3.5 y.o. clingy during daycare drop off - help

[lecach]

I hope this is just a phase -its been going on for about 2 or 3 months though. DS is never clingy in any other situation. And has never been at daycare before. But as soon as we enter his class he wants me to pick him up and sometimes even cries. Usually I try to get him involved in drawing or something and I wait til he's okay before I leave. Is that the right method? It seems a little mean to just drop him off and leave him upset.

We're switching to a new daycare on July 14 so I want to start off on the right foot there. If he is clingy there too - what is the best way to handle it?

 

[Diamondintheruff]

You're going to get lots of different advice about this. But in the end you know your kid and in your heart you will know the best way for you to deal with it.

My advice is that a 3.5 is quite verbal and I would have lots of talks with them about it. Find out what is bothering them about staying them. Figure out a goodbye routine that both of you can live with. Does the child need a picture of you in their backpack? Does the child need to know the schedule of the day so they will know that you pick them up after circle time or snack? Does the child want a special hug/kiss/handshake that is personal to the both of you?

Talk to the staff at both centres. They have seen it all and can offer advice too.

I've been there. You'll find lots of us have. It breaks your heart to see them so upset. You also need to ask yourself if the child is playing on some of your guilt as well.

There are some great books about saying goodbye like the "kissing hand" that might help where the mother leaves a kiss in the baby racoons left hand and tells the baby that each time they press their hand to their cheek they will feel her kiss.

 

[i12go2wdw]

Here is a view of the other side of the drop off. I have been running a day care for 16 years and this is so common but it may not be saddness that you are seeing. Ask the day care providers what your son is like 5 minutes after you leave. I strongly feel it the transition that is upsetting not that they are not happy to be where you are leaving them. I would say the 95% of the time that kids are sad, quiet or crying when their parents leave they are fine and happy before you get back into your car. Last week I had my newest parents pretend to leave and close the door but just hide around the corner, their son at 16 months cries when they say good-bye, with the arched back and all, he looks out the corner of his eye till they can't see him, keeps crying but cuddles into me, then when he hears the door close he stops crying, looks around the room for something fun, squirms out of my arms and is playing and laughing immediately. When his parents came to pick him up that night they were both still laughing at their son's quick recovery. I often see the same sort of thing in the afternoon for pick-up, kids that have been as good and gold and happy all day turn into monsters when they see their parents car pull up. It is amazing and frustrating at the same time.
Hope this helps,
Christine
P.S. I find a quick good bye is best, by them being upset they are hoping they can change your mind about leaving, the sooner they realize this is not working the better. And never leave without saying good-bye, that begins all kinds of trust issues, you may never be able to go to the bathroom in private again

 

[lecach]

The teachers tell me that he gets over it really quickly. That as soon as I am gone he is running around playing.

I think when we start at the new school I will try some type of way to disengage more quickly. I think if I start off on the right foot it will be better for all involved. I've let the current situation drag on and he knows that I am not going to quickly leave.

 

[princessmom29]

I think that is the best course of action. I have been on both sides of the "drop off drama" parent and caregiver. With my child I never sat around and coddled when she cried when I left. As a former child care worker I knew in my head that she would be fine, but the first time I had to do it it nearly killed me. I called from the car and could hear her playing in the background!

 

[nessz79]

Agreeing with everyone so far. My 3 year old son did this for the first month or so of preschool last year...he had just turned 3 and was probably not as verbal therefore. Anyway, same situation- he would cry like mad until I was out the door and then he was happy as a clam for the rest of the day. You know what finally did it? The strangest thing. Just one day I decided, enough is enough. I bought some really cool, puffy car sticker and told him that I was going to give it to him when I left him at preschool but only if he would be a good boy and not cry. Worked like a charm, much to my surprise. He wanted that sticker so badly that he was great.

I think I did another sticker the next day but after that I would say I'll give you such and such at the END of the day if you can be a good boy. After the first week I didn't even need any bribes.

You may want to try to find his "currency" (as Dr. Phil would say...) and try a reward system. Since it's not genuine sadness, they can be talked to about how hard it is on mommy when they do that, etc, etc.

 

[nessz79]

OH, just wanted to add that I agree with a quick drop-off. Otherwise, they'll try to extend the goodbye every single day...they'll manipulate the heck out of the situation if they figure out they can get you to stay longer.

 

[KSG'sDisneyMem]

Hello. I am currently a child care supervisor and have 24 years experience in the field. I spent 18 years in the classroom and I enjoy working with the children and families. The teachers are likely telling you the truth when they tell you your child is fine and begins playing right after, or shortly after you leave. I see this all the time. It is VERY important for him to know that you trust his teachers and that you are leaving him in a safe place where the teachers will care for him and provide for any needs he may have. Explain to him that it is okay to ask his teachers for help. Good, open communication between you and your child's teachers is key. Have a plan in place with them for drop-off. Have a teacher take your child to the door or window to wave, blow you a kiss. If your child loves the outdoors, leave him in the hands of his capable teachers and have them bring him over to the window to see if they can see birds, trees, is it raining? is the sun shining? I am in ABSOLUTE agreement that a quick drop-off is best. The less time he has to worry about you leaving, the quicker he can get past having you leave him for the day and join in activities with his peers and his teachers. If it would help you, I have the teachers call and leave the parent a voice mail at their office to let them know the child is doing well and what types of activities their child is engaged in. I have found that parents LOVE this! It really helps them feel better knowing that their child has stopped crying, and is enjoying their day, and this is helpful to you, the parent, so you can focus on your busy work day. If a teacher cannot get out of the classroom to call the parent, they call down to me and ask me to call them with a message to let them know how their child is doing. I am a parent and can relate to how it must make you feel to have your child cry when you leave. As parents we all feel a certain amount of guilt because we have to leave our children in the care of others so we can pay the bills among other things. You may not realize it but you could feel somewhat tense whether it be from that or because you begin to feel anxious about whether your child will cry when you try to leave. Children sense these things, particularly with their parents as they are so connected. So my advice is this: Good teacher/parent communication; quick drop off; sense of safety/security for your child. Good luck!

 

[pjynx]

When my dd was 4, she started preschool and she developed similar "drop-off" issues. She'd been in daycare since she was an infant, so preschool was a big change for her. She was used to me dropping her off, but the teacher and other kids were not familiar to her like the ones at daycare.

I tried sticking around and slowly easing out. I also tried the quick drop-off. Neither method worked. She continued to cry, scream, cling, etc. I finally put HER in control of the situation. I bought a small digital kitchen timer. The kind where you just push the button to add minutes. We talked about it ahead of time and I explained to her that I would stay for 5 minutes and when the timer went off, it was time for me to leave. Every morning when we got there, I would let HER push the button 5 times to get the 5 minutes started (this put her in control of the situation because she was the one starting the timer). She was also very aware of what was going to happen with the timer beeped. From the first day of trying that, it worked like a charm. We only needed it for a couple of weeks before it wasn't necessary anymore.

 

[Alesia]

Another preschool teacher here. The best advice I can give is:

DROP AND RUN!

Seriously. The longer you drag it out, the more traumatic it is for the both of you. I know that it's hard, but being a parent is rarely about doing things the easy way, kwim?

 

[DisneygirlTeacher]

I totally agree with all the OPs about saying a quick goodbye and leaving! I have seen way too many issues with even my first graders at the beginning of school where even they cry and carry on when their parents first drop them off...way too big to be doing that! (And, it is rare really...but we always have several that "try" this to see if they get to go home...lol) The minute their parents leave, 99% of the time they are fine! I always speak to them after they calm down and explain how parents have to go to work or care for a younger child and that their job is to have a great day in school. It's funny, but they all seem to understand that and calm right down. There is nothing harder than trying to be with your whole class and having one child screaming and crying with their parent at the back of the room, which is why I squash that right away!! It will be fine, really, and most times they are fine once you walk to the car! Such is the life of a parent!

 

[polineedyan]

That IS how its done..Stay with them, maybe the whole time the first time. Then, stay a little less. Then, take them in, tell them youll be back and to have fun. Bite your lip as you walk away, dont look back, and sit in the car and have a good cry.
I cant tell you how hard it was for me with my dd. She would spaz out. And it killed me. It is a two way deal, but before you know it, youll be at home and she'he will say "can I go to day care today?"