That solved it for then, but later that night, she thought about it and started crying. We talked about it, and she got okay.

Thursday morning, the mom calls to invite her over to their house to go swimming before tumbling class. Asked DD if she wanted to go (wasn't sure after the events the day before), and she said she did. So, the mom picks her up and is going to take them to tumbling class afterward. I told her I'd go pick them up and bring them home. Well, I get there to pick them up, and my DD and the coach come over to me telling me that my DD had hurt her wrist - nothing major - but she had just been doing centers that didn't involve her hand, put ice on it later, etc. Everything is fine. NOTE, the friend had the EXACT SAME THING happen to her two weeks ago, except she refused to keep doing any of the centers, started crying and sat with me until it was time to go. My DD came over to her several times that day checking on her to make sure she was okay. Anyway, we go to leave, and my DD tells me to go to the store to get some ice. I told her we'd be home in just a minute and put something on it then. The little girl says, "Yeh, quit being such a baby. You wouldn't even try to do anything after you fell, so how do you know if it's really hurt?" And here's where I overstepped my boundaries, but I'm ticked. I looked back at her and said, "You know, she didn't make fun of you when you got hurt last time. And she WAS working on the other centers, not just sitting in the corner. If the two of you can't be friends and be nice, then you're not going to be able to be together anymore because I'm tired of all of the mean comments." I looked at my daughter and said, "You did a great job today. Thank you for trying even though your arm hurt." There was total silence the rest of the way home. When the little girl got out of the car, my DD burst into tears and wanted to know why she was so mean to her and wouldn't be her friend anymore.

This weekend was dance recital - two, very long, stressful days. The friend absolutely refuses to speak to my daughter, except for snapping at her twice. Once when my DD was trying to get her attention to talk to her, she turned around and snapped, "What do you want!!" DD rolled her eyes and said, "Never mind," and walked off. The second time, I was calling to my daughter, who didn't hear me. The little girl did though, and after I called a couple of times, she said very rudely, "Your mom is calling you!!" The mother did hear this and told her to stop being so mean. She didn't hear the other comment earlier that day though. I never said anything all weekend just because it's such a stressful weekend anway with recital stuff, and the mother didn't feel good and had two other children to get dressed in costumes, as well as this one, so it really just wasn't appropriate.

Last night, on the way home from recital, my DD announces that she doesn't want to try out for dance team after all because she doesn't want to be around this friend anymore. We talked about it, and I told her that I wasn't going to force them to be friends. I told her that I would hope they can work things out, but she doesn't have to be friends with someone who is going to treat her that way. Explained to her that she is not to talk mean about her to other people or to be mean to her, but I'm not going to force her to hang out with her just to make our transportation issues easier. She knows that me and the mom are friends though, and I know the time is going to come that she is going to call me to help out with transportation, more than likely, very soon. I don't know what to say. I really like the mom, and I don't want this to mess up our friendship, but I'm not going to force them to be friends just for our sake. If I had not witnessed and heard everything myself, I would just write it off as girls being dramatic, but the little girl really was very mean, and as far as what I witnessed, my DD had done nothing to provoke it. I told her to think hard and see if she had done something at some other time to make her mad, and she says she can't remember anything.

So, what do I say the next time she calls to see if they can ride together? They have tumbling class tomorrow, so this could happen soon.

 

[Evil Queen]

I would suggest to telling the other Mom, the girls need some time from each other. Even if they are in the same class, the car riding and extra hanging out together may be getting to the best of both girls. And then I would really stick to that.

Take a break from the "extra" time together than see how things go by next school year.

If the other Mom is a good friend, she should understand.

My DS10 and his best friend, can't spend more than 2 days together and they are at it. They wanted an extra night together tonight and I said no. They may make up quickly but the nit picking and fighting stay with me longer (maybe age). My son can also be mean, with what he says, and I have to stay on top of that and it gets exhausting. I'm glad to see his friend stick up more for himself (these aren't physical fights).

 

[VSL]

Maybe the four of you could sit down together to sort something out?

I'm thinking that maybe the other girl is hitting puberty though (although she does sound quite chopsy).

 

[Sherri]

I would tell them Mom that their have been too many hurt feelings incidences lately and that the girls may need a break from one another. You have plenty of examples should the Mom need any.
Its a tough lesson for DD to learn at such a young age, but atleast she knows that their will be other friends who value her friendship.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

As another Mom of an 8yo boy and an 8yo girl, I can sympathize. This friend truly sounds a bit too "high maintenance" and I would probably let the relationship die a natural death, LOL. DD has some friends like this and it has been difficult at times. So much better when she hangs with girls that are just plain nicer (they're out there).

OTOH, it seems to be a lot easier with my son, the boys all just hang together and have a good time without the hurt feelings (usually), though there have been one or two boys I've purposefully limited DS's time with.

My best advice is to find girls for your DD to hang out with that make her feel good, not badly. Even if it means separate sports, rides, etc. Good luck!!

 

[Sandy V.]

I agree that it's time for the girls to have a break from one another for awhile. Maybe permanently.

All of this "relationship stuff" is ONLY just beginning!! It gets far worse in the later elementary grades and middle school before it gets better in high school.

As a parent, you have to walk the fine line of giving your kid some coping skills to deal with mean, snotty, sneaky kids on his/her own, while trying your best to personally stay out of it unless some true harm is happening to your kid.

The instinct is to protect your kid from every hurtful thing that comes their way, but if you do that, you're really not building a resiliant person in the long run. After all, disappointments and "stings" are part of life and they need to learn to deal with it.

And all of this is MUCH easier said than done. Mine are teens now, but I really had to learn to bite my tongue. You can hurt me, but if you hurt my child - WATCH OUT!

Good luck!!!

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like they have spending a lot of time together lately and may need a break from each other.

If the other Mom asks what's up, tell her a couple of the instances, but do be careful not to make it sound like her kid is a beast and yours is perfect. Kids are kids. Maybe something like "well, my Suzy is trying to get your Mary's attention and keeps bugging her and then Mary gets snappish, and they have a tiff". I'd probably make a joke and say "It's going to be a long summmer if we have 2 adolescent girls snapping at each other all the time, so I'm all for limiting their time together for a while. Let's let them miss each other a bit"...or something to that effect. When I was a kid and my friends and I started acting like this, that what our mothers would do...separate us for a while. It usually worked. And if the girls grow apart...well, that's part of life too, and it happens.

You never know...there may be something going on at home or whatever that you don't know about that is making the other child more anxious and sensitive, and she's snapping at your daughter because it's "safe" for her, if you KWIM. That doesn't mean your daughter should be her punching bag, but it may be an explanantion.

 

[minkydog]

Let the girls work it out. The worst thing you can do is try to micro-manage her friendship. Tell you friend what's going on so she won't be surprised . Let your DD decide if she wants to continue to pursue this friendship or not. It's good life-training, one of many such episodes to come.

 

[momm2four]

I don't think your reaction was overstepping boundaries. It doesn't sound as though you attacked the other girl directly.

I agree that the girls need a break from each other. 8 year olds are sometimes fickle. I remember in 3rd grade, there were four of us who were best buds. The silly thing was that every once in a while, we'd decide that we were mad at one of the group. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was another girl in our foursome (although there was one of us who was never on the "outs". I guess she was our ringleader)

There was no reason to be mad, but for two or three days, that person would be excluded. After a short time, they'd be let back into the group. A terrible "game" to play and not fun at all when you were the "black sheep".

I would work on cultivating other relationships for my daughter. Having another friend to fill the void alleviates that lonely feeling.

Good luck! I have all boys, but have taught girls from ages 8 to 13, and they are almost impossible to understand. Their feelings change almost hourly. (Although my boys do have their moments of drama as well, lol.)

Lori P.

 

[princesspumpkin]

oh, girl drama! DD-9 has been experiencing this for the last few years. My DD is quite sensitive. Some of her so-called friends have become extra mean lately. Put the two together and DRAMA! In the beginning, we tried to instill a stronger backbone in DD. Never worked. In a few instances, I have talked with all the girls together and pointed out the mean things going on. Didn't work. A couple of times, I chewed out one girl in particular. Worked with girl - girl's mom was a little upset (she and I are good friends). Now, DD has become a little less sensitive, will stand up for herself, and has become a little too mouthy. She keeps saying "Now they know how i felt all this time". The other girls' parents are probably talking about DD now like i talked about their daughters. Ah, the joys of puberty. I think that even though people say not to get involved, at some point a little parental intervention may help things. I remember when i was a kid, i was bullied a lot. My mom didn't seem to care and it went on for a while. At one point when I was 10, me and a group of girls decided to tease a boy in our class for a couple of days. He told his mom, who came to the school and we all had to talk with the teacher. Scared the poop out of me! I never did that again.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I don't think that you said anything out of place with the girl and I would have done exactly the same thing!

I think that it's good if the friendship cools off. I also think that if it helps both of the adults for you to carpool, that's ok, but that's as far as it should go. And that's only if it would help you without bothering your DD too much. If you don't want to do that or if it would bother your DD too much, tell the other mother that you think that the girls need to take a break from each other for a little while. You can tell her about what happened with your DD's injury if she asks--if it were my child I would want to know that they were acting that way.

My kids are aware that carpools are set up to help the parents with the driving, not as social times for the kids. Having said that, I wouldn't do it with kids that my kids are not on speaking terms with, etc (but they don't have to be best friends).

This girld sounds like a piece of work and will only get worse when the hormones kick in full force!

 

[agnes!]

I don't think it's fair that your DD feels she has to give up on dance team because of how she feels about this other child. That's a shame, I mean I do understand why your DD feels uncomfortable, but see if maybe she would be willing to do dance team if the carpooling is arranged differently.

I don't think you over-reacted with what you said to the other child.

This child saying "yeah, that was rude"...well, something about that doesn't quite sound child-like, you know her constant need to belittle others. I would bet that someone in this child's life is very judgemental & curt. At least in terms of how she behaves towards your DD, this other child sounds like she has the makings of a bully.
And kids have the right to choose their friends. Look at other ways to get your DD to these classes. When the mom calls you up to arrange the next carpool, mention to her that you think the girls need some space & get your DD busy with other kids.
In the worst case scenario, continue the carpooling, but that's IT(like Tigger&Belle says). No other social activities, no playdates for a while.

agnes!

 

[crazy4disney01]

Did someone buy her the "Mean Girls" DVD?

I agree with the other posts that time apart is best. But, I wouldn't make your daughter carpool with the mean friend. When I was in middle school, my mom made me carpool with a girl who stole my best friend and was just really cruel. It was awkward and I hated it. Even though it may be tougher on you I think I would call the other mom and let her know transportation will change and you have examples if needed to defend time apart. Maybe your DD could have other friends from school/dance over and she could build close friendships with nicer friends this summer.

I would have said the same thing if I were you, you only want the best and defend your kids when necessary. Good Luck!

 

[XYSRUS]

Reminds me why I'm glad I have boys!...No really, I think the situation is too emotional b/c everyone involved is female. Try and stay out of the situation. Give your daughter a chance to figure out if this girl is really her friend. Distract her with other activities with other friends or family but don't tell her what to do. Also, don't let her quit what she loves just b/c this girl is in the same class. The two of them aren't the only ones in the class. I only get involved if there's blood involved or if someone stops breathing...and then I still have a good 5 mins. before I have to get involved! Just joking of course. KISS-Keep it simple, stupid. Advice from a wise sage. Good luck.

 

[kbkids]

You guys are cracking me up!! Thanks for all of the advice. DD and I have agreed that when the mom calls again, I will tell her okay for that time, but she's going to have to find alternate transportation in the future because my DD has gotten her feelings hurt alot lately from some of her daughter's comments, and I think they need a break until they can get along again. If she asks for more info (she probably will), then I'll tell her. It's not me that really needs the help in transportation so much - I do it to help her, as she works, and I'm a stay-at-home mom. So, it's really not inconveniencing me if I have to drive my own child all of the time. I do feel bad for the mom because we are friends, and I know it's going to inconvenience her, but my kid's feelings come first.

And she's not my daughter's only friend. Actually, my daughter is pretty outgoing and has lots of friends, and I think that's part of the problem. This child is really possessive over her friends, and she gets really moody when one of them starts talking to another child. There's another little girl in the dance class who my daughter has known for quite awhile, but they've recently gotten closer lately as their little brothers play t-ball together, so they've been hanging out together at the games, and consequently, are probably being more buddy-buddy at dance class. I don't know that that's definitely the reason, but it's definitely a possibility.

She's never been one of my daughter's best friends, as she's always been a little moody and it gets on my daughter's nerves, but she's enjoyed playing with her in the past. It's just recently that it's really gone over-the-top and she's started being outright mean. I could handle her just being quiet and not talking to anyone, but I'm not going to deal with her being ugly.

I think my DD will still try out for dance team because she really wants to do it. Again, I think that may be part of the problem too. The little girl quit cheerleading this year to try out for dance team. Right before the sleepover comment, she had just said, "I don't think you should try out for dance team because your mom has already spent all that money on cheerleading." She'd seemed a little disappointed that my daughter might get to do both.

DD's fine today. She got up this morning and has been playing with her friend down the street all day, totally happy. I'm interested in seeing how tumbling class goes tomorrow though, as there are only four girls in the class - the other two they don't know really well.

And to be honest with myself and you guys, I think I'm more ticked off because it's a child that I have done so much for. She wouldn't even had been on the cheerleading team last year if I had not of pulled some strings. She wouldn't be in the tumbling class if I had not let her mom know about it. And yesterday, even in the midst of all of these hormones, I'm the one who put her name down on the dance team tryout sheet because I knew her mom would never get a chance to get around to it yesterday. So, I guess I'm just setting myself up for it, huh??

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Sounds like it's time that you step back and let the mom figure out how she's going to get her DD signed up for these things without your help. That should take care of most of your problem.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, I still recommend cooling down the friendship a bit. You've got a couple of examples if the other Mom asks you why. And it would be pretty easy for the other kid to learn about choices and consequences. You choose to be mean, your friend doesn't want to play with you. It's a great lesson for her.

Meanwhile, MYOB as far as signing the kid up for stuff unless the mother tells you to!!!!! If she misses a couple of sing ups so she's not in some of the same activities as your DD, you've solved some of your problem right there.

 

[Disneyrsh]

You guys are cracking me up!! Thanks for all of the advice. DD and I have agreed that when the mom calls again, I will tell her okay for that time, but she's going to have to find alternate transportation in the future because my DD has gotten her feelings hurt alot lately from some of her daughter's comments, and I think they need a break until they can get along again. If she asks for more info (she probably will), then I'll tell her. It's not me that really needs the help in transportation so much - I do it to help her, as she works, and I'm a stay-at-home mom. So, it's really not inconveniencing me if I have to drive my own child all of the time. I do feel bad for the mom because we are friends, and I know it's going to inconvenience her, but my kid's feelings come first.

And she's not my daughter's only friend. Actually, my daughter is pretty outgoing and has lots of friends, and I think that's part of the problem. This child is really possessive over her friends, and she gets really moody when one of them starts talking to another child. There's another little girl in the dance class who my daughter has known for quite awhile, but they've recently gotten closer lately as their little brothers play t-ball together, so they've been hanging out together at the games, and consequently, are probably being more buddy-buddy at dance class. I don't know that that's definitely the reason, but it's definitely a possibility.

She's never been one of my daughter's best friends, as she's always been a little moody and it gets on my daughter's nerves, but she's enjoyed playing with her in the past. It's just recently that it's really gone over-the-top and she's started being outright mean. I could handle her just being quiet and not talking to anyone, but I'm not going to deal with her being ugly.

I think my DD will still try out for dance team because she really wants to do it. Again, I think that may be part of the problem too. The little girl quit cheerleading this year to try out for dance team. Right before the sleepover comment, she had just said, "I don't think you should try out for dance team because your mom has already spent all that money on cheerleading." She'd seemed a little disappointed that my daughter might get to do both.

DD's fine today. She got up this morning and has been playing with her friend down the street all day, totally happy. I'm interested in seeing how tumbling class goes tomorrow though, as there are only four girls in the class - the other two they don't know really well.

And to be honest with myself and you guys, I think I'm more ticked off because it's a child that I have done so much for. She wouldn't even had been on the cheerleading team last year if I had not of pulled some strings. She wouldn't be in the tumbling class if I had not let her mom know about it. And yesterday, even in the midst of all of these hormones, I'm the one who put her name down on the dance team tryout sheet because I knew her mom would never get a chance to get around to it yesterday. So, I guess I'm just setting myself up for it, huh??

I think you've done a brilliant job with a difficult situation. I have two daughters, almost 6 and 7, and honey, I'm takin' notes!

 

[kbkids]

Well, I still recommend cooling down the friendship a bit. You've got a couple of examples if the other Mom asks you why. And it would be pretty easy for the other kid to learn about choices and consequences. You choose to be mean, your friend doesn't want to play with you. It's a great lesson for her.

Meanwhile, MYOB as far as signing the kid up for stuff unless the mother tells you to!!!!! If she misses a couple of sing ups so she's not in some of the same activities as your DD, you've solved some of your problem right there.

Oh, I'm not signing her up for stuff the mom doesn't want her to do. She tells me to do it. "I'm stuck back stage - can you put her name on the list?" "I'm not going to get off work in time to get to registration, will you please turn in her form for me?" "Oh, we really wanted to do cheerleading and missed the registration. Do you think you can get them to add an extra spot for her?" It really isn't a big effort for me to do. If I had been a bind, I would have appreciated someone looking out for me too. My point was that if I had not done her mom a favor, she wouldn't be able to do most of these activities anyway - and then she turns around and acts like a little snoot!

 

[kbkids]

I think you've done a brilliant job with a difficult situation. I have two daughters, almost 6 and 7, and honey, I'm takin' notes!

Ooo - don't take notes from me - I'm just winging it!! Two girls - WOW! - God knew what He was doing when He just gave me one! This household couldn't take any more hormones!